Tuesday, December 14, 2010

IVF Losses Explained

Hillary at Making Me Mom wrote down these things, the parts of IF that, well, suck, and she adds to it as she goes along in her journey.  Now, the cool thing about this is it's not just a LIST, bullet-pointed and bland.  In fact, it is a fantastic explanation of how all of these things FEEL.  Please let her know if you use them - this would really make a wonderful guide for parents/relatives/friends of ours who can't quite grasp WHY we act the way we do.  Many of us told her this.  We thought it would be a great thing to submit to RESOLVE.  Please read it...it's quite powerful, and if you think of it, HERE is the direct link to the post.  She could use a boost, anyway :)  These are her words, her feelings, and they are absolutely moving.



The moment of finding out, feeling that joy, and celebrating with my husband.

Telling our family - would we drive down and tell them in person? Make a phone call? Wait for a family event? Getting to see their joyful reaction. Talking about the baby & pregnancy with our moms.

Telling our friends. Seeing their joy. Even making a Facebook announcement.

Reading pregnancy books. Learning about the miracle of a new life growing. Reading about the development week by week, day by day. Reading things aloud to my husband.

Seeing my belly grow. My husband would love watching this. Taking pictures as it grows. Seeing his joy. How would I carry a belly - “all belly” or “all over?” Would my belly be small or large?

Experiencing the discomfort. I don’t really want to be sick and uncomfortable, but it seems like part of the miracle. Part of the story of me and my child. Knowing it is worth it. Having my own “pregnancy woes and stories” to tell.

Seeing the baby via ultrasound. Going to appointments with my husband. Sharing that excitement and amazement.

Buying maternity clothes. Superficial, but I always looked forward to it. Would I be a cute pregnant lady?

Feeling the baby move. Experiencing that intimacy. Talking to the baby. Praying for the baby with my hands on my belly.

Finding out the gender. Calling our family.

Giving birth. So much tied into this one. How to even put it to words? I feel like as a woman I have a biological urge and desire to do this. I don’t want the pain, so to speak, but I want the whole experience - even with the pain. I see births on TV and I bawl. It is an amazing, life changing moment. One day you are carrying a life inside of you, and then your whole world changes and you get to see and hold that baby in your arms. Having a “birth story.” Staying in the hospital with my husband. Our families meeting the baby, holding the baby.

Biological connection:

Seeing our physical & personality traits in our child. What would our child look like? Hearing people say, “She has your nose” or “Were you tall as a toddler, too?”

Seeing our family members in our child. Maybe even family members who have passed away. My dad would examine the child’s feet to see if he had our feet. Or would she have curly hair like my mother in law? A long torso like my Grandma & me? Crazy tall like so many in my husband’s family? All the things we always wondered and talked about....and have to stop wondering and talking about.

Feeling like the “family line” is carrying on.


Breastfeeding. Getting that “bonding experience” with the baby. I know not everyone is able to breastfeed, but women who do often are sad when they have to wean - I want to get to try. (I know some people try to do this even with an adopted child, but I can’t imagine doing this - who knows, though).

Living in a world where most people experience pregnancy/birth/having biological children - and I want to, but can’t. There are reminders everywhere.

Getting pregnancy announcements. Would this ever not sting?

Hearing people make comments about their children/ future children and having to stop making our own (ie “Our child will definitely have blue eyes,” “Maybe we could have a red head,” “I hope our child is organized and clean like you.”) But everyone else talks like this.

Having things happen in a predictable, traditional timeline. Start the nursery, have a shower, and generally know when to expect the baby.

Sharing in this experience of womanhood. Instead of getting to talk about it with others, I would feel like an outsider as I have to hear their experiences.

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?" ~ Laura Bush


  1. This is a great list. Thanks for posting this.

  2. oh wow, that was powerful and sad and heartbreaking. Thanks for posting and sharing it, as always I hope someone finds it and can connect with it, or feel differently about infertility after it.

    My hope is that every woman who wants these experiences gets them.


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