I don't even know where to start

I am missing ICLW this month. Which is probably okay. I didn't really manage it last month. I haven't read anyone else's blog in a month. I can't keep up. So I decided not to do it this month. Just realized it's too late anyway.

I had this whole post planned about how to be an infertile masochist, like a list of steps, because that's what I am. There were going to be photos and everything, but I just am not up to doing it, to posting some of it. Especially some of the photos. I thought it might be funny, and then I thought that maybe not.

I broke up with Frog and Pixie today (yesterday??? - insomnia makes the days blur together). They fight - all the time. And I don't do that. And I couldn't keep hearing from both sides how unhappy they were. And then 5 minutes later that they had made up. Back and forth and back and forth. And the jealousy! And the distrust! Shit, that relationship is more draining than my marriage, and that's just not how it should be. And in just over 2 weeks we have our one and only IVF chance - I can't ruin it from stress. At least not stress I can remove.

Oh, it was not pretty. And the thing is, the friendship was salvageable. But I wasn't ready to talk, not yet. (I am leaving A LOT out....it's been a crazy couple of weeks, so, sorry the details are fuzzy) I needed a cool-down period. Frog stopped by anyway and asked the ONE THING he had to know would blow it, would end it for good. The one thing I've told him to never ask again, to never go there again. A few times. And he went there anyway in his paranoia and jealousy and his distrust. And the only thing I could say was "Get out. Now." OMG there was drama in the damn street in front of the house!

There was a flurry of giving things back, of exchanging items (I have realized there are some there that I still need) in a total bad 1980's break-up style. And DESPITE that, I still have things I have ordered for them for the baby shower that I will have to deliver. And I offered to give back the furniture they donated to us to sell because they need the money (which, by the way, they are going to take back....no, really, they are). I got told to forget about the shower stuff. Right. It's already ordered. And really, what am I going to do with a stack of cards with their baby's ultrasound on them? Oh! And I finished the damn baby blanket I had been making for them. I spent all damn day on it to get it out of my sight. I took goddamn PREGNANCY PHOTOS of Pixie for Frog for Father's Day. I sorted through baby clothes with them. I helped with the nursery. I put myself through HELL!!!! WHY????? I am my own worst enemy. So, yeah, I still care. But they won't see that.

Now they just want me purged from their lives as much as I do. My heart is a little broken right now. I have more to write, but maybe later today.