Wednesday, June 23, 2010

I don't even know where to start

I am missing ICLW this month. Which is probably okay. I didn't really manage it last month. I haven't read anyone else's blog in a month. I can't keep up. So I decided not to do it this month. Just realized it's too late anyway.

I had this whole post planned about how to be an infertile masochist, like a list of steps, because that's what I am. There were going to be photos and everything, but I just am not up to doing it, to posting some of it. Especially some of the photos. I thought it might be funny, and then I thought that maybe not.

I broke up with Frog and Pixie today (yesterday??? - insomnia makes the days blur together). They fight - all the time. And I don't do that. And I couldn't keep hearing from both sides how unhappy they were. And then 5 minutes later that they had made up. Back and forth and back and forth. And the jealousy! And the distrust! Shit, that relationship is more draining than my marriage, and that's just not how it should be. And in just over 2 weeks we have our one and only IVF chance - I can't ruin it from stress. At least not stress I can remove.

Oh, it was not pretty. And the thing is, the friendship was salvageable. But I wasn't ready to talk, not yet. (I am leaving A LOT's been a crazy couple of weeks, so, sorry the details are fuzzy) I needed a cool-down period. Frog stopped by anyway and asked the ONE THING he had to know would blow it, would end it for good. The one thing I've told him to never ask again, to never go there again. A few times. And he went there anyway in his paranoia and jealousy and his distrust. And the only thing I could say was "Get out. Now." OMG there was drama in the damn street in front of the house!

There was a flurry of giving things back, of exchanging items (I have realized there are some there that I still need) in a total bad 1980's break-up style. And DESPITE that, I still have things I have ordered for them for the baby shower that I will have to deliver. And I offered to give back the furniture they donated to us to sell because they need the money (which, by the way, they are going to take, really, they are). I got told to forget about the shower stuff. Right. It's already ordered. And really, what am I going to do with a stack of cards with their baby's ultrasound on them? Oh! And I finished the damn baby blanket I had been making for them. I spent all damn day on it to get it out of my sight. I took goddamn PREGNANCY PHOTOS of Pixie for Frog for Father's Day. I sorted through baby clothes with them. I helped with the nursery. I put myself through HELL!!!! WHY????? I am my own worst enemy. So, yeah, I still care. But they won't see that.

Now they just want me purged from their lives as much as I do. My heart is a little broken right now. I have more to write, but maybe later today.


  1. I'm sorry it ended on such a bad note. It sounds healthy that you're removing negative stress from your life and hopefully you'll feel better soon. Hang in there, break-ups are always hard!

    Big hugs.

  2. LOL, it's like IM in blogland. I've just figured you've been so busy, I didn't want to bother you about the photos. I actually never got any emailed to me... so yeah, please send more :)

  3. Ahh, sorry hun. Break ups are so awful, it sounds to me like your heart is really broken. Your on the right track, it seems to me. Take care of yourself.

  4. Oh I am so sorry, breakups of any kind are just hard and this one , this one that gave you something you really needed is over and that has to be so hard..add to it the past month you've had and all I want to do is just hug you and let you cry and tell it's going to be ok.

    Hey,,,"it's GOING to be OK!!!"

    love and hugs

  5. Breakups suck, but I'm really glad you are getting into a healthy environment before starting IVF!

  6. AHHHHHHH...I knew there had to be something going've been so quiet.

    Destress, relax, and focus on your IVF. Bad breakups suck...they suck the life right out of you. Have a good cry, pull up your chin, and know that there are lots of people sending you virtual hugs! xxx

  7. Nut much to say here, just {{hugs}} I hope that you start to feel better soon. Take a break and live.

  8. That sucks..and the giving back of stuff sucks even more. It makes it so final. I hope this break gives you the peace and calm you desire for this upcoming IVF cycle. Thinking of you.

  9. I'm sorry about the breakup. But I think you did the right thing here to get yourself in a healthy place for IVF. Hang in there, girl.


  10. That sounds so awful sweetie. I can't believe it. I'm glad you've got the chance to get rid of the stress and don't worry about being sketchy on the details if that is what you need to do.

  11. I'm sorry to hear about the breakup, and that things didn't end in an easy way. I'm hoping that ridding yourself of some negativity and stress helps you though! Best wishes.


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