Cold Feet

Did any of you get cold feet?

I'm so scared. 10 days until Lu.pron. I can't get my sleep schedule under control. I don't want insomnia ruining it for us. I keep thinking about my doubts, my beliefs, my desires, and how they all so completely conflict.

If you made the choice NOT to pursue IVF.....please tell me. I want to hear your story. I don't think I am going to back out, but I'm pretty keyed up about it the past few days....

Thinking, Planning, Dreaming

I really expected to see some comments on yesterday's post. Not sure if I offended, or if people just didn't know what to say...or, of course, like me, just too busy to keep up with other blogs. It was mildly preachy. Maybe not.

So, a few things on my mind. One - I miss them. It was good when it was good, and I miss that. But unhealthy is unhealthy, right? One week later I'm a little sad, but surviving and just wondering how they are doing....the baby shower was yesterday....

Two - and this is far more exciting! Calliope who sponsors Photo Friday takes ideas for themes, and I am the proud creator of this week's theme! I shall let you go read it for yourself, as it is already posted :) But I have to say, I'm kinda excited. And challenged....It's not an easy one, and as the mind behind it, I feel I have to step up to the plate on this one. I shall be spending some quality time on it during my days off this week.

Three - I have a friend, who I shall henceforth call Fuzzy, has off the summer since he is a teacher, and has invited me up for a visit. Issue: IVF cycle. Realistically, the only time I could manage it is during my 2ww. Which could be a good thing. A distraction. 3-ish days away from everything at a cabin by a lake being pampered. Thoughts? Should I go if we have the money to get me there? I could use it. Feel guilty that DH won't get to go. But I really could use it.

Four - The crazy dreams will not go away. I dreamt about IVF last night. About my ER and fert report. LOL. That was not restful. It's actually the first time I've dreamt specifically about the cycle as opposed to waking up thinking I was Pg. I was driving my nurse crazy in the dream just like in real life. LOL. I don't know what to think. So tired.

FWARPS

As living creatures we NEED exactly 6 things in life:

Food

Water
Air
Reproduction
Protection (ie. a house, etc)
Space (ie. habitat)
This being said, as humans, we have pushed the boundaries of what nature intended, what biology intended. We eat things that, well, do crazy things to our bodies. We have polluted the planet that gives us all of the things we need. Our water and air are scary. We live in places that really are well beyond what we need, and have not only redefined habitat for ourselves, we have wrecked it for other living creatures. (I am not saying I'm innocent in all of this, just stating facts).

Having said that, reproduction is REALLY where we have changed the original biological needs. In all of the animal kingdom, primates are the only animals that have sex for pleasure. Of those primates, we humans are the only ones who deny general biological needs until the "time is right" for us - we don't procreate until we want (generally speaking). We mature slowly - 12-14 years on average to reach sexual maturity, but most of us do not reproduce at that time. In fact, it's considered taboo in many Western cultures to do so. We defy the innate biological hard-wired push to procreate.

So, what I wonder is, WHY am I so hell-bent on a child? Yes, we wanted children, but at what point did it become this thing that rules my world? That hurts me every day.....the emotions that also evolved with us are really quite contrary to general biological rules. As we evolved, we changed the rules for ourselves. So WHY this drive? Is it the hard-wiring in me? Realistically, in nature, my DNA and DH's DNA were not meant to be continued. Ask Darwin.

In any other grouping of animals, our line would not go on. DH's won't, at least not through him. Mine could, but perhaps there is a reason I'm infertile. We no longer, as a people in "developed" nations, allow nature to take it's course. We have intervened. That's why, initially, DH and I were NOT going to do IVF. If it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. So....why are we here? Why are we doing this? If this is really what I believe, why?

Operation Weight Gain: Update 1

Protein shakes didn't work out so well. I made it through one on Thursday, and it took me HOURS. I was dry-heaving and it gave me a migraine. Tried a weaker one yesterday morning, and was over the toilet within 3 sips. Migraine back. Soooooo.....that's obviously not going to work. We are super-broke, so the food I would like to buy to help me out that I think I can get down we can't. IE, nuts 'n stuff. Had a few eggs and bacon left in the fridge this morning, so I'm eating that and hoping it stays put....

It's like a great big evil circle. IF messes with you - I'm all wacked out from stress: depression and anxiety rule my world, making me lose weight and not sleep. Since I am about to start my cycle, I can't take anything for it. Which makes it worse. And yet, I need to be super healthy and NOT stressed to have the best chance for successful IVF. Which is super-stressful on its own. Its a vicious circle, and I haven't figured out yet how to be okay with all of it.

I missed work yesterday....and we REALLY can't afford that! I made a vow to myself that if this cycle doesn't work I am beginning a job hunt. I still want something with benefits, obviously, but something I don't dread going to every day. If it works....well, I'll stick it out for a while.

So, here's hoping I can make myself eat lots....and that I don't lose it at work today. Happy weekend to those of you with normal jobs!

Photo Friday: Unexpected Loves

This is actually a really hard one for me. It all stemmed from a post at Creating Motherhood that I read....this is apparently what triggered this week's theme. Read it...it's fabulous. Because it's all about tangential thinking which is completely the way I think. Someday I shall give you some examples. Anyway, "unexpected loves" is this weeks' theme and I've been trying to think about that all week.

I'm not usually surprised by the things I adore. But there are a few, I guess, so here goes!

1. The desert. I mean, I hardcore love it. Granted, there are some areas that are just bleak, but during most of the seasons, it is full of life, the most unexpected life. I grew up in Green Green Green, and when I left it for Africa, I missed it. I felt like I dried up a bit. Then I came back and didn't feel at home again until I hit the Southwest. So, desert. I crave it. And its variety. This particular photo isn't even the best one I had, but it illustrates the bleakness that most see, but the diversity that I see. Now that I'm back in the land of green I miss the desert (and mountains) so much that I realize now how unexpectedly I fell for it.

1. Crocheting. I was never crafty. Not really. A number of years ago I was working in Southern California at a camp and someone was making a hat. And I had nothing better to do, so I bought a skein of yarn and a hook, and learned. Before I knew it, I was hooked. (Tee hee, pun intended). I learned to read patterns, put together projects, and have created some beautiful gifts. I will be posting more of my work soon. But I despise Martha Stewart, etc. I did not think I would like something so...well, grandma. LOL. But I have my own shelving unit for yarn, bags of projects in various stages, and too many ideas to keep straight. The one above was a birthday present for my sister....messenger bag, lined and all. And when I give these gifts, the personalization of them is special to the receiver, and the obvious work that goes into them. Making someone smile makes me smile. Creating something with my own hands that is beautiful makes me smile. My hands, they ache, but it's worth it.

3. Spicy food and cooking. It was a joke growing up how much I could not cook and how picky I was. Something snapped in college, and all of a sudden I was Julia F'in Childs. I can throw together ANYTHING with what's in your fridge and cupboards. It might be a little strange, but it will taste good. And I can't stand bland anymore. Hot peppers and I are good friends now, very good friends. I have two bunches ("ristras") hanging in my house now - spice = life. I have oodles of cookbooks, but mainly, I make shit up. And for someone who doesn't eat meat, I make some mean meat dishes. I love the smiles, the contentment, the SILENCE caused by the consumption of good food. And I love that I can make that happen.

So there are 3 of my unexpected loves, things that bring me joy, contentment (tho can be a bain of my existence mid-project), and peace.

Operation Weight Gain

Starter note: Remember the pregnancy photos I mentioned? Thought I'd post one, just so you could see what I've done. This was actually my favorite, but not theirs. Poop on them anyway. Thought you might like to see....on to the real news.

So....I bought protein shakes today....I haven't even managed to get a whole one down yet. It's back in the fridge chilling because it was making me dry heave. Blech. Sigh. Whatever it takes. Good news is that the shake completely masks the flavor of the wheatgrass supplement :)

I wanted to get Royal Jelly, but because I have a bee allergy, no go. And I forgot to look for some sort of body cleanse thing, so that's next week. What are some other supplements folks have taken????

Question: when doing IVF did any of you have the PGD test done? It seems our clinic is running a trial, so we would get to participate free of charge. I'm a bit nervous about signing up for it, but have been assured that the benefits outweigh the risks to the embryos. Then again....wouldn't they want you to think that? Just curious about opinions, or if any of you have done it and what the outcome was.....

Oh, and also wondering, since I've mentioned being a super-crochet freak, if you'd be interested in seeing some of my work???

I don't even know where to start

I am missing ICLW this month. Which is probably okay. I didn't really manage it last month. I haven't read anyone else's blog in a month. I can't keep up. So I decided not to do it this month. Just realized it's too late anyway.

I had this whole post planned about how to be an infertile masochist, like a list of steps, because that's what I am. There were going to be photos and everything, but I just am not up to doing it, to posting some of it. Especially some of the photos. I thought it might be funny, and then I thought that maybe not.

I broke up with Frog and Pixie today (yesterday??? - insomnia makes the days blur together). They fight - all the time. And I don't do that. And I couldn't keep hearing from both sides how unhappy they were. And then 5 minutes later that they had made up. Back and forth and back and forth. And the jealousy! And the distrust! Shit, that relationship is more draining than my marriage, and that's just not how it should be. And in just over 2 weeks we have our one and only IVF chance - I can't ruin it from stress. At least not stress I can remove.

Oh, it was not pretty. And the thing is, the friendship was salvageable. But I wasn't ready to talk, not yet. (I am leaving A LOT out....it's been a crazy couple of weeks, so, sorry the details are fuzzy) I needed a cool-down period. Frog stopped by anyway and asked the ONE THING he had to know would blow it, would end it for good. The one thing I've told him to never ask again, to never go there again. A few times. And he went there anyway in his paranoia and jealousy and his distrust. And the only thing I could say was "Get out. Now." OMG there was drama in the damn street in front of the house!

There was a flurry of giving things back, of exchanging items (I have realized there are some there that I still need) in a total bad 1980's break-up style. And DESPITE that, I still have things I have ordered for them for the baby shower that I will have to deliver. And I offered to give back the furniture they donated to us to sell because they need the money (which, by the way, they are going to take back....no, really, they are). I got told to forget about the shower stuff. Right. It's already ordered. And really, what am I going to do with a stack of cards with their baby's ultrasound on them? Oh! And I finished the damn baby blanket I had been making for them. I spent all damn day on it to get it out of my sight. I took goddamn PREGNANCY PHOTOS of Pixie for Frog for Father's Day. I sorted through baby clothes with them. I helped with the nursery. I put myself through HELL!!!! WHY????? I am my own worst enemy. So, yeah, I still care. But they won't see that.

Now they just want me purged from their lives as much as I do. My heart is a little broken right now. I have more to write, but maybe later today.

TGIF - for me, anyway

I'm glad it's my Friday. I am tired of drama, though, and all I will do is deal with it for the next 3 days probably. I should learn to keep my mouth shut and stop trying to help. Only ever seems to cause issues. But seriously, don't ask me a question if you don't want the answer.

That's it for today. I'm cranky. It's been a long 4 days and I still have 8 hours of work ahead of me. And our computer is still fried.

*Sigh* Hope everyone else is doing well out there in Blog Land.

Back to Work

So.....first day back was horrendous. I'm not even going to bother with the details. I vented yesterday and got it out of my system, and I'm done. Today is marginally better.

I have discovered that sitting is still not so comfy....oh, well. Whatcha gonna do, right?

So, home pooter is shortly to be fixed and I shall be uploading photos. I have a post planned with tons....and hopefully some (sarcastic) humor.

Spoke with my nurse - I let her know I have been unsuccessful in gaining weight and she said she wants 5-10 lbs on me. 5 by the time I start Lu.pron in just under 3 weeks. *Sigh* She said to try protein. I'm eating carrot sticks and peanut butter....think that's what she meant? I've gotta figure out how to do this. I'm going to have to eat constantly....

More later. These 10 hour work days are killing me, so next decent post probably won't be until Tuesday.....

Off the Grid

Both of our computers decided to die simultaneously yesterday....so all the pics I want to upload to here (and to Snapfish to order) I can't....I promise there will be awesome photos soon :)

Surfers were awesome!!!! Just my kind of peeps. We had a great night...I made a HUGE dinner for 9 and we went for a late night walk by the creek and picked wildflowers for Pixie and Frog, as well as caught fireflies :)

They left us a cd of the one guy's music, and a sea bead necklace :) It really all cheered me up, which I think helped with the body heal, because I CAN WALK!!!! WOOT!!!!

Today is my last day of leave (again, LOL), and it's back to the daily grind tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous, but if I can keep my spirits up, then I will be okay.

I have really vivid dreams, and the last few nights I have dreamt I was pregnant, in my 3rd trimester. I keep waking up feeling my belly and disappointed it is flat. Maybe this is an omen?

Updated IVF Schedule

Here is is, ladies....updated, and not getting cancelled this time. Not if I can help it. Not if I have to go work a strip joint for the next 3 weeks to make our finances work. Still have tons to update, and tomorrow will try to post photos and tell of our surfers from yesterday and the never-ending pile of crap. But for today.....I have a schedule. A couple things of note:

1. There is a solid chance that my retrieval will fall on the day of my sister's baby shower (yeah, not kidding) - which rules out transportation. I'm trying to get a few options ready for transportation - DH won't be able to get 2 days in 1 week off, so the trouble is finding someone to take me because it's more important to me that he be at the transfer. No matter which of those 4 days it is, they are almost all work days, so maybe I will have a week straight off.
2. The transfer stands a good chance of happening on my birthday. Again, not kidding. I really don't want that. I really don't. My first wedding was on my birthday and that didn't go so well.....
3. My beta will fall right around Pixie's due date, if not on her due date. Please be late, baby girl.....

So, without further ado, here it is....

Lupron start 20 units (orange tip syringe) evening of 7/9/10 (you will get a call this day to remind you). Take this in the evening between 8 and 9 pm.

Continue active birth control pills.

Last birth control pill 7/13/10(you may or may not get a period-no need to call) Continue Lupron 20units

First Office Visit=7/20/10

You will have Blood Work that am.

You will get a call that afternoon with exact instructions

Evening of 7/20(After you receive a call)

225 IU Gonal-F + 15 units Low Dose HCG

Lupron decreases to 5 Units

Evening of 7/21

225 IU Gonal-F + 15 units Low Dose HCG

Lupron 5 Units

Evening of 7/22

225 IU Gonal-F + 15 units Low Dose HCG

Lupron 5 Units

*Morning of 7/23

*In for blood work and ultrasound this am

After your second ultrasound appointment, it is a possibility that your medication doses could change and the days in which you come in for monitoring may vary so the following dates are estimates of when you will need to come in for monitoring.

7/25

7/27

7/28

7/29

7/30

Possible retrieval 7/29-8/1

Possible transfer 8/1-8/7

Still Alive

I promise to write more soon. Still haven't been able to get off the couch much, and much has happened this week. Been going through a lot. My goal this week is to try and catch up on everyone else's lives and stop being lost in my own world. I haven't fallen again, but still in a lot of pain. Will have some neat photos to post soon, but cannot quite yet.....

We have Couch Surfers arriving Tuesday for a night, and a party to attend tomorrow evening. It seems I have been thrown back in to the real world without much of a chance to prepare. It's hard to handle, but probably necessary.

Off to play with Shutterfly and get some of my "to do" list done.

Humpty Dumpty...

...fell down the sairs this morning. No kidding. Murphy's Law and I are way too well-acquainted. I cannot make this shit up. I am stuck in a recliner, left leg useless. 10 days off of work, and when I go back I have to head straight to real phone calls without the benefit of actually finishing training. So I'm a bit terrified by that. Because I really can't afford to fuck up and lose my job. Not now.

Ramifications of this??? I totally have to put off IVF. We need a shit-ton of work done on the car to pass inspection in a few weeks and we are short a lot of my income due to all this time off of work. I got 3 weeks of short term disbility pay (at 60% of full pay) in the nearly 8 weeks I have missed. So it looks like we're putting off IVF for 2 months. I think this means that I'll be on BCP for freakin 2 months straight....which is super! No, not really. I'm not sure yet. I was hoping for only 1 month, but I think 2 is more realistic financially.

I sobbed, I screamed, I laughed hysterically today. Shit, even the doctor laughed. I mean, really, it's kinda funny. In a fucked up kinda way. I'm hoping to find a way to sleep again during this time off at least. It's like one road block after another. After another. After another.

I am at least gonna get a chance to finish all the damn baby blankets I am making for OTHER PEOPLE. Yeah, I'm venting. I want to hopefully borrow this laptop I'm using right now later so I can catch up with other people and maybe stop feeling sorry for myself.

I'm totally rambling. Here's the thing....I've been needing to do this for a while. So, today was really just a shit day. Started with falling down the stairs, and it just got better and better from there.

Frog and Pixie are, well, making some changes in their house and living arrangements. Pixe's mom, who lives in their downstairs apartment is moving into the main house so they can rent out the apartment. So they had to tell her about me. Or thought they should. She admitted she thought something was going on, but hoped it wasn't. I've been down this road before with 2 other mom's, and I was always the bad guy. I mean, who wants their daughter to be bisexual or gay? Well, other than my parents, LOL. Anyway, her mom is Catholic....so she's going through the typical something is wrong with my daughter, etc etc etc. She is blaming Frog for it, saying she was never like this before she met him. Which is funny because they've been together 8 years and this is something Pixie has only opened up to herself about since I've been in their lives. Not that she's real pleased with me. I just don't know what's next. I totally feel like they've got all this crap going on in their lives, (not that I don't), and that I'm just causing more issues. I know it's not my fault, and this is their decision and they could have chosen to try and hide it but I feel terrible. Terrible.

What a goddamn day. What a goddamn week, month, fucking year. I want to be a good friend to the people I love, and I just can't even be there for them. I'm hitting a wall, here. I thought I hit that wall 2 months ago, but apparently, apparently I CAN take more shit. So you know what, world???? Keep dishing it out. Keep it the fuck up. Because I WILL find a way through all of this. I WILL find a way to be a good friend again. I WILL find a way to ... all of it.



A: Thank you for listening.
B: Sorry for the seriously foul language in this post.
C: I don't have a "C" but A and B only didn't seem to be enough.

Broken, again

I wanted to post pics yesterday. I want to talk. I want to not be freaking out, or at least get it all out. But instead, I tripped over a ladder in the dark and fell. Again. I spent yesterday on the couch and then recliner. Haven't slept again in 2 nights. Stopped taking all non-Pg safe drugs. So I'm a basketcase, anxious, and can't sleep. And in a lot of pain.

I came to work today. I made it halfway through before losing it. Can't take the pain. Waiting for Frog to come and take me to Urgent Care. I give up. I'm so over all of it. I just want ONE GODDAMN GOOD WEEK. Is that so much to ask??????

Nervous Nellie

Okay, so I want to read everyone's news, and I want to write, I just can't seem to. Went back to work, and ended up taking off a day in my first week back. I'm now on BCP and in 1 week I start the Lupron injections. I'm all kinds of nervous and stressed out, and I don't want to be Debbie Downer. I have to wean myself off the happy meds....and that worries the hell out of me.

I think I'm just overwhelmed and don't know what to say or how to put any of it into words, so still staying fairly quiet. Will try tomorrow to catch up with you guys, though. I need to know what's up in YOUR lives. I miss you...just very apathetic right now. Yell at me to snap out of it! Something! Were you this nervous and freaked going into your first IVF????

Contest Winner

I know I've been MIA - and I apologize for not commenting much. Since Friday I've been....just blah. I went back to work...and then called out today. Couldn't take it. I have much to write about, just no urge, if that makes sense. However, I did promise a winner to the Name My Uterus Contest, and I have made a decision. Ready? I mean, really, are you ready???

Drumroll please....

Winnings go to Circus Princess with the name Helga. So, Helga it is. Now I just have to let her know the good news.

I promise to re-enter the world. I'm pretty overwhelmed with the start of my cycle and going back to work and money and everything, so I'm trying.....I am. Just worn out....