Uncertainty

One of my favorite songs, a go-to song, is by Peter Gabriel.  It's called "That Voice Again."

There are a number of lyrics that strike me.  If it hasn't been clear before, I thrive on music.  Lyrics that I cannot write, but that seem to be spoken straight from my mind.  There was already one lyric on my body.  Now there are 2.  And I have a 3rd planned.  

What I hadn't put together, entirely, was the meaning behind the the line from this song.  But it ties in so much to the addiction issue I discussed before.

You can listen to the song for the full lyrics, but the ones that strike me straight through to my soul are these: 

I'm hearing right and wrong so clearlythere must be more than thisit's only in uncertaintythat we're naked and alive

It's that 2nd half that is now tattooed across my shoulders.  "It's only in uncertainty that we're naked and alive."  But from start to finish, those 4 lines are key.  I can SEE the problem.  I can FEEL (sometimes) the wrong, or the right.  But sometimes it's backwards.

In relation to my addictions this is so true.  I've spoken with my therapist about it, early on, actually, when she asked me about my tattoos.  She asked WHY it was so important, and I had difficulty voicing that.

But after my epiphany, I get it.  I need drama, adrenaline, danger, fear.  The situations that cause uncertainty, whether regarding safety, emotion, or otherwise make me feel ALIVE.  Some of that is okay.  Skydiving, rock climbing, road trips.  Adventure.  Those are a productive use of that need.  It's in real life situations that I run into problems.  Relationships, money...it all makes sense now.

I think, no, I KNOW that a lot of what needs to happen to make me truly functional, is to essentially break myself down, strip me clean, and build me back up.  Finding ways to take that energy and use it for positive, productive activities.  Without losing who I am.  It means keeping the good stuff while learning how to get rid of the bad.  The thing about the positive things is that they are quite individual.  So that brings us to the interpersonal stuff.  That's the issue.

I'm scared, you guys. Scared to dig that deeply.  Scared to recreate myself.

But with that...I feel alive.

And therein lies the problem.