You are asking questions that only you have answers to.
I hope you can find them, Kakunaa. How about not being with both the guys and have some sort of self-regrouping, some time-out?
I feel you are just spiralling...Please take care.
Ahhh, well, time alone - I'm not sure I can manage it. Hubby will be gone as of Wednesday for Ohio. I can't bring myself to shut TG out yet. A lot of that is knowing that soon it will be over anyway. And I don't want to let down his kids any earlier than necessary. Oh, wait, did I mention the kids? Oh, boy. Yes, 3 of them. Who like me better than their own mother, one in particular. TRAIN WRECK. \
As for spiraling. Yes, very much so. I understand addiction much better than I once did. The want/need to be numb. To be free of one's brain. I get it. Completely.
The second comment that struck me came this morning (or late last night, whatever) and is from an Anonymous commenter.
Might I ask, where is your child in all of this? I know you can't stay in a reationship that doesn't make you happy. That is clearly not the right way to make a happy mommy for your kiddo, but you talk so much about you in these posts. What about him? What is right for him? I pray for strength for you, and answers!
Oh, boy. Loaded question. Where is he? Blissfully unaware of his mama's chaos, thank goodness. Yes, I talk a lot about me. Because these are my issues. But in the end, when all is said and done, long term major decisions are always made with P in mind. He comes before me at all costs. Which is why I will suck it up, not run from my marriage just because it has gotten hard, insist on counseling, and try to find my way back. He is why I sought treatment. He is why I am on enough meds to sedate an elephant, but not me. He is why when the time comes I will pack us up and move us to OH to be with Hubby and start our lives there. What is right for him is parents who love him. He has that in spades. He has an amazing father who adores him and is able to play with him in ways I cannot. He has an army of "aunts" and "uncles" who adore him. He has grandparents and actual aunts who dote on him.
Taking him away from them is difficult. But in the end, parents who can afford to put food on the table and can put a roof over his head are pretty damn important. That isn't happening here.
Hubby and I have faced strife for the duration of our relationship. Money, injuries, surgeries, IF, money money money...you get the idea. It's no wonder that it has taken a toll on us. It's no wonder that our relationship has become more about the business of "living" than love. We very rarely catch a break. Not that I'm expecting unicorns and glitter all the time. Far from it. But the "for worse" stuff seems to have seriously outweighed the "for better" stuff. Except for P. Who is a beacon of light in our mounting disappointments.
So where is he in all of this? At the forefront of my mind. My reason for living, for sacrifice, for attempting to face all of this like an adult. Having a child changes it all. Everything, EVERYTHING comes back to him. When it comes down to it, yes, I need to find a healthy happy me. But not at the expense of him. I no longer come first, though I'm sure sometimes it seems like that.