Nail, Meet Hammer

Another post in response to a comment.  Maybe response isn't right.  Let me back up. 

Writing the things I have lately is incredibly difficult.  I am putting things out there about which I am not terribly proud.  About which I am terrified to share.  About which judgement could be rampant.  But you don't judge.  For which I love you.  

In fact, you are able to be objective, make observations I can't see from my insider train wreck view.  I feel the need to write about these observations for they are incredibly pertinent to my recovery.  Things that will certainly need to be covered in therapy.  Conclusions I would not have reached on my own.  So I thank you.

Back to topic.  My friend Heather posted this yesterday:

Addictions to drama and relationships with the wrong people can be just as dangerous as any addiction to drugs. They seem to be your go-to escape from all of the hard reality stuff. I hope you feel comfortable enough to be up-front about all of this with your counselor(s), and can find ways to manage this and become healthy for you and P. I worry that you will let all of this get in the way of the real loving relationships in your life. Take care of you, hon.

Yeah.

BAM.

Nail, you're going to have a headache from that hammer hit.  Way to drive it home.  I am unbelievably humbled by the accuracy of this statement.  It's an epiphany sort of statement.  The sort of statement that changes lives.

Dear gods...when I started talking about addiction, this sort never occurred to me.  But looking back...

OH. MY. GOD.

A: I may not be doing things for ME.  Rather, for others.  Picking up strays as someone once mentioned.  I need to "fix" people.  But won't allow anyone to "fix" me.

B: Those "strays" cause drama.  Get me into loads of emotional trouble.  Sometimes financial trouble.  But I CAN'T STOP.  I'm addicted to drama, excitement.  Fuck.  How did I not see this?  My ex-wife once said that I self-sabotage.  I didn't believe her.  But I totally do.

Safe bores me.  Makes me feel trapped.  So I seek excitement, uncertainty.  Which leads to drama.  Which leads to me being a mess.

If I expand this, in terms of addiction, I have to rethink nearly everything I've done.  EVERYTHING.  I am freaking out.

Infertility - it sucks.  It truly sucks.  When we first realized something was wrong, we just said we wanted to know if we could have kids, and if not, then so be it.  But it became something I simply could not let go.  It led me to go off the deep end.  It led to weeks on disability.  It led to success at all costs.  Was I addicted to the pain?  The need to WIN?  Holy shit!

What about my strays.

Do I need to be in the midst of chaos to feel alive?  Am I completely unable to function in hunky dory?  Do I create these situations?  Holy fucking shit.  I move from addiction to addiction.  To maintain the high of uncertainty.

This is life-altering.  I don't even know what to do with this.  How to attack it.  I hate confrontation, drama, yet I invite it in all the time. You can bet this is coming up in therapy in the next session.  Unless I can fix this cycle, I will always be a mess, a train wreck.