Have you ever seen the movie Runaway Bride? Julia Roberts is a woman who has been engaged a number of times and each time runs away on her wedding day. Richard Gere is a reporter who is assigned to write a story on her. What he discovers is that she molds herself into what the men she is with want. To the extent that she no longer knows what it is that she wants, likes, IS. Sometimes I wonder if that is what I do.
I cling fiercely to my independence and individuality. But I want to be loved, taken care of. Does this mean that I really don't want independence? Or does it mean that I want to make others happy to the point of it being detrimental to who I am?
Am I married for me? Or simply to make Hubby happy? Is this the life I dreamt of when I was younger? No. But I no longer believe that the life I want is possible. I question myself, all of my decisions. I feel lost and out of control.
Moving means I will be leaving someone for whom I care deeply. That someone's heart will be broken. And I feel horrid. I feel guilty when I am with him because I'm not at home with Hubby. When I'm home with Hubby, I feel guilty I am not with this other person (TG).
I feel like I fall for people who are in need. As though I can fix it. As though I can make their lives better. I want to take care of them. I want to be cared for in return. But what do I actually WANT? Do I want this family life? This "American Dream" sort of life?
Do I fear that by wanting this life I am giving up who I really am? Or am I questioning it because I always buck the system, yet seem to be living within it? If I don't fight for my marriage, if I just walk away...I would be doing it because times are hard. Giving up is not an option. And if I did, I would end up in another relationship almost immediately. It's how I am. I love being independent, but fear being alone.
I am doubting everything. I am even doubting the love I feel. If it's really love, or if it's that need to help others. And then when things get complicated that I am letting everyone down. Failure is a big issue. I don't want to disappoint people and end up losing myself in that goal. At least that's what I think is going on. Who knows. Certainly not me.
Confusion, anxiety...these things rule my life right now. I am happy only when I am escaping/ignoring my real world. The money issues, the marriage issues. Escapism is not the solution because eventually reality must be faced. There is no way around it. So how do I cope with it. How do I find a balance? I thought I had it with Hubby. Now I'm not so sure. TG makes me question things. I know I would have similar issues with him, though.
How can one person be your everything? I'm not sure I believe in that anymore. I'm not sure of a lot of things. I can't cope with difficult things. If I ignore them, they go away, right?
Who am I? What do I want? Am I doing anything for me, am I on a life path that will fulfill me, that will leave me with no regrets when my time comes to leave this earth?
At night I take Hubby's pain pills so that I am so knocked out I can't dream. Dreams for me are often nightmares - I wake up in a cold sweat freaking out, unwilling to let someone hold me for fear of being trapped. The fear in those moments is overpowering. It sends me into a downward spi
I can't work. I can't cope with reality, bills, money, the things that I need to be able to do to function in this world. I am a hot mess. A speeding train that has bad breaks, a sure wreck waiting to happen. I can barely verbalize all of this.
I need help to let me trust myself to be me within the constraints of everyday life. I want to not feel like this anymore. Ever.