I have been woefully absent from Blogger - honestly, I have been unable to concentrate on anything else but me. I love you guys, I do. Just needed me time. But seriously, smack me.
I am pretty sure I actually made myself sick yesterday. I was having heart palpitations, seeing spots, and then started getting light-headed and nearly passing out. Hubby took me to the hospital, talking to me the whole way to keep me conscious. I also had tightness in my chest in waves, and then a full-on asthma attack. They gave me Ativan (I could have been taking it allllll this time????) which made me comatose. Got released after they cleared me for preeclampsia. Couldn't find a damn thing wrong. We did pull me off the Procardia because the earlier symptoms could easily have been from that and I've been on it for 6 weeks. So it's stopped a week early. I also learned that contractions I used to feel I don't even notice anymore.
I am so overwhelmed I made myself sick. This is where I was a year ago. But I am supposed to be happy! Cricket is nearly here! But bedrest has made me feel useless and unable to nest. No control. Which is driving me insane. And I am constantly in pain, which gets old.
In the last week I have lost a friend (Colliwog) and a former friendship (Pixie) seems to be starting up in fits and starts, which confuses the hell out of me. Emotional much?
Hubby's reassurances that "everything will get done" just don't seem to be cutting it. I am at a loss. And borderline losing it.
So please....smack me. Maybe a jolt to the system is what I need. Yesterday was TERRIFYING, and I'm pretty sure it was for Hubby, too. To find me white as a ghost and barely coherent could not have been fun. This is the kind of thing I am terrified I will pass on to Cricket.
Maybe being able to move around more soon will help. I can only hope. In the meantime, I give you permission to smack the hysterical pregnant lady. Please. Before I totally go off the deep end.
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First a hug. It's not like you are doing it on purpose. Bedrest is a killer, I have not been on it but I can imagine. On the fear that you will pass your anxiety and panic attacks to Cricket...DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!!! I have a friend whose's mother was seriously anxious (she used to go into his room at night, turn on the light, to make sure he was still alive...I mean..he was 30!!) and he's the calmest person i have ever met in my life!! Yes it will be difficult but mostly for you, it's totally novel ground and there are no reference, no instruction manual. But you will be fine, like we all are. And seriously, this is coming from a gal who has bought two (TWO) breathing monitors for the little one!!
ReplyDeleteI second Fran... Big hug from this way too. :)
ReplyDeleteGiant hugs from here, too. No smacking, just hugs!
ReplyDeleteHuge ((HUGS)) and an email coming your way. I don't mind you haven't been on Blogger, I have other ways to stalk you!! xx
ReplyDeleteHon, my advice would be 3 things:
ReplyDelete1) Just try to get through one minute at a time.
2) Stay away from any and all outside sources of drama as much as possible right now, because you don't need the added stress. It's okay to tell people to get lost when you need to. You can use pregnancy as an excuse for just about anything.
3) Work on taking care of you, and that baby. Find whatever happiness and comfort is available at the moment, whether it's listening to beautiful music, a comfy chair, or a bubble bath, and enjoy it.
As for passing the anxiety on to Cricket, I can understand that fear, and the thing that really stinks is that we can and do pass things on to our children that we don't like about ourselves. But it wouldn't be the end of the world even if she did have these issues. She would be a lovely and complicated person, like her mama. It would just be a part of who she is, among many, many other things.
Sending lots of hugs and good thoughts your way!
HUGS from me. ...
ReplyDeletebut sweetie, you need to relax, seriously.
EVERYTHING will get done and the people in your life are going to Come and go constantly, even more so after Cricket is here and honestly you will care less for a little while because NEW BABY trumps everything.
I know that you are emotional, sad, frustrated, but I keep telling you that BEDREST doesn't have to be a bad thing, it can be a time where you really do REST..before Cricket gets here. You will need this time and miss it more than you know soon.
I am so sorry you are feeling so out of sorts, I'm sending some very very calming vibes to you. To just BE for right now....
love you...lots
No smacks from me, either! Sounds like you are being plenty hard on yourself.
ReplyDeleteI hope you will banish this perfectionist mentality. Cause that's what it sounds like. You think this PG thing has to go a certain way. Well it's not going the way you planned. You have to rest. Like DaisyGal said, it doesn't have to be a bad thing. How about you do something creative, write a poem, paint, scrapbook, do something that uses your creativity, that focuses your brain on something outside the drama you are experiencing.
Or just watch a funny movie!
Smacks, hmmm, no, I think that you need a medi/pedi and a pilates class, and maybe a visit with my therapist. Being on berets for so long has got to be getting old, and having nothing to distract your mind, holy moly, I'd be a blithering hot mess too.
ReplyDeleteAre there any 'resting' kinds of activities that you can do? like going swimming/floating, or to the movies, or a wheelchair tour of a museum?
You didn't ask for ideas though, so I'll stop offering, and start supporting. Ohhh, you should be receiving a little something in the mail from me soon too :) I hope that it brightens your day.
You are okay, you are beautiful, you can carry this babe until the time is right to deliver. You are perfectly enough and you can do this. I believe in you G.
hugs to you ... I know you're feeling better, but I still wanted to know that we're out here, and that you should breathe, and that I'm happy to talk with you about hypothyroid issues!
ReplyDelete