Please Stop The Rollercoaster, I Want To Get Off

I'm here.  I promise.  I see definite improvement, which is so wonderful.  Fewer terrible days.  Even some good days!

It's a rollercoaster though.  Sometimes I just wake up feeling like shit.  I embrace the good days. But I am able to make it through a decent number of days without taking the acute anxiety drug.  What I don't enjoy is that there is no way to tell with me.   It's a rollercoaster.  Some days just numb.  Some days so wound up I can't function.  Some days peaceful.  What sucks is the toll my ups and downs take on my friends.  They feel shut out one day, bewildered the next.  One friend in particular is struggling quite a bit.  All I can tell him is don't give up on me.  Please don't give up on me.

I start individual therapy this upcoming Friday.  I am both looking forward to starting that process and dreading it.  Because it's scary shit.  Facing myself like that is kind of terrifying.  But healing is necessary, so I am on board.

I started doing things for ME.  Like juicing, and coming up with muffin recipes that will allow me to eat something that tastes good but will get me lots of veggies.  It's also my way of trying to get P to eat that stuff.  He would live on cheese crackers and bananas if I let him.  He is cruising the perimeters now. Walking is just around the corner.  I got my hair cut.  Considering a radical dye job.  But not feeling it all the way.

There are some potentially major things coming ... I am saying no more because I don't want to jinx us.  We have shitty luck as it is.

What I want is to find my normal again.  Find work I find challenging and rewarding.  Make a difference.  Be a good mom to P, a good wife to Hubby.  I want to not be afraid to get out of bed, to wake up.

There was a storm rolling in last weekend.  I sat on TG's swing and let the rain and wind blow over me.  It was the most peaceful I have felt in a very long time.  I can't wait for more summer storms.  If that is what it takes, I will be getting very wet this year.