Sunday, April 15, 2012

Fighting The Good Fight

I am going downhill.  Action needs to happen.

Went up to the old 'hood Friday to spend the weekend with Hubby and TG.  It did not go well.  I had to ask TG to hide the razor blades taunting me from the kitchen above the sink.  And temporarily gave him custody of my meds.  I have to stay busy.  If I am not busy, I think.  I tried to nap today and all I could think about was finding a sharp object and causing myself some pain.  Not killing myself.  But hurting myself.  I was thisclose to going to the hospital.

I have support.  No one is leaving me alone.  And if I have to waste the gas money, I waste the gas money to drive where someone can help me.  Tomorrow I am calling the county crisis line, and if I have to self admit, I will.  But we have to figure out how to get care for P.

How did I get here?  I am so scared.  I have been scared about money, about our baby coming early...about so many things.  But being scared of myself?  It sucks.

I am beginning to hate the statement "but you're a mom and need to care for P."  No shit.  That's why I need help.  So I don't neglect him.  Hurt myself while he is here.  God forbid I do something stupid and CPS gets involved.  There is the camp of supporters who think hospitalization is overdoing it.  That it's just therapy and medication adjustment.  But I think we are looking at some serious adjustments, and really?  Who wants to be around me when that is going on?  I'm a wreck as it is.

My go-to therapy, at least while I am at home, is the kitchen.  Made carrot applesauce and blueberry kiwi pearsauce.  Chopped all our fresh veggies and froze them (we are terrible at using them on time).  Friday before I went postal I took some Spring photos.  That always makes me happy.  Today I made sugar free strawberry banana orange carrot zucchini muffins.

The thing is.  The past couple of days things that normally hold my interest have not.  I baked today to keep busy.  But no joy.  Had zero urge to tattoo this weekend.  Or get laid.  I barely want to be touched.

None of my crazy seems to be affecting P.  While at home we have great sleep progress and something resembling a schedule.  And he has gone from an Army crawl to standard crawling to pulling up and cruising in a week.  Not kidding.  The pulling up and cruising came today.  Once he picks something up he is alllll about it.  So, for now...he is good.  Too bad I am terrible at playing with him right now.  I think he knows something though...he crawls over, stands up, and lays kisses on me like raindrops.

I am getting help because of him.  Because of this amazing kid who snuggles and babbles and wants to know about EVERYTHING as soon as he sees it.  As I write this he is giving his daddy kisses for the first time.

For him, all for him.  I need to get better.  I need to not do something stupid.  I don't know if my trip is happening.  At least not as soon as I had hoped.  But you all have been incredibly supportive.  It helps me so much to know I am not alone.  That there is another side.  That I can find me again in the darkness. I have to believe that I can.  That the pain can go away.

8 comments:

  1. I am so very sorry. Praying.

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  2. Oh, sweetie, please know that you are NOT alone.

    You are so brave to go get help. Please do it for YOU. You, my dear, deserve to be whole, to have the help to heal the pain. Through your hard work you will stop the cycle of pain and not pass it on to P.

    Just know that there are people out here who are sending you love and support.

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  3. As previously I really cannot claim to have a clue but, again, please know I'm out here thinking of you. It's great to see you posting and to know that you are taking steps to get out of where you find yourself and to a safer and better place, whatever that entails.

    I know the situations don't compare, but for whatever it's worth, when I broke an arm and needed surgery I was tremendously relieved to be hospitalized and not around my energetic, loving preschooler. He's a wonderful person and obviously it was essential to me that he be well cared for (and fortunately extended family stepped up), but the last thing I needed was him around, which is my circuitous way of saying that even only having faced far lesser, and simpler, problems, I totally get the need to focus on healing you and not on being "there" for your child.

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  4. I'm struggling to find the right words here. It makes me so happy when I see a post from you. You are here. You are breathing. You are even cooking and shooting photos. In the middle of so much suck, you are posting and getting the words out. Keep going. My prayer is that every day you wake up your burden is a little lighter and you find a little more strength to keep going.
    We continue to be here.

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  5. Thinking of you and sending my love.

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  6. I'm so sad to hear you are feeling like this. You will make the right decision for yourself and for your family. Hang in there chica.

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  7. You totally can and will get better. Don't lose hope, you are being proactive about it and it will work out. Much love, Fran

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  8. You arent alone. You are doing the right thing by reaching out and getting help. Sending loving thoughts and hugs

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Whip me, beat me, take away my charge card. Or just leave a comment. Whichever works best for you :)