I am going downhill. Action needs to happen.
Went up to the old 'hood Friday to spend the weekend with Hubby and TG. It did not go well. I had to ask TG to hide the razor blades taunting me from the kitchen above the sink. And temporarily gave him custody of my meds. I have to stay busy. If I am not busy, I think. I tried to nap today and all I could think about was finding a sharp object and causing myself some pain. Not killing myself. But hurting myself. I was thisclose to going to the hospital.
I have support. No one is leaving me alone. And if I have to waste the gas money, I waste the gas money to drive where someone can help me. Tomorrow I am calling the county crisis line, and if I have to self admit, I will. But we have to figure out how to get care for P.
How did I get here? I am so scared. I have been scared about money, about our baby coming early...about so many things. But being scared of myself? It sucks.
I am beginning to hate the statement "but you're a mom and need to care for P." No shit. That's why I need help. So I don't neglect him. Hurt myself while he is here. God forbid I do something stupid and CPS gets involved. There is the camp of supporters who think hospitalization is overdoing it. That it's just therapy and medication adjustment. But I think we are looking at some serious adjustments, and really? Who wants to be around me when that is going on? I'm a wreck as it is.
My go-to therapy, at least while I am at home, is the kitchen. Made carrot applesauce and blueberry kiwi pearsauce. Chopped all our fresh veggies and froze them (we are terrible at using them on time). Friday before I went postal I took some Spring photos. That always makes me happy. Today I made sugar free strawberry banana orange carrot zucchini muffins.
The thing is. The past couple of days things that normally hold my interest have not. I baked today to keep busy. But no joy. Had zero urge to tattoo this weekend. Or get laid. I barely want to be touched.
None of my crazy seems to be affecting P. While at home we have great sleep progress and something resembling a schedule. And he has gone from an Army crawl to standard crawling to pulling up and cruising in a week. Not kidding. The pulling up and cruising came today. Once he picks something up he is alllll about it. So, for now...he is good. Too bad I am terrible at playing with him right now. I think he knows something though...he crawls over, stands up, and lays kisses on me like raindrops.
I am getting help because of him. Because of this amazing kid who snuggles and babbles and wants to know about EVERYTHING as soon as he sees it. As I write this he is giving his daddy kisses for the first time.
For him, all for him. I need to get better. I need to not do something stupid. I don't know if my trip is happening. At least not as soon as I had hoped. But you all have been incredibly supportive. It helps me so much to know I am not alone. That there is another side. That I can find me again in the darkness. I have to believe that I can. That the pain can go away.