- Zoloft (200 mg daily)
- Risperdal (.5 mg daily)
- *NEW* Lamictal - don't remember dosage, but it doubles in 2 weeks
- *NEW* Hydroxyzine - don't remember brand name or dosage - this is to replace Ativan for acute anxiety symptoms.
- They wanted me to do the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) which is 9-3 M-F, but childcare for P would be an issue. So, now they are trying to get me into the Transitional Outpatient Program, which would normally come after the IOP. That meets 9-12 a couple days a week. Theory: any treatment is better than none
- See a therapist. This has to wait until there is an opening and could take a few weeks.
I'm not going to lie, the group thing terrifies me. I'm tired of crying and I'm terrified of letting things out. A friend told me to remember that they are all in similar situations and are there to support, not judge. So I just have to remember that.
It is taking all I have not to completely shut down and shut everyone out. The supportive comments and discussions on Twitter and FB are helping. I know that I need to get out of the house, but taking that step, literally, across the threshold is more like climbing a 12 foot wall with no partner. Today I HAVE to go to the grocery store. My anxiety is so bad that I shake and twitch. I must look like a junkie, and facing people in public is just terrifying. Dreading it. But if I can focus on the task at hand, perhaps I will survive. Also seeing a friend today I haven't seen in close to 15 years. Which will either be good or freak me out. I don't know yet.
Unemployment update: I was officially denied. Now, I can fight this. The issue is that I currently cannot work, and being able and available for work is a requirement. PA does not have state disability. What do I do? Seriously, what?
I also need to call the county assistance office and get the ball rolling on things like food stamps and CHIP for P. Again, it's the issue of conquering the threshold to do such things.
The reason I was not admitted for inpatient care is that I am not full-on have a plan suicidal. Just, as they say, fleeting thoughts. The bad part is that I am "cutting". In quotations because I don't use a blade, I use a nail file. No permanent damage or blood.
I can barely interact with P. Luckily, he is a fairly independent little booger and will play on his own. It's when he gets needy that I have issues. Mid afternoon and evening are my bad times of the day. Of course, that's when he is neediest and I have to be on top of my game. I feel like the worst mom ever. Which just compounds the anxiety and depression.
I am scared. I want to get better. But I have never been this bad before and it really is rather terrifying. One of my closest friends and I are on the outs, partly because of my bipolar. So, it got me fired, and it's losing me a friend in a time when I can't afford to lose people. Which makes me angry. So angry. And so sad. I despise this illness. I want it to just go away. I don't want to spend my life on umpteen drugs to help me be "normal". But this is the hand I've been dealt. And so, to war I will go.
Tally Ho, soldiers. Tally Ho.