Friday, April 20, 2012

To War I Go

Yesterday I had my psych eval.  It was fairly basic.  Not much exciting to report.  I have a follow up in 2 weeks to see how the new meds are doing and continue to tweak my treatment plan.


  • Zoloft (200 mg daily)
  • Risperdal (.5 mg daily)
  • *NEW* Lamictal - don't remember dosage, but it doubles in 2 weeks
  • *NEW* Hydroxyzine - don't remember brand name or dosage - this is to replace Ativan for acute anxiety symptoms.
Treatment Plan:
  • They wanted me to do the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) which is 9-3 M-F, but childcare for P would be an issue.  So, now they are trying to get me into the Transitional Outpatient Program, which would normally come after the IOP.  That meets 9-12 a couple days a week.  Theory: any treatment is better than none
  • See a therapist.  This has to wait until there is an opening and could take a few weeks.
I'm not going to lie, the group thing terrifies me.  I'm tired of crying and I'm terrified of letting things out.  A friend told me to remember that they are all in similar situations and are there to support, not judge.  So I just have to remember that.

It is taking all I have not to completely shut down and shut everyone out.  The supportive comments and discussions on Twitter and FB are helping.  I know that I need to get out of the house, but taking that step, literally, across the threshold is more like climbing a 12 foot wall with no partner.  Today I HAVE to go to the grocery store.  My anxiety is so bad that I shake and twitch.  I must look like a junkie, and facing people in public is just terrifying.  Dreading it.  But if I can focus on the task at hand, perhaps I will survive.  Also seeing a friend today I haven't seen in close to 15 years.  Which will either be good or freak me out.  I don't know yet.  

Unemployment update: I was officially denied.  Now, I can fight this.  The issue is that I currently cannot work, and being able and available for work is a requirement.  PA does not have state disability.  What do I do?  Seriously, what?  

I also need to call the county assistance office and get the ball rolling on things like food stamps and CHIP for P.  Again, it's the issue of conquering the threshold to do such things.  

The reason I was not admitted for inpatient care is that I am not full-on have a plan suicidal.  Just, as they say, fleeting thoughts.  The bad part is that I am "cutting".  In quotations because I don't use a blade, I use a nail file.  No permanent damage or blood.  

I can barely interact with P.  Luckily, he is a fairly independent little booger and will play on his own.  It's when he gets needy that I have issues.  Mid afternoon and evening are my bad times of the day.  Of course, that's when he is neediest and I have to be on top of my game.  I feel like the worst mom ever.  Which just compounds the anxiety and depression.

I am scared.  I want to get better.  But I have never been this bad before and it really is rather terrifying.  One of my closest friends and I are on the outs, partly because of my bipolar.  So, it got me fired, and it's losing me a friend in a time when I can't afford to lose people.  Which makes me angry.  So angry.  And so sad.  I despise this illness.  I want it to just go away.  I don't want to spend my life on umpteen drugs to help me be "normal".  But this is the hand I've been dealt.  And so, to war I will go.  

Tally Ho, soldiers.  Tally Ho.


  1. I know how debilitating agoraphobia and anxiety can be. My ex went through it and there were weeks where he wouldn't leave our house. You CAN get throught his though. You are getting help and thats the first step.

    Joey was not big on therapy or group sessions either. He always figured he could do it himself. Now that he's going its a whole different story. He looks forward to his group sessions. Its nice knowing others are going through the same things as he is AND they do activities that are making him think and choose different coping mechanisms.

    We're all here for you - keep fighting the good fight!

  2. Oh Sweetheart, good for you!

    About how scary it is to start group therapy, I was so nervous when I had to go (several months worth after a week of inpatient) but it turned out to be really great. For me, it was a huge help to see that other people who were smart and awesome and kind struggled too. And everyone was so nice. It may take you a few times to get used to it and start to feel comfortable but do give it a shot.

    Also, I often felt "off" when changing meds or doses so some of what you are feeling now may be due to that. And you may not need to be on all of them for the rest of your life, and even if you do it doesn't really matter, does it?

    Getting stabilized is very hard work and you ARE doing it. I am so proud of you.

    As a side note, wearing headphones in the grocery store may help you feel less in public. You don't even have to turn on music because just wearing them will make people less likely to disturb you with chit chat.


  3. I am sorry to read that you are having such a difficult time. I stopped taking all of my meds when we moved, and for the first few months there was plenty to keep my mind busy, but now that we have settled in and are struggling with the pay cut we took moving here to Washington, I have started to get back to my old anxiety habits... bad sleep, always exhausted, just wanting to be alone and curled up in bed. I decided to start using what was left of my meds this past week and made an appointment with a new psychiatrist here. I miss my old doctor back in Hawaii so much and I just hope I like this new one and hope she is willing to continue on the same med treatment. It makes me so nervous! And I can't find a job to save my life, so all the money issues don't help matters.


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