PYHO: Living With GAD



I have GAD.  Well, it depends on the doctor.  Some have said depression + anxiety. One even said possible bipolar.  I have some pretty serious highs and lows.  Some days I think the depression is the worst part of it.  It also comes with some OCD tendencies.  But really, the worst is the anxiety. 

I know many of us suffer from this, but for those of you that don't, I wanted to give you a glimpse into how the anxious brain, at least for me, functions. 

Example: We put up the first of the cool baby gates. Metal with bars and a door that swings open.  Most would look at it and see safety.  I looked at it and saw my cats lying with their heads through the bars with their neck broken.  The image doesn't go away.

Walking down my stairs with the baby is terrifying.  My mom won't do it.  I have no choice.  But what I see every time is me slipping and falling and P's lifeless body under me at the bottom.  I am a klutz.  This is not a stretch.  I need a house without stairs.

While driving I see myself going out of control and smashing headlong into a telephone pole or tree or something, totaling my car, and being seriously injured.  Worse, I see us being t-boned and P being seriously injured or killed. 

And on and on...you get the idea.  I look at normal things and see the worst.  And a panic attack?  Hyperventilation, shaking, what I call "tunnel vision"...rational goes out the window.  The good thing is that years ago I finally saw a doctor.  And last year we figured out what works for me.  Thank goodness.  Stressful jobs do not help, though.  With the meds, though, the things I imagine are able to be pushed away some.  I have a little more control. 

As a bonus, they actually do help with the depression and my excessive empathy, leaving me to watch movies without turning into a blubbering mess over every little joy and sadness.  Seriously, I have been known to cry at cotton commercials.  The downside?  Feeling kind of numb.  Not always being ABLE to cry if I want/need to.  But, being able to handle situations better?  It's worth it.  Most of the time. 

I know from experience that some people don't believe that something like this is a "real" disease.  It is.  And its effects can be devastating.  I missed 6 weeks of work last year when it was out of control.  It is VERY real, very scary, and sometime debilitating.  And when someone suffers, you can recommend things all you want, but in the end, like many things, a person has to want to have help.  It cannot be forced.  So please, be supportive to people in your life suffering from mental health diseases.  Listen when they need it.  Encourage them to seek help of whatever sort works for them.  But understand that sometimes, our reactions, our behaviours are out of our control.

*This is part of Shell's Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays.  Feel free to join in, but be respectful.

Video Tuesday

I thought I would give you something to make you smile today :-)

Phelan the Raptor: http://youtu.be/mFQIZ2WHw5g

Phelan Clucks: http://youtu.be/w_3NZart7Rk

The Not-Crawl: http://youtu.be/_q_NEub_qdA

I can't embed from work...sorry gang.  Enjoy!!!

FNL: Thanksgiving Edition

• We survived Turkey Day.  P refused to eat or sleep all day.  Awesome.  He is totally out of whack.  Hoping he gets back to normal today.
• My dad is pushing for us to move to Vermont when he goes.  Part of me is not so much against this.  I would love for P to grow up in a rural New England setting...lots to consider.
• Still no driver's license for Hubby = still no job.  We are PISSED.  And he is so frustrated.  He wants to work.  And we REALLY need him to work.  Apparently he can have the BMV for IN fax an affadavit of some sort to the DMV for PA and hopefully get his license transferred that way.  It's that or drive to IN for a replacement.  Not really a financially great thing to do.  *pulls hair out in frustration*
• New schedule starts 12/4 - because my days off change from S/M off to F/S off I will be working 10 days straight.  Shoot me now!
• Oooh!  Our Christmas gift from my mom arrived - a Britax Roundabout 55.  It is HUGE.  And cozy.  And doesn't slip all over the place.  Here is my question: since 1 year is the minimum for rear-facing, but longer is recommended, what the hell do I do with the fact that his feet are already at the edge of the seat?  Do I just kind of let him scrunch up his legs?  Any tips would be greatly appreciated!
• I have some hysterical videos of P - I will try to get them posted this weekend.  I need to upload them first.  He is such a goof :-) 
• We have decided we ARE doing a tree this year, though there won't be much under it.  But I think he is old enough to be fascinated by it :-)  Not huge, and it's not going up for a couple more weeks.  I hate dealing with the never-ending pine needles!
• Still no teeth, no crawling (he can get up on his arms, or he can get his butt up, but not both, LOL).  No urge to stand or pull-to-standing.  Totally okay with my lazy baby :-)  Dreading child-proofing!  And chasing.  The poor animals are doomed once that starts!
• I decided just now to take a day off in the 10 day stretch.  So I will only do 7 days straight.  I can make it.  *Gulp*
• As usual, there was more on my mind, none of which I can remember, so I leave you here to enjoy the rest of your (hopefully) long weekend (I don't have one). 

PYHO: I Miss Ignorance

I would not have made it through this journey, from diagnosis through treatment and pregnancy, to OMG-what-do-I-do-with-this-small-screaming-human if it wasn't for the ALI blogging community. (See all the comments on my post from yesterday.)  My dream in life has been to DO GOOD.  To MAKE A DIFFERENCE.  And the ALI community has allowed that.  I can provide support, reach out, help others.  And for all of this I am incredibly grateful. 

But like Adele says, "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead." 

There have been times throughout this journey that I have had to back away.  That I haven't been able to read or comment.  The pain radiating from some people knocks me down like being slammed in the chest.  I am overly empathetic, and sometimes I just can't handle it.  I want to go back to be blissfully ignorant of things like IUGR and IC and watching your babies die after delivering too soon.  Of hearts and hopes crushed by a disease that isn't even recognized by most people. 

The lows are so incredibly low.  So terrible. So unbelievable sometimes.

But then there are the highs.  The suprise BFPs, the baby delivered safely after a complicated pregnancy, the adoptions that go through and stick.  Good news in this community can give me a high for days.  I don't mind my excessive empathy so much on those days.  I wish that joy on all of us. 

I won't ever turn my back completely and disappear.  I am part of this community, and always will be.  My family is not complete.  I have struggles to go.  I still have bump envy.  I am scared of another pregnancy...or of one never happening.  I want my friends to find joy, to be able to build their families. 

But somedays, I just want to go back and pretend I don't know about any of this.

This post is part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays over at Things I Can't Say, hosted by the awesome Shell.  Please go read, join in, and remember, we are pouring out things that are difficult to say, so keep an open mind and heart. 



Sleep Deprivation

Once again, I am going to touch on the issue of my son not sleeping. 

I hate CIO.  Hate it.  The sound of him screaming makes me want to tear my hair out and run to him.  I can't do it.  But waking up from 2-4 times a night? And the only thing that puts him back to sleep is milk.  The doctor said we can't give him water yet.  But really?  No wonder he is so chubby.  He goes through 3-4 bottles from 7 pm to 7 am.  Seriously. 

Last night?  Asleep at 6.  Up at 7, full 6 oz bottle.  Wide awake and playing.  7:30 took him to bed.  Meltdown.  4 oz later, back to sleep (8pm)  Up at 10:30 pm.  Bottle.  Up at midnight.  Finish bottle.  Up at 2.  Bottle.  Up at 3:30.  Play.  Until 5.  Bottle.  Apparently at that point he went back to sleep for 2 hours.  Of course, I was not home at this point. 

Listen, my kid is AHHHHH-MAZING.  He is chubby.  He is jolly.  He has adorable rosy cheeks.  He is like a baby Santa.  But he WILL NOT STAY ASLEEP.  I love him.  But I. Need. Sleep.  And seriously, he is so fat!  Why?  Because he eats allllll niiiiiiight looooong.  More frequently than he does during the day.  What is that about?  Tonight I am switching back to crib fun and see what happens.  And honestly, I'm giving him water.  He is obviously healthy.  And maybe water will be the trick.  I have heard it works for other people. I know I am not alone in this not-sleeping baby thing, but it feels like it some days.

Niece slept through the night at 10 weeks.    Sister and her DH did the 3 minutes crying the first night, 5 the next, etc etc etc and swore it worked.  But see, patting P on the back and soothing does not work.  He has to be picked back up.  And without bottle/boob, he screams.  Or...wakes up and plays.  Soooo....yeah.  Do I just accept that I may never sleep again?

I hate assvice.  And I know he should be sleeping at some point.  And I don't want to totally override his natural rhythms.  But more than 2 hours at a time would be nice.  Y'know?  So, please, I am taking suggestions. 

P.S.  I tried the water.  It went like this: suck suck WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH.  So, fail.

FNL: Flustercuck

• I didn't want to put fuck in the title, thus "flustercuck." 
• Hubby had an interview last Friday for a good job - they hired the person in front of him.  Awesome.
• Hubby found a temp job - 4-12 weeks, 6 days a week, 12 hours a day.  Yeah, I won't see him.  What happens?  He goes in to fill out the paperwork, and they will not accept his temp IN license for a background check.  The actual license has not arrived yet.  Because the person who mailed it from the driving school put the wrong address on it.  So he CAN'T get a job until that arrives.  So he might miss out on this opportunity.  Awesome - again.  It seems they may hold a spot for him, so that is good.  He is so anxious to be working, contributing.
• P is a sneaky devil.  He faked out the very experienced sitter yesterday.  Cried as though in pain for 1.5 hours straight.  He even threw up.  She gave him teething rings, put teething gel on, gas drops, bicycled his legs, rocked him, walked him, tried to feed both milk and solid food...etc etc etc.  She finally called me because he is NEVER like this.  He is a happy baby.  So I left work and went to check on him - he fussed for show when I came in and then was all grins and happiness.  He played sick to get me to come to him.  At 8 months old.  I. Am. Screwed.  This kid is already too smart for his own good. 
• I am stoked about thrift store finds from earlier this week - rocking horses, a juicer, clothing, books, etc for $65.  SCORE! 
• In order to get everything for Christmas done I am going to have to start staying up later or doing projects while P is playing.  Sigh.  DIY Christmas.  Good to do.  Requires time.
• The first batch of Holiday cards rolled in - I am so stoked!  Our first family holiday card!  I feel so grown up.  Tee hee.
• In case you didn't read my post yesterday, I am FED UP with my job.  I hate that I need it.  Sorry, rough week.  Rough couple of weeks.  Mantra: "It pays the bills. It pays the bills. It pays the bill..."
• How is Thanksgiving next week?  Seriously.  How is it November.  And how is my son 8 months on Sunday.  WHERE IS THE TIME GOING????  Oh, Father Time, you are cruel sometimes. 
• I swear that I am brain dead.  I come in here to write, and I am at a loss. I feel like I have no direction on here anymore.  Someone told me I don't really NEED direction, but you know, I'd like to keep y'all interested.  I am just drawing a blank.  Sorry for being boring.  I love you all for sticking around.

Posted as part of Danifred's 

Go join in!

PYHO: When Work Changes You

*This was supposed to be my PYHO post for yesterday, but I was unable to get it completed on time. 

I used to like people. All kinds of people. And, in reality, I still do. My job has made it difficult for me to remember that.


I work in Technical Support for a wireless phone company. When your phone doesn't work, you call me. Working in a call center entails METRICS. Meaning, there are stats covering how long your calls are, how much time you spend on outbound calls, how many people call back after speaking with you...and on and on and on. What is considered "meeting" for these metrics can change from month-to-month as well as what counts toward our ranking can even change month-to-month. To say this can all be nerve-wracking is an understatement. There is "always room for improvement."
 
Given the above metrics, and that they affect my job performance, my bonuses, and the number of times I get "the talk" at work, my calls, and thus customers, can severely impact my day.  So people who have valid concerns, valid issues, and normally are people with whom I would get along (not all of them, not gonna lie) become irritants of the highest degree.
 
Calling from your phone?  STRIKE - this means I will either have to call you back on another line (outbound call time which affects my handle time) or you won't, and you will end up having to call back (affecting my percentage of people calling back).  Don't like you. 
 
Yelling at me because of a company policy?  STRIKE - I know, I know, I represent the company.  I get that.  But most likely I also think the policy sucks.  But I can't change it.  And if I tell you there is nothing else I can do, I am not lying to you.  My hands are tied.  Please stop yelling at me.  It doesn't change anything and just makes me frustrated. 
 
Have a new phone and can't figure out how to use it or follow simple directions?  STRIKE - I applaud you for trying something new, and I know you are just looking for help.  I get that.  If I had all day to teach you, I would be all over that.  But you needing me to walk you through every procedure on the phone for 45 minutes means my handle time is terrible, and I am held accountable for that.  Go to the store. 
 
You get the idea.  When I am not at work, I hate using the phone.  It takes me days to call people back.  DAYS.  I think my adoration for social media is because I don't have to speak.  I don't have to sound perky if I'm not.  I can say what I want when I want to.  Even if I adore you, chances are I don't want to speak with you on the phone. 
 
This is how I keep food on the table.  If I could find a job that paid this much I would be out of here.  Because I hate that I really dislike people now.  That valid things annoy the shit out of me because they make 40 hours of my life a week miserable.  It's not you.  Well, sometimes it is.  But really, it's me.  It's what limits me in my job.  I'm sure you're a nice person.  But stop calling me.  I'm over it.

Card Decision

I had a hard time figuring out cards.  And then realized that 2 of the cards I chose were the wrong size for the promo, so I said "Fuck it" and ordered all the same card.  I couldn't stand the thought of digging through the selections again.

So....

Here is the card for the season!

5x7 Folded Card

View the entire collection of cards.

This doesn't allow you to see the inside, unfortunately, but it's cool.  I am happy.  And I can't spend any more time on it.  They are ordered.

Thanks to Shutterfly, K, and Jen for the opportunity to send out cards this year!  It wouldn't have happened otherwise, and I am very grateful!

Happy Holidays!

Christmas Sneak Peek!

FNL: The OMG I Am So Behind Edition

I will be linking up with Danifred this week, and it's a good thing...I am so freaking behind on things!



• I am soooo far behind on blogs, Twitter, etc.  I had to wipe out my reader.  I'm so sorry you guys.  I have been reading what I can and unfortunately, commenting even less.  I'm not sure what my problem is.  I have been in a major slump.  Like the don't want to get out of bed kind.  Honestly, if P wasn't here, I'm not sure I wouldn't be off the deep end right now.  He is my motivation.
• Hubby briefly had a job...and then it turned out they lied, it wasn't a delivery job.  It was a door-to-door sales job.  Yeah, not so much.
• He does have what we hope is a real job interview today.  Fingers crossed.
• I had a horrendous discussion with my mom and step-dad re: baby 2.0.  I know they were speaking out of concern, but I ended up feeling like they think we are completely bonkers for wanting to shoot for #2.  It ended with me in tears and drinking far more wine than I should have.
• I stopped pumping entirely, and P pretty much refuses to nurse most of the time.  Maybe once a day, and very rarely both sides.  Le sigh. 
• 21.25 lbs.  PORKER.  'Nuff said.
• We had to get a bigger non-infant carseat.  We were able to afford 1 cheap one.  For Christmas my mom got us a Britax convertible to 65 lbs model.  Yay!  We couldn't have put out the money for that right now.  I can't believe he is this big!
• Dec 4 begins my new shift (we "realign" every 6 months).  I am keeping the 5:50-2:20 shift, but different days off because I liked the supervisor better.  While this shift means more time with P (which is why I do it), I am exhausted, I have no time alone with Hubby as I go to bed with P, and I dream of a "normal" schedule some day.  But this works best from a Mommy perspective.  And that is what matters. 
• I am trying to make as many gifts as possible this year....and it is STILL too much money :-(  Le sigh.  But, I like doing it this way.  I feel a sense of accomplishment.  Hubby has pretty much no input, but then again, he doesn't usually. 
• P is either teething or getting an ear infection.  I'm afraid to wait until Monday if it turns out it is an ear infection.  Sitter thinks teething.  Looks like we are leaning that direction. I'm not ready for teething.  I want goofy toothless grins forever.  Shit, I'll get him dentures so he can eat food.  He is growing up too fast.  I need time to JUST. SLOW. DOWN.
• One day I will get fired for telling a customer to shut the fuck up.  I am THISCLOSE.

Holiday Cards!

This year I get to be that person who takes a family photo, puts it on a cute card, and mails it to everyone.  Kind of a dream come true!

Now I have to choose which one!  I will be going with Shutterfly this season.  They have soooo many to choose from! 

I don't do religious, and am trying to avoid specific Christmas ones, so here are some of the ones I am considering.


Nice and simple, right?


I like this because it is all-encompassing!


Very generic...lots of photo ops!


This is sooooo me!  Very tempting.

I could go on for ages.  There are folding cards, stationary cards, and the ones I showed.  I like these because I don't have to do much.  Yes, I'm lazy.  Not gonna lie.  No, I'm busy.  Yeah, that sounds better.

I think I may choose 2...

As part of our Holiday gift-giving rules, we try to stick to simple.  As well as things based on a Christmas poem Sister found that allows for giving something in each of the 4 categories: Need, Eat, Play, Read.  In that spirit, I think I may do one of these for a couple people for play.

OR cards.  And for need?  Well, hey, I have a number of cooks in the family...I think they NEED one of these: a personalized apron!

Shutterfly has TONS of personalized photo gifts. 

Yes, I am shamelessly showing off my kid to everyone.  So mayhaps they need one of these?

 

Yeah.  There is a lot to choose from.  In fact, I am a little overwhelmed.  So I'm off to peruse the cards listed as specifically Holiday Cards to get myself into more trouble. 

Check 'em out guys.  Plenty to choose from.  Happy Holiday Shopping!

**I was compensated 25 cards for this review, but all opinions and statements are mine alone. 

When The Meanings Change

You know how I know my life has changed?  When the following things have ENTIRELY different meanings.

• "I squirted."  No, this does not mean an amazing orgasm.  It means I squirted milk from a boob, either into P's mouth to get his attention, or across the room because it freaks Hubby out.
• "I'm coming, OMG I'm coming."  Also not an amazing orgasm.  This is me when P is screaming and I am across the room.  In fact, it is this very thing that led to the 6 weeks in a walking cast.  Yeeeeaaaahhhh.
• "Slippery when wet."  Not my girly bits.  Oh, no.  This is a wet baby in the bath.  When alone, this becomes a serious hazard. 
• "Don't give me a hickey!"  Said to P when he misses the nipple and gets something else.  Can't remember the last time I said that to Hubby. 
• "I can't remember the last time someone sucked on my lip like that."  Again, not Hubby.  P giving me a very enthusiastic kiss.  Also led to aforementioned hickey. 
• "Eww, there is sticky white stuff on my pants."  Spit up, that is.  On my crotch.  Nice aim, kiddo.  Occasionally also dripping down my chest into my bra. 
• "OMG that's an erection!"  This was not a pleasant surprise awaiting me in bed.  This was P's reaction to his first full bath in the bathtub.  While I was with him.  That was a new and interesting experience!  Boys are fun. 

Are you seeing a trend here?  Yup, my life has DEFINITELY changed. 

And I love it.  Every wet, sticky, squirting moment.

Ten On Tuesday: FNL Leftovers

1. I swear I get more done around the house when Hubby ISN'T home.  He likes to chill.  I want the house to not be a disaster.  This is a problem.  We need to discuss a plan for work/play at home.
2. As of right now, I have spoken to the LL about possibly moving into a smaller place of his so that we are not delinquent in rent.  Earliest is a couple months out.  Hubby seems to be in denial. I think it's the best choice.  Which means we REALLY need to bust ass and start cleaning up, organizing, etc.  And STEAM CLEANING.  Yeah.  Puking animals.  Sigh. 
3. Still no job for the Hubs.  He is applying multiple places every day.  So freaking hard.  And scary.
4. As I am sick this week the whole crib thing has been momentarily abandoned.  But I need to go back to it.  Maybe.  How do I get him to sleep through the night without CIO method?  Or do I just give up and admit that my kid likes to eat round the clock even if he doesn't need to?  Help???  Please????
5. I'm really not certain Baby 2.0 will ever happen.  Nor am I certain we can handle it if it does.  I mean seriously, daycare, exhaustion, sucky time management...and then I remember the vision I have of P playing with a younger sibling.  I hate this.  Right now...things are just grim.  Not trying to be a Debbie Downer...just trying to figure out our lives.
6. I found our WTE The First Year book.  I started reading.  And then promptly freaked out, decided P was going to need physical therapy and that he is woefully behind, hit up Dr. Twitter, and have decided to never open that book again.  He will do things when he is ready. 
7. I have been reading this book about a "free" school in England, which was a radical thing back in the day.  If you omit the parts about homosexuality (outdated viewpoint), he has some really interesting things to say.  It seems there are newer editions of this, and I should read one of them to see what they are doing in say, the most recent decade, instead of 1960.  But, this is part of what is causing my bipolar parenting issues.  He believes in rearing what he calls "free" children.  Meaning let them develop at their own pace.  No imposing one's own morals, etc.  Too much to explain here.  Anyway, point being, much of what he says is what I believe.  Unfortunately, too much outside influence makes me think I have lost my mind and SHOULD (didn't I write a post about this evil word???) crib train, etc.  This school and man are where the phrase "Free To Be Me" really originated.  He is worth a look for those of you alternative mamas and daddys. 
8. So, based on that theory, he WILL sleep through the night WHEN HE IS READY.  Right?  I hope?  Please????
9. We had a snowstorm over the weekend for those who were unaware of the freakish Halloween weather.  It was wet and nasty and many many people are still without power.  But I took some fun photos which I will post once I get a chance!!!
10. I swear Pg people at my company follow me.  I always end up on a team full of preggos.  BUT it makes it easier that the one who sits next to me is a fellow RMA of PA grad.  I am happy for her. 

This post was supposed to be my FNL post...but I was miserably sick and didn't get it posted.  So you get it today.  MUAH HAHAHA. 

Go check out pics from my adorable kid playing with pumpkin seeds yesterday.  Seriously will make you smile.  Happy November!