Wednesday, October 5, 2011

PYHO: Empty Bed, Empty Arms

For 6 months, my son has either been next to the bed in his cradle or in bed with us. Recently he outgrew the cradle, so he has just been in bed with us.  Between me, Hubby, the dog, and P, our queen-sized bed has been a rather crowded cozy place. 

Hubby left 10 days ago.  Cue a large empty space in the bed. Then again, I wasn't getting regularly punched in the face, and the dog had space to himself.  I started sleeping in Hubby's space. 

I spent Saturday night at my mom's.  She took baby duty overnight so I could get my first real night of sleep since...oh, sometime early 2010.  I tossed and turned, and when I heard him cry, it took a lot for me not to hop up and go take care of him.  But, I slept.  And you know what????  So did he!  Woke up after 3 hours, then slept 4 hours, whimpered, and back to sleep for 2 more.  What??????  This is not something he EVER does for me.  E  V  E  R.

After discussing this on FB and Twitter with my mommy friends, the conclusion is that my sound is a bloodhound, smells me when he's next to me, and wants to nurse.  Even if he doesn't NEED to.  So our lack of sleep is because he loves me so much.  This breaks my heart.  And it taught me I have to let go...

Starting Monday night, the night before 4 am wake-up for the new schedule, I put him to bed in his crib.  And he stayed asleep for 3-4 hours, and then again until I got him up to leave.  I am now getting 3.5 hours of sleep at a time.  1 overnight feeding. 

My little boy is growing up already, and I am having to sever that apron spring way earlier than I wanted.    I can't look over and see my baby.  I can't reach out, put my hand on his chest, and let his breathing lull me to sleep.  I don't wake up to his little sleepy grin when he sees his Mama for the first time in the morning.

Yes, I get a little more sleep in the deal.

But my bed is empty. And my arms are empty. And my heart aches.


  1. Ah know it's the right thing. It'll get easier and you are beign a great mam to him!

  2. That beginning of separation can be so hard for moms. I remember those days, having to give up night time snuggles.

    (visiting via PYHO)

  3. Petite has always slept in her own bed, but it certainly didn't help her sleep through the night! She only recently started doing that, just before she turned 2 in fact. However, lately, she's wanted to FALL ASLEEP in "Mommy room." For awhile, I let her. (She got used to sleeping with me when I took her to my parents' for a vacation in August). But letting her fall asleep in my bed is killing us. I lie down next to her. But all she does is fiddle around, toss and turn, play, kick her legs in the air, sing to herself, ANYTHING to actually avoid going to sleep.

    Enough. Last night I put her back in her room to go to bed. She cried. She hollered. She screamed for Daddy (who is working nights BTW). I went in to comfort and soothe her twice. Eventually she turned over, hugged her Pooh Bear and fell asleep in her own bed. Definitely a feat. A step in the right direction.

    I have to continue this; but damn, it's hard. I WANT her to go to sleep in my bed. I WANT to cuddle with her. I WANT to snuggle the soft hair at the base of her neck. I WANT to stroke her cheek and God knows, I love every moment that I get to do that. But for her sleep, for MY sleep and for all of us, I know she needs to be in her bed. Knowing it in my head though doesn't stop my heart from breaking when I put her down. It sucks. But it is the right thing to do. Many hugs to you as you navigate the first of many moments of 'letting go.'

  4. Aw! :(

    I'm not a mom myself, so I have a hard time relating, but I applaud you for doing what's best for your son, even though it's not ideal for you!


  5. I know how you feel. I get better sleep, but oh how I miss there little warm bodies.

  6. You are doing the best thing, but I know it is SO hard!

  7. When I was nursing, I definitely got a lot more sleep when the baby was in a different room. Otherwise, my boys would just nurse all night long.


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