Photo Friday, Who Am I?

First off, Happy Friday! This morning I stumbled across a Happy Thing: Photo Friday at Creating Motherhood. And so I shall be participating. This week's theme? Cooking and Beverages. Sadly, as I'm just joining, I was ill-prepared, so I'm just using Food as a theme. So here is DH eating ice cream for breakfast :) Silly man.

Secondly, I've been pondering doing a "Who Am I?" after seeing several of them on other sites during ICLW. It's been a rough week, so I'm just cramming it into today's post since I'm feeling semi-human this morning and would like to share. So here goes...(in no particular order):

1. I am a free spirit.

2. I am a daughter.

3. I am a big sister to 3 wonderful young women.

4. I am an aunt to my husbands 3 nieces and 2 nephews.

5. I am affected by anxiety and depression.

6. I am polyamorous - I have an open marriage.

7. I am a photographer...or I like to think I am. It's a matter of opinion. (This morning's pic does NOT count. LOL)

8. I am an infertile.

9. I am a friend.

10. I am an adrenaline junkie.

11. I am a music lover.

12. I am a book lover.

13. I am a pagan - my spirituality lies in the natural world.

14. I am a blogger - good or bad, I don't know...it's for me.

15. I am a crocheter.

16. I am a mother - if you count furbabies.

17. I am a cross between hippy and punk.

Maybe that sums me up, maybe it doesn't. I'm sure I could come up with more, but that's a good start. Now that I've figured out how to put photos in here, I hope to post more :) I always enjoy seeing others'.

I think the meds are starting to work. I watched UP last night and didn't break down. This is a miracle for someone like me who cries from the beauty of cotton commercials. I seem to be numb. There have been a number of BFP's this week all over Blog Land, and I took them in stride. So, yes, I think the meds are starting to do their job. The numbness is strange, but if that's what it takes to get me through this, then so be it.

Oh! DH and I have been subpoena'd to testify at the hearing for Drunk Mom in a few weeks. So, we continue to be part of that. I think that night is the straw that broke the camel's back with regards to my sanity....maybe the hearing will help turn it all around.

Peace out and have a great weekend!

Leave of Absence and other things

First the good news: Saline Sonogram went well. No pain, no polyps, no fibroids. Pretty little uterus. I didn't believe her. I asked 3 times to make sure, and then I cried. And couldn't stop crying. For hours.

I went to work and went straight to HR. I'm now on a 2 week LOA until the meds do their job. Doctor made me. And upped my dosage. So now I have 2 weeks to get myself sane.

I'm trying NOT to worry about the financial setback of this leave when we were just sort of getting on track. But I couldn't work. I just finally broke yesterday. I feel weak. Weak for not being able to handle everything, for having to admit I need help. For being a drain on my friendships. I hope this helps....

ICLW comes to an end today...I've read amazing stories, and seen a large number of BFPs here and on The Bump. The What IF project blew my mind. So many amazing ones, but my favorite by far was done by Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed. I hope you all got a chance to read some of these amazing stories.

What a week. And I've spent a lot of time contemplating our journey, as evidenced by my previous post. Today a friend wrote this to me:

"Don't let this life set back define you. There's far more to you than this set back. You are a beautiful animal. Sexy. Inspiring. Full of powerful energy when you harness it right."

I nearly wept. What pick me up on a day when I'm facing 2 weeks of nothing productive to do except baby myself and get myself healthy. Which aren't bad....just....weird.

Does IF totally define me? No. But has it become a large part of me, and does it change who I am forever? Yes...absolutely. There is no way around that.

What IF....

What IF we really aren't meant to have a child, to hold that child in our arms, right out of the womb?

This is my fear. 30 years ago, where we are right now in the process, we would have been out of options. We said when we started this process that if we needed IVF that we wouldn't do it, because that meant to us it wasn't meant to be. But we're making the preparations. But what if....

What if it's time to call it quits? What if I've gotten to the point where I no longer know WHY I want a child, if the roadblocks and hurdles are only bringing out my stubborn streak, causing me to pursue something that really isn't supposed to happen.

I struggle with our decision to pursue IVF every day. I wonder if it is the right thing to do. Ethically. Emotionally. For my life. Perhaps there really is a reason we are here. Perhaps we really are meant to just help other children who need a good home. Perhaps we are meant to just be great aunts and uncles. Perhaps whatever power is out there has different plans. Do I believe that? I don't even know anymore. "There's a reason for everything". Are we just fighting that reason?

What if we should just draw the line, grieve, and move on. Make that appointment at the foster agency, and help children whose parents could not be there for them. What if that is our calling in life? Can we move on and deal with that? I honestly don't know. What do I know? I know that whatever happens, we are considering fostering. I know that I was put on Earth to do some good, do something meaningful, to change someone's life if I can. Maybe IF is the bright, blinking arrow pointing me in that direction. Maybe all of this pain and sorrow is to prepare me to help children who have been through more than most of us can imagine. Maybe I need to consider that possibility.

What if Infertility is the powers that be telling me that this is my opportunity to do something amazing and wonderful for the world, or even just a small slice of it?

Note: This post was completed as part of the "What IF?" project in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week. Remember- Infertility Hurts!

You can find out more information about infertility here:www.resolve.org/infertility101 and this url giving the background of National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW):www.resolve.org/takecharge. Also, you can find out more information about the What IF? project here- http://www.stirrup-queens.com/2010/04/bloggers-unite-project-if/.

Bad Blogger

I totally missed a day of ICLW while recovering yesterday from a wicked hangover induced by a full night (I'm talking 8 straight hours) of drinking with a friend. It was intended to be my last crazy night before giving up drinking completely in prep for IVF.

I'm pretty sure it did it's job. I am so off the juice. LOL. She double-dog-dared me to run around naked in the rain. So I did. What am I, a college girl? I'm 32! And then I posted it on FB and my MIL saw it. Oh, dear. Go me.

So, the drinking is out of my system and I'm on the wagon. Sad I missed a day of ICLW, but I'm trying to make up for it this morning. I had 14 comments to publish!!! I feel so loved!

"Privacy"

I was talking to a friend last night about the dildo-cam and the joy of any visit to an RE, or OB/GYN. We had a good laugh about the "privacy" thing. And the irony of it. Meaning?

When you have any of these appointments, they take you to your room, hand you a paper-thin gown that will inevitably end up not covering much of you anyway, and then allow you to change in privacy...why is this?

As soon as they come back in the room, you will have to spread your legs, the world will see your every girly part, and if it's a yearly, your top comes off as well. So why the modesty of being allowed to change with no one in the room? They're going to see it all anyway! Not to mention touch, examine, and otherwise abuse you.

Not only that, but for many of us, those appointments end with us in tears in our half-dressed state, all dignity out the window. So, is the idea to allow you those 2 minutes of dignity before ripping it all away from you? It seems sort of ridiculous. We've lost all modesty. It's gone.

Seriously, let's just be honest, get down to business, and recognize that you, my dear RE or whoever, is going to see all of it. Just let me strip then and there. That will save us all time and the silliness of pretending there is any sort of privacy or modesty or secrets. I'd prefer it that way. It's not like we don't see the monitor and dildo-cam staring us right in the face the second we walk in the room anyway. So bring it on, no tip-toeing. Let's be real about this.

Update on Drunk Mom

DH's cell phone rang at 7 am (ugh....7 am....perhaps the half of a large bottle of wine last night was a bad idea) and it was the police officer who pulled over that woman the other night. What we now know:
1. She was very uncooperative and belligerent when she was pulled over.

2. The kids were released to their grandmother and are apparently okay.

3. They want to bring child endangerment charges against her.

DH and I both have to provide written statements to the police for them to take to the DA since we witnessed it. So, the saga continues. If I find out any more information, I'll be sure to update.

In other news, with the aid of aforementioned bottle of wine, I successfully hung out with my Pg friend and her hubby last night here at my house (safe non-baby room territory). Baby steps....ha! Baby steps. Nice choice of words, right? But it went alright. We avoided all talk of baby in belly. It's a start. I'm trying. I'm also hungover....ugh.

Also, quite enjoying my first ICLW :) Need more hours in the day to keep up with it all, though! Blogging has become a part-time job. If DH can't find me, he knows I MUST be on the computer in IF Blog Land where I spend so much of my time now. Love all of you ladies. Happy Friday.

There really are some things that are not fair

DH and I just called 911 to report a drunk woman we saw get in the car with her 2 children. Head on the steering wheel could barely walk drunk. I ran 5 blocks in shoes too big to try and follow her so we could tell the cops where she was. They got her.

And now I worry what this will do to her kids....but we couldn't let them get hurt.

She looked considerably younger than me, and those kids were not toddlers. So yes, I'm thinking "It's not fair" right now. Because we can't get pregnant and someone that obviously irresponsible not only did, but did twice, and is driving around with her kids when so drunk she can barely walk.

Things happen for a reason, people tell me that all the time. Tell me that reason, please. Tell me why that's okay, why THAT has a reason, and I'm here trying not to isolate myself from my friends because I can't have kids even though I would love them and cherish them and not intentionally put them in harm's way. Where's the reason in that? Huh? Someone please tell me...