10 On Tuesday

Thought I would give this a shot!

My new favorite photo of Peanut.  He makes
so many crazy faces, LOL. 

1. I want to thank you all for your incredibly kind words yesterday.  They meant sooooo much to me!  
2. I cried the whole way to work this morning, and then had a panic attack, but managed to not totally freak out in front of anyone.  Breathing is good.  Focusing on one task at a time is also helpful.
3. First day back consisted of:  Meeting for 2 hours.  HR meeting for 20 minutes.  Pumping for 25 minutes (counting set up and cleanup).  Put desk together.  Got OOH'd (means Out Of Here - when we are slow we have the option of leaving early.  We can't afford it, but today I couldn't NOT see my baby).  I was at work 3  hours, out of the house 4.5.  
4. I have discovered why people have so many baby socks - they come off, get lost, the washer/dryer eats them...you get the idea.  
5. Multiple people said to me today: "Wow!  You've already lost all the weight!" Nope, still 30 lbs heavier than I was, but I was REALLY skinny, and apparently no one remembers that, LOL.  I guess that means I look good!
6. Our yard has been under a renovation the past week, and will hopefully be finished up this week.  I'm so excited!  It's starting to look good.  Still needs to be re-seeded, the fence finished, and I need to do some planting.  Pictures at some point.  
7. Peanut cooed, sort of, this week.  Though it's not frequent.  I really wonder how the preemie thing will affect his development.  Hard to tell yet, really.
8. I joined Twitter!  Yup, I succumbed and can now be found on there.  @Attila_Hippie.  
9. For those that want to know, the name stems from a day when I was working in CA at the camp, and the county sheriff was there.  He asked me for a styrofoam cup to take some coffee and I gave him hell about the horrors of styrofoam and informed him that we didn't have any but that he was welcome to one of our plastic containers if he promised to recycle it.  A friend walked by just then and said, "Oh, I see you've met Attila the Hippie."  It kinda stuck.
10. This feels much like Friday Night Leftovers.  Not sure I can do 2 of these posts a week.  Hmmm.  Must consider.

The Things I Fear

First of all, I want to apologize for being MIA this last week.  It was my last week of Mat Leave, and I couldn't bear to do anything but hold my bubba and ignore the world.  Once I get settled into a work routine (back tomorrow!  Ack!  I can't do it!) then I will be back to reading.  But comments may be sporadic as I try to keep up.  I just have to get it all sorted out.

My anxiety has been lurking since Peanut came home.  For me, I'm doing remarkably well.  Seriously.  It's amazing I haven't completely flipped.  I think he brings me peace.  But I feel it lurking, stalking me, just under the surface of sanity.

It's there every time I carry him up or down the stairs (more so down) - if I fall (which I do a lot) will I remember to save him and not me?

It's there every time I drive, with or without him.  It scares me.  Horrific scenes fill my head.  Sometimes I consider never leaving the house, but that's irrational.

And so many other things.  But it's stayed at lurk phase, because I have been at peace.  Until the last few days.

I go back to work tomorrow.  And he starts daycare on Wednesday.  Hubby is going to have to take him from me because no way in the world am I voluntarily giving him up.

This brings up a whole new crop of crazy thoughts, and the tears have started.  And I have no emergency meds.  Ack.  Mantra: I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.

• What if he smiles first for someone at daycare?  This is NOT okay!  
• What if he cries all day and they can't comfort him?  What if they can comfort him better than I can?
• What if he is so worn out by daycare that he only sleeps at home and I never really get to see him?  
• What if I miss something?  

This is just the baby stuff.  Nevermind the work stuff.  No, I'll share that, too.

• What if they don't catch me up on everything - so much has changed!
• What if I suck so badly these days that I get fired?  (Oh, wait, that might be a good thing...)
• What if I cry all damn day?  

You know what, let's put it all out on the plate.  Why not.

• What if I never get my sex drive back?  This weighs on my mind heavily, as I feel bad for Hubby, but if he tries to do anything but hug me or a quick kiss my body revolts.  Starts sending panic signals and I have to squirm away.  He seems to understand, but I feel terrible about it.  

So, yeah, basket case me is back.  Getting meds next week.  For emergencies.  I can't be a nutcase.  I can't.  

Wish me luck this week.  

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it....

Love For The Ladies

I want to wish all of you a Happy Mother's Day.

Whether you are cycling, breaking, waiting.

Whether you hold a babe or 3 in arms, have Angel Babies, adopted babies, babes on the way, or babes in your dreams.

Whether your babies have fur, feathers, or fins.

You are ALL mommies in my eyes.  And you are all celebrated.  I love you.

Happy Mother's Day.

Friday Night Leftovers: Really? 6 Weeks? Almost 7?

• Really?   I have a nearly 7 week old baby?  How did that happen?
• Holy crap, I have to go back to the evil, not so guaranteed job in 10 days!  Putting it out of my mind...ho hum, maybe it will just go away if I stop thinking about it.
• Hubby's makeover!  Fran requested a photo!     There he is!!  His hair, you've seen from previous photos, is grey, like silvery grey.  Genetic predisposition.  He looks like a young buck now!
• 6 week post partum checkup: All is well, nookie allowed....ummm, if you find my mojo, could you send it back to me?  Using nyastatin cream on my nips as well as the meds for Peanut...we will win this battle against thrush!  I asked about future pregnancies (dreaming big here) and "the plan" is progesterone supplements throughout pregnancy.  Really?  That's it?  Sigh.  I guess we shall see how things go.  May not even get there.
• Saw Dr. Head Monday as well.  I officially have carpal tunnel, which I have thought since about 3 days after bringing home Peanut.  It has improved, but I am now trying to remember wrist braces, and praying it doesn't get worse again when I go back to work.  Luckily it is more annoying than painful.  Also finally waging an all out blitz on the anemia.  Iron infusions, 3 to be exact, begin Monday.  4 hours hooked up to an IV while holding baby and praying he is calm.  Good times.
• I tried putting on my "fat" pants from pre-pregnancy the other day.  HAHAHAHA.  Didn't come up over my thighs.  Hmmmm.
• Peanut has some sort of irritation of his circumcision scar...I rushed him to the doctor Wednesday to have it checked out, where of course, the swelling had gone down.  We had given him a bath, which did the trick.  Sooooo, warm compresses it is, and neosporin.  
• Since we were at the doc, they weighed him....drumroll please!

HE HAS PUT ON 14 OZ IN 2 WEEKS!  Booya!  He should hit 6 lbs any second now :)

• The Moby Wrap is the best invention EVER!  
• The meat cravings I had all pregnancy have disappeared entirely.  Blech.  
• We have some serious financial decisions to make.  I hate money.
• I have given up on Peanut sleeping in his cradle more than half the night.  And you know what?  I'm okay with it.  Because his little warm body makes me happier than a pig in shit.  His funny sleep breathing makes me grin like the damn Cheshire cat.  So be it.  
• We purchased a nice big box of barely used cloth diapers from Gil, including BumGenius pocket diapers, some really fun all-in-ones, and a handful of prefolds.  Today we received the gDiaper Bundle For Newborns, and with that, we are READY TO ROLL.  Most of what Gil sent us is one size, so can be used for ages.  The gDiapers will have to be updated as Peanut moves up sizes, but it's all bueno.  He is big enough to get started! And I am super excited.  Stay tuned for reviews!  
• Speaking of which, before Peanut arrived, we purchased Seventh Generation newborn diapers to be used the first few weeks of life.  We didn't even use them until last week, LOL.  Anyway, the tabs are a bit difficult to undo to fasten in the front, which is a bit frustrating when baby is screaming and rolling around.  However, that is so bearable because these diapers hold an amazing amount of fluid.  Like, all night's worth.  When your child pees 12 times a day, that is pretty damn cool.  2 thumbs up.  
• Moby Wrap = Best. Thing. Ever.
• Whilst wearing wrap, I was chowing on funnel cake this evening, and ended up having to lick powdered sugar off Peanut's head and face, LOL.  
• We picked good sperm.  Tonight, Pixie's mom and boyfriend, who apparently don't remember that we had to use donor sperm, remarked that Peanut looks JUST LIKE DADDY :-)  Made him super happy.  Which makes me happy :-)

Marketing Genius

Have you seen this Ko.tex video?  Because it cracks me the hell up.  Why on earth do I want neon colored tampons or pads?  Seriously?  To advertise that I am on the rag?  Right...I open my big fat mouth enough.  So they are easier to find in a bag or purse?  Well, shit, make 'em glow in the dark then...those I would buy!

But you know what would REALLY sell?  (And I actually posted something on FB about this.)

Pads and tampons with built-in vibrators.

Can you imagine the sales spike????

There are some kinks to work out.  You know, the additional landfill material, and all those batteries going into them.  Because I'm not such a fan of extra garbage.  But man, work would be so much more entertaining!  And we'd be happy!  A lot!  AF would be welcomed, or at least tolerated...

I'm just sayin'.  It's worth a thought...

It is right up there with the invention of the vibrate setting on a cell phone.

Epiphany

I hate my job.  This is not the epiphany.  That fact will likely not change any time soon.  It is a job only, a means to an end, and I am lucky to have it, and blessed in so many other things, that it simply doesn't matter as much.  This is not to say that I am not dreading going back.  This job may even be gone in a year, but that's another post.

Coming to peace with that is the epiphany. 

A couple weeks ago I was chatting with a work friend on FB, and he mentioned that he finally realized he could chase a dream and not be stuck in a job that sucks the life out of him.  So he is taking those steps, and I am quite proud of him.  My circumstances are different; I really am stuck there for the time being.  And that's when it hit me...

I have NO room to complain.  Because while that JOB is certainly not my dream, I have been so, so blessed in my life.  I tend to focus on all that I have not done that I wanted to, that I'm not living where I want, that I'm not doing something in my work that I feel is making a difference.  But I forget a very important thing.  Three things, to be exact.

I have had the opportunity to make 3 of my dreams come true.  2 briefly, and 1, Fate willing, not at all briefly.  Many people never even get to see one of their dreams come to fruition. 

I dreamed of joining the Peace Corps and going to Africa (actually, that might even count as 2 separate ones, therefore bringing the total to 4), and I made it happen.  I did it.  I lived my dream.  It didn't work out how I had hoped, and I dream of going back, of showing that place to my son, my husband, feeling that African sun on my face again.  But I did it.  Me.  Little ol' me.  That in and of itself is fairly amazing. 

I found work after a time that I truly enjoyed and believed in.  And I had 2 wonderful years there, teaching Environmental Science and team building to city kids in the beautiful mountains of Southern California.  I got to spend my days outside, in the beautiful world, sharing my love of that with hundreds of children.  I loved getting up every day, looked forward to each group of kids, and believed very strongly that I was making a difference, and I did make a difference.  Again, circumstances ended that run of perfection for me, but that I got to do it at all is awesome.  Do I dream of having an opportunity like that again?  Absolutely!  Should that negate the fact that I had it in the first place?  Nope.  I am a lucky woman.

And then...the biggest fight of my life for a dream...a child.  As far as fights go in our community, mine was fairly easy, though it doesn't feel like it.  But that doesn't matter.  Because I am holding this amazing child in my arms, and I will NEVER take him for granted.  Do I wish we could just go out and make another one the easy way?  Yup.  The pain of IF won't dissipate - not while we wish for a 2nd child.  But we got one, and we are so blessed to have him, to have had the chance to try for him, and to have received this gift of life.  He is my chance to make a difference, to teach again, to share the world with him.  To have made it to here...I can't believe our luck.

It was a hell of an epiphany.  I count my blessings every day.

9 Years, 7 Months, 20 Days

That's how long since 9/11 according to some woman on the news.  I don't know if that is today or yesterday.  Either way, today or I guess yesterday, is the day the world will remember as the day Osama bin Laden was killed.

Assassinated?

I am going to be honest...say things that may seem...unpatriotic.  But someone once said, "Love your country always, love your government when they deserve it" or something to that effect.

Saddam got a trial.  Hitler would have.  They say he refused to surrender and had to be killed.  I really hope that is true.  Bad guy or not...a trial would have been nice.

I am quite honestly a little put off by the absolute joy and mirth being exhibited by people over someone's DEATH.  I know what he did.  I will never forget that day.  He did a horrid, horrid thing.

But I also believe in democracy, and I don't think death resolves death.   They show what is being called "the kill site" on the news.  Covered in blood.  They confirmed his identity with DNA saved from his sister's BRAIN.  She died here in the USA and they "took custody of her brain" for just this purpose.  What, a vial of blood wouldn't do?

I just don't kow.  Perhaps the extremists who planned 9/11 celebrated at the death of all the people in the towers; perhaps terrorists cheer every time they blow people up.

 But if we are cheering about death ourselves, what does that make us?