I hate my job. This is not the epiphany. That fact will likely not change any time soon. It is a job only, a means to an end, and I am lucky to have it, and blessed in so many other things, that it simply doesn't matter as much. This is not to say that I am not dreading going back. This job may even be gone in a year, but that's another post.
Coming to peace with that is the epiphany.
A couple weeks ago I was chatting with a work friend on FB, and he mentioned that he finally realized he could chase a dream and not be stuck in a job that sucks the life out of him. So he is taking those steps, and I am quite proud of him. My circumstances are different; I really am stuck there for the time being. And that's when it hit me...
I have NO room to complain. Because while that JOB is certainly not my dream, I have been so, so blessed in my life. I tend to focus on all that I have not done that I wanted to, that I'm not living where I want, that I'm not doing something in my work that I feel is making a difference. But I forget a very important thing. Three things, to be exact.
I have had the opportunity to make 3 of my dreams come true. 2 briefly, and 1, Fate willing, not at all briefly. Many people never even get to see one of their dreams come to fruition.
I dreamed of joining the Peace Corps and going to Africa (actually, that might even count as 2 separate ones, therefore bringing the total to 4), and I made it happen. I did it. I lived my dream. It didn't work out how I had hoped, and I dream of going back, of showing that place to my son, my husband, feeling that African sun on my face again. But I did it. Me. Little ol' me. That in and of itself is fairly amazing.
I found work after a time that I truly enjoyed and believed in. And I had 2 wonderful years there, teaching Environmental Science and team building to city kids in the beautiful mountains of Southern California. I got to spend my days outside, in the beautiful world, sharing my love of that with hundreds of children. I loved getting up every day, looked forward to each group of kids, and believed very strongly that I was making a difference, and I did make a difference. Again, circumstances ended that run of perfection for me, but that I got to do it at all is awesome. Do I dream of having an opportunity like that again? Absolutely! Should that negate the fact that I had it in the first place? Nope. I am a lucky woman.
And then...the biggest fight of my life for a dream...a child. As far as fights go in our community, mine was fairly easy, though it doesn't feel like it. But that doesn't matter. Because I am holding this amazing child in my arms, and I will NEVER take him for granted. Do I wish we could just go out and make another one the easy way? Yup. The pain of IF won't dissipate - not while we wish for a 2nd child. But we got one, and we are so blessed to have him, to have had the chance to try for him, and to have received this gift of life. He is my chance to make a difference, to teach again, to share the world with him. To have made it to here...I can't believe our luck.
It was a hell of an epiphany. I count my blessings every day.