My anxiety has been lurking since Peanut came home. For me, I'm doing remarkably well. Seriously. It's amazing I haven't completely flipped. I think he brings me peace. But I feel it lurking, stalking me, just under the surface of sanity.
It's there every time I carry him up or down the stairs (more so down) - if I fall (which I do a lot) will I remember to save him and not me?
It's there every time I drive, with or without him. It scares me. Horrific scenes fill my head. Sometimes I consider never leaving the house, but that's irrational.
And so many other things. But it's stayed at lurk phase, because I have been at peace. Until the last few days.
I go back to work tomorrow. And he starts daycare on Wednesday. Hubby is going to have to take him from me because no way in the world am I voluntarily giving him up.
This brings up a whole new crop of crazy thoughts, and the tears have started. And I have no emergency meds. Ack. Mantra: I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.
- What if he smiles first for someone at daycare? This is NOT okay!
- What if he cries all day and they can't comfort him? What if they can comfort him better than I can?
- What if he is so worn out by daycare that he only sleeps at home and I never really get to see him?
- What if I miss something?
This is just the baby stuff. Nevermind the work stuff. No, I'll share that, too.
- What if they don't catch me up on everything - so much has changed!
- What if I suck so badly these days that I get fired? (Oh, wait, that might be a good thing...)
- What if I cry all damn day?
You know what, let's put it all out on the plate. Why not.
- What if I never get my sex drive back? This weighs on my mind heavily, as I feel bad for Hubby, but if he tries to do anything but hug me or a quick kiss my body revolts. Starts sending panic signals and I have to squirm away. He seems to understand, but I feel terrible about it.
So, yeah, basket case me is back. Getting meds next week. For emergencies. I can't be a nutcase. I can't.
Wish me luck this week.
I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it....