Monday, May 16, 2011

The Things I Fear

First of all, I want to apologize for being MIA this last week.  It was my last week of Mat Leave, and I couldn't bear to do anything but hold my bubba and ignore the world.  Once I get settled into a work routine (back tomorrow!  Ack!  I can't do it!) then I will be back to reading.  But comments may be sporadic as I try to keep up.  I just have to get it all sorted out.

My anxiety has been lurking since Peanut came home.  For me, I'm doing remarkably well.  Seriously.  It's amazing I haven't completely flipped.  I think he brings me peace.  But I feel it lurking, stalking me, just under the surface of sanity.

It's there every time I carry him up or down the stairs (more so down) - if I fall (which I do a lot) will I remember to save him and not me?

It's there every time I drive, with or without him.  It scares me.  Horrific scenes fill my head.  Sometimes I consider never leaving the house, but that's irrational.

And so many other things.  But it's stayed at lurk phase, because I have been at peace.  Until the last few days.

I go back to work tomorrow.  And he starts daycare on Wednesday.  Hubby is going to have to take him from me because no way in the world am I voluntarily giving him up.

This brings up a whole new crop of crazy thoughts, and the tears have started.  And I have no emergency meds.  Ack.  Mantra: I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.

  • What if he smiles first for someone at daycare?  This is NOT okay!  
  • What if he cries all day and they can't comfort him?  What if they can comfort him better than I can?
  • What if he is so worn out by daycare that he only sleeps at home and I never really get to see him?  
  • What if I miss something?  

This is just the baby stuff.  Nevermind the work stuff.  No, I'll share that, too.

  • What if they don't catch me up on everything - so much has changed!
  • What if I suck so badly these days that I get fired?  (Oh, wait, that might be a good thing...)
  • What if I cry all damn day?  
You know what, let's put it all out on the plate.  Why not.
  • What if I never get my sex drive back?  This weighs on my mind heavily, as I feel bad for Hubby, but if he tries to do anything but hug me or a quick kiss my body revolts.  Starts sending panic signals and I have to squirm away.  He seems to understand, but I feel terrible about it.  
So, yeah, basket case me is back.  Getting meds next week.  For emergencies.  I can't be a nutcase.  I can't.  

Wish me luck this week.  

I can do it. I can do it. I can do it. I can do it....


  1. Sweetie I can only reassure you on your sex drive. It WILL come back. And in full force! Dreams and all ;o)

    And of course you can do it. You know often the fear of what is ahead is worse than what actually is ahead. Much love, and your Peanut is so so huggable!

  2. good luck!!! You CAN do this. :) :)

  3. I'm a lurker, but I had to respond to this because I just went through returning back to work after mat leave.

    You can do it. You will probably cry the majority of the first day, if not the first few days. It is normal and will be okay. Have someone that you can call and just sob to. It helps. Every time I pumped the first week I would use the time to cry.

    They wont let him cry all day and they won't be better at soothing him. He can tell you are his mommy and he will be so excited to see you.

    Getting back in the groove at work will take a few weeks. It took me a good 3 weeks to feel that I could handle being a mom, a wife and an employee. Give yourself time.

    As for your drive you are bf it may be awhile, but that too should return.

    Hang in there lady and try to just take it one step at a time, sometimes this means one hour at a time and that is okay.

  4. Sending you so much love. I know that anxiety and it sucks.

  5. Oh honey... Many hugs... and much strength for your road ahead...

  6. Anxiety sucks. You'll make it through, just be patient with yourself and take it day by day.

  7. Hang in there, Gen. It will get better. Going back to work is really tough; so is trying to adjust to "normal life" after giving birth. (I think it's completely wrong to even refer to it as "getting back to normal", because you know what? There's no going back to the way things were. You have a whole new "normal"--it just takes a while to figure out exactly what that's going to be.)

    Everything will work out. Just focus on keeping your head above water, and be kind to yourself, and I promise that everything will be okay. One step at a time, hon.

  8. I'm going to encourage you know and I expect I'll likely need the same support & reminder from you in a few months when I'm about to return to work and am a complete emotional anxious mess! Seriously, I think most of us get emotional when it comes time to return to work...just thinking about it during my pregnancy turns my stomach! But with all things once we're into the routine it's usually not nearly as bad as we worked ourselves up to believe it would be and I'm sure this will be the case for returning to work as well. Will be sending you tons of positive thoughts and hope that you feel the inner strength I know you possess!

  9. Well, I fell down the stairs with my daughter...I protected her, instinct kicks in! :) I know I missed things with my daughter...I have a great daycare lady though, she didn't tell me the things that I missed, so I got to see them "first". That did come back to bite her in the bum though, we took the training wheels off of the bike when she was 3 and she already knew how to ride a "2-wheeler". Found out that she was riding bikes with no training wheels at daycare all the time.

  10. oh my gosh, the fears, the anxiety just never end do they? Here I am thinking, i just need to get to 12 weeks. You are a rock star and my hero for battling your anxiety so well for so long. We all do the best we can, and I am inspired that if you can do it, I am going to try to as well. (even though I still carry emergency meds in my purse, and can't imagine letting a prescription run dry).You're doing great.


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