FWARPS

As living creatures we NEED exactly 6 things in life:

Food

Water
Air
Reproduction
Protection (ie. a house, etc)
Space (ie. habitat)
This being said, as humans, we have pushed the boundaries of what nature intended, what biology intended. We eat things that, well, do crazy things to our bodies. We have polluted the planet that gives us all of the things we need. Our water and air are scary. We live in places that really are well beyond what we need, and have not only redefined habitat for ourselves, we have wrecked it for other living creatures. (I am not saying I'm innocent in all of this, just stating facts).

Having said that, reproduction is REALLY where we have changed the original biological needs. In all of the animal kingdom, primates are the only animals that have sex for pleasure. Of those primates, we humans are the only ones who deny general biological needs until the "time is right" for us - we don't procreate until we want (generally speaking). We mature slowly - 12-14 years on average to reach sexual maturity, but most of us do not reproduce at that time. In fact, it's considered taboo in many Western cultures to do so. We defy the innate biological hard-wired push to procreate.

So, what I wonder is, WHY am I so hell-bent on a child? Yes, we wanted children, but at what point did it become this thing that rules my world? That hurts me every day.....the emotions that also evolved with us are really quite contrary to general biological rules. As we evolved, we changed the rules for ourselves. So WHY this drive? Is it the hard-wiring in me? Realistically, in nature, my DNA and DH's DNA were not meant to be continued. Ask Darwin.

In any other grouping of animals, our line would not go on. DH's won't, at least not through him. Mine could, but perhaps there is a reason I'm infertile. We no longer, as a people in "developed" nations, allow nature to take it's course. We have intervened. That's why, initially, DH and I were NOT going to do IVF. If it wasn't meant to be, it wasn't meant to be. So....why are we here? Why are we doing this? If this is really what I believe, why?

Operation Weight Gain: Update 1

Protein shakes didn't work out so well. I made it through one on Thursday, and it took me HOURS. I was dry-heaving and it gave me a migraine. Tried a weaker one yesterday morning, and was over the toilet within 3 sips. Migraine back. Soooooo.....that's obviously not going to work. We are super-broke, so the food I would like to buy to help me out that I think I can get down we can't. IE, nuts 'n stuff. Had a few eggs and bacon left in the fridge this morning, so I'm eating that and hoping it stays put....

It's like a great big evil circle. IF messes with you - I'm all wacked out from stress: depression and anxiety rule my world, making me lose weight and not sleep. Since I am about to start my cycle, I can't take anything for it. Which makes it worse. And yet, I need to be super healthy and NOT stressed to have the best chance for successful IVF. Which is super-stressful on its own. Its a vicious circle, and I haven't figured out yet how to be okay with all of it.

I missed work yesterday....and we REALLY can't afford that! I made a vow to myself that if this cycle doesn't work I am beginning a job hunt. I still want something with benefits, obviously, but something I don't dread going to every day. If it works....well, I'll stick it out for a while.

So, here's hoping I can make myself eat lots....and that I don't lose it at work today. Happy weekend to those of you with normal jobs!

Photo Friday: Unexpected Loves

This is actually a really hard one for me. It all stemmed from a post at Creating Motherhood that I read....this is apparently what triggered this week's theme. Read it...it's fabulous. Because it's all about tangential thinking which is completely the way I think. Someday I shall give you some examples. Anyway, "unexpected loves" is this weeks' theme and I've been trying to think about that all week.

I'm not usually surprised by the things I adore. But there are a few, I guess, so here goes!

1. The desert. I mean, I hardcore love it. Granted, there are some areas that are just bleak, but during most of the seasons, it is full of life, the most unexpected life. I grew up in Green Green Green, and when I left it for Africa, I missed it. I felt like I dried up a bit. Then I came back and didn't feel at home again until I hit the Southwest. So, desert. I crave it. And its variety. This particular photo isn't even the best one I had, but it illustrates the bleakness that most see, but the diversity that I see. Now that I'm back in the land of green I miss the desert (and mountains) so much that I realize now how unexpectedly I fell for it.

1. Crocheting. I was never crafty. Not really. A number of years ago I was working in Southern California at a camp and someone was making a hat. And I had nothing better to do, so I bought a skein of yarn and a hook, and learned. Before I knew it, I was hooked. (Tee hee, pun intended). I learned to read patterns, put together projects, and have created some beautiful gifts. I will be posting more of my work soon. But I despise Martha Stewart, etc. I did not think I would like something so...well, grandma. LOL. But I have my own shelving unit for yarn, bags of projects in various stages, and too many ideas to keep straight. The one above was a birthday present for my sister....messenger bag, lined and all. And when I give these gifts, the personalization of them is special to the receiver, and the obvious work that goes into them. Making someone smile makes me smile. Creating something with my own hands that is beautiful makes me smile. My hands, they ache, but it's worth it.

3. Spicy food and cooking. It was a joke growing up how much I could not cook and how picky I was. Something snapped in college, and all of a sudden I was Julia F'in Childs. I can throw together ANYTHING with what's in your fridge and cupboards. It might be a little strange, but it will taste good. And I can't stand bland anymore. Hot peppers and I are good friends now, very good friends. I have two bunches ("ristras") hanging in my house now - spice = life. I have oodles of cookbooks, but mainly, I make shit up. And for someone who doesn't eat meat, I make some mean meat dishes. I love the smiles, the contentment, the SILENCE caused by the consumption of good food. And I love that I can make that happen.

So there are 3 of my unexpected loves, things that bring me joy, contentment (tho can be a bain of my existence mid-project), and peace.

Operation Weight Gain

Starter note: Remember the pregnancy photos I mentioned? Thought I'd post one, just so you could see what I've done. This was actually my favorite, but not theirs. Poop on them anyway. Thought you might like to see....on to the real news.

So....I bought protein shakes today....I haven't even managed to get a whole one down yet. It's back in the fridge chilling because it was making me dry heave. Blech. Sigh. Whatever it takes. Good news is that the shake completely masks the flavor of the wheatgrass supplement :)

I wanted to get Royal Jelly, but because I have a bee allergy, no go. And I forgot to look for some sort of body cleanse thing, so that's next week. What are some other supplements folks have taken????

Question: when doing IVF did any of you have the PGD test done? It seems our clinic is running a trial, so we would get to participate free of charge. I'm a bit nervous about signing up for it, but have been assured that the benefits outweigh the risks to the embryos. Then again....wouldn't they want you to think that? Just curious about opinions, or if any of you have done it and what the outcome was.....

Oh, and also wondering, since I've mentioned being a super-crochet freak, if you'd be interested in seeing some of my work???

I don't even know where to start

I am missing ICLW this month. Which is probably okay. I didn't really manage it last month. I haven't read anyone else's blog in a month. I can't keep up. So I decided not to do it this month. Just realized it's too late anyway.

I had this whole post planned about how to be an infertile masochist, like a list of steps, because that's what I am. There were going to be photos and everything, but I just am not up to doing it, to posting some of it. Especially some of the photos. I thought it might be funny, and then I thought that maybe not.

I broke up with Frog and Pixie today (yesterday??? - insomnia makes the days blur together). They fight - all the time. And I don't do that. And I couldn't keep hearing from both sides how unhappy they were. And then 5 minutes later that they had made up. Back and forth and back and forth. And the jealousy! And the distrust! Shit, that relationship is more draining than my marriage, and that's just not how it should be. And in just over 2 weeks we have our one and only IVF chance - I can't ruin it from stress. At least not stress I can remove.

Oh, it was not pretty. And the thing is, the friendship was salvageable. But I wasn't ready to talk, not yet. (I am leaving A LOT out....it's been a crazy couple of weeks, so, sorry the details are fuzzy) I needed a cool-down period. Frog stopped by anyway and asked the ONE THING he had to know would blow it, would end it for good. The one thing I've told him to never ask again, to never go there again. A few times. And he went there anyway in his paranoia and jealousy and his distrust. And the only thing I could say was "Get out. Now." OMG there was drama in the damn street in front of the house!

There was a flurry of giving things back, of exchanging items (I have realized there are some there that I still need) in a total bad 1980's break-up style. And DESPITE that, I still have things I have ordered for them for the baby shower that I will have to deliver. And I offered to give back the furniture they donated to us to sell because they need the money (which, by the way, they are going to take back....no, really, they are). I got told to forget about the shower stuff. Right. It's already ordered. And really, what am I going to do with a stack of cards with their baby's ultrasound on them? Oh! And I finished the damn baby blanket I had been making for them. I spent all damn day on it to get it out of my sight. I took goddamn PREGNANCY PHOTOS of Pixie for Frog for Father's Day. I sorted through baby clothes with them. I helped with the nursery. I put myself through HELL!!!! WHY????? I am my own worst enemy. So, yeah, I still care. But they won't see that.

Now they just want me purged from their lives as much as I do. My heart is a little broken right now. I have more to write, but maybe later today.

TGIF - for me, anyway

I'm glad it's my Friday. I am tired of drama, though, and all I will do is deal with it for the next 3 days probably. I should learn to keep my mouth shut and stop trying to help. Only ever seems to cause issues. But seriously, don't ask me a question if you don't want the answer.

That's it for today. I'm cranky. It's been a long 4 days and I still have 8 hours of work ahead of me. And our computer is still fried.

*Sigh* Hope everyone else is doing well out there in Blog Land.

Back to Work

So.....first day back was horrendous. I'm not even going to bother with the details. I vented yesterday and got it out of my system, and I'm done. Today is marginally better.

I have discovered that sitting is still not so comfy....oh, well. Whatcha gonna do, right?

So, home pooter is shortly to be fixed and I shall be uploading photos. I have a post planned with tons....and hopefully some (sarcastic) humor.

Spoke with my nurse - I let her know I have been unsuccessful in gaining weight and she said she wants 5-10 lbs on me. 5 by the time I start Lu.pron in just under 3 weeks. *Sigh* She said to try protein. I'm eating carrot sticks and peanut butter....think that's what she meant? I've gotta figure out how to do this. I'm going to have to eat constantly....

More later. These 10 hour work days are killing me, so next decent post probably won't be until Tuesday.....