Off the Grid

Both of our computers decided to die simultaneously yesterday....so all the pics I want to upload to here (and to Snapfish to order) I can't....I promise there will be awesome photos soon :)

Surfers were awesome!!!! Just my kind of peeps. We had a great night...I made a HUGE dinner for 9 and we went for a late night walk by the creek and picked wildflowers for Pixie and Frog, as well as caught fireflies :)

They left us a cd of the one guy's music, and a sea bead necklace :) It really all cheered me up, which I think helped with the body heal, because I CAN WALK!!!! WOOT!!!!

Today is my last day of leave (again, LOL), and it's back to the daily grind tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous, but if I can keep my spirits up, then I will be okay.

I have really vivid dreams, and the last few nights I have dreamt I was pregnant, in my 3rd trimester. I keep waking up feeling my belly and disappointed it is flat. Maybe this is an omen?

Updated IVF Schedule

Here is is, ladies....updated, and not getting cancelled this time. Not if I can help it. Not if I have to go work a strip joint for the next 3 weeks to make our finances work. Still have tons to update, and tomorrow will try to post photos and tell of our surfers from yesterday and the never-ending pile of crap. But for today.....I have a schedule. A couple things of note:

1. There is a solid chance that my retrieval will fall on the day of my sister's baby shower (yeah, not kidding) - which rules out transportation. I'm trying to get a few options ready for transportation - DH won't be able to get 2 days in 1 week off, so the trouble is finding someone to take me because it's more important to me that he be at the transfer. No matter which of those 4 days it is, they are almost all work days, so maybe I will have a week straight off.
2. The transfer stands a good chance of happening on my birthday. Again, not kidding. I really don't want that. I really don't. My first wedding was on my birthday and that didn't go so well.....
3. My beta will fall right around Pixie's due date, if not on her due date. Please be late, baby girl.....

So, without further ado, here it is....

Lupron start 20 units (orange tip syringe) evening of 7/9/10 (you will get a call this day to remind you). Take this in the evening between 8 and 9 pm.

Continue active birth control pills.

Last birth control pill 7/13/10(you may or may not get a period-no need to call) Continue Lupron 20units

First Office Visit=7/20/10

You will have Blood Work that am.

You will get a call that afternoon with exact instructions

Evening of 7/20(After you receive a call)

225 IU Gonal-F + 15 units Low Dose HCG

Lupron decreases to 5 Units

Evening of 7/21

225 IU Gonal-F + 15 units Low Dose HCG

Lupron 5 Units

Evening of 7/22

225 IU Gonal-F + 15 units Low Dose HCG

Lupron 5 Units

*Morning of 7/23

*In for blood work and ultrasound this am

After your second ultrasound appointment, it is a possibility that your medication doses could change and the days in which you come in for monitoring may vary so the following dates are estimates of when you will need to come in for monitoring.

7/25

7/27

7/28

7/29

7/30

Possible retrieval 7/29-8/1

Possible transfer 8/1-8/7

Still Alive

I promise to write more soon. Still haven't been able to get off the couch much, and much has happened this week. Been going through a lot. My goal this week is to try and catch up on everyone else's lives and stop being lost in my own world. I haven't fallen again, but still in a lot of pain. Will have some neat photos to post soon, but cannot quite yet.....

We have Couch Surfers arriving Tuesday for a night, and a party to attend tomorrow evening. It seems I have been thrown back in to the real world without much of a chance to prepare. It's hard to handle, but probably necessary.

Off to play with Shutterfly and get some of my "to do" list done.

Humpty Dumpty...

...fell down the sairs this morning. No kidding. Murphy's Law and I are way too well-acquainted. I cannot make this shit up. I am stuck in a recliner, left leg useless. 10 days off of work, and when I go back I have to head straight to real phone calls without the benefit of actually finishing training. So I'm a bit terrified by that. Because I really can't afford to fuck up and lose my job. Not now.

Ramifications of this??? I totally have to put off IVF. We need a shit-ton of work done on the car to pass inspection in a few weeks and we are short a lot of my income due to all this time off of work. I got 3 weeks of short term disbility pay (at 60% of full pay) in the nearly 8 weeks I have missed. So it looks like we're putting off IVF for 2 months. I think this means that I'll be on BCP for freakin 2 months straight....which is super! No, not really. I'm not sure yet. I was hoping for only 1 month, but I think 2 is more realistic financially.

I sobbed, I screamed, I laughed hysterically today. Shit, even the doctor laughed. I mean, really, it's kinda funny. In a fucked up kinda way. I'm hoping to find a way to sleep again during this time off at least. It's like one road block after another. After another. After another.

I am at least gonna get a chance to finish all the damn baby blankets I am making for OTHER PEOPLE. Yeah, I'm venting. I want to hopefully borrow this laptop I'm using right now later so I can catch up with other people and maybe stop feeling sorry for myself.

I'm totally rambling. Here's the thing....I've been needing to do this for a while. So, today was really just a shit day. Started with falling down the stairs, and it just got better and better from there.

Frog and Pixie are, well, making some changes in their house and living arrangements. Pixe's mom, who lives in their downstairs apartment is moving into the main house so they can rent out the apartment. So they had to tell her about me. Or thought they should. She admitted she thought something was going on, but hoped it wasn't. I've been down this road before with 2 other mom's, and I was always the bad guy. I mean, who wants their daughter to be bisexual or gay? Well, other than my parents, LOL. Anyway, her mom is Catholic....so she's going through the typical something is wrong with my daughter, etc etc etc. She is blaming Frog for it, saying she was never like this before she met him. Which is funny because they've been together 8 years and this is something Pixie has only opened up to herself about since I've been in their lives. Not that she's real pleased with me. I just don't know what's next. I totally feel like they've got all this crap going on in their lives, (not that I don't), and that I'm just causing more issues. I know it's not my fault, and this is their decision and they could have chosen to try and hide it but I feel terrible. Terrible.

What a goddamn day. What a goddamn week, month, fucking year. I want to be a good friend to the people I love, and I just can't even be there for them. I'm hitting a wall, here. I thought I hit that wall 2 months ago, but apparently, apparently I CAN take more shit. So you know what, world???? Keep dishing it out. Keep it the fuck up. Because I WILL find a way through all of this. I WILL find a way to be a good friend again. I WILL find a way to ... all of it.



A: Thank you for listening.
B: Sorry for the seriously foul language in this post.
C: I don't have a "C" but A and B only didn't seem to be enough.

Broken, again

I wanted to post pics yesterday. I want to talk. I want to not be freaking out, or at least get it all out. But instead, I tripped over a ladder in the dark and fell. Again. I spent yesterday on the couch and then recliner. Haven't slept again in 2 nights. Stopped taking all non-Pg safe drugs. So I'm a basketcase, anxious, and can't sleep. And in a lot of pain.

I came to work today. I made it halfway through before losing it. Can't take the pain. Waiting for Frog to come and take me to Urgent Care. I give up. I'm so over all of it. I just want ONE GODDAMN GOOD WEEK. Is that so much to ask??????

Nervous Nellie

Okay, so I want to read everyone's news, and I want to write, I just can't seem to. Went back to work, and ended up taking off a day in my first week back. I'm now on BCP and in 1 week I start the Lupron injections. I'm all kinds of nervous and stressed out, and I don't want to be Debbie Downer. I have to wean myself off the happy meds....and that worries the hell out of me.

I think I'm just overwhelmed and don't know what to say or how to put any of it into words, so still staying fairly quiet. Will try tomorrow to catch up with you guys, though. I need to know what's up in YOUR lives. I miss you...just very apathetic right now. Yell at me to snap out of it! Something! Were you this nervous and freaked going into your first IVF????

Contest Winner

I know I've been MIA - and I apologize for not commenting much. Since Friday I've been....just blah. I went back to work...and then called out today. Couldn't take it. I have much to write about, just no urge, if that makes sense. However, I did promise a winner to the Name My Uterus Contest, and I have made a decision. Ready? I mean, really, are you ready???

Drumroll please....

Winnings go to Circus Princess with the name Helga. So, Helga it is. Now I just have to let her know the good news.

I promise to re-enter the world. I'm pretty overwhelmed with the start of my cycle and going back to work and money and everything, so I'm trying.....I am. Just worn out....