Please Stop The Rollercoaster, I Want To Get Off

I'm here.  I promise.  I see definite improvement, which is so wonderful.  Fewer terrible days.  Even some good days!

It's a rollercoaster though.  Sometimes I just wake up feeling like shit.  I embrace the good days. But I am able to make it through a decent number of days without taking the acute anxiety drug.  What I don't enjoy is that there is no way to tell with me.   It's a rollercoaster.  Some days just numb.  Some days so wound up I can't function.  Some days peaceful.  What sucks is the toll my ups and downs take on my friends.  They feel shut out one day, bewildered the next.  One friend in particular is struggling quite a bit.  All I can tell him is don't give up on me.  Please don't give up on me.

I start individual therapy this upcoming Friday.  I am both looking forward to starting that process and dreading it.  Because it's scary shit.  Facing myself like that is kind of terrifying.  But healing is necessary, so I am on board.

I started doing things for ME.  Like juicing, and coming up with muffin recipes that will allow me to eat something that tastes good but will get me lots of veggies.  It's also my way of trying to get P to eat that stuff.  He would live on cheese crackers and bananas if I let him.  He is cruising the perimeters now. Walking is just around the corner.  I got my hair cut.  Considering a radical dye job.  But not feeling it all the way.

There are some potentially major things coming ... I am saying no more because I don't want to jinx us.  We have shitty luck as it is.

What I want is to find my normal again.  Find work I find challenging and rewarding.  Make a difference.  Be a good mom to P, a good wife to Hubby.  I want to not be afraid to get out of bed, to wake up.

There was a storm rolling in last weekend.  I sat on TG's swing and let the rain and wind blow over me.  It was the most peaceful I have felt in a very long time.  I can't wait for more summer storms.  If that is what it takes, I will be getting very wet this year.  

I Am Strong, I Am Beautiful

The Legacy Stops Here

As you know, things have been rough for me lately. (Updates to follow!) I have rediscovered an album I hadn't listened to in ages.  Yes I Am by Melissa Etheridge.  As I was coming out of my despair, one song struck me - Silent Legacy.  This song is about growing up gay, but as I listened, I realized that it can apply to so much of my life.

1 in 10 people fall somewhere on the gay spectrum.  I am bisexual and polyamorous.

1 in 40 adults are bipolar (approximately).  I am the most recent in a long family line of bipolar disorder.

1 in 8 suffer from Infertility.  I am part of that 1 in 8.  I am the 1.

I am the 1.

I am the ONE.

1 in 3200 if you do the math.  ONE.

The shame, the silence, the hiding, the pain...all of these apply to anyone who falls into one of those categories.  They always have.  But it doesn't have to be that way. There are resources.

GLBT National Help Center

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance

Resolve: The National Infertility Association

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW).  The theme is "Don't Ignore."  Don't let this apply to only Infertility.  There are so many others hurting, suffering shame, fear, pain.  Be an advocate.  Don't ignore them.  

"Mothers tell your children

Be quick you must be strong
Life is full of wonder
Love is never wrong
Remember how they taught you
How much of it was fear
Refuse to hand it down
The legacy stops here"

Stop the fear.  Stop the shame.  Stop the silence.  

Stop the LEGACY.

Don't Ignore Our Pain - NIAW 2012

"I didn't want to get pregnant right now."
"I'm so tired of being pregnant."
"Just adopt!"
"There is a reason for everything."
"Want to borrow my kids for a while?  Then you won't want any."

We've all heard statements like that.  They hurt.  More than some people realize.  For those of us who are "out" about our infertility it blows our mind that someone could be so insensitive to our plight.  For those in the closet, it's a reminder of how unaware people are of the pain their statements can cause.

I am out.  Have been since day 1.  Friends mean well.  Family members mean well.  But the discomfort surrounding Infertility means that our pain goes either ignored or blown off quite often.  Here's the thing...

My pain is valid.  My constant envy of bumps and families built by accident and the thought that my son may never get to be an older brother...it's all valid.  Sometimes the pain hits me in the chest and I can't breathe.  Sometimes I struggle to find the appropriate level of response for an "oops" pregnancy, or your 5th child, or your complaints regarding your child.

We are so incredibly lucky to have had only 1 cycle with an RE, 1 IVF/ICSI cycle, and 1 perfect little boy.  I know that.  And I will never forget the miracle we have been blessed to receive.  And I know Survivor's Guilt, the pain I feel for my friends who are still fighting the war.

But I still ache for another child, to be pregnant again, to feel that life growing inside me.  The bond that is inherent in carrying a child.  I struggle with the fear it may not happen.  With the fact that our continual bad luck, my bipolar disorder, money, etc, will end our dreams.

We don't always need to hear that you understand...unless you actually do.  We don't always need you to say the perfect thing.  But that awkward silence, the quick changing of the subject...that needs to end.  Infertility is not a shameful disease.  A hug helps.  Thinking about your flippant statements regarding children and family building before you actually utter them helps.  You might be inadvertently causing some friend or acquaintance of yours to be seeking a quick exit to compose herself.  Or himself.

Just as jokes that are racist or bigoted can hurt or offend someone, so can your remarks.  Listen, we think about the things we say if we are compassionate.  So think about what you say.

And most of all, DON'T IGNORE it.  Ignoring it doesn't make it go away.  Oh, how we wish it would.  How we dream that we never heard the diagnosis that changed our lives.  How we desperately wish to just be able to conceive a child the "normal" way.  How we dream that we could just build our families without going into debt or making decisions about embryos.

Please don't ignore me.  Don't ignore my disease.  Don't ignore my pain.  Validate it.  Recognize it.

National Infertility Awareness Week 2012.

Basic understanding of the disease of infertility.
About NIAW

I Sound My Barbaric YAWP From The Rooftops Of The World

Today I will be positive.  Today I will be strong.  Today I will be beautiful.  Today I will be sexy.  Today I will remember to breathe.  Today I will be the best me I can be.

Y A W P





"There's only one thing that I know how to do well
And I've often been told that you only can do
What you know how to do well
And that's be you,
Be what you're like,
Be like yourself" - They Might Be Giants, "Whistling In The Dark"

To War I Go

Yesterday I had my psych eval.  It was fairly basic.  Not much exciting to report.  I have a follow up in 2 weeks to see how the new meds are doing and continue to tweak my treatment plan.

Meds:

• Zoloft (200 mg daily)
• Risperdal (.5 mg daily)
• *NEW* Lamictal - don't remember dosage, but it doubles in 2 weeks
• *NEW* Hydroxyzine - don't remember brand name or dosage - this is to replace Ativan for acute anxiety symptoms.

Treatment Plan:

• They wanted me to do the Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP) which is 9-3 M-F, but childcare for P would be an issue.  So, now they are trying to get me into the Transitional Outpatient Program, which would normally come after the IOP.  That meets 9-12 a couple days a week.  Theory: any treatment is better than none
• See a therapist.  This has to wait until there is an opening and could take a few weeks.

I'm not going to lie, the group thing terrifies me.  I'm tired of crying and I'm terrified of letting things out.  A friend told me to remember that they are all in similar situations and are there to support, not judge.  So I just have to remember that.

It is taking all I have not to completely shut down and shut everyone out.  The supportive comments and discussions on Twitter and FB are helping.  I know that I need to get out of the house, but taking that step, literally, across the threshold is more like climbing a 12 foot wall with no partner.  Today I HAVE to go to the grocery store.  My anxiety is so bad that I shake and twitch.  I must look like a junkie, and facing people in public is just terrifying.  Dreading it.  But if I can focus on the task at hand, perhaps I will survive.  Also seeing a friend today I haven't seen in close to 15 years.  Which will either be good or freak me out.  I don't know yet.  

Unemployment update: I was officially denied.  Now, I can fight this.  The issue is that I currently cannot work, and being able and available for work is a requirement.  PA does not have state disability.  What do I do?  Seriously, what?  

I also need to call the county assistance office and get the ball rolling on things like food stamps and CHIP for P.  Again, it's the issue of conquering the threshold to do such things.  

The reason I was not admitted for inpatient care is that I am not full-on have a plan suicidal.  Just, as they say, fleeting thoughts.  The bad part is that I am "cutting".  In quotations because I don't use a blade, I use a nail file.  No permanent damage or blood.  

I can barely interact with P.  Luckily, he is a fairly independent little booger and will play on his own.  It's when he gets needy that I have issues.  Mid afternoon and evening are my bad times of the day.  Of course, that's when he is neediest and I have to be on top of my game.  I feel like the worst mom ever.  Which just compounds the anxiety and depression.

I am scared.  I want to get better.  But I have never been this bad before and it really is rather terrifying.  One of my closest friends and I are on the outs, partly because of my bipolar.  So, it got me fired, and it's losing me a friend in a time when I can't afford to lose people.  Which makes me angry.  So angry.  And so sad.  I despise this illness.  I want it to just go away.  I don't want to spend my life on umpteen drugs to help me be "normal".  But this is the hand I've been dealt.  And so, to war I will go.  

Tally Ho, soldiers.  Tally Ho.

2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

I went to the clinic yesterday and did the intake process.  I lucked out and am able to get psych eval Thursday.  Tomorrow.  It may be a few weeks before I can see a therapist.  We talked about a plan to get me through the days...getting out of the house.  Taking P for walks.  Doing things that I enjoy (even though right now everything feels like a chore), and about my support system.  He seemed pleased by the support I have in place.

But I am just getting worse right now. I went to the crisis center after I finished the intake.  Unfortunately, the center doc was on call for the hospital and could not see me.  Fuck.

I had the day to myself, so I came home and I'm not gonna lie.  I took 2 of Hubby's pain pills and let them knock me out so I could just SLEEP.  Because that seemed the safest option.  I am going to try to go to the crisis center again today, but the time frame means I may not be able to find a sitter for P and that is a problem.  I know I see the psych lady tomorrow.  So I can make it, right? Right?

My trip is postponed until I can get myself stable.  My unemployment was officially denied, so I have to appeal that, but I honestly don't feel like I can work right now.  Not at any place where I could get hired quickly.  I need work that makes me feel good, whole.  I honestly don't know if work is something that would help right now or hinder.  I feel like I can't make any decisions and trust that they are good ones.  Other than the one I made to go to the clinic.

The outpouring of support I have received from family and friends and bleeps and feeps and tweeps is simply amazing.  You all give me the strength to get through this.  I wish there was some way I could thank you all in person.  Hug you.  Something.

Music is helping me.  I rediscovered Melissa Etheridge the other day.  One song in particular has been helping.  So, I leave you with that.