Mea Culpa

Last month (it seems like forever ago at this point), when I landed myself back in Horsham, I was upset about my sister's pregnancy (straw, really, that broke the camel's back in that area) as well as my mother's insistence that I be gracious...as though I would be a bitch.  But not just that...

Sister has always done it "right".  And I, well, I am the family fuck up.  Falling well below my "potential" lalala.  So it wasn't just the pregnancy.  It's just my year, the feeling that I have been a huge disappointment to so much of my family.  It's a huge issue for me.  Huge.  And the roots go way back.

At the surface was the pregnancy announcement.  But that was just the tip of the iceberg, really.  Like I said, it's an issue for me.  And it's one I'm working on.

When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately felt terrible for putting my husband, son, family through yet another scare - considering that at the time I had just conceived.  I felt guilty.  Still do, to some extent.  Guilt, failure...yeah, yeah.  So there is more than one issue.

But the thing is...there is NO WAY I could have known that.  There is no way I would ever have considered the possibility.  Hell, I was at the doctor 2 days before I tested, CD36, and they didn't even consider a pregnancy test themselves given our history.  How could I have known?  I couldn't have.

My reaction was based on what I KNEW to be true about my IF, my life, my situation.  And I had already apologized to my family, my husband, my friends, for putting them through that again.

I'm not perfect.  Who is?  I am what I am.  And I am fighting like hell to keep myself on an even keel for this baby.

And let me tell you - while I am able to be on most of my meds for now, I had to stop Klonopin.  Which means I've had to learn very quickly how to control my anxiety.  How to change my focus or drop a subject or whatever in order to be okay.  I stopped caffeine because while it's wake-me-up powers are awesome, even the 1 cup a day I am allowed didn't help the anxiety.  I let Hubby deal with things that would normally drive me crazy.  And I am forcing myself to remember that most of the things that are making me edgy can wait.  They can be handled over time.  The urge to cut?  Still there.  Still VERY MUCH there.  Like I said, I am fighting like hell.

I can't take away the things I've done, the sickness that causes me to react so violently to situations, or a pregnancy that is so incredibly treasured despite its not so great timing in terms of our finances/living situation.  What time is good?  For us?  Ha.

So, no, I can't make the past go away.  But I also can't live in regret.  I can only move forward.  And hope that others do so with me.