Wednesday, August 31, 2011

PYHO: Valid

One of the things I absolutely love about the blogging community, and the ALI community specifically is the level of support.  It is AMAZING! 
And it does not come easily.  For those of us who have crossed over "that line", the one into motherhood, we sometimes have to tread lightly.  We know how much it hurts to hear Pg announcements, see bumps, hear complaints. 
Having said that, I have had a couple of friends recently, one pregnant, one just recently delivered, both of whom feel as though they have to put forward an "I'm so happy" face, despite struggles or what-have-you.
Here's the thing, and I told one of my friends this last night:
"In sharing this journey, we should be able to share all of it. We go in with this hope of perfection. And then life dumps more crap on our happily ever after, and our disappointment is no less valid because we struggled to get here."

I firmly believe this.  These blogs are our place to share.  And I know it can be difficult for others to read. I also think that straight up flaming of someone's post is not okay.  Really.  We all put ourselves out there.  And the way we feel, it's valid.  

I hate to think any of us feel like we have to sugar coat something to protect others.  Sure, there are ways of being diplomatic, but, you know, you don't know someone else's situation until you've walked a mile in their shoes. 

On top of it being hell to get where we are, some of us also have hellish pregnancies.  And then, becoming a parent, it's not easy.  Oh, we love EVERY MINUTE of it.  But it also has its challenges.  And some of them are insanely frustrating, even disheartening.  There are days of no sleep.  Disappointment once again when our bodies don't do what we had hoped.  And the feeling as though all of our preparation, our dreaming, our fantasizing of motherhood has been for nought.  Because we have NO IDEA what we are doing.  Not a clue.  And more than ever, we need your support, in knowing that we can do this, this next step.  It's what we are all trying for, and we still need you in our lives, even if the direction of our thoughts and what we express have changed.  

We spend months, years, pouring our hearts out about the struggles of becoming parents.  Should we no longer pour out our hearts?  I think that is unreasonable.  We lose followers, and we understand why.  

But please, PLEASE, don't flame us.  Don't expect perfection.  It's never going to be rainbows and butterflies all the time.  We still need you.  We have NOT forgotten where we came from, what it took to get here.  I promise you that.  And we will be behind you all until you attain sleepless nights, boobs that won't put out, pee on your work clothes, and a prayer that you aren't fucking it all up too much.

What we feel is valid.  It's not's more sharing of our experiences.  It is truth.  That is what we do here, in our little world.   Please let us continue to be part of it. 


  1. This was so well-written and heartfelt.

    Our blogs talk about our real experiences- and those change along the way.

    We shouldn't have to pretend for others. It's not trying to be hurtful, it's just being real.

  2. This is so important! We should always {Always!} treat people with respect and kindness off and on line.

  3. Yes, this is tremendously hard. I know when I was trying to get pregnant, I tried to be nice when people complained about being pregnant when inside I wanted to scream at them to just shut up and be grateful. Then when I was pregnant? Totally wanted to complain nonstop at how crummy I felt!! Anyway you are right that every feeling is valid and we should be able to put it out there.

  4. I agree that the support of this community is simply amazing. It has been hard enough for ME to make the mental transition from infertile to pregnant, and has been hard enough for me to figure out how to continue pouring my heart out, and it is complicated by the little voice in the back of my head that kind of feels a need to filter for the sake of others who are still struggling. Great post Gen. You always have a way of saying exactly what needs to be said.

  5. Sweetie, of course I agree, but it may simply be that those cyber friends who have not crossed the line yet don't know what to say and how to support us in our struggles through motherhood. And I think the parenting community is not as bit as the TTC community. I have lost many cycber-friends when they became moms as they simply stopped blogging. Ah well. And even in the parenting community not always we can be of help/support. Say for example on breast-feeding, I never succeeded so I have no suggestion when people complain of overfilled breasts and engorgement! Sure I never had enough milk for a single feed! Or anxiety about the baby well-being (which I have a very severe case of!), not everyone can relate.

    But respect should never be an issue.

    Love, Fran

  6. And that is exactly what I am here for, myself. For the truth. That gives the best support.
    Great post! thanks for dishing it out.

  7. The only time I ever feel upset about the people who have "crossed over" are when they suddenly lose the ability to support those of us who haven't. I understand they don't really know what to say and might be afraid of hurting me (and may just not have any time). But it's the ones who have been at this the longest, have been honest about ALL their struggles and still come back that I love all the more. I will ALWAYS be there to support you through your struggles -- whatever form they take.

    And, even the ones who seem to completely forget about those of us "still in the trenches" will never see a flame from me. Sure, I might fume on the inside, but they are still deserving of support.

  8. I definitely agree with this! I have such a hard time posting about being a parent because I know that doing so hurts my followers that are still waiting... BUT, I need to be able to post about my whole life. You put my feelings into words so well!


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