Wednesday, August 10, 2011

PYHO: What Next?

I love doing's a way for me to say things that I am honestly terrified to put out there, even here.  Things that weigh heavily on me...Thanks, Shell for the opportunity!


The time has come to make a decision:  To store the embryos or not to store the embryos.  Peanut's sibling have hit their 1 year anniversary...meaning no more free storage. 
Hubby wants to keep them.  And, I think, so do I.  I THINK. 
Nevermind that with Hubby having not been working, we can't afford bills and rent, now we have to come up with money for that? 

Sister asked me how we can possibly afford another attempt, much less another child.  Never mind that it annoyed me.  Do you ask your pregnant friends that?  Probably not.  That's a different story though.  Anyway, yes, this is something I worry about all the time.

We struggle.  A lot.  And somehow always figure it out.  We could certainly cut more out.  And if needs be, we will.  People figure it out, right?  But now I feel that now, being infertile and having to seriously work for children, that we have some sort of inherent responsibility to be somehow more responsible about procreation.  I mean, I have always felt that, but I feel like our choices are watched so much more carefully now.  And that bothers me.  

We are not on the streets.  We figure out a way to put food on the table, to pay the bills.  We scrape by.  Will we be able to pay for our childrens' college?  Probably not.  Will we be running away for big vacations every summer?  Doubtful.  But I didn't get to either.  

But is it fair to bring another child into our fairly financially challenged life?  I honestly don't know...
Saying that we do save them, that I get the job I want, and that we can use those embryos before the end of the year to avoid further storage fees.  Saying ALL THAT COMES INTO LINE. 
I don't know if I can do it.  We always wanted more than one child.  2 would be awesome.  Siblings.  We both have siblings - we never imagined an only child.  It's nearly incomprehensible to us.
But I really don't know if I can do it.  I loved being pregnant - LOVED it.  I would love to be pregnant again.  But we DEFINITELY cannot afford for me to be on bed rest for months again.
I am scared of twins.  I wanted them originally, but with a child already here, the idea of twins absolutely terrifies me.  I feel so overwhelmed already.  I love P, love him TO DEATH, but I can't get the hang of managing work, baby, and home.  How the hell can I do it with another child or two?  I know, I know, you figure it out.  I know that.  I do.  But transferring embryos we know to be genetically normal definitely raises the chances for multiples. And OMG how do you all do it? 

If we can't pay for the embryos, we will donate.  And then perhaps tackle another fresh cycle...somehow.  With new sperm...

It seems sperm daddy is no more.  We must have gotten the last of the vials, and we couldn't afford to store what was left.  Oh, well.  I guess.  The trials of IF are bizarre.  
So what is next?  What is meant to happen will, so we say so often to comfort ourselves.  We use it when we can't say what we want...which is IT'S NOT FAIR or something along those lines as though we are five years old.  

It feels as though Fate or whatever is conspiring against us.  Hubby losing his job, Sperm Daddy being no more.  As so much of our lives, the dice have been tossed.  They are flying toward the end of the craps table.  We are holding our collective breath, waiting to see if they land the way we pray...
So, what next? 


  1. I don't have any answers for you or advice- only you and your husband can decide what is best for you. Sending you prayers as you try to figure it out. xo

  2. ugh. i can't pretend to know what it's like, but praying you get the answers you need. thanks for sharing your heart.

  3. The truth is - there will never be enough money, time, energy etc for kids. But you adjust whether its 1,2 or 20. I get behind on chores and bills. I feel overwhelmed. I wonder how we will manage.

    Then I adjust. We always find a way too and I know we always will.

    If you THINK you want #2 then trust your gut and go with it. Wait until P is 2 and is more independent if you must. Right now is the hardest time. I am finally getting a little freedom now that JB can entertain himself.

    Maybe Fate isn't saying no. Maybe those things are gone to let you know to hold onto those frosties.

    Good luck and hugs!

  4. I can't tell you the answers or give you advice, because I am not you. Only you and your husband know what is best for you guys.
    I can tell you will never have enough money or time, and if you wait for those you'll be waiting forever.
    Take care and good luck!

  5. Since sperm donor is gone, I think it makes it even more imperative to hold on to those frosties. I really do. That way P can have a genetic connection remaining.

    Could you ask your clinic about some sort of payment plan? Or do a yard sale? Or something creative to raise the funds.

    I think if there are conflicted feelings it makes sense to hold on to them even if you aren't ready to use them yet. As you can never get them back.

    I hope the answers present themselves too. This is a difficult decision. And as always, the fact money is involved is a bunch of SUCK!

  6. This is so hard and it sucks so much that this is the sort of thing you have to decide. I hope you can come to a decision that works for you guys.

  7. RIGHT THERE WITH YOU. that's all i got.

    we are storing ours -- with what money, i don't know -- because it doesn't make financial or any other kind of sense to me to go through a fresh cycle again. our clinic is pricey, but even so, we can store for a lot of years for what a fresh cycle would cost out of pocket.

    in your situation, the donor's being done would make me all the more eager to hold on to them. on the other hand, if we do decide to have another kid, sugar might well carry, and if it's her genes plus the same donor or hers plus a different donor, the kids wouldn't be full genetic sibs, and we're okay with that. so i could certainly understand deciding that isn't a deal-breaker.

  8. I don't have any answers, and I've never been in this kind of situation. But you and your family are in my thoughts that you will find the answers you need.

  9. I think that every couple asks these questions, the only thing that is different for us IF couples is that we have no control over the decisions. Something is always making the decision FOR US , whether it's cycling, temping, drs or appts, we are at the mercy of so many things.

    Right now, my age, our financial status and raising twins is the reason we do not dicuss a 3rd baby and so while we might want to try, we know that is really not a rational thing and I think that is what angers me, that the decison is BEING made, instead of ME making it.

    HUGS, HUGE HUGE HUGS.....(and I have lots of clothes for you (Peanut) when I can get to you)

  10. Gosh, my heart goes out to you because you know I've been there in those same shoes. I actually have tears in my eyes right now while reading your post because I asked myself those same questions. Wouldn't it be nice if we all had a crystal ball, making such complicated decisions so much easier to make?

    Coming from someone who understands the whole DS situation, if you can afford to hold on those the frozen tots for even another year, that may be the way to go, esp now that you now there is no more DS from that specific donor.

    We used our frozen tots (which were biologically related to Cole and Bella, created from the same DE) but that cycle resulted in a miscarriage. I was bummed and just assumed that our donor would be available again but she had already completed the max amt of cycles that our clinic would allow. I was devastated because that obviously threw a whole 'nother wrench into the situation.

    I remember crying for weeks about this and feeling so hopeless.

    Anyway, you know the rest of the story...ended up getting pregnant spontaneously with another set of twins so we ended up with 4 kids who only share half DNA. Not that it's a big deal in the end because I love them all equally but it definitely complicates things, in my eyes, when I need to explain it to them and I fear all those worries that sit in the back of my mind.

    Anyway, OMG, this comment is turning into a book, which I didn't intend for it to be.

    I certainly don't have all the answers for you and I know you were mostly asking rhetorically because sometimes you just need to get it out there on your blog in order to get the chaos out of your head.

    Just go with your the end, it's the only way! My heart just hurts for what you're going through. It's not easy. And it's definitely not fair.

  11. ((HUGS)) So many decisions in IF-land are so hard to make. I struggle with decisions so much these days. The money others said, there won't ever be enough...or enough space in your house...:)

  12. I have no answers.....

    I hope you can scrape enough to save the embies, and when you are ready, work with transferring a single embryo to reduce the chances of multiples...

    There are however deeper issues underlying here for which I have no words....

  13. Oh hon, wow. I fully understand the financial aspect. I seriously do. I also know people say some careless things, and sometimes you have to ignore them, hard as that may be.
    Life does sort itself out. If you want to take that leap, take it. Life changes all the time - believe me - I know. If you had told me 5 years ago I would be bankrupt, near homeless, jobless, with everything falling apart, I would have laughed. But we're putting it back together; there is always hope, and we've taken some serious gambles when we've had what little we've had left to lose - to lose.
    Follow your heart, navigate with your brain, and live one day at a time.
    My heart goes out to you.

  14. Decisions, decisions!! Take it one day at a time. Your life doesn't have to be planned out completely. :) I know, it IS very stressful, especially when money is involved. It sucks. Sucks, sucks, sucks. Take it easy, and know that indeed, it will all work itself out.


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