Wednesday, August 3, 2011

PYHO: What The Hell...

It's Wednesday, and I managed to get a post (mostly) ready on some long calls at work that has been floating around inside me for quite some time...

*Disclaimer - I LOVE my child, more than anything in the world.  I am not complaining.
There are days I want to tear my hair out.  There are days I JUST WANT TO SLEEP.  There are days I want a housewife.  That I want to BE a housewife.  There are days I am terrified of this journey called Motherhood.
There are days I wonder "What the HELL were we thinking?"
I mean, really, we thought we could be PARENTS??? 
Actually, I think the issue is more mine.  Hubby has not faltered once.  I think he has found his calling.  I feel like an oaf so many days.  I feel as though I don't know how to interact with my son.  Like I should be doing more.
I feel like I never have time to myself.  But the thought of leaving them alone and going to do something for myself feels wrong.
I put him down to sleep in his cradle, feeling like I need to get him used to sleeping on his own.  And then I lay on the edge of the bed, arm dangling so I can hold his hand. 
Right now mothering is all about needs.  It's pretty basic, right? Umm, no.
And realistically, this is the EASY time!  Right?  OMG, soon there will be crawling.  And then talking.  And school and "Mommy mommy mommy".  And teaching right from wrong.  And OMG a TEENAGER.  GAH!
I know it's a one day at a time thing.  I know that.  But I am so exhausted.  Sometimes I wake up with him in the bed with me and have no recollection of getting him out of the cradle!  I wonder how I ever thought I was ready for this!!!  HA!

And yet, I know, somewhere deep inside as I cuddle him after work, or wake up to him snuggled up to me, that we will figure it out as we go along.  That's how parenting works.

And the thoughts of, "When can we do this again?" ride heavy on my heart...but that's a topic for another week.


  1. jumping over from PYHO ...

    we are never ready for parenthood, and the moment we think we think we've got it under control, one of those little humans makes a liar out of us!

    the kep is to embrace the good days, and sweep the bad ones under the carpet ;)

  2. Know that you are not alone. Having a baby is such a huge life change. Full of ups and doubts, joys and doubts. xo

  3. Don't feel guilty for wanting sleep! You're being denied a basic human NEED! Being tired and wishing to sleep for 12 hours straight doesn't take anything at all away from your love for P. :) <3

  4. Oh, and don't feel guilty about the other stuff either! (Perhaps the sleep part just resonated with me specifically since we aren't getting any sleep these days either.) For the love of all that is holy, get a sitter and go out! Even if you just go to a cheap/quick dinner together. You guys deserve that and you need it. I have the same struggle, but I've managed to overcome it twice and both times I've been soooo glad I did. It's as good for P as it is for you.

  5. You sound like the inside of my mind for the first couple months after I gave birth! You are so NOT alone! The internal conflict gets so much easier to hear, accept, and move on from. It will feel OK to give yourself time once again. Oddly, once I gave myself permission to do as I wanted for a few hours I found that the only thing I wanted was her in my arms again.

    Hang in there!

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  7. Visiting from PYHO

    It sounds to me like you are perfectly normal! I have certainly experienced everything you mentioned and many of my friends have expressed the same feelings. Having a child is overwhelming. And sometimes, you need to take some time to recharge. Don't beat yourself up about that! We all need time to do something for us and you certainly deserve it! And you'll be amazed at the difference just a few hours makes in your attitude and spirit. Do it soon!

  8. Thank you for this post! You are saying so much of what has been in my head for the last couple weeks (months...have I been a mom for 5 and 1/2 months???). I know these feelings are all normal, but it helps so much to get them out and on the blog and to get ourselves out of the house. I tell my hubby that I need to "get my brain back for a little while." It helps immensely, even if it is just for a short burst of gardening, or a quick cup of coffee the idea of doing it (just once) without having to drag out the stroller and (without fail) change a poopy diaper in the back seat of my car in the 98 degree heat is a relief...I LOVE my baby, but I love myself too and it doesn't mean that I love him any less when I need a little break. It just makes it more awesome to cuddle him again.
    I tend to carry my heart on my sleeve and motherhood (hormones...) seem to amplify my emotions, I have to remind myself to take care of me. You need to take care of you too. You are a great mother and an inspiration to so many.
    Take care of you!

  9. I think it's even harder when you've struggled to have a child....people think you should be eternally grateful and never complain for a minute about how hard parenthood is.

    I remember complaining once to my mom about how much my life sucked and she said, "Well, you're the one who wanted kids". As if I had absolutely no right to vent or feel exhausted.

    Try to remember that you are only human and everything you're feeling is normal. If any other mother out there says she's never felt the way you're feeling, she's full of shit.

    If you can get away for even just an hour to have a coffee by yourself at Starbucks or just walk around Barnes and Noble....anything that gives you a chance to unwind and's so worth it. The guilt may be there but, trust me, you'll feel like a whole new person if you can take some time for yourself.

  10. I really don't know what to say, Kakunaa. Although, from what I have heard, motherhood is tougher than it appears to be.

    You will feel better soon. P loves you. Your DH loves you. And together you will be just fine.

    Please take care!


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