PYHO: Valid

One of the things I absolutely love about the blogging community, and the ALI community specifically is the level of support.  It is AMAZING! 

 

And it does not come easily.  For those of us who have crossed over "that line", the one into motherhood, we sometimes have to tread lightly.  We know how much it hurts to hear Pg announcements, see bumps, hear complaints. 

 

Having said that, I have had a couple of friends recently, one pregnant, one just recently delivered, both of whom feel as though they have to put forward an "I'm so happy" face, despite struggles or what-have-you.

 

Here's the thing, and I told one of my friends this last night:

 

"In sharing this journey, we should be able to share all of it. We go in with this hope of perfection. And then life dumps more crap on our happily ever after, and our disappointment is no less valid because we struggled to get here."

I firmly believe this.  These blogs are our place to share.  And I know it can be difficult for others to read. I also think that straight up flaming of someone's post is not okay.  Really.  We all put ourselves out there.  And the way we feel, it's valid.  

I hate to think any of us feel like we have to sugar coat something to protect others.  Sure, there are ways of being diplomatic, but, you know, you don't know someone else's situation until you've walked a mile in their shoes. 

On top of it being hell to get where we are, some of us also have hellish pregnancies.  And then, becoming a parent, it's not easy.  Oh, we love EVERY MINUTE of it.  But it also has its challenges.  And some of them are insanely frustrating, even disheartening.  There are days of no sleep.  Disappointment once again when our bodies don't do what we had hoped.  And the feeling as though all of our preparation, our dreaming, our fantasizing of motherhood has been for nought.  Because we have NO IDEA what we are doing.  Not a clue.  And more than ever, we need your support, in knowing that we can do this, this next step.  It's what we are all trying for, and we still need you in our lives, even if the direction of our thoughts and what we express have changed.  

We spend months, years, pouring our hearts out about the struggles of becoming parents.  Should we no longer pour out our hearts?  I think that is unreasonable.  We lose followers, and we understand why.  

But please, PLEASE, don't flame us.  Don't expect perfection.  It's never going to be rainbows and butterflies all the time.  We still need you.  We have NOT forgotten where we came from, what it took to get here.  I promise you that.  And we will be behind you all until you attain sleepless nights, boobs that won't put out, pee on your work clothes, and a prayer that you aren't fucking it all up too much.


What we feel is valid.  It's not complaining...it's more sharing of our experiences.  It is truth.  That is what we do here, in our little world.   Please let us continue to be part of it. 

FNL: Mother Nature's Revolt

Linking up with Danifred for....

Woohoo!  Where I get to spew random facts that have accumulated in my brain all week!  *insert evil laugh here*

• Mother Nature is on a rampage in the US.  Earthquake in Colorado.  Earthquake in VA (felt along nearly the entire Eastern seaboard!!!). Hurricane Irene.
• I have a theory about all of it.  Wanna hear it?  No?  Too bad.  The company I work for has a call center in Colorado Springs - rare earthquake.  12 hours later, 2 more centers feel another rare earthquake (including mine).  Puerto Rico call centers hit by Irene the next 2 days.  Now, our center is facing the hurricane as well.  So, Mother Nature is out to get my company.  ROFL.
•  I do not mean to laugh at those in the way of Irene.  I know it's scary.  I just refuse to get all worked out, and you have to admit, there is a solid theory there.
• You ever have a food that when cold makes you shudder in revulsion and you swore you would never eat it in that condition?  I do: oatmeal.  Today I hit a new low.  I ate it cold.  I make a huge bowl to eat for breakfast at work - I didn't eat it fast enough.  3 hours later I was still eating it.  Cold.  In all its nastiness.  And oddly, I didn't care.  Added milk, cinnamon, etc helped. 
• I got my nails done for my birthday almost 3 weeks ago.  Because I had been chewing on them and I had birthday money.  Now I don't kow what to do with them.  Can't afford to keep them up, hate ripping them off.  Considering taking Hubby's Dremmel (sp???) to them, LOL.
• I have heard nothing back from my phone interview last week and it's driving me BONKERS.  I sent a follow-up email today.
• Okay, P is up to 14 lbs minimum (yes, he has tripled his birth weight!), so giving in and this weekend means reorganizing all the drawers again so he is in 3-6 month clothes.  For real this time.  I mean it.
• How the hell did my scrawny Benjamin Button kiddo turn into roly poly kid with no neck?  Yes, you may now sing selections from "Rocky Horror Picture Show."
• P turned 5 months last Saturday - I didn't do a post.  I am sooo behind in that kind of thing.  But, I post pics...you can see he is growing, chubby, smiling, etc.  And...occasionally LAUGHING!  Oh, yeah, baby.  Best sound ever.
• Still not on solids, but we give him a baby spoon to play with every other day or so to get used to what it is.  I feel like I am supposed to KNOW he is ready, but honestly...not a damn clue.  6 months it is, LOL.
• Speaking of which, a promised photo of the baby food mania:
  
  

  

  Those are gallon size bags, folks...

  
  
• We have started the switch to cloth wipes using Diaper Lotion Potion!  I'm excited.  Hubby said, "Great, more stuff to wash."  I didn't point out that I have done the laundry for the last month...
• I have decided to do a Couch to 5K.  Gah!  Foot is pretty much healed.  BUT, there are a couple things I have to sort out.  First, as I cannot afford a gym membership, and Hubby needs sleep, I will have to take P in his stroller to do it.  Which means weather can SEVERELY impact me.  Which means I need to be diligent on nice days.  ALSO, our town is uber hilly.  So...mayhaps I walk to the flat walking path by the creek first and count that as my starting point?  Thoughts?

******Continued Saturday morning******

• I NEED to make this, and yes, I have found a pattern :-) 

• Another new first for me:  I went to bed with P around 9 pm last night.  He was in his cradle.  I woke to him chattering at 1:30...with an empty bottle next to him.  Hubby was out delivering papers.  I apparently grabbed the bottle, shook it up, took the cap off, and fed him.  While SLEEPING.  Bad, bad sign.
• Have to work today.  Damn.  Wanted to prep for storm.  It is completely throwing off my weekend.  Sigh.  Hunker down and be safe my friends.

Thoughts Of A Peanut

Mom!  I'm naked here!  Stop with the pictures!

Seriously!  I'm shy, alright?

Oh, and now I have to endure kisses?  Sheesh.

Seriously, can we knock this shit off already?

Fine.  One good picture.  Happy now?

Friday Night Leftovers: Blessed

Linking up with Danifred officially for the first time!  Go me!

• P will be 5 months old tomorrow.  I still haven't done the folders on FB and Snapfish for month 4, much less month 5, LOL.  Or the big email to family on his stats n stuff.  SLACKER!
• I can't believe I have a 5 month old son.  Who babbles and shrieks and puts anything innapropriate  into his mouth that he can.  And who STILL does not sleep through the night.
• I had a phone interview yesterday for a new job that will make this worth it.  Because if I get the job, it comes with new IF insurance coverage and a shot at a brother or sister for P.
• Speaking of this, my dear cycle buddy Nicole has started a "Save The Frosties" campaign if you haven't seen it yet.  I feel so incredibly blessed.  To have the friends that I do in this community.  The support is amazing, and the power of the interwebs infinite.  I thank you all from the bottom of my heart!
• I have literally wept tears of gratitude multiple times this week. 
• Hubby has started a paper route...it's crap pay, but it may just keep our heads above the water when he finally starts getting paid.
• My nipples are healed!  Completely!  Thanks AGAIN to Nicole! 
• On day 5 of Domperidone.  Trying not to obssess over production yet.  I have to order more *digs through couch cushions for change*
• I had my VERY FIRST guest post this week!  I feel like I've cleared some sort of hurdle in the blogging world, you know? 
• I was hitting a serious depression streak the other day...until Nicole and all of you lifted me up. 
• Uh-oh, Bette Midler just started singing in my head.  C'mon, join in...you know the song!!!
• I "finished" making baby food.  I.E. I finished the pureed stuff.  I should make more variety, but, well, I may never run out...I really hope you learn from my over-enthusiastic pureeing expedition.  I wanted to give you a pic of the total, but they aren't all out of their trays yet.
  
  
  
  
  Again, I want to thank all my Bleeps, Feeps, and Tweeps for their love and support in Operation Save the Frosties.  You are amazing, and I don't know what we would do without you.  We are truly blessed.

A Plea On Our Behalf.

Nicole is doing something unbelievably generous to help us out.  Please read.  Support us one more time.  Thank you!

Maybe momma some day: Save the Frosties!!!

Baby Food Mania

Let me start out by saying that I have gone totally overboard.  There is no way I needed this much pureed food for P.  C'est la vie!  Now I know!  And I can pass it on to you, my loves :-)

Though we are not starting P on solids for another 5 weeks or so, I decided to get the making of said food out of the way so as to have it ready to go.  What happens when you used to cook in bulk for a couple hundred people?  You are incapable of small amounts.

I have an organic baby food cookbook.  But much of it is for a meal or two.  You know, real recipes, LOL.  I wanted the equivalent of prepared food.  Helloooo, Google!  I found my new bible, momtastic, which has food charts based on age and all kinds of fun stuff.  *Please keep in mind these are guidelines only!!!*

So, armed with ideas, I went shopping.  I would love to say that I bought only organic.  Or only at the Farmer's Market.  But, I am only human...it's kinda a mix of stuff.  So, here goes!

I had carrots in the fridge, so I started with those.

I peeled a fistful of carrots (umm, yeah, go me with the measuring), chopped them, and put them in a small saucepan with some water (not covered, enough to keep things moist), and simmered them until soft.  About halfway through I threw in a bit of olive oil and ground cinnamon, just enough to give off a bit of odor.

I did not drain because to puree, you need some liquid.  So, once they were good and soft, I put it all in the blender, and, because my blender is stubborn, started at a lower setting and worked my way up to puree.  *NOTE: Ideally, wait until things have cooled a bit before blending, as the heat causes more pressure in there!*

I found it was easier to use a liquid measuring cup to pour into my Freezer Tray from Green Sprouts, popped it in the freezer, and 24 hours later, I had carrot cubes!  Regular ice cube trays work as well (which I have put into service at this point.

I got really excited...this was easy!  Like making a pureed soup with way fewer steps!  And, I'm not going to lie, I think this is what caused the current overload of food.  I got cocky...

There are currently 5 trays in the freezer, and about 4 more waiting to be filled (already cooked and pureed).  I haven't touched the bananas and avocados yet, LOL.

What do we have for the Peanut to eat?

• apples with nutmeg
• pears with ginger
• peas with a touch of mint
• yams with clove
• acorn squash with curry powder
• carrots with cinnamon

The bananas will be pureed with some breast milk.  The avocados I am still thinking about.  Anything I would normally put with them is too acidic or gas producing for P.  Though there will have to be some lemon juice to prevent browning.  Maybe that will be enough. 

I also used the grate function on the blender to grind up rolled oats and brown rice.  We are not planning on doing that whole cereal focus thing, but it will be good to go with the fruits and veggies.  

Now, one cube = approximately 1 oz of food (1 serving).  I have over 100 oz, maybe closer to 150 once I do the bananas and avocados.  This is where my inability to make small batches comes in.  1 yam would have done it, not 3.  Half of an acorn squash.  3 gala apples.  2 bartlett pears.  Not quite a whole bag of frozen peas...a SMALL bag. Those would have come to 1 tray each.  But no...I have way more than that, LOL.  What you see here is only apples, pears, and peas.  Not kidding.  I have about 67 oz currently, before the yams and squash. Oops.  

Now, here is the other thing...This is a SAMPLE of all that he could theoretically eat.  So, I can add more.  And mix stuff.  But he won't need pureed for long, so these will be good bases for food, and when I add new stuff, I simply won't puree it, merely mash it or use the food mill I have.  I will check with his doc at his 6 month appointment about protein and yogurt and whatnot.  

So, ummm, anyone need some baby food???

PYHO: What Next?

I love doing PYHO...it's a way for me to say things that I am honestly terrified to put out there, even here.  Things that weigh heavily on me...Thanks, Shell for the opportunity!

 

The time has come to make a decision:  To store the embryos or not to store the embryos.  Peanut's sibling have hit their 1 year anniversary...meaning no more free storage. 

Hubby wants to keep them.  And, I think, so do I.  I THINK. 

Nevermind that with Hubby having not been working, we can't afford bills and rent, now we have to come up with money for that? 

Sister asked me how we can possibly afford another attempt, much less another child.  Never mind that it annoyed me.  Do you ask your pregnant friends that?  Probably not.  That's a different story though.  Anyway, yes, this is something I worry about all the time.

We struggle.  A lot.  And somehow always figure it out.  We could certainly cut more out.  And if needs be, we will.  People figure it out, right?  But now I feel that now, being infertile and having to seriously work for children, that we have some sort of inherent responsibility to be somehow more responsible about procreation.  I mean, I have always felt that, but I feel like our choices are watched so much more carefully now.  And that bothers me.  

We are not on the streets.  We figure out a way to put food on the table, to pay the bills.  We scrape by.  Will we be able to pay for our childrens' college?  Probably not.  Will we be running away for big vacations every summer?  Doubtful.  But I didn't get to either.  

But is it fair to bring another child into our fairly financially challenged life?  I honestly don't know...

Saying that we do save them, that I get the job I want, and that we can use those embryos before the end of the year to avoid further storage fees.  Saying ALL THAT COMES INTO LINE. 

I don't know if I can do it.  We always wanted more than one child.  2 would be awesome.  Siblings.  We both have siblings - we never imagined an only child.  It's nearly incomprehensible to us.

But I really don't know if I can do it.  I loved being pregnant - LOVED it.  I would love to be pregnant again.  But we DEFINITELY cannot afford for me to be on bed rest for months again.

I am scared of twins.  I wanted them originally, but with a child already here, the idea of twins absolutely terrifies me.  I feel so overwhelmed already.  I love P, love him TO DEATH, but I can't get the hang of managing work, baby, and home.  How the hell can I do it with another child or two?  I know, I know, you figure it out.  I know that.  I do.  But transferring embryos we know to be genetically normal definitely raises the chances for multiples. And OMG how do you all do it? 

If we can't pay for the embryos, we will donate.  And then perhaps tackle another fresh cycle...somehow.  With new sperm...

It seems sperm daddy is no more.  We must have gotten the last of the vials, and we couldn't afford to store what was left.  Oh, well.  I guess.  The trials of IF are bizarre.  

So what is next?  What is meant to happen will, so we say so often to comfort ourselves.  We use it when we can't say what we want...which is IT'S NOT FAIR or something along those lines as though we are five years old.  

It feels as though Fate or whatever is conspiring against us.  Hubby losing his job, Sperm Daddy being no more.  As so much of our lives, the dice have been tossed.  They are flying toward the end of the craps table.  We are holding our collective breath, waiting to see if they land the way we pray...

So, what next? 

One Year Later

A year ago I wrote myself a letter. It was my 33rd birthday, one day after the transfer of two gorgeous hatching blasts. I wondered what the year would bring.


I sit here today dazed. A year already? There were so many times this past year I swore time could not possibly go any slower.

And so many times now that I wish it would slow down just a little. He has changed so much in such a short time. I want to cherish every little moment.

I asked myself a few questions last year, and it was interesting to go back and read this letter. I thought I remembered what I wrote, but I really only remembered a couple of small details.

Some of the questions have obvious answers, some do not. I am still at the same job...which may change soon. I hope it changes soon. 33 was overall better than 32; it certainly has had it's amazing moments.

Am I taking care of myself? Oh, boy. I'm trying. In a way, yes, as we have let ourselves be run over by people for the last time (I hope). Our house is our own. I think that is a step in the right direction. Am I doing something that makes me feel good about myself? Well, caring for my son does that. I need to start back with more photography or crocheting or something, though.

But overall, and this is the most important thing, I am happy. That's the part that worried me the most. Yes, I am stressed. Yes, I worry all the time. But I am happy.

There is still some work to be done. Changes to be made. And more journeys to take. But I sit here a year later, hardly daring to believe that as I was writing that letter a year ago, our little Peanut was snuggling into my womb.

A year ago, Peanut looked like this:

Now he looks like this:

What an amazing year. Happy 34 to me.

PYHO: What The Hell...

It's Wednesday, and I managed to get a post (mostly) ready on some long calls at work today...one that has been floating around inside me for quite some time...

*Disclaimer - I LOVE my child, more than anything in the world.  I am not complaining.

 

There are days I want to tear my hair out.  There are days I JUST WANT TO SLEEP.  There are days I want a housewife.  That I want to BE a housewife.  There are days I am terrified of this journey called Motherhood.

 

There are days I wonder "What the HELL were we thinking?"

 

I mean, really, we thought we could be PARENTS??? 

 

Actually, I think the issue is more mine.  Hubby has not faltered once.  I think he has found his calling.  I feel like an oaf so many days.  I feel as though I don't know how to interact with my son.  Like I should be doing more.

 

I feel like I never have time to myself.  But the thought of leaving them alone and going to do something for myself feels wrong.

 

I put him down to sleep in his cradle, feeling like I need to get him used to sleeping on his own.  And then I lay on the edge of the bed, arm dangling so I can hold his hand. 

 

Right now mothering is all about needs.  It's pretty basic, right? Umm, no.

 

And realistically, this is the EASY time!  Right?  OMG, soon there will be crawling.  And then talking.  And school and "Mommy mommy mommy".  And teaching right from wrong.  And OMG a TEENAGER.  GAH!

 

I know it's a one day at a time thing.  I know that.  But I am so exhausted.  Sometimes I wake up with him in the bed with me and have no recollection of getting him out of the cradle!  I wonder how I ever thought I was ready for this!!!  HA!

And yet, I know, somewhere deep inside as I cuddle him after work, or wake up to him snuggled up to me, that we will figure it out as we go along.  That's how parenting works.

And the thoughts of, "When can we do this again?" ride heavy on my heart...but that's a topic for another week.