Well, That's That

After a fabulously relaxing 24 hours at my mom's with P, things came crashing down.

Just before I was to leave to head home, Hubby called.  The shit hit the fan here.  And I can't write about it here due to privacy issues, but let's just say, it could have been a LOT worse.  And I am thankful that I wasn't here, P wasn't here, and Hubby is okay.

We were discussing the next morning bumping up the "everyone has to be out of our house" timeframe due to the events of Sunday, when Hubby's boss called...

Now, he is an independent contractor, and someone new took over their division about 6 months ago, and things have been rocky since then.  The f'ing idiot running it is clueless.  Long story made short, he pulled Hubby's contract due to the fact that he felt that Hubby had been doing his job incorrectly all this time.  In reality, he didn't pay attention to how it had been done (the boss that is).

Which means we just lost over half our income.

And...since he is independent, he cannot claim unemployment.  Yeah.  Awesome.

The irony of this?  I just put in my application yesterday morning for a new job with first day benefits and $20k in IF coverage which would allow us to use our frosties THIS YEAR.  Which we've decided is what we want.  And just pray my body handles it if I do in fact manage to get pregnant.

So what now?  Well, Hubby has been picking up paper routes when people are on vacation.  We are thinking he is going to pick up more, and try to get hired on as a utility driver, which means he delivers the papers that get missed or people who couldn't get it done on their regular routes due to being ill or something.  The paper routes themselves are basically cash payment.  He is also working on scrapping with the neighbor.

And I am contacting WIC this week.  Hopefully today.

We will make things work.  We always do.  We're good at being scrappy.  But my shit luck, man.  We were just getting a handle on things.

So, the house will be all ours again by July 15 (you have NO IDEA how happy I am about this!), and now we just figure out how to make ends meet...again.

Wish us luck, you guys.  We need a little right now.

42 Years

This week 42 years ago was the official beginning of the Gay Rights Movement in NYC.  The Stonewall Riots are really what got things moving.  And through the years, things have been very stop and go.

It's not that long ago that I was in college in Lancaster, PA.  There was all of one gay bar, The Tally Ho, and going there meant sometimes putting your welfare in danger.  People would drive by and chuck things at us.  My girlfriend and I were terrified to hold hands.  We were THE ONLY openly gay couple on a campus of 8,000 people.  Even the local cops knew us.  We fought hard for any sort of respect on campus, often thwarted by uber Christian Right groups in a very Catholic town.  We did what we could to open people's eyes, to show them that we are just like everyone else, including implementing a "Speak Out" program in which we went to invited classrooms to tell our stories and answer questions.  It helped.  A lot.  But it's always been a long battle.

This past weekend, NY became the 6th State to pass an equal marriage law.  Notice I said "equal marriage" as opposed to "gay marriage"?  Although...all marriages should be gay!  As in happy!  All should also be equal, but hey, I can't make either of those happen.  However, I think it is important that if our Constitution says that we are all created equal, then our laws should uphold that.

NY passing this law effectively doubles the number of people in our country now able to marry whomever they choose (except, you know, your cousin or other blood relative).  It's about time.  And for such a large state, with such an influential status, to pass this is a huge thing.

Pride this weekend was a victory party, with stories of lovers able to marry partners after years and years and years.

I can only hope it continues, spreads...that recognition of equality becomes the norm instead of a battle.

42 years is a long time...let us hope that it doesn't take another 42 years for this to become the norm.

Friday Night Leftovers: Crazy Week



Littlest holding Niece, Sister holding Peanut, myself on Father's Day

 Friday Night Leftovers on a Friday?  Say it ain't so!!!  LOL.

• It's been a hell of a week.  Glad for a couple days off that will (hopefully) not involve a doctor, limping, or large quantities of tissues.
• I suppose I should explain.



Me, Dad, and Peanut



• I have been sharing a cold with Peanut for about 2 weeks now.  I have it worse than he does, and it lowered my immune system - resulting in a minor case of mastitis. Yeah, that was fun.  The infection led to my cold getting way worse.  Vicious cycle.  So, between P, and myself, I have missed 4 days of work in 2 weeks.  Eep!
• That is no bueno, and I imagine I will be getting a talking to at work.  But what can I do?
• I have tendonitis in many joints, and one of the worst is my right foot.  Usually everyday activities do not bother it at all.  Sunday I stepped out of my shoe funny and OWWWWW!  So on and off all week I've had shooting pain up my foot and aching all the way up to my knee.  Sigh.  Trying to be very careful of how I walk. 
• Sunday was Father's Day as you all know, I'm sure, and the sisters who are on the Dad side of things took him out to lunch.  LilSis has a different dad, and was not there.  It was actually quite nice! 
• I just lost half my dang post!!!  Fuh-get-abaht-it. 
• I don't feel like putting it all back in, so OH, WELL!  You are going to miss the SEX bullet point! 
• I forgot to post about P's 3rd month, but I covered most of the info last week in the leftovers so I don't feel too badly about it. I will try to get some comparison pics up so you can see a real difference from newborn preemie to 3 month old who looks like a newborn, LOL. 
• We are going to have our house back to ourselves VERY SOON as we have retracted all offers of couches, basements, etc.  We want our house to us since we have very rarely had that, and not since we have had P.  Time for it to be a family home.  I CAN'T F'ING WAIT!
• That's it.  Or else I will never stop, or I will cover things which truly need their own post.  Happy Friday!  Go enjoy it!

Praying To....?

When it comes to religion, I am, well, not anti-religion.  But it's not for me.  I was not raised in the Church, and any forays there for weddings, funerals, what have you, made me uncomfortable.  I was a hat counter, LOL.  As soon as I was old enough, I bowed out.  And this was just for your basic Easter, Christmas Eve service. 

I wouldn't go so far as to say I am an atheist.  Agnostic is more like it.  At the same time, I do consider myself to be greatly spiritual, and I do see a difference between a practiced religion and that.  If I HAD to label, I would say I am more pagan in my beliefs. 

And yet...

Once upon a time, within the last year, in fact, I found it so incredibly annoying if, when hearing of my IF issues, that people would say they were praying for me.  It made me uncomfortable.  More than you can imagine.  Or when someone says "God bless you" and they aren't saying it because you sneezed. (I say "gesundheit").  I feel like if there was a God, of the sort that so many in the world worship, why would he let the things happen that he does?  I know that even those with faith fight those feelings.

Anyway, why did it bother me?  No one is forcing anything on me when they say that...they are simply wishing the best for me.  And so I no longer balk upon hearing or seeing those words.

To say I don't pray would be a lie.  I think even the atheists among us practice some sort of prayer.  What, after all, is a wish made verbal or sent out among the energy waves?  What is it if I send you positive energy?  I am praying for the best, wishing you weren't going through what you are, hoping it gets better.

I say things like, "Please let my baby be strong."  "Please let me be able to provide for him as long as he needs."  I am not saying these things to Hubby, to someone in front of me, to a living thing.  I am throwing them out there to the universe to hopefully be picked up by...something.

I don't believe in an all-knowing God.  Or Allah.  I believe in wise men.  I believe in Science.   And I believe in the power of Mother Nature, our Earth, Gaia, Ewya if you will.  That all things are connected.  That sometimes, things do happen the way they are supposed to, no matter how horrid.  I believe in Fate.

And I pray.  There is no other word for it, no matter how hard I try to avoid it.  I pray for all of you, that your dreams of Motherhood come true.  That I can figure out what our next step is.  That I made the right decision bringing a child into this crazy world.  That my friends and family will be okay.

I worship when I lay in the grass and feel growth and renewal and health.  I worship when I turn my face to the sun and bask in its warm rays.  I worship when I float on an ocean current, or listen to the whisper of leaves in the breeze.

Maybe my Church isn't a building, and maybe I fight the norm, and avoid words like "pray" and "God" and Bibles and Korans.  But in recent times, I have realized that it is okay for me to say that I am praying for you, not just thinking of you.  It is okay for me to throw a hope out on the wind, a wish on a star...

Because we all need it.  We need that positive energy.  And that is what a prayer is.

Does it matter if it isn't aimed at any entity in particular?  I think not.

After all...it's the thought that counts, right?

From Trashy to Green and Thriving

We rent half of a duplex, and our LL is a lazy fuck.  The yard SUCKED - a LOT.  Now, we don't plan on being here forever, but there is a solid chance it will be at least another year.  Either way, we couldn't stand having a useless yard, small though it was.  So...we transformed it :-)  And now it's respectable.  There are a couple small things left to complete, but what we've done is beautiful.

This is the start...Nasty bushes, and there was a GIANT rusted metal pole
behind where I took the photo, and MORE bushes.  The grass was mostly
dead or in bunches.

This is now!  Plants in the side bed, sunflowers and others
coming up in the front bed, and vines starting to grow up
to cover the old fence we installed.  (Well, Hubby and friends).

This is Part I of the garden...cukes, zucchini,
yellow squash, and herbs.

Part II - bell peppers and a variety of hot peppers!

Tomatoes!!!

So, that's how you garden with a tiny yard!  The yard is separated into grassy area, and bbq/dog area by that fence.  The back fence was put together from the recycled weird stuff that formally was the walkway.

Even if we ARE renting, I would much rather enjoy the space.  I think the LL should pay US for making it look habitable, LOL.

Book Review: Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay

My sister loaned me a book recently, and I read it in one afternoon.  Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay.  I couldn't put it down.  For all of you who are moms and on your way (ummm, which is pretty much all of you!) this is a MUST READ.

It simultaneously made me laugh out loud and feel better about my bumbling new mother skills.  And let me tell you, some days that is a highly beneficial thing!  She breaks everything down into understandable language, and the humor is awesome.

There are classifications of the different kinds of moms - hysterical even if you find yourself in one of the categories.  Her take on assvice is fantastic.

I have to admit, when I looked at the title, I looked at Sister and said, "Actually, sippy cups would make being drunk a LOT easier!"  Luckily, rather than be disgusted, she told me she'd thought the same thing.  Which brings up a whole other topic...but I won't go there right now.

Anywho, check it out.  Download it to your Kindle or e-reader, go buy a copy, whatever.  Put it in the bathroom...if nothing else, it's great fun for a poop read, LOL.  (Not that I would know...)

But speaking of fun with baby stuff...

Go check out this post about a modern baby shower: http://sarcasm-101.blogspot.com/2011/06/baby-shower-in-brief.html.  It's awesome fun.

That's all for now.  Just had to share the fabulous book with you!




*I was not paid or reimbursed in any way for this.  I simply had to share!

Blessed sleep

Friday Night Leftovers: Trying To Get Back In The Swing

I was so proud of myself for posting TWICE last week...and then I failed horridly this week again. So this is me jumping back in for yet another attempt.

• I downloaded Google Reader to my phone - so now rest assured I AM reading.  I may not be commenting, but I'm sneaking in time to read
• My goodness, I suck at my job. I didn't used to suck.  It's like I just don't care anymore.  Well, I didn't care before, but now I REALLY don't care.  I just want to be home with my Peanut.
• I have realized that BF has it's downsides, besides my production frustration.  Hubby can't take nighttime feedings, etc.  It's all mom, all the time.  So he ends up getting to spend time with him primarily when he is in a good mood, and I get him all the rest.  Which isn't entirely true...it just feels like it sometimes.  
• He is flying into milestones..."talking" some now, especially at his ladybug on his play mat.  Kicking and waving his arms.  The silly faces of course continue.  Focusing on specific things, including me and Hubby.  Still not a terribly smiley baby...once in a while.  Punk.
• P and I are sharing a cold.  Grrrr.
• He is (sometimes) sleeping longer periods at night, but still mostly only if in bed with me.  
• I can't believe he is 12 weeks old, just shy of 3 months!  How did that happen???
• I think I may do a blog of daily photos...or maybe turn the other blog into that since I've been failing miserably at doing that one anyway.  But pictures of my kiddo?  Oh, hell, yeah, that I can manage, LOL.  In which case, do I delete what was on there and start from scratch?  Thoughts? Ideas?
• We have another horrid loss this week: @turtledovin had to deliver her twin girls early this week at just over 20 weeks due to an illness that caused pre-term delivery.  If you are on Twitter, please go give her some love.  Thanks guys. 
• P is now 8.5 lbs even.  That's a weight gain of about 4oz per week, which is fine.  So I am feeling better about my teeny guy.  STILL in newborn clothes 3 days shy of 3 months, LOL.  Talk about getting use out of baby clothes!!!  Unheard of!
• Trying out 3 different types of gas meds...I will let you know the outcome.  
• Got the coolest thing today.  It's a mini-bottle for dispensing meds up to 3 tsp.  See, some don't come with droppers, and those medicine spoons work for shit if your babe is still not on solids.  this is a LIFE SAVER.  Highly recommended.  
• We are switching out of gDiapers....though at this rate he will be in this size for months and months, so I'm probably going to start building the alternate stash now to save us money.  We realized we were spending more than standard diapers.  I like them, but I would also like to save money.  
• I have my first snap peas on the vines!  And peppers starting to form!  I have to do a post about the transformation of our yard.  It's simply amazing!
• I need to start looking for a new job...that or accept the fact that I may be fired.  If it's not for some horrid reason, it could be worth it to collect unemployment...but benefits are kinda important.  I used to be good at the job I hate.  Now I just plain suck.
• My thyroid levels came back normal - I had them tested at my yearly exam.  (BTW, having your PAP and breast exam done while holding a screaming baby is a new experience!), so I can't blame milk production on that.  My GP is unfamiliar with domperidone, so is referring me back to my GYN for that...however, since P is gaining, I'm debating it.  It's just that I will never totally be able to get him off of formula with what I produce.  I produce ENOUGH, but not extra.  Not remotely.  But he is almost exclusively on breast milk at home now, which is cool.  Another week and he should be completely weaned off formula at home.
• I never thought I would be someone to simply throw a receiving blanket or towel down after a diaper blowout, LOL.  Yup, I sleep in pee.  Oh, well.  
• P has a sort of schedule now---sort of.  In that we get up about the same time (on work days), he eats, fusses for a few minutes, then "plays" (i.e. stares at things, makes faces at them, and kicks and wiggles) (the ladybug on his Gymini is his best friend these days) until he is bored.  Then the swing, if he is still in play mode, then a nap.  Now, lately, he will only nap if on me or Hubby, at least to start.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  It's actually nice.  I can get things done while he plays.  
• HE STILL HAS THRUSH.  'nuff said.  
• We are sharing a cold back and forth.  Blows.  I get the worst of it.  Grrrrr.  
• Oh!  I figured out how to have a drink and not affect my supply, LOL.  Start a beer right when he starts nursing.  Doesn't affect that milk.  Effects wear off before next feeding.  This makes for a happy mama :-)  
• I had to start my Ativan again because of work.  Sigh.  But infrequently.  Don't want to mess with P too much.  
• Speaking of P, he is asleep on a boob and it's time to get him and myself into bed...

Happy weekend all!  Official start of summer next week!  Woohoo!

• 
  

Grief

This is turning into not such a good week in our little world.  Not here at my house.  I mean in the world of IF.  And I feel that I must pass along the names/sites of these lovely ladies who are having so much pain.  We need to lift them up.  Please go visit them, give them a kind word, send your positivity out across the interwebs...

BroodyIVFMummy got a postive beta last week, and miscarried this week.  She had just long enough to get excited before disaster hit.  Please go give her some love.

Jer and Carey are one couple.  Two blogs.  This week she had to deliver her triplet boys at 22 weeks after the water broke on Baby A.  2 were born alive, and they were able to hold their babies for a bit before they passed, but this is just tragic.  They could really use our support this week.

Arohanui just found out after numerous IVF cycles that the reason she has not had any success is that her DS will not fertilize her eggs, and they discovered it too late for ICSI.  What a hard hit!!!

BuiltInBirthControl had to deliver her twin girls at 22 weeks.  For the 2nd time in as many years.  Not once.  Twice.  I can't even imagine the heartache.

@MaternalTurtle (Twitter handle) lost her baby this last week at 15 weeks, and had to undergo surgery today to terminate the pregnancy.  She is devastated, understandably.

The others have Twitter handles as well, but figured you all could hit them up on their blogs.

My heart is broken.  For 2 days now I have done nothing but thank the Powers That Be for my miracle, for my body responding to meds and keeping him in long enough, for the luck bestowed on us by the IF Gods.  I honestly cannot imagine what these ladies and gentlemen are going through.  I can barely stand it.  It honestly is most likely going to affect our decision regarding our Frosties....but that is a post for another day.   Right now we all need to focus on these families, their grief, and do anything we can to help them through it.  I know many of you have experienced losses like this...please be a source for them as others were for you.

And go cherish what you can in your life...

Nana's: A Day In Pictures

Mom!  What are we doing?  I don't think I like this!  BTW, your hair looks
ridiculous.  Work on that, will ya???

Actually Mom, this was a pretty good idea.  Don't mind me, I'm just gonna take
a nap here for a bit.  Can you teach Nana to use the camera, though?

Man!  That swim wore me out!  Gonna hang with Grandpa and Cousin.  Zzzzz...

Auntie Sister decided a photo shoot was in order...but she
has trouble with the camera, too!

She took a lot of silly photos...I wasn't in the mood.

Oh!  Nana!  Hi!  What are you doing way up there???

Awww, I'm sorry Nana.  Mom said we have to leave now...

Friday Night Leftovers: I'm Alive!!!

Hey, it's my Friday, that counts, right?  Well, it has to.

• I suck.  I will say it out loud.  I keep trying to fit blogging into my schedule and I am failing miserably.  Which is sad, because I'm not even working full time!  I promise to do better...I know I have missed A LOT!!!
• I am alive.  I promise.  This going back to work thing has really thrown a wrench in my flow.  And it turns out that 4 months off did NOT help my performance any.  Le Sigh.
• The sperm bank sends me emails about specials and newsletters.  Seriously, I'm not sure which is funnier, the fact that I get emails from a sperm bank, or the fact that they run specials.  LOL.  
• I have FINALLY gotten a couple smiles from P, but not in about a week now.  I swear, he is teasing me.  He is VERY serious...like I was as a baby.
• AWESOME site for BF'ing: Kellymom.com - a woman at work with whom I pump directed me there.  It makes me feel better, because apparently I pump what is normal, and all of you 4oz and up people are over-producers.  This doesn't really stop the frustration, but at least I know that I'm not really UNDER-producing.
• Fenugreek is cool - if I forget deodorant (allllll the time) it is okay because I smell like pancakes :-)
• If I am lucky, I put my hair back in clips, brush my teeth, shower, and manage deodorant all in the same day.  That's an AMAZING day.  
• My nails are a mess.  I had them done while PG and then removed.  They were growing out and with the baby, I can't stand to deal with them, so I'm damn near biting them again.  In lieu of that I obsessively trim them.  I'm considering having them done again, but I wash them so frequently I think it's a bad idea.  But it would make me feel like less of a frump, ya know?
• I am shocked at how well I can function on only a few hours of sleep with NO caffeine.  But I am EXHAUSTED all the time.  
• Still co-sleeping. I gave up.  Fuck it.  If it means I get more sleep, so be it.
• P is acting just like he should for his ADJUSTED age, which is reassuring....but man I want smiles.  No....my kid CRIES when I walk in the door.  Because he wants me, but still....
• Things here at the house have been tense.  I made a social networking faux pas.  But it seems to be better.  And our yard is looking FANTASTIC!  I have to get photos for you guys!  It's tiny, but it looks sooooo much better.  
• Have I mentioned I am exhausted, LOL.  And I wouldn't change it for a minute.
• I miss you guys, though.  Must get back into reading up on everyone.  I feel soooo out of the loop.  
• I know there was more...but see 2 bullet points up - I can't remember ANYTHING.
• Oh, I know.  I have not lost any weight since that first full week home.  I am curvy. I gave in and bought pants.  Curves it is.  It will come off or it won't.  Who knows.