A Letter To Myself

Dear 34,

As I write this, you have just turned 33, and sit amazed at all the last year has brought.  You are in your "2ww" for an IVF cycle, the only one you said you would do, and the doctors gave you an excellent chance of success.  You have spent a number of the last months on an emotional rollercoaster the likes of which I sincerely hope you do not have to go through again. 

I wonder...are you now the mother of a child or 2?  Or are you moving on, or perhaps have you just done an FET?  Have you found a new job that doesn't make you crazy?  Was 33 better to you than 32 was? 

There are some things I want you to remember, whatever the outcome was of that 33rd birthday.  So, when you read this, try to remember where you were a year ago.

You are beautiful, you are strong, and you are a good person.  And while it seemed like it at the time, it's not the first time you've been through some seriously bad times.  Granted, it was the worst of those times, but you did what you needed to do to get through it, and don't feel guilty about things you may have done or said.  Self-preservation is necessary. 

Have you started taking care of yourself as well as you try to care for others?  Have you found something to occupy yourself that makes you feel good about yourself?  And I really want to know....are you a mother to children you bore of your own body?  I really want to know that...

But most of all, I want to know if you are alright, if you are happy, if this past year gave you what you needed, and in some cases, what you wanted.  If not, find what makes you happy again, and go do it.  Somehow....You are beautiful, you are strong, and you are a good person.

Love,

33

Precious Cargo On Board

I am lying in the clinic staring at 2 gorgeous hatching blasts, Itsy and Bitsy. And so amazed that they are inside me, that I am sort of pregnant, kind of...

All of our embabies are still growing, though they don't think all will make it to freeze. We won't know that for 2 more weeks.

Doc gives us a 65% chance of success...33% chance of twins! Itsy and Bitsy, I hope you stick around :)

Tomorrow is a double post day, fair warning. And Saturday I will do the Giveaway announcement. Today I am enjoying this glow...

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What Makes A Father

A couple of weeks ago I stumbled across this, a FANTASTIC post about what makes a Father. More importantly, what makes a Dad. It made me weep.

She and her DH are also going to be using DS, and so the question of nature vs. nurture comes up. And I get it. I think there is a lot of both involved, but I think HOW a child is raised can overcome a lot. And I think a lot of behaviors and personality traits come specifically from the nurture side of the camp.

Anyway, back to focus. All of this has been very hard for Hubby. He feels like such a failure. Because even without my tubal issues, he will not be genetically involved. But he's come to accept that, because he knows it is still OUR child. Our sweat, and tears, and blood, and LOVE that are going into making this child (come on, Magic 8 Ball!!!). He is the one who will be there, not Mr. F1738, and that's all that matters, in the long run.

We joked about getting DS from someone who was totally not like Hubby, and then went with someone who, based at least on the very basic description, is similar to him. Just so it's kinda there, that link. And I made a concession...

I am one of the last remaining Binsau's in this country. We have my grandmother (obviously done having kids), my dad (definitely done), and 2 of my sisters and I. Sister has already taken her husband's name, so Niece will have his name. Littlest will most likely go the traditional route, based on conversations we have had. LilSis has a different dad, so not part of the deal. My step-mom (who, btw, deserves massive props for taking care of me at ER - I didn't post about it, but it didn't go well for me, and she took care of me...) kept the last name when she and Dad divorced, but there will be no more kids there. That left me. I kept the name. And our kids were going to have the name, to carry it on.

Until this. What was more important to me? A name? A dwindling name? (Even in Germany there aren't many of us) Or my husband feeling like he has some part of this kid? So I asked him, told him to mull it over, and get back to me. And he did. He would like them to have his name. And I have conceded (though it pains my liberal feminist ass to do so), and when our kid arrives, my family name ends.

He needs that tie, that knowledge that something about this child is part him. And I get that. Even as I know that, regardless, he will be that child's DAD, not just father, and love her and play with her, and somehow figure out how to stop gagging at vomit so he can heal her. And that matters more to me than a name.

How Would YOU Share the News?

We have ALL thought about it. We have all DREAMED about it. How we will share our news with our SO, with our parents, with our friends, with the WORLD. We have plotted, hoped for the best time of year, and rehearsed in our heads.

The downside of IF is that if you are out about it (which is AWESOME!!! - Educate!!!), then everyone and their mother knows you are trying, where you are in a cycle, etc. It takes away some of the surprise. If you aren't out....well, then, just like the rest of us, you are TERRIFIED to jinx yourself by telling someone.

Which all means that we MAY not be able to do the things we want when sharing our news. So I propose that we do it here. Share how you want to announce your pregnancy, or, if you have already had that opportunity how you did it or wish you could have done it. Write a post about it, and let's share that dream here, where it's safe, where all things are possible, where no one will think we are nuts.

Here I go!


When DH and I started trying for baby a couple of years ago, we were also planning our wedding. We hoped to be KU by the wedding, since we knew it was the only chance of both families being in the same place at the same time probably EVER. Our wedding favors were seed packets of wildflowers with our names, etc, on them. (I still have some somewhere...I hope...) If we got prego, I wanted to buy Baby's Breath seed packets, and have the stickers on them have the due date...and include those with the favors. I thought it would have been a great way to announce. And that was the plan, though not with the wedding, but by mail, right up until our diagnoses.

Now I'm not sure. My mom is well aware of the exact timing of the cycle. Because she is making an effort. No one else in the family is really asking about the specific dates. So I don't know. And it's not like it's a surprise, really. I mean, they know what we're doing. But I still want to do some sort of a surprise. So maybe I can swing the seed packets. Though, I am super-tempted to mail everyone a positive HPT. LOL. Cleaned, of course. Because I plan on peeing on a LOT of them when we get our BFP. A LOT. So, I'll have plenty to share :) And I want "open on" dates on them so we can call everyone and have them open together. But again, everyone in my social group will know right away, I'm sure. So I'm not sure how to proceed at this point. And yes, I said "when" -- the Magic 8 Ball has been very certain as of late.

I also somehow want to be able to surprise Hubby. But again, how to do that? He'll know we're waiting on lab results....but I want it to be at least a little special, right? I mean, it's probably the only time I will get to tell him! Still bears more thought. But the original plan....*sigh*...I really liked it.

Remember! Giveaway! Go HERE and enter! I am having a difficult time figuring out if some are entries, so I really appreciate those of you who said you WEREN'T entering. I will assume all others are. I am going to run it through tomorrow night before doing a random pick for the winner. And then hopefully bum a computer to make the copies. LOL.

Transfer pushed to Thursday or Friday...I can't help wondering how our little embabies are doing. The wait is annoying.and frustrating. But no news is good news, right?

I LOVE MY BLEEPS!!!!

All heat, no ice, smooth like butter. I love you all for making my butt happier and DH not feel so terrible for hurting me. Plus, everyone really enjoys my booty massage dance post-injection.

Thank you so much!

Perfect Moment Monday: Cliche, but oh, well

It's cliche, and I simply don't care. Because in a week of crazy hormones and soreness, and anesthesia, and work, and all kinds of stress, the SHINING moment was getting the call about my fert report yesterday. Because for the first time in all of this, I felt some real and true hope. Without lying about it. Without stretching. True, grinning and tearful HOPE.

What was your perfect moment? You've got one. I know they can be hard, but I'm sure you can think of ONE. So, write about it, and go over to Weebles Wobblog to share and participate!

And don't forget about the GIVEAWAY! I'm going to extend until Wednesday night, so go participate if you are interested. Circle & Bloom goodies!

Sorry for the super crabby post last night. Just when I think I have gotten this down pat, there is another curve ball. My ass is still on fire...sigh.

OMFG

1st PIO shot done...and I was a huge baby and I am not a happy camper. I knew it would be bad, just didn't know how bad.

So on top of the fact that I am so bloated that I look like I swallowed a cantaloupe, I now can't sit. Having a SERIOUS bitter moment that regular old sex won't knock me up.

P.S. Just got another Pg announcement via text...which makes 2 people on my team of 15 who are KU. Need. To. Breathe.

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