Hanging On By A Thread

Not Finn, me.  I promise he's okay.

He met his big brother today...who was NOT impressed and barely made an effort.  He misses me.  He's confused and stressed and overwhelmed.  Much like me.  Much like Hubby.

Finn also pulled out his NG tube twice, and undid his diaper so he could pee all over everyone.  Basically...he's just as much trouble as his big brother already.  Send help.

I've spent the day gathering information from LC's and a pediatrician friend and doula friends regarding my medication laced boob milk.  The neonatologist won't let me use it.  I won't let him fight me.  I won't get into it here, but I have the support I need and since I plan on breastfeeding when I leave the hospital, why fight me here?  The hospital LC will be available tomorrow and I am ready to do battle.

In between information gathering sessions, I was hobbling over to the NICU to pump and cuddle.  I got in 4 pumping sessions today (not as much as I wanted, but I'm doing my best here!).  First one I was so encouraged - got nearly 7ml of colostrum.  5ml the 2nd.  1.5ml the third.  None the fourth.  Sigh.  I realize that I am just past the 24 hour mark with a preemie c-section delivery, but it's frustrating.  So much.  Can't it just go right just once?

Finn is enjoying the kangaroo care...he is so tiny.  Bigger than P was, but next to giganto toddler, he seems just as little.

I'm exhausted.  Ambien tonight.  Might be my only chance for sleep for goodness knows how long.  I am feeling terribly alone.  Twitter and Facebook were my saviors today.  Hubby has no phone right now.  He worked this morning, brought P here for 10 minutes and had to turn around and go home.  It's a half hour drive.  He has his hands full with P and work.  I don't even know what we're going to do tomorrow!  Hopefully roomie can come home early from work for when Hubby goes in.

We just weren't ready for this yet.  I don't have containers for my breast pump.  I'm so glad my friend came Thursday and we got so much done or we'd be up shit creek! P is not dealing well.  I'm going to be leaving before Finn, and then have to juggle pumping, a toddler, and somehow getting here to see Finn.  Didn't I say last week I wasn't ready?  I guess P thought I was.  Still shaking my head over the fact that P made me go into labor.

This NICU stuff is hard, and Finn is really only JUST needing it.  I don't know how my friends who have spent weeks or months in the NICU did it.  I'm going bonkers.

Speaking of which, it's time to head back over for the last time tonight.  One more pump and cuddle before I turn in.  Hoping I wake up a couple times to be able to pump overnight.

I leave you with some photos of today!

P is NOT impressed.  All he wants is a cuddle from Mama...which is not going well.

Kangaroo care

Eyes open for a minute.