It couldn't have been rape. Because I had already consented. We were already in the throws.
It couldn't have been rape. Because this was someone for whom I deeply cared, and assured me he cared for me.
It couldn't have been rape. Because there was no FORCE.
It couldn't have been rape. Because I was there of my own accord.
I have spent 4 months telling myself this. The fact that I can't let anyone touch me is irrelevant. The fact that I panic the moment I feel I've lost control. The fact that the panic is that all encompassing screaming huddled in a corner type of panic. The fact that I felt guilty for letting him down. The fact that when I remembered it I nearly crashed the car with my son in it. These facts didn't matter. It wasn't rape.
It was emotional disregard. It was a breach of trust. It was a misunderstanding. Whatever it was, it wasn't rape.
And I made progress. Hell, I even conceived a child a couple months later. It wasn't rape.
Last night it all came flooding back when I tried to be intimate with Hubby. When I nearly punched him. When I screamed, cried, curled in a ball. Covered myself with a robe because I had to be hidden. Tried to huddle in a corner. Felt guilty for letting HIM down now.
You know what? It was rape.
It was rape.
Maybe now that I can call it what it was I can get the help I need.
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Shit G. I'm so f'ing sorry you are dealing with this.
ReplyDeleteRape is so hard, G. Mine was nearly 20 years ago and I still have flashbacks from time to time. It stopped my husband and I from being intimate the first time (and for times after that), and it takes a lot to work through it, but YOU are stronger than what happened. You are. Sometimes it may not feel that way. When you are cowering in a corner or trying to wash away the memory in the shower or trying to enjoy a moment when that memory comes out of the blue to sucker punch you... But you are. Deep down, in the place where that awful trauma cant touch, YOU- the you that makes you YOU- will fight this beast.
ReplyDeleteIf you ever need to talk, I'm here. :) Hugs, dear one.
I'm proud of you for having shared this. maybe now you can face it and like Michele has said, realise that you are much stronger and will find your equilibrium again. Love, Fran
ReplyDeleteSending you lots of love. Know that I'm always here to chat, or listen. Keep up the good fight, sister. xo
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry but hope getting this out helps...
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie! I'm so sorry. You've been through way too much. This post is very brave and I hope that putting it into words can help you heal.
ReplyDelete