Friday, March 2, 2012

Open Mouth, Insert Foot or How I Fucked Up Royally

I have talked about dealing with mental illness.  I have talked about my probably bipolar disorder.  I have even talked about how it sucks, the ups, the downs.  I have covered how the downs affect my life and ability to function.  What I've never covered is how the ups can be a bitch, too.

Now is as good a time as any.  I have been manic lately.  Not productively manic, but behaviorly manic.  I have boundary issues, issues recognizing appropriateness in situations sometimes, issues with impulse control.  Well, open mouth, insert foot.

I did something incredibly stupid.  I can own that.  No excuses other than that I really...just...didn't think.  Just did.  I sent out a joke at work.  That I shouldn't have.  And to top it off, it seems that I have repeatedly made coworkers uncomfortable in the past month or so.  Not that anyone brought that to my attention.  Oh, no.  Because that would have made sense.  So I could change my behavior.  Nope, they just held onto it.  So that when I fucked up big, which I did, they had fuel for the fire.

I got hauled into HR yesterday and basically told they had every right to fire me...which they do.  I fucked up.  I'll say it again.  I. Fucked. Up.  I can say it.  But it doesn't make me feel any better.  I left early before they could complete their corporate, involved process of firing me.  Which means Sunday I will get to drive in to be told to drive right back home.

I am a wreck.  I cried for hours yesterday.  Hours.  I have never been fired.  And really, now?  Basically, this kills the house.  Most likely.  I mean, the mortgage stuff is nearly handled, but if they find out I no longer have the job that got me the mortgage...yeah.  I don't even know.

I have failed my family.  My son.  My husband.  And the worst part is, I can't really fix it.

It's got me thinking that I should maybe be treated for bipolar after all. (Well, when I have health insurance again).  But at what cost?  Where do I go in that?  Does the me I know disappear?  Or do I just become a stabler version of me?  I have seen people change so much on meds.  Maybe not for the better.  I don't know.  But it seems obvious to me that something has to change.  And right now...I just don't know what to do.

Remember this post about wanting to just RUN?  I am so there.  Again.  I am out of control, and I recognize that.  That means little to a corporate employer.  And I didn't even know how to voice that.  But again, it matters little to them.  The last time I was this out of control was 2 years ago, right around now, when we had found out about Hubby's XXY diagnosis, and then my blocked tubes.  I was crazy.  I took leave, alternating between days of crying endlessly and days of erratic behavior.  (4 piercings and a tattoo in one week anyone?).  My body has acquired a lot of new ink lately (free, thank you very much).  My stomach is so fucked up I cannot eat (official IBS diagnosis last week), and I have lost 5 lbs in the last week alone.  Okay, that part I'm not complaining so much about.

Our friends have leapt to the challenge...sending me virtual hugs from FB and Twitter.  Move to Texas!  Move back to WI!  Time to wipe the slate clean!  Find something you love to do!  Once upon a time that was the easy thing to do.  We did it 3 years ago.  And if I step back and take a look at the big picture, it brought us P.  For which I am so grateful that words can not express how much.  How do we leave family?  Friends?  Community?

You know what sucks, guys?  I am GREAT at my job. I hate it.  I hate the company.  I hate the bullshit.  But I am good at my job.  No complaints there.  But I blew the personal interaction bit.  Blew it because I am out of control and have lost sight of how to behave.

What do we do?  How do I fix this?  How do I go in there Sunday and face people who have apparently been complaining about me and I had no idea and be normal?  Please, someone, make a decision for me, because obviously I am incapable.

14 comments:

  1. Have you been to BandBackTogether.com?

    Go there.

    Next, maybe you're not getting fired. Maybe you were just given the opportunity to have a big wake up call. Maybe you're going to rule the world.

    OR, maybe that instinct to run is valid. Maybe it's time for something new? In a place that is less expensive to live? Where you could all thrive? I don't know what the answer is, but I'm here to hug you and tell you that I'm here anytime.

    ReplyDelete
  2. While I do agree, it's important to take responsibility for your actions (for everyone to), I also feel that if you have bipolar,you have a disease. So it's not like another person resisting an impulse. Would you blame a diabetic or even an sutistic person for doing what they do? No. The aftermath, yes, you must deal with, but... please don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe this opportunity will open other things up for you. Take this as an opportunity to think about what meds you are on, or warning signs that your mania was getting out of control, so that you can be prepared for next time. I'm so sorry you are losing your job... :( Thinking of you.

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  3. While I do agree, it's important to take responsibility for your actions (for everyone to), I also feel that if you have bipolar,you have a disease. So it's not like another person resisting an impulse. Would you blame a diabetic or even an sutistic person for doing what they do? No. The aftermath, yes, you must deal with, but... please don't be too hard on yourself. Maybe this opportunity will open other things up for you. Take this as an opportunity to think about what meds you are on, or warning signs that your mania was getting out of control, so that you can be prepared for next time. I'm so sorry you are losing your job... :( Thinking of you.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Honey, sending love. Before my commments, love.

    I think you should go back on Sunday and apologize and ask for another shot. Explain what you are going through. It may change nothing, but at least you are owning it, and that is the first step.

    A friend of mine suffers depression. For years, she refused to medicate because she didnt want to lose "her". It wasnt until she made a pass at my husband that nearly cost her our friendship and her marriage that she got help. We were there with her because we recognized that she needed help, and this was what pushed her over the edge to getting the help. It took a therapist change, medication, the dissolution of her marriage, more medication changes, the support of people who love her and her wonderful therapist, to get to where she is today. It hasnt been easy, but she's not only the real her, but she's a happy her. And that means the world- to her and to all of us. If you have a chemical imbalance, medication just makes you the you that you really are, balanced. It will take time to find the right combo and dose, and those days will suck ass and make you want to throw in the towel. But with the proper doc, therapist, and support system, you can be the you that you are- and the you that you want to be.

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  5. Heather and Glass Case both covered everything I wanted to say so I'm just going to offer my {{{Hugs}}} and also, get your ass to a doctor even if you have to go through a public clinic. Many drug companies have programs to help people afford there meds.

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  6. Ok. Hmmm. So have you quit? Because firing someone takes time doesn't it? Time you could use to get another job. I don't really understand what you've done but there's always mileage in going in and apologising to people. Taking responsibility is usually a good step and yes maybe in this case it means looking at your meds etc and seeing of things need to change.

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  7. OMG... Gen...
    We ALL Fuck up!! Everyone does!! The Fuck up does not define who you are, how you handle it does. You own your mistakes, acknowledge your faults, and acknowledge how your actions could have been different. Now, in terms of your job... if you want to keep it, discuss with HR your options and see if you can be put on probation. If this is possible, YEAHHHH,... if not then "it is what it is". You will get another job. If the house falls thru, there will be another house. You have NOT, and I repeat, NOT failed your family. You are a loving mother and wife who has hit some bumps in the road and what you ARE teaching your child is that regardless of the circumstances, you must take responsibility for your actions and learn from them. This is the one of the most important lessons we can teach our children. We learn more because of our FAILURES than we do from our successes.

    NOW, about what to do with your future... see what happens with your job, if it works out great!!!... but, I really and truly believe you should explore more options with regards to your photography. You are AMAZING at it and I think the creative outlet would give you some options to help naturally stabilize your manic-ness. The nice thing is you can build it slowly and take on what you can handle....
    I know we haven't really talked in a long time (totally my fault :)) but the Gen I remember was a loving caring person with a lot to offer this world. I can not believe this has changed!! This is evident by the responses from your friends on FB...
    In regards to the Meds... Find someone good to talk to... Work thru the manic modes and get your meds right... Having a 3rd party to listen to you may just be what you need :) Also, alot is happening in your life and this could have been a trigger for you... Stress can be our worst enemy...
    You must remember you are a strong woman with soooooo much to offer!!! Focus on what is good in your life (actually write the list)and build off of that!!! No matter where we are in our lives...I am always here for you :) Always!!! NOW COME VISIT!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. OMG... Gen...
    We ALL Fuck up!! Everyone does!! The Fuck up does not define who you are, how you handle it does. You own your mistakes, acknowledge your faults, and acknowledge how your actions could have been different. Now, in terms of your job... if you want to keep it, discuss with HR your options and see if you can be put on probation. If this is possible, YEAHHHH,... if not then "it is what it is". You will get another job. If the house falls thru, there will be another house. You have NOT, and I repeat, NOT failed your family. You are a loving mother and wife who has hit some bumps in the road and what you ARE teaching your child is that regardless of the circumstances, you must take responsibility for your actions and learn from them. This is the one of the most important lessons we can teach our children. We learn more because of our FAILURES than we do from our successes.

    NOW, about what to do with your future... see what happens with your job, if it works out great!!!... but, I really and truly believe you should explore more options with regards to your photography. You are AMAZING at it and I think the creative outlet would give you some options to help naturally stabilize your manic-ness. The nice thing is you can build it slowly and take on what you can handle....
    I know we haven't really talked in a long time (totally my fault :)) but the Gen I remember was a loving caring person with a lot to offer this world. I can not believe this has changed!! This is evident by the responses from your friends on FB...
    In regards to the Meds... Find someone good to talk to... Work thru the manic modes and get your meds right... Having a 3rd party to listen to you may just be what you need :) Also, alot is happening in your life and this could have been a trigger for you... Stress can be our worst enemy...
    You must remember you are a strong woman with soooooo much to offer!!! Focus on what is good in your life (actually write the list)and build off of that!!! No matter where we are in our lives...I am always here for you :) Always!!! NOW COME VISIT!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Well, everything I was thinking of saying has been said. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but definitely realize that everyone screws up sometimes and it isn't a sign of personal failing -- just things that happen. And, yes, I definitely agree that you should talk to HR and explain what's happening and ask that they give you another opportunity. It does seem like they've left it open that way right now.

    You are a good person. You're not a fuck-up, you just made a mistake. And, you haven't failed your family.

    Sending much love your way.

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  10. God that sucks. I'm so sorry.

    If you are absolutely sure they are going to let you go do you really have to go back there??

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  11. Oh, I'm sorry. No words of wisdom, I don't have any to add to those already sent by the commenters above me, just wanted to let you know I'm hoping for the best, and that you find a better path, whatever that may involve (this job working out, a different one, medication, or not, whatever...).

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  12. Hey Sweetheart! I'm thinking of you today and hoping that things work out well for you.

    And please remember that a person can fuck up AND still be a fantastic and lovely person (which you are).

    My two cents on medication - part of me was lost while I was on antidepressants but a different part was found. I'm no longer medicated (no longer depressed!) and I feel more integrated. Being medicated helped me tremendously. So you may want to try it out and if you feel too much unlike yourself then stop (keep in mind that you will probably feel terrible at first and will likely have to try several different types so it's an experiment that will take many months or a year, but it may be worth it).

    (((hugs))) sorry you are going through this

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  13. I am bipolar and did not want to admit it to myself or others, and stayed unmedicated for a long time. I also did not want to lose myself. One I agreed to try medication, I realized that the myself I was, wasn't who I liked. I liked the me without the manic episodes, without the mood swings, and without the downs. The medicine they tried me on was serequel and it was amazing. We tried other meds, just because my dr wanted to make sure it was the right one, but it was. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am bipolar and did not want to admit it to myself or others, and stayed unmedicated for a long time. I also did not want to lose myself. One I agreed to try medication, I realized that the myself I was, wasn't who I liked. I liked the me without the manic episodes, without the mood swings, and without the downs. The medicine they tried me on was serequel and it was amazing. We tried other meds, just because my dr wanted to make sure it was the right one, but it was. Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete

Whip me, beat me, take away my charge card. Or just leave a comment. Whichever works best for you :)