Toddler Sleep Avoidance 101

The techniques for avoiding sleep have been passed down through generations of toddlers by a secret network known only to toddlers.  This is a summary of those techniques.

• Cry, scream, hit, bite, scratch.  Aim for sensitive parts.
• Get off bed and run away.
• Jump up and down on bed.
• Start a pillow fight.
• Ask for a blanket.  Spend at least 10 minutes arranging it just so.  Decide you are uncomfortable.  Move.  Start over.
• Ask for more milk/juice/food.
• Ask for your favorite toys.  
• Pretend to fall asleep.  When the adult turns their back, sneak out and hide.  Full length window curtains work really well for this.  When caught, laugh and force adult to carry you.  Flail wildly.
• Pretend to fall asleep.  Sneak out and into someone else's room.  See above for when caught.
• Sing your favorite song over and over.

Feel free to add your own techniques.  

Note:  not all techniques need to be employed on any given night.  Mix and match for best adult patience-rattling results.  Repeat as necessary.  

And remember, NEVER ADMIT THAT YOU ARE TIRED. 

DOWN WITH BEDTIME!!!!

One Day At A Time

Our laptop is on the fritz.  I can't transfer pics right now.  So I don't have any to share, BUT if you follow me on Instagram you can see lots and lots.  @Attilathehippie.  I think...That should be it.

Finn has been home nearly 2 weeks.  How is that possible?  It's a blur.  P - well, he has started occasionally acknowledging him, but doesn't really take pains to be careful around him.  His tantrums are epic and sadly we watch movies all the time.  Battle of wills regularly.  Sadly, he wins sometimes.  Nursing Finn is a full-time job.  Seriously.  I forgot.  I just have to choose my battles.

I'm barely supplementing.  Only when I can't seem to get him satisfied, and then no more than 1.5oz.  I THINK he's gaining.  He hasn't been weighed in over a week, so not sure.  I hope he is!  He certainly screams until his belly is full, so I have to assume it's going alright.  Oh, and what I am supplementing is with donor milk right now, so woot!  WIC has us on formula for June, so at least I can stock up on that in case.

And fuck the "pediatrician".  Medicaid madness leads to having a hard time finding a doctor and what a nightmare she was.  NOT going back.  Except to use their scale.  I'm not even going to get into it.  I wanted to do a post on it, but no time.  Still, it's insurance, so I'm grateful.

Hubby starts full time work with Ikea this weekend.  It's initially seasonal.  But he stands a good chance of getting hired on permanently.  The pay is not great, but if he gets the full 40 hours a week we should be okay.  We have a lot of catching up to do, but it means that for now I can be home with the boys...for what that's worth.  I just hope we can get caught up and take care of some things that HAVE to get done in the next month.  I'm losing my storage unit (and all the photos in it from, you know, my life up until 10 years ago) due to money.  Sigh.  It is what it is.

I have an intake appointment on June 19 at the mental health clinic.  I'm supposed to be calling to check for cancellations and I keep forgetting.  Shit, I can't even remember to call my grandmother.  Tomorrow morning is phone calls and I'll set a reminder to call the clinic Friday.  No way are my meds lasting that long.  I'm weaning even more...but started on Zoloft thank god, so keeping it together.  No major meltdowns in a week.  That's good!

This is a really random update post and I'm sorry.  Just wanted to hop on while I had 10 minutes because I lucked out and both boys are asleep.  Now I'm off to put more patches on P's lovey since he is asleep before 10.

Seriously, pics galore on Instagram.  I promise.

Peace.

Pity Party For One

We Skyped with Nana and Papa this evening.  Nana cried.  I held it back.  Until we were done.  Now I can't stop.

Everything that could have gone wrong with this move has, and we can't go back.  So we must push forward.

I am job hunting.  Way sooner than I would have liked but I don't see another option unless this job that Hubby interviewed for today comes through.  None of the others have.  He's still working about 25-30 hours a week - at minimum wage, basically.  So we have to try to get on the lease so we can at least show that we have to pay rent so that when we report his income we ATlose food stamps.

We can't right now buy stuff that isn't food. You know, like garbage bags, pads...you get the idea.   Laundry is a burden.  At least at my mom's we had a little wiggle room.  We could pay the car insurance, for instance.  I hate this.

I am hormonal.  And scared.  And fucking sweaty because the a/c SUCKS.

I have my 2 gorgeous kiddos (though right now P is stinky, sweaty, and prone to massive temper tantrums...that's for another day), and Hubby is busting butt trying to make this work.  With one car we can't both work days because bloody Texas doesn't like public transportation.  No buses.  Nada.  Well, that and the fact that daycare is crazy expensive.  So it's a moot point.  So, we will never see each other obviously.

I really didn't mean this to be a whiny "woe is me" post.  It's been a rough month.  I know Hubby is feeling the stress but he's big on "we will figure it out."  I need a PLAN.  And that is not forthcoming, not really.

Why did we do this?  Maybe if we'd stayed Finn wouldn't be here yet.

I know better.  What if's don't help ANYONE.

Tomorrow I will be alone with the kiddos for the majority of the day.  This is a terrifying thought.

Please send us a little luck, will ya?

Coming Home

Tomorrow, 12 days after his entry into this world, baby Finn will be coming home.

I have so many emotions surrounding this.  I feel like the last 2 weeks I have been neglecting P, but there was no way around it.  I know he's missed me.  And tomorrow I'm going to turn his world upside down in another way by bringing home a BABY.  I feel guilty about this!

I'm also terrified.  Since I have to supplement right now (hopefully not forever!!!) it takes an hour easily to nurse, give bottle, and pump.  An hour.  Every 3.  I guess it could be worse.  And P really is very independent.  I just have to make an effort to spend more time focused on him when F is sleeping.

And squeeze in chores, and cooking food again...right. No problem.  I will get a groove going.  Oh, and apply for jobs.  Because I REALLY need to get another income coming into the house.  Desperately.  Not that I want to leave the boys, but I just don't see any other option.  I really don't want to leave F this early, especially, but it could take several weeks for anything to really come through, so I'm applying now.  I use pumping time to do applications.

I can't believe he's coming home.  I  can't believe there will be 2 kids in my house.  Life is surreal...

It's Been One Week...

...Since my toddler jumped on my belly and forced the early delivery of my new LO.  I'm not sure where the week went.  Into some abyss of time that happens when your life is a blur of short naps and living between 2 places.

My pumping output still sucks ass.  I started Fenugreek and Mother's Milk tea.  Going to add in brewer's yeast and Red Raspberry Leaf tea.  I have found donor milk, though.  Just need to somehow make room for it in the freezer shared by 4 adults...yikes!  Also have a UTI from the damn catheter.  But the antibiotics make my pee lime yellow, so that's fun.

Today we got the okay to feed on demand with Finn going no longer than 3 hours between feeds.  I could only do that for a few feedings today before needing to leave, so we will see what happens.  Hopefully no weight loss since last night.  Tomorrow I will go in again for 24 hours and as long as we have a feeding plan that works, he could be home Monday or Tuesday.  I need to get a lot done in that time!

He did have 1 Brady today, not sure if before or after doc came as we can't remember, so not sure how that will affect his homecoming.  P is still not interested in him AT ALL, but it's another "we'll see" sort of thing.

Some pics from the last couple days of my boys, big and small.

When I got up to pump the other night I saw this.  Cuteness overload.

That is the light they use at the OB to look up your va-jay-jay.  For him,
a fun toy that makes shadows on the wall.

First photo without his IV and NG tube, this morning.

Caught this sleep smile right before I left today.  Heart.  Melted.

Taken on the stupid phone (as opposed to smart phone) .
Daddy holding him for the first time a week ago.

Staring me down.  We have alert time now!!!

A week...wow.

By The Numbers

Life in the NICU is all about numbers.  Daily weight checks, regular temperature checks, how many mls of milk he gets, how many I pump, if he desats or bradys.  You get the idea.  It's infuriating.  But this week has had so many of them, I thought I'd give you an idea of my week by the numbers.

Times:
I said Saturday, "You can't be born on freaking Star Wars Day.  I forbid it.": At least 10
I said, "So much for not being born on Star Wars Day.": 2
I said, "I can FEEL that!" during surgery.": at least 5

they said, "Really? You can feel that?": 2
the Anesthesiologist pinched me to make sure what the doc was doing didn't hurt as much: 1

I said, "Fuck you!" to a nurse: 1
I apologized to said nurse: 1
I had panic attacks: 2
I cried uncontrollably: 4???
I felt guilty for having to split my time between my boys: still counting
Finn peed on medical staff: 2, including right as they were pulling him out of me.
Finn desat'd or brady'd: I think we are at 5 or 6 now.  His HR is low - he is super chill and tends to zonk out               and forget to breathe.
Finn nursed today on demand: 4
I've been annoyed at my shit supply (again): 417 or so
I've called Finn Phelan: 4
I've told the story about my toddler putting me into labor: 10-20 - it's become the story of the week
I've looked at Finn trying to figure out who the hell he looks like: 3042, give or take
Hubby has held Finn: 1 - juggling childcare makes it hard.  He will see him again tomorrow.

Number of times I pump a day: 8 or so
Amount of milk I get: 20-30ml each session
Number of staples holding my gut together: 25!!!  The incision is bigger this time
Days I waited after release to drive: 0
Weeks early Finn is: 5 weeks 3 days
Possible UTI from catheter: 1
Hours I sleep at a time: 1
Finn's weight at birth: 5lbs 13oz (he would have been 8lbs easy)
Ounces he's lost: 5
Weight gained back: 0 as of right now but not losing, so that's good.
Photos my phone is holding captive that I really want: 1
Weight I GAINED in the hospital: 5 lbs
Chairs P colored on with crayon (which I didn't know was possible): 2

So...that's a little bit of a breakdown of my week.  Kind of.  Mostly for posterity.

Blessed But Bitter

As I was hobbling out of my room on my tree trunk fluid filled legs (thank you c-section) to head to the NICU a mom holding her just born baby was wheeled into the room next to me.  And I thought, "So that's what it's like to hold your baby right away and take him with you immediately."  I was happy for her, for her family.  And not a little bit resentful >_>.

Our family building journey has been, well, a journey.  All kinds of ups and downs and tangents.  Despite all of our struggles, though, I try to remember how blessed and lucky we really are.  One IVF.  One.  And we got P.  It was a rough pregnancy, and P came early with an unwanted c-section, and I didn't get to hold him right away.  But he didn't need time in the NICU and after that initial yuck, he was with me.  So, bitter, yes, but it could have been so much worse.

Finn was, as we know, a complete surprise.  And an uncomplicated pregnancy.  Until, you know, P decided it was time for him to come. And another (horrid) unwanted c-section.  But this time he is in the NICU and I'm trying to split my time between home and NICU.  I can't be there 24/7, not with P at home and Hubby working, albeit it very little.  I want more than anything to have him with me.  I don't want to pump and pray it's enough for him.  I don't want to see him with an NG tube.  But again, I know we are lucky.  He could be worse.  We're looking at another week in NICU as opposed to friends of mine who have gone through MONTHS of this.

We seem to get a taste of the horrid as opposed to the really horrid.  But I'm still bitter.  I know we're lucky, but I'm bitter.  I'll get over it, but I mourn what could have been.  I feel terrible that my body apparently can't stay pregnant full term.  Someone said, "well maybe next time."  I'm done.  There is no more next time.  I only ever wanted 2 children.  I can't handle more.  And even if I did, I'm not sure I trust my body.  I know I don't.

I feel like I sound whiny.  But it's 4 am.  I'm pumping.  My toddler is wide the fuck awake, and my baby is in a fucking warming crib in the hospital.  I'm entitled.  A little, maybe.  I'm also stupid hormonal.

I just wish it could have been different.