Rockin' The Baby

I didn't do Rockin' the Bump...but I couldn't resist posting pics of my little Peanut!!!

He's 16 weeks now!  Wow!  And he has gotten soooo much bigger!

Improptu nap spot!

This is still in the hospital...our wee little one was adorable from day one!

And he has been making goofy faces forever!  

This just cracks me up EVERY time. 

I adore when he curls up like this for a nap or bedtime.

No words necessary, LOL.

He loves his dangly things!

The smiles we are coming to plan on...big grins for all!

To see more adorable baby pics, link up HERE!

30 Day Infertility Blog Challenge: Day 10

10.Other than the song “I Would Die For That,” post a video of a song that has special meaning to you and your infertility journey. Explain it, if you’re comfortable doing so.

Music has been a constant in my life, since before I can remember.  My grandmother sang with the Philadelphia Orchestra (they were invited to Di's wedding!), and my mother and aunt's all sung.  In particular, my youngest aunt is a musician still, who teaches now.  LilSis is an amazing singer, Sister is fairly good.  Someone is always playing music or singing at my parent's house.  My dad can name songs from his generation in as little as 1 note sometimes.  I can't imagine a life without music.

I have always turned to music for solace.  Always.  When I was a bad teenager, my parents didn't ground me, they took my radio.  For me, a much harsher punishment.  One word can often trigger a song from the memory banks and then be stuck in my head for days.  There are many songs which I turn to for comfort.  Many of those remained the same throughout our struggle.  But one, one song in particular, became a beacon of hope for me.  And its words are now tattooed across my rib cage.  

Some of you know this, and some don't.  Either way, here is that song: The Cool Cool River by Paul Simon. Embedding was disabled, sorry :-(


Here are the lyrics;


Moves like a fist through the traffic 
Anger and no one can heal it 
Shoves a little bump into the momentum 
It's just a little lump 
But you feel it 
In the creases and the shadows 
With a rattling deep emotion 
The cool, cool river 
Sweeps the wild, white ocean 

Yes boss. the government handshake 
Yes boss. the crusher of language 
Yes boss. mr. stillwater, 
The face at the edge of the banquet 
The cool, the cool river 
The cool, the cool river 

I believe in the future 
I may live in my car 
My radio tuned to 
The voice of a star 
Song dogs barking at the break of dawn 
Lightning pushes the edge of a thunderstorm 
And these old hopes and fears 
Still at my side 

Anger and no one can heal it 
Slides through the metal detector 
Lives like a mole in a motel 
A slide in a slide projector 
The cool, cool river 
Sweeps the wild, white ocean 
The rage of love turns inward 
To prayers of devotion 
And these prayers are 
The constant road across the wilderness 
These prayers are 
These prayers are the memory of god 
The memory of god 

And I believe in the future 
We shall suffer no more 
Maybe not in my lifetime 
But in yours I feel sure 
Song dogs barking at the break of dawn 
Lightning pushes the edges of a thunderstorm 
And these streets 
Quiet as a sleeping army 
Send their battered dreams to heaven, to heaven 
For the mother's restless son 
Who is a witness to, who is a warrior 
Who denies his urge to break and run 


Who says: hard times? 
I'm used to them 
The speeding planet burns 
I'm used to that 
My life's so common it disappears 
And sometimes even music 
Cannot substitute for tears

The last 2 lines (minus the "and") are the lines I had tattooed on my ribcage.  I wrote about this song for a post last year.  (Incidentally, it has a photo of the tattoo...and my much skinner pre-prego self, LOL) Actually, it was just over a year ago, the day I started my Lupron shots for our IVF cycle!  Holy moly!  (That was July 9th last year...*shakes head* I can't believe it's been a year!)


Anyway, looking at those lyrics, he talks about anger and no way to overcome it, and he talks about hope, and he speaks to a child, about the future, and what he hopes for the future of his child.  I had always loved that song.  And then when IF hit us, it became even more potent.  It spoke to me.  Of our struggle.  Of our hopes.  And, lastly, that sometimes, even the one thing we can always count on cannot always heal us.  When you listen to the song, especially the live one I linked to, you HEAR the anger, you HEAR the hope, you hear the pain.  And that is why those lyrics became my IF tattoo (which is still a work in progress).  


It holds some of my hopes and prayers for my son...and it will always be a song I turn to, when I can't quite speak what I need to, what I feel...

30 Day Infertility Blog Challenge: Day 9

9.What was the first baby or pregnancy-related purchase you ever made? Was it before or after you started trying to conceive? Or was it after you were already pregnant?  Why did you choose that particular item to buy first? If you haven’t purchased anything yet, why not?  

Really good question...I honestly don't remember. Let me think...


Okay.  I am fairly certain that while we drooled over many things during our TTC period, we never bought one thing.  Not a stuffed animal, not a onesie, not a damn thing.  In fact, I didn't want to purchase anything until we passed the first trimester.  I think we received things prior to that, but we didn't actually  buy anything ourselves.  


What WAS the first item?  Ummm, a fetal monitor.  Which never worked for us, LOL.  We never heard the heartbeat.  But we heard P moving and kicking, and that was fun :-)  For him?  Hubby bought a blanket at Christmas, that had one of those bendy flower things in it.  But it has an elephant instead of a flower at the top, and it is wrapped around the rung on the changing table to amuse P while we change his butt.  I think Hubby just thought it was cute.  


I picked out and bought some of the nursery decorations, and a dresser at a yard sale pretty early.  We didn't even buy him cute clothes until very near the end.  We had so much donated that by the time we had the shower, most of what we got were "needs", and that was only 5 or 6 days before he was born.  


I will say that I bought the yarn for the blanket I made him pretty early on, and worked on that for months and months.  Maybe that counts as first?  


It seems so hard to remember details like that now...

Seriously? Why Even Bother?

So, the other day I am driving to work, lalala, listening to the radio, when on comes a commercial.

You know them.  The DRUG commercial.  The "Do you suffer from [insert condition here]? Well, then you should try [insert drug here]!"  This most recent one might take the cake.  I nearly peed myself laughing.

It seems there is a condition called Shift Work Sleep Disorder, where your circadian rhythms are all out of work from weird hours.  (I may also rename this "I have a newborn" condition).  Anyway, the lovely lady goes on to say there is a drug for you!  To help you sleep!  Woohoo!

This drug is called Nu.vigil.

And it has a list of side effects that took the nice lady more than half the commercial to list.  Including many that will land you in the hospital.  Which is why I laughed.  Why bother???  Caffeine, people.  Keeping people awake for thousands of years.

I am not knocking medicines to help.  Hell, I thank Zoloft and Ativan for keeping me sane.  And I NEVER knock painkillers.  Ever.  As an accident prone person, I rely on them a lot.

But a medicine whose risks outweigh the benefits?  We aren't talking cancer here, we are talking sleep deprivation!  It's not to help you sleep, it's to keep you awake.  Like I said, caffeine.  And I bet this pup costs an arm and a leg.  Seriously, it sounded like legal cocaine with all those side effects.

What have we come to?  I laud progress...otherwise we wouldn't have P.  But I think a line has to be drawn in the sand somewhere...maybe it's better to look instead at the progress that has caused us to have jobs that require bizarre hours (aside from things like the medical and protection professions).  Do we really NEED 24 hour support for our phones (yeah, like what I do!)?  Dear me, what did we ever do without cell phones???

You get my point.  Many other countries work significantly fewer hours than we do...and they are doing JUST FINE.  Perhaps rather than creating a dangerous drug to help us stay awake to work jobs that require us to override our natural rhythms, we should look at rethinking our dependency on those things that make those jobs necessary.

Now, we obviously need employment.  But once upon a time, family time overrode work.  It's a freaking nightmare.  This would be akin to solving world violence, I know this.  But really, I think our "values" (and by that, I mean the "American Dream", not necessarily your values or mine personally) have created the need for things like these, and that's what concerns me the most...

30 Day Infertility Blog Challenge: Day 8

8.Share a recipe for your favorite alcoholic drink (or, if you don’t drink, it can be non-alcoholic but make it fun!), and your favorite comfort and/or post-bfn food.


Oh, wow, where to begin?  I haven't had a mixed drink in AGES!


I am a beer connoisseur, microbrews especially.  And dark.  And rich.  I think Guinness is a meal.  Lager is a light beer for me.  I like having a beer - I nurse them for way longer than I should.

I love white wine, but red only in Sangria form.  White Riesling is my favorite.  Wine gets me tipsy fast, but I like that it's light, especially compared to the dark beer I like, so wine is fun.


Hard liquor.  Hmmm.  I used to do shots of tequila like they were water.  I LOVE when a top-shelf margarita is available, complete with Grand Marnier, Patron, and cointreau.  No salt.  Lime flavor.  On the rocks.  Also a fan of Amaretto, rum (especially coconut), and Irish Cream on the rocks.  Can you tell I have a sweet tooth?  LOL.  


Food...oh, man.  What a can of worms.  Mint chocolate chip ice cream with loads of chocolate sprinkles.  Mix that with some cookie dough ice cream.  OMG.  Nummy.  Garlic mashed potatoes.  Shrimp ANYTHING.  Macaroni and cheese, box or homemade, with homemade taking the edge.  And salads to die for with umpteen ingredients.  And french fries with chocolate milkshakes.  Holy foodgasm.  Not even kidding.  I am salivating thinking of it.


I am not posting any specific recipe because it really depends on my mood, but this certainly gives you an idea.  Now I need to go find some food.  I am freakin hungry now, LOL.  

30 Day Infertility Blog Challenge: Day 7

7.If you had gotten pregnant that first month you started trying, how would you have been a different parent? What changes have you made to your parenting style (either current or future) in the time you spent trying to conceive?

I don't know that my style per se would be different, so much as my view of blessings.  I think I would have loved him just as much, but maybe not appreciated the miracle that pregnancy is, even for fertile folk.  

Any thoughts I had of what I wouldn't do or idealized about certain things went out the window in the first week.  Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in all of it.  I hadn't had a style decided, so much as things I DIDN'T want to do.  And those things will not change.  

But I think perhaps I would have tried harder to get him to sleep on his own.  I have no idea if cloth diapering would have occurred to me had I not had so long to think about so many things.   I might have valued my own needs from time to time, taking more of a break.  But being separated from him is almost impossible.  I may not have been that way.

But...

These are things we will never know.  Because they are part of the big WHAT IF? that infertility brings us.  And so I treat each day with him as a blessing.  I treasure every smile, each coo, the weight of him on me sleeping...

He is my miracle.  

Friday Night Leftovers: When It Rains It Pours

• Every time I think things are going in our favor, shit hits the fan. It is getting old!
• As you know, Hubby was fired. He applied for unemployment, and as we suspected, was denied. Because he was independent, his employer didn't have to report his earnings, meaning no proof of employment. 
• The job I applied for doesn't technically post until next month, class to begin in November. Still hoping. 
• Because of our new financial situation, I don't have a clue how we will afford storage for our Frosties. Sigh.
• Remember a couple weeks ago when I said I had tweaked my foot but thought it was just tendonitis?  Yeah...not so much. Stress fracture of the outside metatarsal. I still need confirmation by MRI Monday. And then a podiatrist, when I will hopefuuly get one of those sexy boots. Which can't happen soon enough because I cannot bear weight on my foot AT ALL. Crutches until I have that boot.  Which the ER doc said would probably be 6-8 weeks of good times.
• I cannot believe I am back to being nearly dependent on Hubby for everything AGAIN.  And I can't carry P.  We have multiple floors on our house.  Sigh. I feel so terrible for being a burden once more.
• Speaking of pouring, we got 3" of rain in the basement last night.  Awesome. Not
• Enough of the craptastic stuff.
• P is in alllllll cloth diapers now, and one of these days I will do a post dedicated to that!
• We have moved him into 0-3 mos clothes, which are still quite large.  There are a few newborn sizes I can keep using a bit longer.  Realistically, a lot of the newborn sizes still fit, LOL.
• He looks chubby :-)  At least in the face.  And he has started sleeping more...yay! I mean at night. I feel so much more human.
• The smiles are at last coming fast and furious :-)
• New pump: not getting more milk, but way kinder to my nipples. I will continue until I don't get milk. 
• Thanks to all of you who stopped by Steph's blog to welcome her. You ladies are amazing!
• Have a great weekend!