This Week Brought To You By The Letter V

****Major TMI warning****

You were warned.

Still here?

Okay.  Your choice.

2 weeks ago I was helping Hubby load stuff to take to the storage unit for transport to our new home.  At one point I started getting shooting pains in my crotch.  And when not shooting pains, severe aches.  Like when you have a lot of sex and you feel like your crotch is bruised.  But there was no sex.

I talked to my sister who was also pregnant at the time (not now!!  Niece 2.0 arrived Thursday!!!)  She mentioned varicose veins.  WHAT???  What indignity is this??

It turns out that Vulvar Varicose Veins happen to about 10% (reported) of pregnant women, especially in 2nd and subsequent pregnancies.  I probably triggered them lifting.  I think the percentage must be higher, but who wants to talk about "lightning crotch" to their doctor???

Let me repeat that.

VULVAR VARICOSE VEINS.

With unpacking and moving around this week it has become horrid.  I am swollen and sore and when I have to pee the pressure is awful.  I spend time every day now with an ice pack in between my legs.  Blargh.

To make things MORE fun, because I wasn't miserable enough, today I seem to have developed what we women all love: a zit in my labia.  It's between the folds.  I, of course, can't see it.  But I can feel it.  And it feels like a mosquito biting my lady bits.  A lot.  And with the swelling from the previous issue...sigh.  I just want to lie in bed and weep.

So I am faced with a particularly odd dilemma.  Warm wet compress for the zit...which will make the swelling worse, or just the ice and hope the zit sorts itself out.  Soon.  For the love of Pete, soon!!!

I mean, really?  Varicose veins and a zit?  At the same time?  Either one is horrid.  Together?  I'm wondering who I pissed off karmically.

33 weeks pregnant and counting.  I have benefits next week.  But no money for a midwife so hoping I can track down, quickly, an OB covered by Medicaid who will agree to a VBAC.  That, or I wait until I go into labor and go in at the last possible moment.  So I can push a baby out my very swollen, painful vagina.

I wanted this, right?  Right.

Right now I'm ready to be done.  Just sayin'.

SNAFU - Color Me Surprised

So, the moving guys show up today to pick up all our crap.  A lot of crap.  But crap we have tried to let the sales guy know about and whose response was usually "okay okay".  First thing is they hand Hubby an envelope and say "how much do you want to do for gratuity?"  Ummm....what?  This is your job douchebag.  Big guys.  Guys who tell him the standard is 10% of the total move...which they have now told him will be TWICE AS MUCH.  So they want extra up front.  And these are BIG GUYS.  So Hubby gives them the money. 

And the damn sales guy was no help.  Told him to give them the money and he'd sort it out after the load came in to figure out costs.  WHAT???

He spoke with the owner.  Who was sort of helpful. 

What does all this mean?  We will most likely have no backup money for rent until Hubby gets work.  He needs to find a job IMMEDIATELY.  You know, no pressure.  Just the exact issue we were trying to avoid.  

And it means me giving up the idea of hiring a midwife for a homebirth (which I haven't even had a chance to write about). 

I learned today that not only does exhaustion bring on contractions.  So does me having a total meltdown. 

Seriously....every time we try to plan stuff out...

GO AWAY BLACK CLOUD. 

NEVER AGAIN

It's been a while - packing and preparing to move us 1500 miles has taken up all my time.  That being said, today P and I flew to our new home in TX. 

NEVER AGAIN.

I am 32 weeks pregnant today.  8 months.  P doesn't do restraint.  He weighs 30+ pounds.  I had a carseat, carry-on, diaper bag, purse, and him.  Did I mention I am 32 weeks pregnant?

Hubby got us in to the check-in counter and then to Security.  Which sounds lovely, and it was.  Except that it took the noobs at the counter half an hour at least to check us in.  We're talking trainee, trainer, and manager.  HALF AN HOUR.  Meanwhile, P is running around like a crazy child alternately happy and screaming bloody murder and Hubby is chasing him and trying to entertain him. 

I flew SPIRIT airlines.  And yes, I'm going to bad mouth them.  The rates were GREAT.  Couldn't choose seats ahead of time without paying, which I found out when I called Customer Service...that is, when I finally found a phone number for them.  The man was useless regarding information about checking a carseat.  Now, I've worked customer service for a long time.  At this point, it would have been nice if he mentioned, "oh, you should go online and check your bags ahead of time and save yourself a lot of money."  $45 for my crazy heavy checked bag (hey, I'm moving cross-country here!) and ... wait for it ... $50 for my 1 carry-on bag.  Yeah, you read that right.  $50.  I believe the words out of my mouth were "Are you shitting me????!!!!!"  So, that's $95.  I should have bought the next fare up on a more established airline. 

So, after 30 minutes of training and confusion and fuck-ups, I finally was given my boarding passes.  So back up the elevator we go, with P in the carseat strapped to the carry-on FREAKING OUT.  I finally pulled out his lovey and sippy (read: paci) and he calmed down.  Which got us to the entrance to Security.  Hubby leaves us.  And now I am on my own.  I'm already nearly in tears.

Security:  Okay, you know when you're out and you see that mom that looks like she'd like a stiff drink and her child is screaming and running around or lying on the ground throwing a fit and she looks like she might just join him and cry and you think either, "that poor woman," or "what the fuck is wrong with her kid?"  THAT.  He was FINALLY calm.  And then I had to put everything on that damn conveyor belt.  4 bins plus the carry-on and the carseat.  Which had to be inspected by hand.  I had to unstrap everything, pile it all on, and TAKE AWAY THE LOVEY AND SIPPY.  Holy fuck, you would have thought the world ended. 

They let me carry him through and then I had to try to keep him calm and corral all my stuff again. 

This was an epic failure.  By now, not only am I holding back tears, but I'm sweating bullets and I can barely breathe.  And P is alternately lying on the floor screaming or running away screaming.  Someone helped me get everything to a bench and I strapped him back in and I'm yelling, "I need that pillow and sippy cup!!!!"  Get him settled, realize boarding passes disappeared.  Nice Security guy saw me frantically searching and deduced the ones they had just found must be mine. 

At this point I need a drink.  Or at least some f'ing coffee.  Nope.  Our gate is the first one (actually a relief - pulling that carry-on and him was rough!) and it's 15 minutes to board time at this point.  It took AN HOUR to check in and get through security. 

I stopped across from the gate and bought a ton of chocolate milk, juice, and beverages for me.  I had snacks packed.  Went to the gate, let the monster out of the cage - and he immediately charmed everyone.  Of course.  I changed him right there - the 2 women seated there were fine with it - and within minutes we were boarding.  One of the women, Kathy (bless this woman!!!) dealt with the carry-on/carseat combo and I wrestled P and the other 2 bags.  Once we got to the plane I unstrapped and this saint of a woman carried both down the aisle while I carried a now freaking out P to our aisle. 

Where I had to figure out how to strap in the carseat.  I finally finagled it and a woman comes up and I realize this poor woman is supposed to be in the window seat.  Which is completely inaccessible thanks to the carseat.  Thankfully, not a full flight, so she just moved up a row.  Strap unruly child back in and for the first time ALL DAY kind of relax. 

The flight was the easy part.  As was getting off (with flight staff assistance) and to baggage claim where P happily played chase with a couple other "freed" toddlers from the flight.  My roomie, Holly, was a saint with him and it was a breeze.  You would never have known that this was the same kid from the morning.  Unless you looked at me.  And then you could tell.

I never want to do that again.  Not alone.  Not pregnant.  Not with so much shit.  NEVER FUCKING AGAIN.

Anyway, we made it.  We're safe.  My body hates me.  I have been contracting like mad, but nothing painful and if I put my feet up they go away.  Good thing they don't scare me anymore! 

Now that I have a living room to escape into after P goes to sleep, I hope to be on here more.  And with any luck actually read some of what y'all are up to! 

Happy Birthday, P

I'm not sure where the time has gone, but my little tiny baby is all of a sudden 2 years old today.  How did this happen?

Baby boy, you amaze me every day.  Language acquisition is a joy...and a frustration as I try to figure out what a word is since it very rarely is correctly pronounced.  But there are new ones every day.  I have to say, I'm not a fan of "want" but I'm guessing it's good you can at least verbalize that.  You may have walked late, but you took no time in transitioning that to running and you have no fear.  None.  You take off after strangers because they interest you.  You climb, jump off of things, and run headlong into walls, corners, tables...you name it.  There aren't many days that go by that you don't acquire new bruises on your legs, arms, HEAD, and last week you got your first black eye.  It took me 27 years to do that!  You greet me when I come home as though you haven't seen me in days.  You spend time every day giving me hugs around the neck that make me melt.  And you infuriate me just as often by throwing, hitting, and otherwise being destructive.  You've been balls to the wall from day 1 my little guy, and I know you will continue to keep me on my toes.  Soon you'll be a big brother, and I can't wait to see how you handle that, and how you teach your brother to be like you.  I am so lucky to be your mom.  I love you.

You, in retrospect!

You are one of these gorgeous embryos!

Less than a day old - gorgeous right off the bat.

You got so chubby!!!  So. Chubby. 6 months old.

12 months old!  

18 months old - hair, slimmed down from finally walking.  

Your 2nd birthday celebration last weekend - you thought the cake was so beautiful .  You didn't even want to touch it.

First time I've seen a kid try to hug a cake.  

Nana took the cake to cut it.  You were very upset.

Who needs cake when you have gumdrops and candles.  

Happy Birthday my gorgeous boy.  You are so loved.

Mama

Uncharted Territory

Monday marked 26w6d into this pregnancy.  The point at which I went into labor initially with P.  It's a milestone for which I've been holding my breath.  I've been able to take it so much easier this pregnancy being a SAHM in a tiny apartment.  Sadly, this means I am also woefully out of shape.  BUT!  Here I am, 27w1d and no labor!  I am so excited!

2 years ago with P I was in the hospital working on calming down my uterus.  Now?  I lift my 30lb almost 2 year old (next week WHAT???) on a regular basis and have only occasional BH cx.  Which, by the way, are totally different than I thought since last time they were REGULAR LABOR CONTRACTIONS.  Mostly occur if I REALLY need to pee.

It's amazing how different this pregnancy has been.  My mom has a theory that P had to fight to be conceived, fight to stay in, then fight to come out, and that has shaped him into quite the fiesty little boy.  This time, it all just HAPPENED.  And the pregnancy has been complication free.

Don't get me wrong...there are still moments.  But I have little to no heartburn.  Morning sickness was minimal.  Simply amazing.  If I didn't already know that boy #2 was in there I would swear this is a girl.  Same?  This kiddo has himself firmly wedged under the right side of my ribcage, and got there much earlier this time.  Holy moly it is painful.  I also got much bigger much faster, some of which I attribute to being at near-delivery weight from the last go 'round.  Ugh.  Meds plus baby weight?  I've got my work cut out for me after this guy comes.

This is 26w0d with P.  I popped a 2nd time about 2 weeks after this. I was 40lbs lighter than I am this time around.

This is 26w3d with F.  I am noticeably bigger.  And boy am I feeling it.  Just in the last couple days I have had a more difficult time moving around, getting up from sitting, and let me tell you, wiping my ass after pooping is getting quite difficult.  I look as big as I did when I delivered P at 35w1d.  I'm going to get huge, obviously.









Because of my history I start weekly NSTs next week.  I will get in 4 of them before it's time for me to be leavin' on a jet plane with Mr. P for Texas.  So, dear body, please continue to cooperate.

I still don't believe I will make it full term.  I'm not trying to jinx myself, rather just don't want to be disappointed.  Anything past 35w I will consider a bonus :-)

90 days left.  90 days.  I feel like I've been pregnant forever.  But I know when I look back on this a year from now I will wonder where the time has gone.  Stay in there kiddo.  I want you fully baked!

I'll Sleep When I'm Dead

There is sleep regression and then there is SLEEP REGRESSION.

We got rid of our sofa so we could move the bed into the living room so that P would sleep through the night. If we were in the room he would want to be with us.  A few months ago that stopped working.  And he would be in bed with us at some point every night.  Now he refuses to sleep alone.  And since he is  was in a toddler bed, he could get out and come bang on the door and scream.

So now he's back in bed with us.

This is incredibly different than sleeping with an infant.  He tosses, he turns, he sleeps sideways.  I woke up one night with him using my face as a pillow.  Other nights my face is a foot rest.  He also wakes hungry at least once.  And we leak through nighttime diapers because of all the milk.  How we are going to fit in a newborn, too is beyond me.

But this week we have entered a whole new era.  NIGHT TERRORS.  He has nightmares.  He whimpers in his sleep.  Sometimes he talks in his sleep.  But night terrors?  Oh. Em. Gee.  He wakes screaming after 45 minutes of sleep.  Screaming, kicking, crying, thrashing about.  It can take us up to 20 minutes of this joy to wake him in order to get him back to sleep.  It is heart-wrenching and exhausting.

Monday night this happened for 3 or 4 cycles.  It caused me to have panic attacks.  Hubby worked with him.  Tuesday night was only once like that, plus his usual hunger wake up.

Then there was last night.  Hell.

Started winding him down at 8pm.  This process now includes melatonin in his milk.

9:30 pm he finally gave up the phone because it died, cried, and finally fell asleep.

10:30 pm nightmare.  Luckily a quick one, back to sleep within 5 minutes.

11:15 pm I sneezed.  It triggered the night terror.

11:45 pm he finally calmed down a bit.  Hubby wasn't convinced and let him have the tablet.  Not a good idea.

12:15 am I took away the tablet.  He screamed and cried.  Then he built a pillow fort on the bed.

1:00 am we killed all soothing music, anything that could stimulate him.

1:15 am we all were asleep.

:Then he slept for 8 hours straight.  But oh, my god.  Night Terror.  Temper Tantrum.  Sheer refusal to sleep. I have been sick all week.  I was desperate to sleep.

So, he is finally asleep.  45 minutes later I wake up.  Thank you pregnancy insomnia and pregnancy bladder. Again at 3:45.  And 5:15.  and 7 am.  I went back to dozing on and off from 8:30-9:30.

I cannot even remember what a full night's sleep is like.

I have repeatedly told P and my body that I don't need a newborn prep period.  I remember.  I'd rather sleep now while I can.  Apparently this is not to be.  P has been asleep for about half an hour.  Waiting to see if he makes it past the 45 minute mark tonight.  Cross your fingers.  Mama needs the sleep.

Head Em Up Move Em Out

Well, after a very long time tossing around moving out of state, including one epic failure at an attempt to move to Ohio, we are in a place to make it happen.

It has some scary things to overcome, but they would be there now or after baby, except after baby there will be a BABY and a toddler.  So, before it is.  Those things are insurance, and related, medications.  My case manager is trying to find out some information for me on that stuff.  And we're squeezing in what we can before we leave.

The good news is that at this point no contractions, not really even BH.  So that is reassuring.  The current OB wants weekly NSTs starting at 28 weeks - looks like I will squeeze 2 in.

Because we are outta here by mid April at the latest.  30 weeks pregnant.  Eep.  My mother's response was "I don't approve."  Shocker.

The best part?  I am not bothered by it!  So I guess therapy is doing a little bit of good!  I don't need her approval nor am I disappointed by not receiving it!  I do feel guilty about taking her grandchildren away, but hell, Hubby's family has never met P except on Skype and via pictures, so she can get over it.  We need the change.  We can't do this tiny apartment anymore.  The lack of job opportunities.  We won't survive it with a newborn in the picture, too.

Where are we headed?

Wait for it...

Because it's kinda funny given who I am...

TEXAS.

Go ahead, laugh.  It's funny.

But hear me out.  Texas has a lower cost of living.  My child who hates clothes will be appropriately attired now.  The job market is actually growing there. We have friends with whom we are going to house share - meaning they can do some legwork before we actually get there.  My friend already has a circle of friends with whom we will blend quite nicely.  We need that.  We need something other than doctors and one room.    We need to make something happen.  Because seriously, this last year can suck it.  It's time to take some control.  We are languishing here.

So...sometime in a month-ish we are packing up our crap with movers, piling 2 adults, a toddler, 2 cats, and a dog, and moving 1500 miles away.  While I'm pregnant.  LOL.  In for a penny, in for a pound, right?