I didn't really have any trouble around Thanksgiving, but Christmas is as usual throwing me for a loop. And harder this year.
We are receiving gifts from the family and once again can't really contribute. I have homemade gifts in the offing, but can't afford to send them or finish them right now, so everyone is getting their gifts at tax time. I feel like such a loser. Christmas is hard when you're poor. Really hard.
I see signs at the school where I work that the kids have done about donating toys and clothes for those in need and it hits me because that's me. Some of our gifts for the boys, the ones "from us" are coming from donations - I go "shopping" on Thursday. I keep crying at work seeing those signs.
And the reality of my dad's death is hitting me hard right now. First major holiday without him. All the guilt I have surrounding the last year he was with us. All he is missing with the boys. I've cried a lot this week. I know grief is a process, but goodness, it's hard. So, so hard.
So Christmas is coming, and I'm excited, but I'm also so, so sad. Perhaps next year will be better.