26 Acts

In the wake of the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT, I have been struggling with what I can do.  I don't have the money to drive to CT and bear witness or help keep those pesky WBC jerks out of there.  I can't donate.  I can write.  But everyone and their mother is writing.  Social media is full of well-written tributes and thoughts.  Sure, I could add my $.02, but really, others have already said it better.  I am really struggling.  

P and I wore white and green in honor of the school on Monday.  My sister and dad put together an ornament for us, which I posted and then got liked by the Sandy Hook Memorial Page.  But this seems trivial.  

I read about an idea.  #26Acts.  Dedicate 26 kind acts to the memory of the 20 children and 6 teachers/faculty at the school.  You don't need to advertise them.  You don't need to post anything.  Just do it.  And know in your heart that you are doing something small that maybe someone else will pay forward.  

So I started being conscious of doing these small things.  So far there has been a lot of letting people out into traffic at rush hour when no one else will, LOL.  But it doesn't matter what.  And as I would do something, and I'm really just at the very beginning of this tribute, I realized these are things I do EVERY DAY.  

I'm not doing something out of the ordinary for me.  I do little things all the time.  And I'm proud of myself for it.  I just never realized what I'm doing.  I counted 3 in a quick trip to the grocery store.  I hope that I'm able to pass this on to my son.  The ability to not be in such a hurry that you can't do something nice for someone, even something that maybe seems insignificant.  

Maybe this is what we all need to be doing.  Maybe this is what is wrong with our country.  Too many people in a hurry to ACHIEVE and SUCCEED and EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF (hey, didn't you see A Beautiful Mind?  That guy disproved that theory, yo!).  Maybe if we slow down, all of us.  Or enough of us to show others that we can spare 3 seconds to let the guy parking next to you know that his headlight is out, the extra couple minutes in line to let someone obviously in a hurry go before you in the line at the grocery store.  Or whatever.  

I want to be that person who makes a big difference.  Who comes up with an idea that brings light into people's lives, and actually manage to make it happen.  Maybe I will, maybe I won't.  But I absolutely can make someone's day just a smidge better.  And then maybe they will make someone else's day a smidge better.  

So while I dedicate 26 acts of kindness to the beautiful souls lost in CT last week, I hope that I continue to be me, to do these little things.  Maybe paying it forward can really work.  Because we definitely need some change in our country.  And maybe that change is a little bit of love and kindness.

Will you join in?  

Much To Say, But Silent Today

Defining Moments

My parents used to say when we were kids that we didn't have moments in our life.  The kind of moments that alter your reality, the world's reality.  They remembered MLK, John F Kennedy, and Robert Kennedy being assassinated.  Woodstock.  The Vietnam War.

I wasn't really all that sure it was a bad thing that we didn't have those moments in our generation.

Defining Moments.

But you know what?  I remember the Challenger exploding.

I remember distinctly where I was when I found out the Columbine Shooting had happened.

I remember the VA Tech shooting.

You can be sure as hell that I remember where I was for 9/11.

Today, unfortunately, has become another of those moments.  And honestly, I haven't been as glued to the tv like I was today since 9/11.

Today in Newtown, CT 20 children and a handful of teachers lost their lives in an incident that has left me drowning in grief and anger and anxiety.  And thankfulness.  I hugged my son so hard he squirmed away.  Hubby went out and bought me oodles of chocolate that my stomach has been too upset to eat.  Too upset from hours of crying.

There are so many issues at hand.  So many things people are up in arms (poor choice of words, granted) about.  But all I can think is that it could have been prevented.  And I could write oodles on that.  But this is not the time to get on my soapbox, though it works quite well as a distraction.

But for now...no.

I've snuggled my boy.  I have a candle lit for those families.  My heart will now always have a part of it that broke today.  That cannot process entirely the senselessness of a thing like this.  That does not want to wake up tomorrow to a world in which today happened.

I am sending peace, as much as I can muster, to Newtown, CT.  To the families affected by the horrors of this morning.  And I am hoping for some peace in my own heart.

Be with those you love.  Hug them a little closer.  And send some love to NE tonight.

Friday Night Leftovers

Haven't done this in ages, and I know the host is different, so I'm not linking, just using the title.  I simply have a bunch of small things to talk about!

• P has learned mimicry.  It is hysterical.  Last week when I was sick I was using a bowl to heave over.  Luckily not anything was really coming up.  P came over, leaned over the bowl, and made throw up sounds.  Oy.  The other day I came out of the bathroom sneezing loudly like I do.  30 seconds later, P is, you guessed it, imitating it.  Ditto goes when I dissolve into a sobbing mess (3 or 4 times a day).  Same with laughter. Seeing and hearing his rendition of my various bodily functions is hysterical.  We are in trouble with this one.
• Night Terrors make me so sad for P.  And generally means I sleep for crap as he is in bed with us then, tossing and turning.  But waking up next to him is nice :-)
• I can feel Grasshopper :-)  Yup, this early.  For about a week now, though I wasn't certain until yesterday when there was a definite reaction to iced tea.  Apparently baby loves it.
• I am going to make salt dough santa hand ornaments tomorrow.  I am inordinately excited about this.  Is it a mom thing?
• Forgetting my meds at night is a BAD THING involving dizziness, exhaustion, and vomit. 
• Another person has mentioned to me the possibility of writing a book.  This is an overwhelming thought to me.  But my ever-spinning brain came up with a title.  Parenthood and Mental Illness: When the Stork Flies Over the Cuckoo's Nest.  Teehee.
• Incredibly glad for Medical Assistance. However, I'm driving about 10 miles to see a chiropractor. This may not seem like far, but it takes at least half an hour because of traffic and lights. And I can't find a dentist within 20 miles.  Fact: I currently live in a very upper-middle class area.  Which means while you can get the assistance, you can't always find someone who takes it.  This is INCREDIBLY frustrating.  Both Hubby and I desperately need to see a dentist.  I am not driving to Philly for one, however.  Definite glitch in the system.
• There were a couple more small things, but I am braindead (see bullet point about forgetting meds) and have to get P up in 10 minutes to make the hike to the chiro.  He'd better be good.

Happy Friday everyone!  If this whole ornament thing works I'll post pics!

13w - 2nd Trimester, Y'all!

Today was my first "pregnancy timeline goal."  Reaching the 2nd trimester.  I feel like last pregnancy flew by but this one is taking its sweet time.  I "popped" over the weekend.  I feel like I look more pregnant and less bloated/full.


How far along: 13w0d - Grasshopper is the size of a peach - 2.9" crl. Can you believe she's forming vocal cords and teeth?!  And even though she's still teeny, she already has fingerprints.  Her intestines are moving from the umbilical cord to their more permanent place, in her tummy.

Total Weight Gain: Holding steady at about 10lbs gain. Oy.

Maternity clothes: Yes, especially pants.  OMG, so happy to have inherited a stack of pants that fit and are comfortable.

Sleep: Back to sleeping like the dead, but not needing to nap every day.  Progress!

Movement: Every now and then I feel something that doesn't feel like anything else I can recognize.  But hello, 13w?  Probably not.  Also found out last week that my placenta is anterior, so that may make it more difficult.

Cravings/Aversions: Cravings: Keeping it bland over here (except for spicy CA rolls.  Nom nom nom!)  NO MEAT, no coffee.  Veggie stuff and cereal and koolaid for the win.

Sex: If you saw my post the other day, you know how this is going.  Sigh.

Symptoms: Boobs - I no longer have any sort of bra that fits.  I give up.  Nipples are so sensitive it's insane.  Extremely thirsty.  Food aversions.  Round ligament stretching.  Still occasional nausea, generally triggered by food.

What I miss: Honestly, klonopin.  I have weaned down to just one med which is L2 for breastfeeding.  But it's harder to keep myself under control.

What I look forward to: Another brief scan this week, and one again on Christmas Eve :-)  Movement.

Moods: I've been angry as of late, due to frustration regarding our living situation, finances, etc.  So ready for some change.

Milestones: 2nd trimester!  Woot!  (Some apps say I still have another week.  F them, LOL.)

Medical Concerns: Waiting to see what my placenta does so that I know whether I have any sort of a shot at trying for a VBAC.  It could be quite some time before I know this.  Still, going to make some phone calls because will most likely need to change OBs.

Weekly Wisdom: If Hubby wants meat, Hubby cooks meat.  And eats it in another room.  After lighting candles to destroy the meat stench.

Best moment this week: U/S a week ago.  I was so nervous going in and seeing Grasshopper moving all around was wonderful :-)

13 weeks. Today I look bloated again, but I swear
yesterday it looked more like a bump.

Calling It What It Was

It couldn't have been rape.  Because I had already consented.  We were already in the throws.

It couldn't have been rape.  Because this was someone for whom I deeply cared, and assured me he cared for me.

It couldn't have been rape.  Because there was no FORCE.

It couldn't have been rape.  Because I was there of my own accord.

I have spent 4 months telling myself this.  The fact that I can't let anyone touch me is irrelevant.  The fact that I panic the moment I feel I've lost control.  The fact that the panic is that all encompassing screaming huddled in a corner type of panic.  The fact that I felt guilty for letting him down.  The fact that when I remembered it I nearly crashed the car with my son in it.  These facts didn't matter.  It wasn't rape.

It was emotional disregard.  It was a breach of trust.  It was a misunderstanding.  Whatever it was, it wasn't rape.

And I made progress.  Hell, I even conceived a child a couple months later.  It wasn't rape.

Last night it all came flooding back when I tried to be intimate with Hubby.  When I nearly punched him.  When I screamed, cried, curled in a ball.  Covered myself with a robe because I had to be hidden.  Tried to huddle in a corner.  Felt guilty for letting HIM down now.

You know what?  It was rape.

It was rape.

Maybe now that I can call it what it was I can get the help I need.