Today is one of those days when I am trying to figure out what the hell could possibly be wrong with me that leaves people disappointed in me. Angry with me. Willing to throw me under a bus.
Yes, I made a mistake that got me fired. But it got me fired because I was ratted out. And there were clues before hand that something was wrong, but no one tried to bring it to my attention.
I am in the midst of an internal family feud. And nothing I do is right. We are literally a family split in half right now. And the person who behaved irrationally won't apologize, so I am left to be the bigger person - again.
TG is completely miffed with me. Because my anxiety is so bad right now. He is frustrated. He shuts down when I do and is no help. And then I get blamed for not helping him. I "threw him away" because I left the other day to go home. I needed my own space. I totally get not being able to deal when you have your own issues. But to put the blame on me...why???
Over the years I have had people bad mouth me, talk shit behind my back, use me then abuse me. None of us are perfect. But if you have an issue, why does it always have to go to the extreme? I try my best to be good to people. To take care of them in whatever way I can. Yes, I'm super needy sometimes. Because of things I can't help. I take my medication, I go to therapy. But I won't be happy-go-lucky overnight!
And when shit just keeps piling on...it doesn't help.
I guess I'm having a personal crisis of faith in myself. I feel I am a burden. I feel I can't do anything right for anyone. I am losing my blind trust in people. I don't know what to do. I don't know why I keep losing people. Why I can't seem to get it right.
I feel broken.