Sunday, March 28, 2010

A History

22 months ago, Hubby and I began trying to get pregnant. Thus followed several months of enthusiastic trying. That was May of 2008. We were also planning our wedding at the time, and had Hubby's back surgery looming shortly thereafter. Mid-summer I began charting my temperature - pain in the ass. So then we were on a calendar of sorts, when to try, hoping that his back would cooperate. Each month gave us disappointment with the arrival of my period. Still early in the game though, so no biggie. Wedding, surgery - followed by 2 months of hiatus while Hubby healed. Back to trying early 2009. Keeping track of my cycle, hearing endless news of others becoming pregnant, mostly unplanned. Trips through the baby departments looking longingly at cribs, bibs, clothing....

Summer 2009 began the real frustration. The hoping and counting of days and eventual disappointment of the arrival of my period. By that time it had begun to make me cry. News of others' pregnancies would send me into fits of crying. Enter friends with endless advice, and finally, a referral to a fertility clinic, RMA of PA and our first appointment, a very overwhelming day. We went in saying we just wanted to know if we could or not...and if not, well, then that's how it had to be. 1 week later the devastating news that the problem most likely lay with Hubby. Guilt, depression, break downs. Retesting, and 3 months of waiting and attending urologist appointments 2 hours away from home. December 2009, a week before Christmas, brought the diagnosis of Klinefelter Syndrome. We could put him on horomone therapy and have him undergo surgery to search for any possible sperm....25% chance success rate. No thanks. Then began the joys of Testosterone Gel for hubby, something that is supposed to be temporary - we are still in the process of getting him on long-term medication - the daily reminder pretty much sucks.

Late January we decide to try sperm donation. So, more bloodwork for me over the next month, shopping for sperm and more time sticking pillows under my shirt to see me pregnant. In this time, 2 more announcements of pregnancies, including one by my sister. Who is younger. And better off financially. That didn't go so well. We moved into a house (rented) and now at least have the room for a child, and are feeling positive. How could there also be something wrong with me? HA! We were told that an HSG was not totally necessary because realistically, I am unproven. However, given the costs of sperm, we decide better safe than sorry. March 9, 2010 I go in for the test....and it turns out my tubes are blocked. WHAT???? At this point I am a total basketcase. The last 3 weeks have been terrible. 2 friends had babies, and I'm helping design the nursery for another friend. And making baby layettes for friends. And tired of platitudes and advice and "It'll happen, I know it". I don't know it.

So now we are up to considering embryo donation and IVF, 2 things we swore we wouldn't even consider 6 months ago. And yet, here we are...I was referred to a friend's friend's Blog (listed here on the site), which, even the brief amount I've read, has been hugely helpful, and I hope to read more, as well as the other links she has. Decisions? No. Not so much. In my gut I feel we've reached the end of the road, but at the same time, unwilling to give up yet. I just don't know. How much more can I take? We start counseling this week. Maybe that will help with a decision. I am hoping this blog helps me to get out my feelings, and maybe not as much dumping on friends. I hope.

1 comment:

  1. Sweetheart the BLOG is a good thing, and you are very well written. I hope it helps you sort out your thoughts and feelings. Hang in there ♥


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