Sometimes I Like the Doctor

Sucked it up today and went to the family doctor. Now have Zoloft and Atavan to get me through. Atavan - wow! I feel like I'm swimming through the air. It's weird. But first day in many without full-on panics. It's a start. Our nurse today went thru IF - 6 IUI's!! Damn. Tummy is still a bundle of nerves, and I'm wicked nervous about our consult and counseling tomorrow.

Exciting things: have met yet another IF'er who is pretty much in the same boat as us, though went through more to get to this stage. One thing I'm "grateful" for is that since all we've gotten is bad news, it weeds out our options and if IVF doesn't work, that's it for us. Also adopted a new fur-baby today - a 3rd cat. We are about to go introduce him to the rest of the fur-family....should be interesting.

Good friends had their 20 week u/s yesterday....I can't even face them. Couldn't see them or talk to them in person. Managed text messages. I warned them ahead of time, but they are still feeling a bit pushed away. I just couldn't do it. It put me into a really bad slump - which is why I'm so glad I got meds today. I left them a plant and congratulations card on their porch and then ran before she got home from work. I'm trying really hard not to totally shut them out. Friday is my date with a newborn....guess we'll see how that goes.

Until tomorrow, then....we'll know more about procedures, and how to cope....oh, boy oh, boy oh, boy....

Fertility Jokes - Finally a Laugh

Infertility is no joking matter. But if it was, these would be the jokes….

How does an RE like his eggs?
Over 20mm!

Why did the RE cross the road?
Because there was an affluent, infertile woman in her 30s on the other side.

Why does it take 50 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they won’t ask for directions either!

Two sperm were swimming through a woman’s body.
The first said, “Whew. I’m getting tired. Just how far is it to the uterus?”
“The uterus?” the second laughed. “We’re not even past the esophagus yet!”

You know you are trying to get pregnant when…Someone asks you today’s date and you reply “Day 21″ . . .

Why do gypsies have trouble getting pregnant?
They have crystal balls.

How many infertility patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Screw in a lightbulb! Hmmm . . . do you think it might help? . . .

#809 on the list of 999

For Family and Friends

Below is a list of things that family and friends can read to understand what we are going through with IF and what may help, or not help. I thought perhaps this could help others who don't know how to help their IF friend/relative. I sent it to some of my family members proactively....

Family and Friends
When Infertility Strikes the Family
Although infertility is widely acknowledged as a crisis for individuals and couples, it is less recognized as a trauma that impacts their families. Yet, involuntary childlessness is an intergenerational crisis that has the ability to strain, even damage, family relationships over time by impairing communications and interactions.
Myths of Infertility, Revealed
There are a number of myths about infertility that exist in America today. This section should dispel the myths and give accurate information to the browser.
Dealing with A Fertile World
People dealing with infertility see things everyday in the world that remind them of their plight. And society has formed opinions about infertility that are used in various channels. This section will share what a "day in the life of an infertile woman" is like, and discuss some societal facts that impact her.
Don't tell them to relax (or What Not To Say)
An important part of the content, this section will list the comments that are made, usually with the best intentions, to infertile people that are more hurtful than helpful. The reasons why these comments are painful are addressed

TMI

Sorry for this, but f**k it. Anxiety + me = serious digestion issues. In January (after H's diagnosis) it was a month of it....lost 10 lbs, which screwed up my O for the month. I am now 3 days into terrible poo, gas, and dry-heaving. Please let it pass quickly this time. Anxiety appt Wednesday morning...hopeful for meds and a quick heal. *Fingers crossed*. Thank goodness it's slow at work...out of here 2 hours early. Time to go home and curl up and die.

What did I do with the sperm catalogs?

3 days until the consultation - do we do it? Do we "give up"? Between IVF and donor embryos, IVF seems more logical. Fewer out of pocket expenses up front. The anxiety gets the better of me some days. Fell asleep at 9pm last night, with friends here. Go me. Stomach issues have begun, so I have to watch what I eat or end up in the bathroom most of the day. I am calling the doctor today to make an appointment for some anxiety meds because I'm tired of me, so I can't imagine how others feel regarding my wicked mood swings. And this is without horomones. What happens when I start all the IVF procedures? Blah. I keep saying, "Maybe," but I think we will do it. I have to try and think in the NOW as opposed to what happens when it doesn't work.

And the funniest thing keeps running through my head: "What did I do with the sperm catalogs???" Yup, this is my life.

A History

22 months ago, Hubby and I began trying to get pregnant. Thus followed several months of enthusiastic trying. That was May of 2008. We were also planning our wedding at the time, and had Hubby's back surgery looming shortly thereafter. Mid-summer I began charting my temperature - pain in the ass. So then we were on a calendar of sorts, when to try, hoping that his back would cooperate. Each month gave us disappointment with the arrival of my period. Still early in the game though, so no biggie. Wedding, surgery - followed by 2 months of hiatus while Hubby healed. Back to trying early 2009. Keeping track of my cycle, hearing endless news of others becoming pregnant, mostly unplanned. Trips through the baby departments looking longingly at cribs, bibs, clothing....

Summer 2009 began the real frustration. The hoping and counting of days and eventual disappointment of the arrival of my period. By that time it had begun to make me cry. News of others' pregnancies would send me into fits of crying. Enter friends with endless advice, and finally, a referral to a fertility clinic, RMA of PA and our first appointment, a very overwhelming day. We went in saying we just wanted to know if we could or not...and if not, well, then that's how it had to be. 1 week later the devastating news that the problem most likely lay with Hubby. Guilt, depression, break downs. Retesting, and 3 months of waiting and attending urologist appointments 2 hours away from home. December 2009, a week before Christmas, brought the diagnosis of Klinefelter Syndrome. We could put him on horomone therapy and have him undergo surgery to search for any possible sperm....25% chance success rate. No thanks. Then began the joys of Testosterone Gel for hubby, something that is supposed to be temporary - we are still in the process of getting him on long-term medication - the daily reminder pretty much sucks.

Late January we decide to try sperm donation. So, more bloodwork for me over the next month, shopping for sperm and more time sticking pillows under my shirt to see me pregnant. In this time, 2 more announcements of pregnancies, including one by my sister. Who is younger. And better off financially. That didn't go so well. We moved into a house (rented) and now at least have the room for a child, and are feeling positive. How could there also be something wrong with me? HA! We were told that an HSG was not totally necessary because realistically, I am unproven. However, given the costs of sperm, we decide better safe than sorry. March 9, 2010 I go in for the test....and it turns out my tubes are blocked. WHAT???? At this point I am a total basketcase. The last 3 weeks have been terrible. 2 friends had babies, and I'm helping design the nursery for another friend. And making baby layettes for friends. And tired of platitudes and advice and "It'll happen, I know it". I don't know it.

So now we are up to considering embryo donation and IVF, 2 things we swore we wouldn't even consider 6 months ago. And yet, here we are...I was referred to a friend's friend's Blog (listed here on the site), which, even the brief amount I've read, has been hugely helpful, and I hope to read more, as well as the other links she has. Decisions? No. Not so much. In my gut I feel we've reached the end of the road, but at the same time, unwilling to give up yet. I just don't know. How much more can I take? We start counseling this week. Maybe that will help with a decision. I am hoping this blog helps me to get out my feelings, and maybe not as much dumping on friends. I hope.