Dear Finn

I call you our birds n the bees baby.  The baby that shouldn't have been possible.  But here you are, smiling, cooing.  With Phelan I had to hold him ALL THE TIME.  You will nap on your own.  I feel like you are night and day.  Certainly in appearance.  Not in a bad way, just you are very different.  I can't wait to watch you develop.

I worried I wouldn't love you as much.  But it turns out the heart has a capacity I never knew possible.  I feel guilty that you don't get as much attention as Phelan did, because I have you both to care for.  But in the moments when I can, I love to just breathe you in, let you sleep on me because it is as close to relaxation as I know to come these days.  I want to stroke your skin, smell your head, nibble your ears.  I want to eat you up.  That sounds weird, but I just want to consume as much of you as I can before you are a mover and shaker.  I pray that you remain as your brother did, a snuggler.

Today I worked for the first time in a long time.  With 6 year olds.  I both look forward to that growth in you and your brother, yet dread it, for with age comes a certain loss of innocence, dependence.  A loss of the peace that watching you gives me.  I hope that it never completely goes away.

Baby boy, you brought us a 2nd miracle.  You saved me.  Your smile makes me weep with joy. Your determined face makes me laugh out loud.  You suckling on my breast makes me feel complete, and yet sad because it's another thing that in time will go away.

Being your mother is so emotional.   Phelan was our first, and emotional for what it took to get him.  With you, our last, I want every moment to last forever because when it's gone, that's it.  So don't grow up to quickly.  Stay with me.  Be my baby boy.  Let me love you.

Let me love you.