Thursday, September 13, 2012

Off The Wagon

Last night I reached my limit again.  Last straw.  2 pregnancy announcements in 2 days.  It sent me over the edge in a week that has me realizing we really, truly may never have the opportunity to try for a sibling for P. Not just because of our financial situation, but because of this fucking mental illness.

I'm screwed.  We're screwed.  Because I am broken.

I cried for an hour on the bathroom floor, cut my arm pretty badly, and took way too much medication.  I had made it just over 3 weeks.  And just completely lost it.  And then I shaved my head.  So, I am bald.

My mother is pissed that J has stayed here a couple days. "We are not a halfway house."  They don't realize he has places to go but needed time away.  So now I have to kick him out.

All I want is to crawl in bed and stay there.

On top of it, I have to fight the fucking insurance company for one of my medications.

Yesterday was not such a good day.  And I definitely feel like shit today in the aftermath.  Maybe I'm not okay to be out in the general public.  Maybe I should just go back to Horsham.  But then I'm giving up.  I can't give up.  Hubby needs me.  P needs me.

I have just shut down.  I'm in that place where the pain is so great that it's hard to remember that there are reasons for me to be alive and happy.


  1. I know that I'm not there with you, but I'm giving you a big hug right now and sending all the positive energy I have your way. You arent a failure. You arent a fuckup. Every day is its own journey. Yes, you fell off the wagon and you cut and you took too much of your meds- okay, that's not good, but the 'not good' isnt you. You ARE good. You are a woman, a mother, a wife, a friend, a person who is struggling, who is good and trying. Sometimes it will be easy. Sometimes it will be hard as hell. Sometimes you will acheive all you set out for and sometimes you will fall short. It's okay. It is what it is. You know and you accept and you acknowledge and you move forward. You do that because you are strong. You do it for P and for hubs, and for you.

    Deep breath. Deep breath. Deep breath. One at a time. It's all you can do. Keep breathing and hoping and trying...

  2. Gen get a grip!! Bad days happens, they will happen again and again, hell they happen to everyone!! It's not the end of any road, it's just a fall and you do get back up on your feet and start counting again. Next time you'll make it longer. Did you really expect it to be so easy that you will never cut yourself again, or overmedicate? it won't be and most of the time wil feel like an unbearable struggle. But you will gain strength, you will. You have reasons to do so, you have P you have DH and you have your family. And of course you have us. Come on baby, don't make me come there to give you a kick and shake you from this state of apathy. Love you.

  3. *big hugs* You stumbled, you had a shitty day (hell, a shitty couple of days), and you feel awful. But even though you probably aren't in an emotional place to believe it, that doesn't mean you're broken, it means you're in recovery. Sit back, give yourself a break. And if one day at a time seems too long, take it one hour at a time.
    Most importantly, don't be afraid to ask for help and don't be ashamed to *need* help. If you feel like going back into the hospital is your best option, you're not "giving up." You're recognizing a need and following it. What's healthier or more rational than that?
    Love you hun.

  4. Oh sweetie, those feelings are hard for anyone dealing with IF, even without a diagnosable mental illness. Many of us have had breakdowns. You are still an awesome person and an awesome mother and you will get better. I know this. You can beat mental illness, you can feel whole again. I know you can. I have faith in you. Don't beat yourself up about what happened, just use your support system and keep doing what you need to do to work on healing.

  5. Oh honey, lots of {{{hugs}}} and love coming your way.

  6. Kakunaa, take care of yourself please.

    Write 'THIS SHALL PASS' on your mirror. There are good days and there are bad days, and they all end....stop hurting so much, and hurtling out of control.

  7. Kakunaa, take care of yourself.

    Write 'This shall pass' on your mirror. Good Days and Bad Days come and go, and everything changes....think of it.

  8. You are not letting them down if you go back to Horsham. You need to be happy, healthy and alive for them. Whatever you need to do to achieve that - do it. X


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