Monday, September 17, 2012


For the last week I have been deeply immersed in a depression.  With a few manic episodes, but mostly, depression.  And angry.  I have been angry.  

There have been several pregnancy announcements - I've now been lapped twice by some friends.  Twice.  Even hearing the news from my IF sisters has brought out the ugly green dragon.  It seems as though the forces, my inner demons, are stacked against us.

We haven't paid embryo storage for the year.  Even if we had, we sure as hell don't have another $6k for an FET.  Who knows when we will.  I am now 35...AMA is for sure creeping up on me.  Adding to my already high chances for a high risk pregnancy.  

Drugs.  We would have to guinea pig me again so that I can be on medications safe for baby.  IF we get so lucky to get that far. 

Hey, you know what would help?  Employment.  A place of our own.  

So what about Foster ?  We still don't have our own place - we can't even apply without that.  And though I can't find the information, a former friend looked into it and with regard to mental illness, one must be med free for x number of years, no hospitilaztions.  Ummmm.  Really?  

Are our family building days done?  Can I handle another child with how cuckoo I am?  And if that is the case, how can I find peace with that?  Does that come with a decision, a decision to donate the embies, to focus on everything else?  

I am so ANGRY about it all.  The anger of IF has raged it's head again, along with the anger regarding my mental health.  

It often feels as though there is a scream in my throat, blocking out all the rest of the thoughts I want to try to get out.  And this doesn't even cover the rest of my fucked up little life.

And I don't want to hear, "At least you got to have P."  No shit, sherlock.  I adore that goofball toddler.  There is no other feeling in the world that can come close to the love of my child.  But I feel incomplete.  We feel incomplete.  Lost, incomplete, floundering, angry.  

I just want to scream.


  1. The feeling of incompleteness...I was hoping it would go away. IF is horrible, no kids, 1 kid, 2 kids, it sucks no matter where you are in life. So many people say "I knew when my family was complete"...I sit and hope for that feeling....but it never comes.
    I hope and pray that others can feel peace, peace with their journey, peace with the hand they have been dealt, but peace is something that I still grasp for...
    Does a woman with IF ever feel "complete"? I am sure there are a few, but I am for sure not one of them.

    ((HUGS)) mama. I can't imagine what you have been going through, and trust that I would help you in any way possible if I could.

  2. I don't know what to say Gen, shifting the focus on what you have rather than what you don't have must come from you, cannot come from the outside. Finding peace is difficult, but nothing lasts forever, even the worse moment will pass. Focussing on the present may give you some relief from the anxiety that the future you want for yourself may not be just around the corner. Love, Fran

  3. I am so sorry you are going through this. Sending virtual hugs your way, and holding you in the light.
    Hoping things get better soon.

  4. I'm sorry and I wish I had something better to say to help you. Hang on Genevieve. Keep writing, let that adorable toddler warm your heart and soul with his smile and laugh.


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