There have been several pregnancy announcements - I've now been lapped twice by some friends. Twice. Even hearing the news from my IF sisters has brought out the ugly green dragon. It seems as though the forces, my inner demons, are stacked against us.
We haven't paid embryo storage for the year. Even if we had, we sure as hell don't have another $6k for an FET. Who knows when we will. I am now 35...AMA is for sure creeping up on me. Adding to my already high chances for a high risk pregnancy.
Drugs. We would have to guinea pig me again so that I can be on medications safe for baby. IF we get so lucky to get that far.
Hey, you know what would help? Employment. A place of our own.
So what about Foster ? We still don't have our own place - we can't even apply without that. And though I can't find the information, a former friend looked into it and with regard to mental illness, one must be med free for x number of years, no hospitilaztions. Ummmm. Really?
Are our family building days done? Can I handle another child with how cuckoo I am? And if that is the case, how can I find peace with that? Does that come with a decision, a decision to donate the embies, to focus on everything else?
I am so ANGRY about it all. The anger of IF has raged it's head again, along with the anger regarding my mental health.
It often feels as though there is a scream in my throat, blocking out all the rest of the thoughts I want to try to get out. And this doesn't even cover the rest of my fucked up little life.
And I don't want to hear, "At least you got to have P." No shit, sherlock. I adore that goofball toddler. There is no other feeling in the world that can come close to the love of my child. But I feel incomplete. We feel incomplete. Lost, incomplete, floundering, angry.
I just want to scream.