Ass, Bitten

My mother used to share this story about a day when I was a baby and I wouldn't stop crying. She fed me, she changed me, she rocked me. She tried EVERYTHING and I just couldn't be appeased. She laid me on the bed for a moment, and as I lay there crying she said, "What do you WANT?"

Flash forward 36 years. My son is having a meltdown of sorts. He is very upset. I'm trying to appease him. Out of his mouth comes, "What do you WANT?" Along with "Go to your room NOW."

I have become my mother, and my son likes to point it out to me. Obviously.

My mother is laughing somewhere, because like all moms she just knows things. So she must know that I'm now raising a child just like myself. And this is retribution. I know she's laughing. I know it.

My own words have come back to bite me in the ass. I'm raising another version of myself. My mother is definitely laughing.

Better

Hopping on to alleviate fears. I am MUCH better. I don't know what caused those several days of hell, but I feel like me again. Just the usual levels of anxiety and exhaustion, which I'm used to. Thank goodness. That was scary.

Bad Times

I have hit a low point.  As low as just before I found out I was pregnant with Finn.  I haven't been this bad in that long.  And it hit like a ton of bricks.  I don't know how to get past it except breathe and take each moment as it comes.  The panic is overwhelming.  The sadness breathtaking.  It's like all of a sudden the meds just STOPPED WORKING.

I know one trigger is that the new job has been delayed in starting and therefore I'm not getting the income I planned on so now money is on the table again.  Money does it every time.  But this time is really bad.  Scary bad.

I just had to go to the bathroom at work and cry.  Oy. That's been a while. How long do I put up with it until I call the psychiatrist?

Owwww

So, I started a workout and diet regimen.  I think I might be dying.

Okay, maybe I'm not dying, but O. M. G.

I gave up carbs.  I WANT BREAD so badly.  Like I dream about quesadillas and Subway.  And I gave up sugar (except for my coffee creamer).  I want ICE CREAM.  I'm not kidding.  I'm feeling like all I want are things that are bad for me.  Isn't that supposed to go away?  Aren't you supposed to happily crave all things good after a little bit?  Yeah, not happening here.  I want all the fatty, carby things.

I started the Bikini Body Mommy 90 day challenge.  I joined on day 15, so it's really the 75 day challenge for me.  You know that awesome sore from working out that makes you feel so good?  Good hurt?  I don't have that.  I am hobbling.  As of today I have shin splints.  I am MISERABLE.

I hate my body.  I do.  I HATE it.  I can't stand looking in the mirror.  I don't want to be naked (and I hate clothes).  I don't want anyone looking at me.  I'm embarassed by the extra baby/medication weight I am carrying around.  But I'm so so sore and hungry.  This shit is hard.

I wish I could have a gym membership, have time to go, and could go when they can watch the kids so I can work out at a pace and style that better suits me.

I haven't done a weigh-in yet.  That happens every 2 weeks.  So I'm hoping to see some improvement when that day happens, because honestly, if I don't see SOME sort of change, I'm going to be very disheartened and inclined to quit the pain.

I know, lifestyle changes are hard.  But I'm not really up for hurting myself in the quest for weight loss.  There has got to be a less painful way....

Diagnosis: Strong-Willed

So, we saw the pediatrician today.  The news is good.  For him, LOL.

His behaviors are consistent with a strong-willed and super smart kid.  No autistic issues.  He even recommended books about strong-willed children.  So he's fine, we're just in trouble with this one.

He said the keys are consistency and positive reinforcement and that pushing things with him will only make things worse.  Offer "choices" to guide him, making it seem as though HE got to make the decision.  He assured me he will eventually learn to obey and will probably always push limits but that it will get easier.

Basically, he's a handful, he will continue to be a handful, but there's nothing "wrong" with him.

I guess I'm reassured.  Just tired.  And off to read books about strong-willed children.  Oy.

Decision

After talking to my mom (yes, I still ask my mom for advice) who spent 10 years working with an Autism program in the schools, I've decided to call the pedi and take P in.  I'm going to ask for an evaluation.  It could just be that he is strong willed, big personality.  It could just be that he's super smart and gets absorbed in the things he is doing. (Don't even try talking to me when I'm reading. I won't hear you.  It's like that.)  But I've worked myself up into a tizzy worrying now.  Actually allowing myself to worry.  I even took books out of the library on some topics.

Just for the sake of record keeping, the things that are bothering me (and that bothered my mom) are

• obsessive behaviors
• difficult to engage at times (gets so absorbed with things that he will not respond to you)
• no change in how he deals with his brother - basically ignores him, including his safety, most of the time
• discipline, talking do not help with hitting and throwing. no change in that behavior.

Again, this could all be completely normal.  Normal is a broad range.  But I'm going to feel better if I have him evaluated and find out. 

ASD?

I've never considered P's behaviors as indicative of the Autism Spectrum Disorder.  Autism? Not my kid.  He is sociable, fun loving, not at all withdrawn.  But several of my friends whose children are on the spectrum replied to that last post saying perhaps we should have him evaluated based on their experiences with their children.

His well visit is in March, 2 months from now.  So I'm thinking I will bring it up then.  Early Intervention is a bit touchy right now because he is so close to the cutoff, so I'm wondering if it is worth having them come out at this point, or if we could even get in with them.  (Horrid run on sentence, sorry). I think I want some input from the pediatrician first.

It seems odd to take toddler behaviors and diagnose him.  I've obviously never had a toddler before, so just assumed all this stuff is normal toddler stuff.  Especially since he isn't socially awkward, speaks, makes eye contact, and such. Kid comes up to me at least once a day with hugs and "I wuv you Mommy." I don't want to jump and have a diagnosis at such an early age if he is just being a stereotypical toddler.  He is mostly good with other kids. I say mostly because sharing is so not his thing and he is physical about getting his way.
Is it worth seeing the pedi now?  Or wait a couple months?  Thoughts?

God, I really don't want to think about this.