Happy Birthday Finn!!!

A year ago today Phelan flopped on my large pregnant belly, tore the placenta, and less than 12 hours later Finn was here. We survived 12 days in the NICU, and Finn has been getting beat up by his brother for a year now. And I'm still breastfeeding. In 2 days I will have been breastfeeding for a year!!!  Woohoo!  And let me tell you, he shows no signs of stopping any time soon.

Finn is a happy, daredevil child. Laid back. We are so lucky. I love this child.  He is starting to stand independently, will be on whole milk starting tomorrow, and we are working on transitioning to sippy cups.  We're also working on him feeding himself more table foods. He seems to be having texture issues. I think. Or he's lazy, LOL. He's about 20lbs, don't know how tall. I will know that tomorrow at his 1 year well check. He doesn't sleep through the night, but neither does his big brother, so this is nothing new in our world. Mama has adjusted.

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Happy Birthday, Finnegan!!!

Child Care Dilemma (I Hate Money)

We have a sitter because she is way cheaper than preschool, even with my discount. And she can watch them until we get home, which many days is close to 7. Most daycares/preschools close at 6:30 and I WORK until 6:30. Also, most available child care facilities around here are preschools. Not daycares. I would kill for a good ol' daycare with late hours. They are cheaper. But we live in a wealthy area and the wealthy want schools and education for their little ones. Apparently. Sigh.

So the dilemma is that our sitter sometimes can't watch the boys and I have a hell of a time getting ahold of our back up sitter. This week they went to work with me 3 times. The problem with that is that right now we have low enrollment and it can be an option, but soon it won't be. I can't remotely afford to put Finn in, at least until he walks. The infant price is not discounted and is super expensive. P isn't potty trained, and socially is behind his counterparts. Well, more to do with daily structure, really, so he's in with the 2's. That's a little more than the 3's. I want to enroll P full time, but I have to see if our budget can handle it! And just have Finn with the sitter. I think she'd be cool with taking him with her to appointments if she needed to, as he's small and not so wild.

Basically, it comes down to money. I'm realizing that if I worked in another industry I couldn't afford child care AT ALL. If I get the one job I'm hoping to, I'd have to stick with the sitter. For both of them. But it'd be part time. Ugh. I hate money. I just want what's best for my kids. P needs the socialization. And I guess I'm okay with him being in the 2yo classroom. He needs the potty training (although he KNOWS how and when to go, he just refuses) but cognitively he's at Kindergarten level. He reads beyond what any of the other kids, even in Pre-K, do. He doesn't write his own name yet, but that's something I could probably teach him in a weekend. Anyway, point being, there's not as much of the educational stuff in the 2yo classroom. But he likes playing anyway. He carries around a certain puzzle all day, lol. I just don't want him to be bored. But I also feel like they get to be kids without schooling for only so long. Which is why a standard daycare with more playing would be my preference.

Did I say UGH yet? Ugh.

I don't even know what to do or how to make all this work. Adulting sucks sometimes.

A Breastfeeding Encounter

Yesterday we took the kids to this indoor play park. Luckily I got the tickets ahead of time via Groupon because I'm not sure it would have been worth it otherwise, but they had fun, so all is well.

Anyway, I was in the under 2 area with Finn and these 2 girls, probably age 6 or 7, were in there. They were fascinated with Finn. I had to keep reminding them to be gentle as they were manhandling him a bit. Finn got fed up and crawled over to me. He started yanking on my shirt, which means he was ready to nurse, so I pulled down my shirt a bit and we went to town.

The girls had more than a little passing interest in this. So here's how the conversation went.

Girls: What does he want?
Me: He wants to nurse, drink breast milk.
G: What's that?
M: Mommy's make milk and babies drink it.
G: So he doesn't drink out of his own bottle?
M: He does when I'm not around.
G: Does that hurt? Does he have teeth?
M: No, it doesn't hurt, and yes he has teeth.
G: Can we taste the milk?
M: Ummm, no.
G: Can we feel the milk?
M: No, it's inside.
G: (not believing me, they both reach over and poke my boob) I felt it! I felt the milk!
M: Okay.

And then they left. I was dying. I'm sure their parents would be thrilled to know that they touched my boob. I missed a few of the things they said, but that was the gist of the conversation. So funny. And mildly awkward, especially the poking part.

So that's my latest and greatest nursing in public experience. It's the strangest by far.

Sorry

I'm sorry I've been such a downer about Phelan lately. I'm just frustrated and need to let it out. And hoping I'm not the only one who goes through such things with their child. Which it turns out is the case. Hearing about others' struggles makes me feel better. Not that I'm glad they are struggling or have struggled, it just means I'm not alone.

Parenting can be a lonely proposition. It's good to know I have support.

Tears Of Frustration

Raising Phelan is turning out to be the most difficult thing I've done in my life. Some days I don't know what to do. Yesterday he at NOTHING. He had some milk and pediasure and "juice" but that's it. He fought bedtime despite the melatonin and was crying that he was hungry, but wouldn't eat anything. I was in tears. I don't know how to fix things like that. He WILL NOT EAT. I think it's time to seek therapy for the eating issues. The pedi is not worried, but I sure as hell am.

He has nightmares and night terrors. Those are the worst thing ever. All you can do is hold them and hope it's over soon. I dread bedtime. The worst of them tend to occur within an hour of him going to sleep and then we have to start the whole process alllll over. It's heartbreaking.

And I really fear he's going to be 4 before he agrees to potty train. Everyone tells me he won't go to Kindergarten in diapers, but I'm not so sure about that. He simply refuses.

This child is going to be the death of me. I love him to pieces, but he wins, hands down. I'm along for the ride. I can't even imagine what the teenage years will be like. OMG.

Addendum

I spoke with the teacher who had P in the afternoon that day. She said he was NOT doing anything with the chairs. That he was sitting on the reading couch with his lovey just asking for Mommy. So I'm feeling better. Also, a friend told me about this necklace so I think I will order it and give it a go. It can't hurt. I don't want to stifle him at all, but I need some of the wild to go away.

Embarrassed

Friday my sitter, Abuela, was sick and I couldn't get ahold of my old sitter as a back up. I called work and my boss needed me badly, so she told me to bring the boys in with me. Finn I wasn't worried about. He's my easy child. I knew he'd be fine and chill and not be a problem. Phelan...I was really worried about that.

He started off the day okay, and in fact, as far as I know, he did really well all morning. And then it came time for naps. He was "washing his hands" ie playing in the water. He was told he needed to stop and that it was nap time. He proceeded to run screaming around the room "I'm not taking a nap. I want a movie. NO!!!" You get the idea. So they came to find me to find out how to handle him. We fixed that problem. I thought that was it.

Yesterday my boss was telling me that he kinda lost it at the end of the day, too. A parent came to her and said there was a kid in the room she didn't recognize throwing chairs. Boss lady checked, and he wasn't throwing chairs, but it's very possible that he was relocating them. He got very agitated again, and they decided to just bring him to me as I was down to only 2 other kids at the time.

When I dropped him off, I apologized in advance, knowing he'd be difficult. But I'm still so embarrassed. You guys, I try everything with him. It just doesn't work. He is such a handful. People at work are impressed with how I handle the difficult children. It's because I have Phelan. I've seen it all. But I don't know what to do. I can only hope that he will eventually settle down some, but I see ADHD meds in our future.

He can be the sweetest kid on the face of the earth. But when he's done or determined, god help you if you try to deter him. People asked if he would be attending the school. I said that A I can't afford it and B I don't want the teachers to hate me because of my kid.

I love him to the moon and back. But it's so frustrating to feel like a terrible parent because your child is wild and nothing works. He's too young for meds and too young to be diagnosed. So at this point, I just have a strong-willed stubborn wild child. Who runs my house. I feel like the worst parent ever.