You Know You're A Parent When...

...you sacrifice the larger bedroom to your children to save your living room from being a clusterfuck all the time.  And because all you do is sleep* in your room anyway.

...broken bananas make you want to cry because they make your child cry.

...you go to bed when the kids do if you actually want to get sleep*.

...your bathtub is filled with toys that you try not to break your neck on every time you shower**.

...your house is a disaster area ALWAYS and you've given up on it ever looking nice.

...your fridge has marker on it.  So do your walls, dressers, windowsills, and mini blinds.

...goldfish are a food group.  The crackers.  Not real goldfish.

...you consider a shower** your most peaceful and sacred time of day.

...Dr. Seuss is all you're reading these days.  Unless you can squeeze in 5 minutes of alone time.  During which time you probably wish you were getting sleep*.

...you've considered covering your floors with tarps.

Just a few tidbits.

*Sleep is a myth.  One night Finn slept 6 hours straight.  I got 5.5.  I woke up at 2 am refreshed and ready to go.  It was amazing.  It may never happen again.  I can't remember the last time I had regular sleep.

**Showers are also a myth.  Hubby gets them every day. I aim for every 3.  I love showers.  I miss them.

DISCLAIMER:  I wouldn't trade any of this for the world.  But I might for just one night of solid sleep and a longer than 3 minute shower.  So I just want 8 hours and 15 minutes. Then I'm good to go for a long time again.

Love You Forever

A couple weeks ago at Hubby's company Christmas party I was getting antsy to leave.  Things were winding down, but people were still happily talking and hanging out.  I said, "I want to go home and see the kids." Someone, not yet a parent, said, "Aren't they asleep, though?"  I said that yes, they were, but I wanted to watch them breathe.  He was baffled.  His fiance laughed, and I just told him that one day he would get it.

P is nearly 3 years old and I still like to creep in his room and watch him sleep, watch his chest rise and fall, touch his sweet face, kiss it.  While he is asleep I still see my little baby.  He is growing so fast, learning so much, but asleep he is my sweet not threenager baby.

Finn is still my tiny.  Sometimes I have a difficult time falling asleep because I just want to watch him sleep.  8 months in and the miracle that he is mine is still alive and well.  I listen to his breathing to lull me to sleep.  I try to take it all in.

It goes so fast that I don't want to miss a moment.  Even when I can't wait for a few moments to myself, I end up spending them watching my kids sleep.  I can't be the only mom who does this.

One of my favorite books as a child was Love You Forever, which I still need to purchase for myself.  It always made me weepy. I was sentimental even then.  But now, now that I have my own little ones, I UNDERSTAND it.  The urge to hold my babies even while they sleep, to rock them.  Because they will always be my babies.  Until the day I die.

What's It Say?

I had no idea that at 2 years 8.5 months old I would have a kid who could read basic words.  I'm not talking words he learned from videos.  I'm talking words he has never seen.  He can sound out many 2 syllable words, in some cases 3 syllables.  We have trouble with side-by-side vowels and longer words, but really?  He's 2.  This is not surprising.

I can't take any of the credit.  It's all those damn alphabet learning videos with which he is obsessed.  Some of them teach kids to sound out words.  I never thought he paid much attention or could comprehend those.

Apparently he can.

So everything is "What's it say?" from him, and then 9 times out of 10 he will read it himself.  Street signs, books, t-shirts, movie titles on Hulu.  Seriously?  How did I get a kid who can read before he is 3???

I am so in trouble, aren't I?

Christmas Is Coming

I didn't really have any trouble around Thanksgiving, but Christmas is as usual throwing me for a loop.  And harder this year.

We are receiving gifts from the family and once again can't really contribute.  I have homemade gifts in the offing, but can't afford to send them or finish them right now, so everyone is getting their gifts at tax time.  I feel like such a loser.  Christmas is hard when you're poor.  Really hard.

I see signs at the school where I work that the kids have done about donating toys and clothes for those in need and it hits me because that's me.  Some of our gifts for the boys, the ones "from us" are coming from donations - I go "shopping" on Thursday.  I keep crying at work seeing those signs.

And the reality of my dad's death is hitting me hard right now.  First major holiday without him.  All the guilt I have surrounding the last year he was with us.  All he is missing with the boys.  I've cried a lot this week.  I know grief is a process, but goodness, it's hard.  So, so hard.

So Christmas is coming, and I'm excited, but I'm also so, so sad.  Perhaps next year will be better.

Not Allowed

Jim Croce wrote this amazing song back in the day called "Time in a Bottle."  Parenthood makes you want to be able to save that time in a bottle.

That itty bitty newborn.  Such an angel.  So sweet.  And all you want to do is watch him sleep all day.  Sleeping yourself means missing things and that's not okay.  So even though you should be asleep you just watch your baby sleep.  But all that baby does is eat, sleep, pee, and poop.  And you can't wait for the next stage and a smile.  But that means the baby is growing up, and that is NOT ALLOWED.

But then the baby smiles.  And it's the most beautiful thing in the world.  And was that a laugh?  Best sound ever.  Please don't ever leave this stage because it's perfection.  I thought the newborn stage was, but this is obviously perfection so what was I thinking?  But dear baby, you are getting bored so easily, so I wish you could sit or something so that you have more options.  But sitting means you are growing up, and that is NOT ALLOWED.

And then you are sitting, and trying to crawl, and reaching for things and interacting, and OMG could you be any more perfect?  I can predict your moods and needs now and you are so fun!  But you still get bored, so I can't wait for you to crawl because how cute is crawling?  But if you crawl, that means standing and walking follow and that means you are growing up, and that is NOT ALLOWED.

It goes on and on like this.  Each stage is pure perfection but it goes too fast and you want to save every single moment so that you can always have it.  Every perfect moment is bittersweet.

My toddler read a book the other day.  On his own.  That means he is growing up, and that is NOT ALLOWED.

Obsess, Obsess, It Really Is The Best

Phelan is obsessed with the alphabet.  I'm not sure I can emphasize too strongly how much he is obsessed.  And it's been going on for the better part of this year.  He makes us write out the letters over and over and over and...you get the point...on his magnetic board.

Yesterday, at 2 years 8 months, and 2 weeks my son starting writing letters himself.  Not all of them yet, but at least half.  By. Him. Self.

I did the "I'm so proud of my son I can't stand still" dance repeatedly.  I was giddy.  I called AND texted my mom.  Because my 2 year old is WRITING.

Nevermind all the words he recognizes by sight.  Yup, he'll be reading within a year I bet.

Proud, proud mama.

Long Time No See

I logged on to look up something the other day and realized it's been nearly 3 months since I've written.  I'm not sure how that happened.  Other than being insanely busy.

I'm trying to figure out where to go with this.  I don't have the time to read others' blogs these days and feel guilty expecting someone to read mine.  I feel I have lost touch with this whole community and feel terrible about this!  By the time the kids go to bed I want a little down time and then I am usually in bed by 9.  Because if I want any sleep it has to be in the first few hours after they go down.  Because my kids don't sleep through the night.

So, I'm trying to figure out how to make this blog thing work again.  I certainly miss it!  Twitter has become my link to the world these days.  It's quick and dirty.  Which works better when you are a busy mama.  So what do I do?  This blog meant a lot to me for so long but it just feels lost right now.

Must. Figure. Out. What. To. Do.

By the way, the kiddos are great.  I'll try to get some recent pics up.  How is Finn 7 months old tomorrow????