Answers, Decisions, Being An Adult

The post from a couple of days had a couple of interesting comments.  One I accidentally deleted, so I will post it here.  Sorry St Elsewhere for the accidental delete!

You are asking questions that only you have answers to.

I hope you can find them, Kakunaa. How about not being with both the guys and have some sort of self-regrouping, some time-out? 

I feel you are just spiralling...Please take care.

Ahhh, well, time alone - I'm not sure I can manage it.  Hubby will be gone as of Wednesday for Ohio.  I can't bring myself to shut TG out yet.  A lot of that is knowing that soon it will be over anyway.  And I don't want to let down his kids any earlier than necessary.  Oh, wait, did I mention the kids?  Oh, boy.  Yes, 3 of them.  Who like me better than their own mother, one in particular.  TRAIN WRECK.  \

As for spiraling.  Yes, very much so.  I understand addiction much better than I once did.  The want/need to be numb.  To be free of one's brain.  I get it.  Completely.

The second comment that struck me came this morning (or late last night, whatever) and is from an Anonymous commenter.

Might I ask, where is your child in all of this? I know you can't stay in a reationship that doesn't make you happy. That is clearly not the right way to make a happy mommy for your kiddo, but you talk so much about you in these posts. What about him? What is right for him? I pray for strength for you, and answers!

Oh, boy.  Loaded question.  Where is he?  Blissfully unaware of his mama's chaos, thank goodness.  Yes, I talk a lot about me.  Because these are my issues.  But in the end, when all is said and done, long term major decisions are always made with P in mind.  He comes before me at all costs.  Which is why I will suck it up, not run from my marriage just because it has gotten hard, insist on counseling, and try to find my way back.  He is why I sought treatment.  He is why I am on enough meds to sedate an elephant, but not me.  He is why when the time comes I will pack us up and move us to OH to be with Hubby and start our lives there.  What is right for him is parents who love him.  He has that in spades.  He has an amazing father who adores him and is able to play with him in ways I cannot.  He has an army of "aunts" and "uncles" who adore him.  He has grandparents and actual aunts who dote on him.

Taking him away from them is difficult.  But in the end, parents who can afford to put food on the table and can put a roof over his head are pretty damn important.  That isn't happening here.

Hubby and I have faced strife for the duration of our relationship.  Money, injuries, surgeries, IF, money money money...you get the idea.  It's no wonder that it has taken a toll on us.  It's no wonder that our relationship has become more about the business of "living" than love.  We very rarely catch a break.  Not that I'm expecting unicorns and glitter all the time.  Far from it.  But the "for worse" stuff seems to have seriously outweighed the "for better" stuff.  Except for P.  Who is a beacon of light in our mounting disappointments.

So where is he in all of this?  At the forefront of my mind.  My reason for living, for sacrifice, for attempting to face all of this like an adult.  Having a child changes it all.  Everything, EVERYTHING comes back to him.  When it comes down to it, yes, I need to find a healthy happy me.  But not at the expense of him.  I no longer come first, though I'm sure sometimes it seems like that.

Oxymoron Rolled Up In A Conundrum

Have you ever seen the movie Runaway Bride?  Julia Roberts is a woman who has been engaged a number of times and each time runs away on her wedding day.  Richard Gere is a reporter who is assigned to write a story on her.  What he discovers is that she molds herself into what the men she is with want.  To the extent that she no longer knows what it is that she wants, likes, IS.  Sometimes I wonder if that is what I do.

I cling fiercely to my independence and individuality.  But I want to be loved, taken care of.  Does this mean that I really don't want independence?  Or does it mean that I want to make others happy to the point of it being detrimental to who I am?

Am I married for me?  Or simply to make Hubby happy?  Is this the life I dreamt of when I was younger?  No. But I no longer believe that the life I want is possible.  I question myself, all of my decisions.  I feel lost and out of control.

Moving means I will be leaving someone for whom I care deeply.  That someone's heart will be broken.  And I feel horrid.  I feel guilty when I am with him because I'm not at home with Hubby.  When I'm home with Hubby, I feel guilty I am not with this other person (TG).

I feel like I fall for people who are in need.  As though I can fix it.  As though I can make their lives better.  I want to take care of them.  I want to be cared for in return.  But what do I actually WANT?  Do I want this family life?  This "American Dream" sort of life?

Do I fear that by wanting this life I am giving up who I really am?  Or am I questioning it because I always buck the system, yet seem to be living within it?  If I don't fight for my marriage, if I just walk away...I would be doing it because times are hard.  Giving up is not an option.  And if I did, I would end up in another relationship almost immediately.  It's how I am.  I love being independent, but fear being alone.

I am doubting everything.  I am even doubting the love I feel.  If it's really love, or if it's that need to help others.  And then when things get complicated that I am letting everyone down.  Failure is a big issue.  I don't want to disappoint people and end up losing myself in that goal.  At least that's what I think is going on.  Who knows.  Certainly not me.

Confusion, anxiety...these things rule my life right now.  I am happy only when I am escaping/ignoring my real world.  The money issues, the marriage issues.  Escapism is not the solution because eventually reality must be faced.  There is no way around it.  So how do I cope with it.  How do I find a balance?  I thought I had it with Hubby.  Now I'm not so sure.  TG makes me question things.  I know I would have similar issues with him, though.

How can one person be your everything?  I'm not sure I believe in that anymore.  I'm not sure of a lot of things.  I can't cope with difficult things.  If I ignore them, they go away, right?

Who am I?  What do I want?  Am I doing anything for me, am I on a life path that will fulfill me, that will leave me with no regrets when my time comes to leave this earth?

At night I take Hubby's pain pills so that I am so knocked out I can't dream.  Dreams for me are often nightmares - I wake up in a cold sweat freaking out, unwilling to let someone hold me for fear of being trapped.  The fear in those moments is overpowering.  It sends me into a downward spi

I can't work.  I can't cope with reality, bills, money, the things that I need to be able to do to function in this world.  I am a hot mess.  A speeding train that has bad breaks, a sure wreck waiting to happen.  I can barely verbalize all of this.

I need help to let me trust myself to be me within the constraints of everyday life.  I want to not feel like this anymore.  Ever.

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

It's been a while since I have photo bombed you with photos of my kiddo.  Let me give you some updates first.  I am so in awe of my child a, nd all he is.  He is me, little.  As my mother says, "Payback is a bitch."

He is stubborn, headstrong, persistent, a problem solver, and willful.  He throws wicked temper tantrums when taken away from something he wants.  He wants to crawl straight into the pool every time he sees it.  He loves the juice I make (which is how I get his nutrients in since he won't eat vegetables or fruit for the most part).

When he is finished with something he tosses it to the side like garbage, LOL.  He is a dancing fool.  All music, doesn't matter what it is.  He cruises, and has begun to stand independently for a few seconds.  Then he gets excited and topples, which means he has bumps all over.  Walking is just around the corner.  I can't wait :-)  He tries to climb everything.  But he is too short.  But I gotta give him credit for trying!  I see a lot of emergency room trips in our future.  This kid has no fear.

He still sorta of says Ma and Da and means us.  He gets his point across, though signing is a challenge - which is largely my fault.  But we are working on it, and he has his own "signs" for things, so that helps.  And he very clearly says STOP.  Not no, stop.  Yells it right back at us.  And dog.  Sort of.  Same with cat.  Like he means to say it but it comes out funny.  But we tell him, yes that's the dog/cat.  So I think those words will be clearer soon.  Of course, we could be hearing words because we want to.  Always a possibility.  Either way he is a babbling machine.  I keep saying he speaks Portugese.

Anywho, here are some pics from recently.  Watch out, your ovaries will twitch.  Mine do every day dreaming of a sibling.

Mom, look!  I can stand up in the bath tub.  Mom?  You okay?

This grass stuff is kinda cool!

Dad, this is how you do Downward Facing Dog.

I am feeling reflective.  It's been a good afternoon.

Yay!  Road trip.  Where's Ohio?

Woohoo!  Having a great time here!

Okay, I'm ready to get out of here.  

What do you mean we're not even halfway there? 

That's Shana and Gigi.  We had fun at the park near our new house.

Awww, yeah.  French fries at midnight.  Now I'll go to sleep.  Suckers.

Sesame Street is way better in the buff.  Screw diapers.

Seriously, stop chasing me down with that diaper.

Mom and Dad took me to the zoo.  This is the wolf habitat.  I'm named for them!

Woohoo!  Waterfall!

Screw the animals.  I'd rather play in the sandbox.

Shovel!!!

Sometimes Mama misses my tired cues and I just sleep on the floor.

I am determined to get up this hill.  I can do it!

OMG this tastes like crap. WTF Mom.  What's wrong with this banana?

Oh!  Dad!  Here I come!

They finally let me in the water!  Woohoo!  Thanks Dad!

I love me some pool time.

Even the railing is cool!

Holy shit!  I can walk in the water!  This is cool!

We went on another damn road trip to the place in Ohio.  They finally let me out to play a bit!

This picnic table is AWESOME!

And then they put me back in this damn chair.  

Look what I found!  Toilet paper!  Holy crap this is fun!

Why didn't they ever give me this before?  Why do they keep it from me?  It's awesome!

I love you, Mom!

Lastly, I give you a video of my kiddo hearing Tom Petty for the first time.  I nearly peed myself laughing.  I love this amazing kid so much.

Hope you enjoyed the photo dump.  Later gator!

Revelations

In the brief course of my therapy to date (4 sessions) a few things have come to light.  Or rather, I have acknowledged a few things, some we have discussed, and some I have discerned based on said discussions.  As I am learning though, my ability to self-analyze is only part of the process.  Overcoming those things, and figuring out a way to cope with them in a productive manner is the crux really.

The first came at session #2.  I had P with me due to a lack of a sitter.  As ever, he was charming and talkative and active.  At one point he got frustrated because he couldn't get behind my chair no matter how much he tried to force himself through the space available.  I said to him, "Well, stop trying to go places you don't fit," or something to that effect.  This stopped the conversation as my therapist said, "now that's interesting, what you just said."  Yup, it was.  She dropped it, but it got  me thinking.

I have spent much of my life not belonging.  Feeling separate, different, awkward.  But it has never stopped me from trying, even when I was fighting the flow at the same time.  I am a chameleon.  I can, as necessary, blend in.  But it doesn't last long because I DON'T belong.  I AM socially awkward.  I AM different.  But what's behind this?  WHY do I try so hard to fit in and not fit in all at the same time?  I seek approval.  I seek validation.  Use your powers of deduction to figure out where that may have started...story as old as time.  But because of the public nature of my blog (that's what I get for going public) I will not be specifying.

This led, in the next session, to a discussion of why I spiral down when things go awry in my life.  Why they are triggers.  FAILURE.  I'm not scared, on my own, of failure.  Without failure there is no growth.  It goes back to the first part, the approval seeking.  And when I fail, it's not me I'm letting down (I apparently couldn't care less about myself), it's that I am failing...you guessed it...my family.

My biological family, and my chosen family.  I end up with this feeling that I have not fulfilled my potential. That I am letting people down.  The thing is, I should be worried about whether I am letting MYSELF down.  Yes, others should be a concern, but not the focus.  I can't be strong until I TAKE CARE OF ME.  Which I don't do.  Not really.  Not truly.  Those failures knock me on my ass and make me feel ashamed of yet one more thing I cannot do right, of one more thing I gave up on, of one more thing to prove I could do better but don't.  I AM A LETDOWN.  At least, that's my perception every time something falls through.

I'm not sure I'm getting this out right.  It doesn't feel like I'm explaining it the way I feel it. As though it is getting stuck in my chest, that brick wall coming up between my heart and my "mouth."

I shut down when overwhelmed.  I want to sleep.  To eat ice cream all day.  When faced with a mountain of work, I see an insurmountable mountain range.

I need to fix things.  People.  Not me, oh, no.  Everyone/thing else.  I am beginning to think I don't even really know who I am.  That I am still searching.  I am also learning that this therapy thing is really hard work.  Yes, work.  Essentially, I have to figure out the why, allow myself to let it out, allow myself to fall.  Because at the end, at the bottom of that fall is ME.  And a life I can cope with.  But it's scary as shit.  Denial is so much easier.  Hiding is so much easier.  Can I just stick my head in the sand, wave a magic wand, and be better?  Please?

Moving Forward

I want to apologize for the radio silence, as it were.  It has been an up and down month.  A lot has happened.  Some changes, big ones, are in our near future.  I am slowly getting better.  There are good days, and there are bad days.  But far more good than bad, though my anxiety and insomnia are not under control.  I am in therapy, once a week usually.  I really like my therapist, which is good.  We have only met 3 times, though, so it is early days.  There have been some revelations.  Things I knew, but had never vocalized. I have realized that I understand many of my issues, can analyze the shit out of them, but cannot emotionally overcome them.  The illness takes over.  Logic means nothing.  I have also realized that I am good at analyzing for others.  Very good.  It makes me consider going back to school when the opportunity arises for psychology.  I think.  That's one idea anyway.

I have been blocked.  I couldn't write.  I'm still having issues.  Me.  Who has no filter and has spewed so much on this blog.  I have regularly made light of things, joked, and generally let you into my life.  Right now I am having difficulty with that.  I write posts in my head.  All the time.  But when it comes to actually putting it out there...I really don't know why I am unable to express all of this shit in my head.

The things that run through my head, the struggles I am facing, admitting to myself, the fear I have for myself, my family...I can't seem to put it out there.  Writing it down, sharing it with you means I am out there, exposed.  And while I know that it will bring me support, I still can't get it down on "paper."  I am trying, though.  Trying  not to be shut down.  Self preservation, maybe?  Just writing this post, an overview, no really personal information, is making my anxiety flare up.  But I also know that if I don't let it out I cannot heal.  So I will do my best to get it out there.  Starting tomorrow I will open myself up as much as I can.

But for now, I mentioned big changes!  I have big news.

We are moving.  In a couple of months, we will be moving to Delaware, OH.  Whenever my f'ing settlement comes through.  It's a small town half an hour north of Columbus.  There are tons of job opportunities, and the cost of living is lower.  It was a gut-wrenching decision.  My mother is devastated that I am taking her grandson away, and the guilt I feel is epic.  I have cried over it quite a bit.  I know why, and I will get into it in a future post.

But, and here is the best part, we bought a mobile home there.  As in owning our own (small) house with low lot rental in a small park, only 50 or so homes.  It's a quiet neighborhood.  Many parks nearby, and an amazing community pool.

This is our new house.  Small, but OURS, which is the most important thing.

I have big plans for landscaping, fencing in a yard, a vegetable garden next summer....
The interior is semi-modern.  We have already purchased paint for the living room/kitchen area, as well as our bedroom.  And I pretty much know what I am going to do with P's room.  Unfortunately, I will have to do it after we move in unless I take another trip out there.

Which will be difficult as I am going to hit up a local temp agency here so that I can get us some money for now. Hubby's job cut his hours drastically and we need money!  I am terrified, but I will get through it.

Anywho, here are some lousy pics of the house.

P's room.  HUGE closet.  

Bathroom vanity.  Keeping the color and adding accents.
Needs new flooring.  Fun project!  The shower/tub is
amazeballs.  As in step in HUGE soaking tub.  Woot.

Kitchen.  Open to living room.  Not as much counter space as I would like
but tons and tons of storage. 

Living room.  Setup may be awkward, but I will figure it out.  There is a
hand through window from kitchen, and a counter where we can eat.
So I have to keep that space open.

Looking toward the rear of the house.  Will be replacing all of that flooring
as well.  That door at the end is our room, and just before that to the right
is where our washer and dryer (once we have them) will go.  

Our room.  Also a huge closet, thank goodness!

This is the little office alcove in our room.  Built in table.  Love it.

Another view...just cuz P is in it :-)  He was very excited to check out the house.
He even shut himself in his room, LOL.

This is the old school radio built into the wall in the living room.  It works.  And there is a speaker
in the ceiling of the living room and our room.  Cheesy, yet cool.

The cabinets are horrid, LOL.  But with some wood filler, sand paper, and paint...
they will be awesomesauce.

So, that's the tour.  I didn't do many outside shots as we aren't sure where property line is, and really, it's boring.  In my head it will be gorgeous, but it will take some work.

So, yeah, that's my big news.  We are officially home owners, albeit it a mobile home.  Whatever.  It's ours.  Which is kind of surreal.

That's my news for today.  I promise.  I am back.  I can do this.

500th Post: Learn Your ABC's

500 posts deserved something away from the crazy of my life right now.  I have been sitting on this waiting for a time to do it, so here we go!
ABC's of Me

(A) Age: 34

(B) Blog Title Inspiration: I kept saying that I needed to be "sperminated" so I had to find some catchy way to incorporate that!  That was when it was "Spermination Station."  Last summer I was, I think, listening to Meatloaf.  He has a long called "Out Of The Frying Pan."  It came to mind.  It reminds me of parenting. But in my case, it began, sort of, in a petri dish.  So, there you go.

(C) Chore You Hate: Folding socks.  They pile up for months and we have to dig through the pile for pairs, LOL.

(D) Dream Job:  There are a couple - National Geographic Photographer, or Travel Journalist.

(E) Essential Start Your Day Item: Large, strong cup of black tea when I am allowed. 

(F) Favorite Color: The rainbow!  I hate picking just one. 

(G) Gold or Silver? Silver

(H) Height: 5'4"

(I) Instruments You Play: Well, I started on French Horn, but it died, then trumpet.  But honestly I don't do practice.  Bores me silly.  So...nothing really.  I like to bang on my djembe!

(J) Job Title: Super Mom.

(K) Kids: Our little miracle, Phelan (aka Peanut); Furbabies: Buddha (dog); Cleo, Frida, and Oreo (cats); Crush (tortoise).

(L) Live: Pennsylvania in the Slate Belt. 

(M) Mom's Name: Cindy

(N) Nicknames: Gevvy, Gev, GV, Vieve, Troll, Rainbow, Iron Chef, Attila the Hippie, Ben, Ben Dover, Naked Bubble Girl -- and there have been many many others.

(O) Overnight Hospital Stays? Exploratory Lap in college; 3 times during pregnancy.  Once for delivery.  So that makes 5 times, 4 due to baby boy.

(P) Pet Peeve:  Ignorance by choice - i.e. beliefs or ignorance bred by not learning things on your own.  The material is there.  Don't take a stance just because that's what Mom and Dad said. 

(Q) Quote from a Movie: Oh, man...I have soooo many favorites.  One of my all-time favorites has to be, "Oh Captain, my Captain."  Absolutely one of the most moving moments in movie history as far as I am concerned.

(R) Right or Left Handed? Right

(S) Siblings: 3 sisters - Sister is 33, Lil Sis is 26, and Littlest is 20

(T) Time You Wake Up? My bladder tends to wake me around 6 am; if not then, my 13 month old alarm clock tends to go off around 6:30 am.
(U) Underwear: I didn't used to wear them regularly at all - living in Africa and at a camp and needing to pee in nature a lot led me to wear regularly.  Drip dry without undies blows.  I have all kinds...depends on my mood.

(V) Vegetable You Dislike: Brussel Sprouts, Lima Beans, Eggplant, Beets, and Radishes...alright, I am wicked picky about my veggies.

(W) What Makes You Run Late: Right now, Peanut.  Or Hubby.  I never used to be late.  LOL

(X) X-Rays You've Had Done: Feet, knees, back, neck, left wrist, right thumb

(Y) Yummy Food You Make: Shrimp and asparagus risotto, corn and crab chowder, spicy peanut and sweet potato soup. 

(Z) Zoo, Favorite Animal: giraffes!

ABC's of TTC

A. Age when you started TTC: 30

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex.

C. Children wanted:  2

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children:  See above!

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: I didn't take anything really for TTC.  Did a lot of pineapple and pomegranate and wheat grass during our IVF cycle.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Lupron, PIO, Gonal-F, HcG, Ovidrel

G. Gain:  Didn't gain while TTC...in fact, the stress made me lose weight.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram):  yes...and Fate willing, never again!  It was horrendous.  Both my tubes are blocked.


I. Infertile Pet Peeves:  Assvice

J. Job title: Technical Care Specialist

K. Kids' names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them:  So not worried about that.

L. Length of time TTC:  We spent 15 months trying before seeing an RE. 2 years 3 months before our BFP. 


M. Miscarriages: No, thank goodness!

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs:  NONE  

O. Ovarian quality:  Fantastic, thank goodness!

P. POAS or wait for AF:  I POAS at first.  Then I just stopped.  My rule was 5 days late.  Unfortunately, sometimes that is a normal cycle for me.  Now...never, LOL.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile:  Upon hearing I was undergoing IVF: "What, you don't like sex?"  

R. RE, OB/Gyn or other? RE

S. Sperm: What sperm?  No sperm here.

T. Time you tried naturally:  5/08-9/09

U. Uterus quality:  According to all tests, good.  However, it doesn't apparently like keeping baby in full-term.

V. Vagina: Well, now, I've had quite a few compliments...oh, medically?  Good.

W. What baby stuff do you already have?  We became the hand-me-down king and queen. There is stuff EVERYWHERE. 

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey?  I think the mailman might be in the dark...but that's probably about it.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Yup, and must go next month.  Sigh.

Z. Zits: Got tons of them during BCP and early pregnancy.  Otherwise they are rare.

He Dropped A Bomb On Me

2 days ago we received a check from the US Government for $10k.  For Hubby.  Seems it is the back SS pay from when he first applied a few years ago.  Ummm, yeah.

The same day, Hubby found this listing for a mobile home close to the old 'hood.  Here is an outside photo.  We are going to go look at it today or tomorrow.

Yes, that is a big gorgeous tree, a yard, already fenced, and a storage shed.  What????  Yeah.

But, this is not the bombshell.  

Last night Hubby left me a voicemail (I missed the call) that he is now on board with an out of state move.  

...

That was the sound of the crickets that I heard in my head after he said that.

2 months ago I would have jumped on that.  Now...I am hesitant.  For a few reasons...like my mental health issues and starting therapy.  But we are really running out of options here.  Yes, my family is here.  But the jobs aren't.  Not the kind I like.  But therapy...and family...

I honestly don't know what the best choice for us as a family is right now.  I feel like I can't make decisions right now.  Other than what's for dinner.  You should see me trying to get dressed.  That is horrendous.  That's how hard decisions are right now.  

And yet...we all of a sudden have a couple choices.  What's best?  I have no idea.  None.  Nada.