Who Am I, Why Am I Here

This mama needs to make some changes.  My former libido, well, let's just say that a three-toed sloth only needs 1 foot to count how many times I've knocked boots this year. 
A plan is required. 

Step one began yesterday.  30 min cardio every day after work.  I have to start slowly as I am so out of shape, but it's a start.  I will work up to heavier cardio.  With any luck this will jump-start my metabolism.  Until I can feel good about my body again, I will have some serious issues letting someone else have access to it.  I'm not confident in being sexy right now.  More like frumpy and fat.

Step two:  I HAVE to find the time to shave.  I am Chewbaca.  I hate doing it, I hate the time involved, I hate that it takes something that is totally sexist to make me feel sexy, but maybe it will help.  For now anyway.  You know, pretend I am a girl as well as a sleep-deprived Mama with no free time.

Step three: Began this last night as well.  Crib transitioning.  So that there is not a baby between us at night.  The crib is now riding sidecar toddler bed style, mattresses at the same level.  Now I just have to get Hubby to come to bed before, oh, 1:30 am when there is no way in hell he is getting laid as I only have 2 more hours to sleep.  Hopefully this will change some WHEN he is working.  (Positive thinking).

Step four: This will be difficult.  The zoloft has killed my sex drive, BUT I had a seriously racy dream last night, so maybe things are getting moving in the right direction.  I need to make time to actually interact like a married person with Hubby.  I mean, kisses, PHYSICAL CONTACT.  The way I feel these days, I kinda just want to be left alone, but everything takes work, so I have to overcome the numb. 

Step five: Date nights?  I would love to implement these.  First we need money for a sitter...and the insanity of the holidays needs to pass.  Then maybe?  I hope?  Not that we had these before, but when it was just the 2 of us, it wasn't really necessary.  We don't even really cuddle any more.  So sad.  Time to fix this.  But after the holidays and WHEN Hubs has a job. (see the positivity?)

So that is my 5-step plan.

 Thoughts?  Ideas?  Help me have a marriage again, please.  I have attached so much of my identity to that little butterball that I seem to have forgotten what got me here. 

A Trip To The Tree Farm

I didn't do a FNL because, well, my week sucked, culminating with Friday.  I didn't want to unload again.  So, we got through the day...including our first family Christmas tree.

Before I share, a cool thing this week: P finally figured out how to roll back to front.  Which causes hilarity as he now travels by rolling.  Not very far, but if I put him down on his belly, within 10 minutes he is in another location entirely, usually facing the complete opposite direction.  He is so stinking cute sometimes I can't stand it.

Anywho, to redeem our shitty day, we got the first tree.  And we went to a local tree farm and had to cut it ourselves (read: I took pics while Hubby cut down the tree).  The man running the place was awesome, and he let us see the chickens and rabbits for P, and we had a lovely chat - much in common, and I'm glad the one closer was closed, as I feel it was kismet that led us to this one instead.  Enjoy the pics!

Hubby hard at work.

P watching Daddy and trying to figure out what the hell he is doing.

Tree: Acquired

P observing the readying of the tree.

My artsy-fartsy photographer side came out while we were in their barn
and I couldn't resist a few photos.  I'm sparing you some, but this struck
me when I saw it and I HAD to shoot it.  

I took 4 of these, one each with a different color highlighted....considering
a framed version with all 4.  You know, when we have money.  And I get
all the other stuff I want done first, LOL.

P thought the rabbit was uber soft.  The rooster
that was there kept crowing, and P would answer
back.  It was awesome!

Again, couldn't resist.  I could have spent hours
photographing inside this barn.  I may go back and
do just that.  I am sending them some of the photos
I shot :-)

Crazy Lady Rant

There is so much on my mind, so much I want to write about. But I'm tired of being a Debbie Downer. I don't want to always be "woe is me."

But I'm tired of making decisions that rob Peter to pay Paul. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like we get something good to happen and then just as quickly a series of shit-on-us days. We had our dream come true in P earlier this year, and I feel like I almost can't enjoy that fact as much as I want to.

YES. I want my goddamn cake and a fork with which to eat it. I want to just grow my family like a freaking normal person. Wah. Pity Party. I know, I know. But could I get just a little bit of time to truly enjoy things before fretting about something else? Fuck.

I need to figure out a way to bring back me and Hubby time. To overcome the lack of sex drive. (Side note: someone played with my hair today because it hasn't been this long in a while and it ellicited a response I didn't expect...I need to make that happen at home.) I think the money frustrations and me going to bed so early and feeling like a flabby tub of lard are all contributing to not wanting to be...naked. Really, with anyone.

You know what I want most? I want a chance to cry. To let out all this fear and anger and frustration. I want a night to cuddle. Just cuddle. With no pressure or, ummm, pokes. I feel like I need to start over. I need to be wooed. And I need some bloody foreplay. I don't want a quickie. My body needs some encouragement these days. And even though P barely nurses these days, I still feel like my BBs are off-limits...which is NOT helping.

I feel the need for some major changes. MAJOR. Like, an overhaul of my life and person and ...whatever all goes with that.

And since I'm being a whiny brat, let me put it all out there. That overhaul needs to include some decisions about Christmas. Because right now I am hating it. I used to LOVE Christmas. Love it. I love the SPIRIT of it. I won't get into the things that have slowly encroached into my Christmas joy, but suffice it to say that currently, it deals with money. I am tired of being the family members who can't give back. I'm tired of seeing dear friends struggling to buy gifts for their children. It shouldn't be a choice between food and gifts. I hate that we are doing food and clothing drives at work and I'm thinking...I want to give, but I actually NEED these things.

I over-empathize. I know this. But I think a discussion with Hubby is going to happen wherein we start a tradition, now, before P knows any different, that Christmas in our family involves stockings maybe, but that we give our TIME for the season. We go volunteer. Something.

How we will reconcile this with the rest of the family. To be fair, it has become very low key in terms of gifts. "Need, Read, Eat, Play" Unfortunately this year I pretty much only managed need and read for mostly everyone. So maybe it won't be that hard. I don't want P to ever feel sleighted though. So we need to start teaching him the true spirit early.

See, this is why I haven't been blogging lately. I am so overwhelmed...I don't even know where to start. And I can't even consolidate my thoughts into concise, well-written information. So, today, you get verbal diarrhea. I'm sorry. But thank you thank you thank you for listening. Seriously. Without you all this would all be oh, so much harder.

Complete?

With my fluctuating mental state, my feelings about Cricket 2.0 change sometimes from hour to hour. Some days I think, "No way can I go through the 8 months of puking, possible bedrest, lack of sleep for god knows how long...no way can I fret wondering if embryos take, or that if it doesn't work we really have no more options." It's too much.


And then I have times like over this past weekend. Friday evening P got a chance to hang out with Niece. And he's now old enough to interact. They were kissing on each other, trading toys back and forth. Interacting. Like siblings (really close in age) might.

And then I see 2 children in my head, playing on the floor...not the 2 in front of me, but P and another could-be sibling. I see him kissing a baby brother or sister on the forehead. I SEE it. Like ghosts of children future.

I get baby fever around newborns, feel my ovaries and uterus literally ache, but it's seeing P with other children that totally sets off my IF meltdown mode. It's when I know that I should NOT make the decision to give up when I am down. It's when I know that my family doesn't feel complete. It's when I know that even though I'm exhausted, scared of failure, scared of handling 2 children, that I want a sibling for our sweet boy.

Here's the thing...I think if we need to make the decision that he is to be our only child that I will somehow learn to cope. He is an active kiddo, and giving him all of our attention won't be such a bad thing. I'm not there yet, but some days I am close.

If you decided to forgo further treatment and enjoy your one miracle, how did you decide that? Was it difficult? How did you let go?

FNL: The One Where I Seek Public Assistance

• We had our WIC appointment Wednesday.  And I did my first WIC purchase today.  I thought I would feel some issue regarding my pride doing this, but it turns out I really don't.  Having jarred food is weird, but it comes in handy for packing for overnight trips.  Hope he likes it!  The formula alone is worth it!
• There were itty bitty newborns at the office...OMG can you say baby fever?  Here I am sitting in a public assistance office, needing money, and all I can think is, "I want Cricket 2.0".  Hmmmm, anyone see the conflict there?
• I also started canning this week!  Have been meaning to for ages, and Christmas' "eat" item pushed me into it.  Have made Ginger Pearsauce and Spiced applesauce.  Up soon are chutney and marinara.  I can only do fruits as I do not have a pressure canner.  It's kinda cool to see jars I processed in my pantry :-)
• P's hair appears to have started growing at long last.  Not much, but definitely a start.  I can't wait to see how it grows as it is apparent that he has a few wicked cowlicks.  And I want to see if sperm daddy's waves win out over my uber straightness.
• He also will FINALLY hold a bottle, though we have to trick him into it, and it's not every time.  However, sippy cups/straws are still an epic failure.
• Speaking of sperm daddy...I put a post on a DSR a number of months ago, but can't afford to register to get email addys of those on there.  The other day I got an email from one of  the donor siblings' mothers!  Mom of T, aged 7.  I even have photos!  Hard to tell with all of P's chub, but he seems to have the same cheeks and ears.  Her son is also uber chipper and active and sleepless.  Can you say "modern families?"  All together now...
• Hubby's license showed up!  3 days after he mailed the request in.  The school had never sent it, the bastards.  But the good news is that he will be starting a temp job this upcoming week whilst he looks for something both more permanent and with better pay.  Thank goodness!
• I survived the week that never ended!  I took unpaid time off a couple of days for a break.  Nope, can't afford it.  Don't care.
• My back is worse...I now have a tingly spot, on and off.  So off to the doctor I went finally.  Will be having it x-rayed Monday after work.  Doubt anything shows up.
• We are starting to water down P's bottles at night in an attempt to wean him from night feedings.  First night didn't go very well.  Also going to move crib up into our bedroom for the purposes of transitioning to the crib.  I love having him next to me, but it is wearing on me with the no sleeping thing.  I bet that is half the trouble with my back.  And I miss cuddling with Hubby.  This way he is still close by and knows it.  Hoping for some progress. 
• Heading to Nana's for tonight and tomorrow...which means they play with P and I hopefully get Christmas cards addressed and ready to go as well as finish up some Christmas projects.  No lounging for me...this is a business trip!
• During this time Hubby has promised to clean the house...not holding my breath.
• I still get a kick out of seeing P smile in his sleep.  Makes my day.  :-)  I promise more videos next week...my blogging took a side seat to naps this week while I tried to survive the scheduling transition.
• 2 weeks till Christmas!  Gah!  Project overtime begins now!  

Enjoy your weekend!  

  

PYHO: The Weight Of Him

The to-do list I wrote up crinkles in my pocket as he adjusts his position, letting out a little sigh of contentment.  My left arm is asleep because when he fell asleep, he leaned onto my bicep.  The room has gone dark in the last hour, but the lights remain off.  The cats are begging for food, the dishes offend the eyes, and fur swirls under the fan along the carpet.

All of the thing that need to be done are, again, put on the back burner.  The Christmas gifts I need to finish?  The pie I promised?  The laundry that never gets put away? 

None of it matters in these moments.  The weight of him, the incredible warmth he gives off, the softness of his skin.  These things combined create magic, a feeling indescribable by words alone.  Perhaps with the addition of an orchestra and light show it could be done.  But I don't think so.  This time with him, these stolen moments when other things should be done, are priceless.

One day in the not-so-distant future, he won't need me as much.  He won't think the perfect place to rest is my body.  He will want to run, to jump, to have independence.  I will have to sneak the nuzzles of his neck, his scalp.  Tracing the lines of his hands, the creases in his wrists will no longer be a daily possibility, but a stolen luxury.

One day he will actually become the little boy I see in him so often now, and not a baby anymore.  He won't roll over seeking me, sleeping only when his hand comes in contact with my shoulder, when he can smell my skin close to his.  He won't regularly bury his head in my chest, bashful and loving, or reach up to touch my cheek while nursing or drinking a bottle.

And so that to-do list in my pocket will wait, will grow wrinkled, be lost until it turns up in the wash.  The cats will wait a little longer for food.  The furbaby dust bunnies will accumulate and the dishes will pile up.  Because in these moments, the weight of him is the most important thing, the most precious thing.  It is my reason for waking, for working.  The rest can wait while I drown in his softness, his odor, his absolute trust in me.  The rest doesn't matter while the weight of him fills my heart.

FNL: I'm Cranky This Week



• Have I told you that P's penis has become an innie because he is so chubs?  Looks like a little finger trap.  Hysterical trying to clean it!
• I had to make up our Holiday card list - NOT EASY! 
• P only woke up once Monday night...it was AWESOME!  I slept for nearly 5.5 hours straight.  Ahhhhhhh :-)
• My boobs have officially started shrinking.  Sigh.  All flab now.  Yick.
• P is VERY grabby right now.  It's all "mine mine mine" without the actual word.  If it is within reach, he will fight you for it.  Strong little booger.
• The driver's license drama continues.  It never showed.  The school will not return calls.  Because it is a CDL and the address of record is the school's, if he goes out there to request a duplicate, it will be mailed to the school again.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Only option is to request his records...by SNAIL MAIL.  And then pray the PA DMV will take those in order to process the license transfer.  Yes, this will take several more weeks. No, we are not happy people.
• Remember the epic fall I had a couple months ago?  My rib is STILL out of place.  Chiropractor puts it back, it pops back out.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  Pain, drugs, pain, drugs.  You get the idea.  
• P is slowly being weaned onto table food chopped and mushed into teeny pieces, for dinner only, as that is the only meal for which we can do that.  With iffy results.  He will really eat just about anything.  Including mildly spicy things.  It also forces me to make healthy meals every night.  This is a good thing.
• He had yet another nasty yeast infection right around his bum-hole this week.  So bad it was bleeding and warranted a trip to the doctor where we discovered he is still gaining about 1/2 a pound a week.  22lbs 11oz as of Monday.  CHUB!  We had fun at the doctor though!

Reading in the waiting room.

Thigh Chub!

Hmm, how much do I weigh?

Woohoo!  This table is fun!

• Poo has become more regularly "solid" meaning we can use the flushable liners successfully, and therefore, less time spent spraying out poop explosion diapers.  Yes, this is exciting. 
• I feel I have been very negative lately, and I'm sorry.  Work has been rough, and the financial/roomie issues are getting to me.  I really am trying to see the bright side of things. 
• So if you can figure out a bright side to the hole I found in a molar at the gumline which is forcing me to go to the dentist for the first time in longer than I can remember.  I HATE the dentist.  I don't wanna.  Sigh...going to suck it up and make an appointment today...
• Speaking of teeth...I think the "teething" was not teething.  No teeth as of yet.  Nada, zip, zilch.  But I do think we will potentially see movement by Christmas.  Maybe.  Or maybe we will still just have the worm.  Who knows.  It is all a big guessing game :-)

Happy Friday to those of you for whom this is actually Friday!  Go have a weekend for me.