Still Crazy After All These Pills

The above title post should be sung to Simon and Garfunkels "Still Crazy After All These Years". I'm thinking of rewriting the whole song....hmmmm....that would give me something to do for the next 2 weeks.

That's right, bleeps. Another 2 weeks off in crazy-land. I have to fight THE MAN a bit harder for these 2, but that puts me back at work a mere week before starting my IVF cycle. LOL. The irony is awesome.

So, update on crazy land is as follows: still barely sleeping (Insomnia, I hate you). Still having panic attacks, just not as frequently. Still breaking down crying randomly. Well, breaking down and no tears come because of the meds, but still. So, verdict is...da da dum: keep Zo.loft dose the same and give it 2 more weeks to stabilize me. Stay on At.avan for attacks. Add Lu.nesta for insomnia. And continue to relax and hide from the world and situations that make me freak out. And find a therapist I like and can deal with.

Now, I am supposed to be GAINING weight before my cycle because I'm on the low end of healthy for my height and what not. I struggled to put weight back on after my initial drop of 10 lbs in January right after DH's Dx. I got there. But I've lost a few. I'm losing ground. Turns out Zo.loft can cause weight loss. I'm gonna have to break out the big guns.

Also, RE nurse says I will most likely have to discontinue Zo.loft while cycling, along with all my other happy drugs. This terrifies me. I'll finally get to a point where I can deal (I hope) and then have to stop those meds and start all the hormones that will make me WORSE!!! How on earth am I going to work? Only saving grace is the intermittent (read UNPAID) FMLA for which I have been approved once I do go back to the real world. Oh, yeah, I'm relaxing. No problem.

I want to apologize for being a Debbie Downer. I try not to dump ALL of this on friends and family, because then they don't want to talk to me. Who would? So I vent it all out here. I know that's the point, but I hate being a whiny bitch.

Having said that, I would also like to thank all of my bleeps who commented on yesterday's post with fantastic advice and support regarding marriage and IF. I REALLY appreciate it. You ladies make my day sometimes. So, Thank You Very Much :)

Wanting to be Wanted

Yesterday I retreated to Frog and Pixies for cuddles and love. I needed to be held. And to cry....which I did in spades. DH was at work, and, well, not around. I don't think he knows what to do with me. How to comfort me. He retreats into games and to his friend who acts as though he is 12, driving me up the wall.

I know I am blessed not only to have a husband who adores me, but also Frog and Pixie who love me. I am thrice blessed in love. I can feel F and P's love, and how much they want me there, want to hold me. I don't always feel that with DH. He wants so badly for me to be okay that he lets me go and be elsewhere, not understanding I go there to get what he withholds.

Have I told him this? Not in so many words. I don't want him to feel guilty. He's let me spend the last 2 weeks moping, watching TV, crying, and basically whatever else I want to do. Makes me sleep in. (Now if only I could get him to do housework). But what I want most from him is to be held.....to feel the want and love flowing off of him.

I'm a very physical person....I crave touch. I NEED touch. He needs to hide. I get that. I get that we handle things differently. I suppose if I can get what I need from anyone, then I should count myself lucky, but I miss the passion. All of this has taken that away from us. It's all finances, medicine, and even BD is lacking. Because it's hard to see the point. How terrible does that sound????

Does anyone else feel this in their marriage? That IF has turned it into a passionless void? *Sigh*. Maybe I'm just hard to please. Maybe once we are actually cycling it will be better. I dearly hope so.

Always There, Never Gone, Forever Strong

Grown In My Heart is presenting a Mother's Day Adoption Carnival. The idea is to post a photo of your Mom(s), and write a piece about them in 6 words. Unfortunately I have no decent photos of my MIL's just of them, but they, too, shall be honored today. However, my mother is one of my favorite subjects. We have had our issues, on and off, over the years, but nevertheless, she is one of the most beautiful women I have ever known. 6 words....that is difficult, but here goes: "Always there, never gone, forever strong."

Happy Mother's Day to all the mommy's, and also to those of us striving to be a mommy to something other than a furbaby. Or to our friends. Or just in our hearts. You are all amazing, strong, beautiful women - and we will all somehow survive this terrible ride on the IF Rollercoaster and come out the other side stronger, more compassionate, and forever changed, but ever more beautiful for it.

2 Mother's Days ago is right around when I went off of BCP and we began TTC. I thought for sure by last year, I'd be a mother, have a baby keeping me up all hours. Alas, it was not to be. So, I thought, this year. But then we got the reality of male and female factor infertility. Doing the BD became irrelevant, and our lives changed forever.

I have refused to purchase anything baby related during this process. Can't do it....including the fabulous wooden rocking bassinet I found for $25, antique. But friends have outwitted me. One is holding all of her maternity clothes, and a baby swing for me. She is confident we will prevail on our IVF cycle. Yesterday, Pixie and Frog found a crib circa 1979, metal, probably not considered safe anymore, in their crawl space, that has decorations that to them screamed my name. And so, I have inherited a crib. I don't even know how to feel about it.

But it's coming home to be cleaned up, and .... I don't think I can put it in the spare room, the current cat room, yet. So probably store it in the basement. But maybe I can look at it as hope, as "when" instead of "if" and use it as inspiration. I have a crib.

I have included a video this post. When I first heard this song YEARS ago, I thought, "When I have a daughter, (or son, but I always imagined a daughter) I will sing this to her...this will be the song I will learn and sing to her." It's the closest I have to having purchased baby things in anticipation, besides the names picked out years ago. I want to share it with you. The artist's name is Vienna Teng, and I'm playing it for the daughter I will someday have. To you, my love.

Photo Tag!

Mrs. Gamgee has thrown out a challenge. It is supposed to be to tag 8 fellow bleeps and do this yourself, but like Mrs. Gamgee, I am just going to throw it out there to my followers and maybe some of you will do it. Here it is:

1) Go to your photo files, select the 8th photo folder.
2) Select the 8th photo in that folder.
3) Post that photo along with the story behind it.

4) Then challenge 8 blogging friends to do the same!

So, I was thankful to see that my 8th folder did not contain any nude photos. LOL. Yes, there was that possibility. What you get instead, is the above photo, not taken by me, of our furbaby Buddha. This is before we got him, a pic emailed to us so we could see his adorable self before going to get him.

Now, he came with the name Buddha, because he was a big round belly as a young pup. Let me just state that his is the least Buddha-like creature known to man.

Here he is as he looks now (though this photo is a year old, and he was a mere 9 months old at the time, and very furry with a winter coat). But basically, he barely holds still, so this is the best one to see him.

Case in point about being non-Buddha-like....we are dog-sitting a friend's dog, named Bandit. Buddha has been getting completely out of control with jealousy when Bandit tries to snuggle with us. Last night DH and I were at Frog and Pixie's for dinner and fireworks from the carnival. Bandit's mom had told me to put him in the basement as he freaks out when there are fireworks. So we did. Put them both down there. Came home to a torn up basement door and lots of blood. Bandit ripped most of one of his claw off. I still need to clean up the mess.

Bandit is okay, but we had to lock Buddha back up in order to treat Bandit....and Buddha will NOT leave him alone. Keeps inciting fights! So he has spent a lot of time today in "time out". Grrr. He is very loving, but totally out of control at times. Poor Bandit just wants his foot left alone. *sigh*.

I took the 2 of them for a walk the other day and ended up in a sling for 2 days ... together they are un-manageable. I love them both dearly, but I am looking forward to Bandit going home tomorrow so things calm down a bit around here.

In other news...I am s l o w l y making my way through Project IF posts. I've only gotten through 35 or 36 of them. 150 to go! They are amazing, inspiring, and in some cases, very thought-provoking. I don't know if reading them helps me or not....they tend to put me in a rather down mood, and I certainly don't need help with that. But, we all worked very hard on those posts, put ourselves and our fears laid out bare for the world to read, and so I am going to continue.

Sent out 5 mother's day cards this week, and hand-delivered one to Pixie. I don't want to face tomorrow, but Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Cried wrote a wonderful piece about making mother's day OUR day....and I'm quoted in it :) So go check it out. Perhaps it will help you through your mother's day....

Hugs to one and all....some of you ladies and gents have had a really rough week....miscarriages, illnesses, etc. I am sending my thoughts and prayers to you.

"I think too much and I'm afraid of children"

First off...it's Photo Friday! This week is desks. As I am off work, here is the "man-cave" at home where I usually blog. (Today, of course, being the exception - I'm at Frog's house). Yes, it's a mess, most of it mine. DH can't wait to get another desk and set up the 2nd computer so that he can have his desk back and free of all my shit.

As for the title of this post, my favorite TV show of all time is M*A*S*H, and in the final episode, Hawkeye says that...or something very close. (I couldn't find the exact quote, unfortunately.) Anywho, it applies.

I have wanted to post the past couple of days, but just couldn't narrow down what to say. My brain just NEVER shuts up, and I don't want this to turn into the most rambling blog of all time. And while being "afraid" of children might be an overstatement, it's close. Going out, seeing baby stuff, kid stuff, kids....makes me shut down. Makes me walk away. So, this quote has been running through my head for a couple of days now.

I'm so overwhelmed by my energizer bunny brain that I don't even know where to start, honestly. I'm on CD18 - in a couple of weeks I start BCP and then it's on to the actual IVF stuff. I'm nervous. I'm terrified, to be honest. Of it not working. Of the injections. Of the possible disappointment. And I go back to work next week....4 more days off. I'm petrified of that. I am doing better, but still quite nervous about the real world, followed very closely by possibly the most important 4-6 weeks of my life medically, and emotionally, speaking.

It's all too much. Thus....no posts for a couple of days. I just didn't know where to begin.

Mother Nature and Her Mocking Ways

Pixie and I went for a walk the other day...by the canal and river in our town. It was a treat to me to see another part of our town, and to have an excuse to take more photos. Spring is in full bloom, and Mother Nature, my goddess, is quite the busy lady. Her work is everywhere to be seen, heard, smelled, felt, touched.....Can you see this flower? Can you imagine it's soft petals, it's odor, the buzzing of bees around it? I hope you can.

The downside to this walk was the very obvious part of Spring in Mother Nature's world...offpspring. Cute, fuzzy, toddling offspring. There were a myriad of nesting ducks, as well as this gaggle of geese and goslings. The most adorable sight. And then I went downhill. For 2 days. The beauty of this birth and growth and natural occurrence with the cycles of Earth...that I have to put myself through torture very soon to accomplish kind of hit me hard.

When DH and I started TTC, I had any number of ideas of how I would announce to him that he was going to be a father. It's his dream. More, even so, than it was mine when we first met. He will be an incredible father...it's why I married him. It's saved me from wanting to shoot him sometimes. LOL. I thought of onesies, cards, some sort of clue....slipped onto his pillow, on his recliner. Something to surprise him with this wonderful news.

I have been robbed of that. He will know everything when I do. There will be no surprise announcement. We will walk through this together. Which maybe is better. But I still feel robbed. For our family members not following our struggle too closely we may be able to provide a surprise. But realistically, the surprise is all gone. One night of love will NOT create our darling baby. Instead, needles, doctors, and a lot of luck will.

So, Mother Nature, I love you. You are my guide, my love, my peace....but you mock me right now. I am conflicted about you. Damn you and your harmonious cycles. But thank you for the reminder that life bursts anew with regularity and grows and changes.

A Day At The Zoo

The meds are definitely kicking in....but let me back up a minute. Last post I came out about my open marriage, and I have mentioned previously my Pg friend. She is half of a couple with whom I play. There. It's out. So, henceforth they shall be called Frog (him) and Pixie (her). Right now it is more of an intense friendship while I deal with her pregnancy. Our relationship and my news about my blocked tubes came only days apart...it's been a rollercoaster. Anywho, point about the meds is that I've been seeing more of them again, and today we went to a CHILDREN'S zoo so I could take photos for their nursery.

There were children EVERYWHERE. Pregnant moms, nursing moms, strollers, toddlers, you name it. And I held it together. I'm alright. Numb. I had to stop a few times and collect myself, but I survived. Part of it was being outside, in the sun, and enjoying the fresh air and beautiful views on the drive we took.

I also mentioned photography. To that end, I'm posting some photos from today's little journey (none of Frog and Pixie for their protection), but some of my "work." Hope you enjoy!

Frog took this one of me. I'm such a hippy. It was so beautiful....

This skull was in one of the exhibits...I just really liked it. Reminded me of the southwest....

How beautiful are these 2??? I did a lot of cropping with the zebra photos as well for the fun of texture, much like the feathers below.

I can't believe I caught this image! Insects are terribly difficult to catch. It's on an azalea bush.

This is a close up of the feathers of a Lorikeet....not the same one as below...

I didn't want to go crazy and post tons. But now that I've figured out how to put photos in here, I shall be posting more. I hope you all enjoy. If not, oh, well! It's my blog!

To end NIAW I am reposting the below video from Heather at Our Incredible Journey. It's fantastic, and DH and I are in it! We're the silly ones sticking out our tongues. So are many other bloggers. Enjoy, and stop by her blog. Happy weekend all.