Out Of The Petri Dish...Into the Fire

PYHO: I Am Not Super Human. Or A Genius.

2012-02-29T07:28:00.001-05:00

Interestingly, my dear friend Di posted something similar to this the other day, just when I was considering it myself. Great minds, I tell ya.

When my sister (or others) find themselves facing an injury...they call me. Or text me. Or what-have-you. Because I am accident prone, and chances are, I've done it or know what it could be. So, should you be dealing with an unknown pain, I am your person. A dubious honor. At best. But, given my prowess at self-diagnosis, perhaps an accurate honor.

Have random ingredients in your cupboards/fridge/freezer and need ideas? Call. Text. You get the idea. Because I am the motherfucking QUEEN of random meals. I will accept this not-as-dubious honor. But really, I do have REAL culinary skills. I just don't have the money to practice them. Confession: many things I try come from seeing a recipe somewhere and rigging it to be the way I want. Or going with gut instinct. I promise, I really don't have original ideas much.

I had a rough pregnancy. That I loved every minute of. But rough nonetheless. This apparently makes me a pregnancy expert. My smile remaining in place through 6+ months of puking, etc, apparently also makes me tough. I have had (fertile) women tell me that if they'd gone through that sort of morning sickness that kids 2-x would never have happened. Must be a nice luxury. I am not tough. No more than any other woman. I am not super human. I simply adored the miracle inside me, and suffering for that child, well, that's what parenthood is about, right?

Related: being open about Infertility, rough pregnancies, making baby food, horrid breast feeding troubles...etc etc etc - these all make me an EXPERT. I assure you. I am not. I am bungling through most of these things with the rest of you. I just share. A lot. Sometimes a little too much.

But, I have to say...the confidence these women (and occasionally men) show in me humbles me. And if only they realized how often I turn to YOU, the other super human geniuses in my life for support, help, ideas...That's what makes us Super Human. Or Genius. Or Expert. We ask, and let ourselves be asked. We keep the communication open.

So maybe I am those things. Maybe we all are. If we allow ourselves to be. If we open ourselves up to BE that for someone else. Perception is a huge thing. We can be what people perceive, if we choose. I think that this applies not only to the negative perceptions (fine, that's what they think I am? I'll just be that then.), but to the positive.

So accept the compliments. Recognize the honor behind the questions or statements. BE Super Human. BE a Genius. BE the Expert. Be YOU. If that's who you are.

Today I am pouring my heart out with Shel over at Things I Can't Say.

Okay, Body, You Win: Part Deux (or no deux....)

2012-02-26T08:17:00.000-05:00

Thursday, a few hours after writing this post, I nearly passed out at work. I was shaking like a leaf on a windy day. I could barely stand up. Driving was not an option. So, with help from some friends at work, I was bustled off to the ER. It seems that several weeks of intestinal pyrotechnics had left me rather dehydrated. Because you know, I like spending what was a GORGEOUS day inside a hospital with IV fluids being administered.

And just because it is my life, Hubby came to be with me, and he came down with a 24 hour stomach bug. So we left before I was really finished being liquidated because he was out in the parking lot vomiting, poor guy. This weekend was the first time in a very long time that he and I have been in bed all night together. It was nice :-) Minus the feeling like shit part.

Friday I gave in and went to the doctor. I get to poop in a "hat" and take in samples to make sure it isn't a bacterial thing. But he agreed that it is most likely IBS. He gave me a script for Levisin which I have yet to try. But I'm hoping it helps with the gas n stuff. I wil be living on bland food, no meat or dairy, etc, until I am back up to speed. And drinking a lot of Gatorade.

In a funny twist, though, since Thursday, my pyrotechnics have stopped. Completely. As in we have now gone in the other direction. Apparently my butt is boycotting the acid poo. But not the gas. Or bloating. Or nausea. It's like being pregnant all over again! But...without the actual pregnancy. So booooooo.

Thank you to EVERYONE for your support. I know once stressors are lifted things should improve. They did last time I went through this. Mama needs a break.

Okay, Body. You Win.

2012-02-23T06:57:00.000-05:00

I probably should go to the doctor. But really, I self-diagnose so well, why bother? Usually I go in, say "I'm pretty sure this is the issue, can you verify?" And Doc says, "Yup, looks like it." and gives me whatever is needed. In this case, everything needed can be handled by me. So WHY BOTHER. I suppose so I could get FMLA time. But whatever. I think I can fix it.

What am I talking about? Oh, just a little thing called IBS. Not Itchy Booty Syndrome. Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I am fairly certain it is stress-induced. Based on history. For the last few weeks, it seemed that dairy was triggering attacks, so I got rid of it. Yes, I had boxed Mac N Cheese last night, but really? That doesn't count. But I also had meat. And things as mild as things on the BRAT diet have been giving me issues.

Which is fun when you work in a call center. And are glued to a computer and headset except for pre-scheduled, very regulated breaks. Well, screw that. I log out and go. What are you gonna do, right? My compliance to schedule is crap on those days, but OH FUCKING WELL.

Ugh. I am afraid to eat, y'all. And seeing as there is no way Hubby is going to go vegan, I have to really be creative when shopping now. On our crap budget. But I have to give it a shot, because my system seems to be so damn sensitive. And really? Going to the doctor could result in a colonoscopy. No thanks. I don't have to have one until age 50, so I'm gonna wait. If I can get this under control, awesome.

I have been vegan before. But never when trying to cook for a family. On a tight budget. I see a large quantity of rice and beans in my future. Good thing I like them.

Please, chime in. Have any of you tried diet changes when faced with this? Things that helped? Please share. I miss food. And I am tired of communing with the toilet.

Green Eyed Lady

2012-02-21T09:56:00.000-05:00

Frog and Pixie welcomed Baby #2, C, a little boy who looks just like his daddy, into the world yesterday early morning. On P's 11-month birthday.

I swear I was going to go to the hospital yesterday to meet and hold him. I swear I am so happy for them.

But I am fairly certain that I am exuding the color green, from my irises to the tips of my hair and that it is shining out of my toes. These are the time I know I am A: Not done, and B: Not cured. For the record, I WANT to hold that baby. Oh, do I want to hold that baby. But...I dread the emotions that will come with it. The aching in my uterus. The pain in my chest.

But, I shall go. I shall congratulate and fawn and cuddle. And then I will g home and cry and drink and sleep.

And consider how I look in the color green.

Cultural Abnormality

2012-02-19T10:54:00.000-05:00

A friend said to me this morning, "You need to get laid."

I said, "I'm trying!"

His reply, "Oh, back to your old ways then?"

Here's the thing. I never really LEFT my "old ways." I had a child. I am on medication. I have been exhausted and had NO sex drive. Things are waking up though, for sure. The part of me that loves sex hadn't gone away, it was slumbering. Understandably so.

About 5 years ago when I caved and went to see a psychiatrist in order to try and save my first marriage, and my possible bipolar disease was being discussed, one of the things asked was about whether I have periods of hypersexuality. By our culture's standards? Yes. No doubt about it. By other cultures? It would depend. Some things have changed about my behaviors, though. I no longer get drunk and stupid and sleep with just anyone. Any sexual liaisons are planned, with people I know and am friends with. It's a friendly thing. And it's how I am built.

Polyamory is a valid sexual identification. But in this culture? Not so much. Not for many. Swingers, people with open marriages, etc...we are seen as being on the fringe of acceptable culture. But the spectrum of sexuality is broad. Do most people understand me? No. Do some think my behavior is wrong? Absolutely. Do I sometimes wonder if I have some addiction or something? Yes. But then I remember my studies on other cultures. My knowledge of biology. I am who I am. I like sex. I like it with different people. It does NOT rule my life.

Maybe it is related to me being bipolar. Who knows. At the same time, I am not being defensive. Just really, really curious. I know the feeling range from it being WRONG because we are married. Or, you know, just WRONG in general for some people. As I said, I firmly believe that I fall comfortably within the range of sexual identities expressesd around the world.

Remind me to stay off Dr. Google, who convinces me I have some sort of psychosis.

10 On Tuesday: Chaos Reigns

2012-02-15T06:34:00.000-05:00

I am so behind on reading and catching up with you all it is pathetic. I am sooooo sorry. I do love you. I really do. But I have either been in pain or wanting to play with my son when I get home. Because he is hysterical.
My back pain is under control!! Poor man's solution: massage chair at work and a great stretch I found. Good thing because I nearly went to the ER last week for it!
House needs to be rewired. We asked the seller for money to fix it. Cross your fingers. We will hear Friday or so whether they accept our request or not. Luckily Frog and his brother do the electrician thing. But there will be no gaming for Hubby until it's completed. Teehee.
Addendum to Monday: my car is dead. DOA. We have been wondering about my coolant and oil issues for a while. Last night Hubby realized the two fluids are getting it on, playing swapsies. What does this mean? Blown Head Gasket. Awesome timing car, thanks. Sigh.
Hubby's part time job is hopefully starting tomorrow. A full-time one is on the horizon...which is problematic with the whole car thing...Sigh.
P is gaining skills sooooo quickly! Besides the rolling he began spinning on his belly to change direction. Last week, the day after first tooth, he finally figured out army crawling, though he still uses rolling for most movement. His army crawl looks like an inchworm moving, LOL. He now throws temper tantrums for items dropped, out of reach, or taken away. Complete with hands banging on whatever is available. It's hard not to laugh.
Packing is...well, not so great. I really need to get on that. There is a lot that cannot be packed until closer to the move date, but a lot that can be. I just am a lazy bum. And I fear the sale not happening. But either way, we are out. So realistically, I have to buck up and JUST DO IT. I hate packing.
Lowes is EVIL. I went in to price the parts needed for rewiring the house. I came out with the house redesigned. Flooring, the counters in the kitchen. Paint chips. Information for paint finishes (crackle paint anyone???) Oh...It was bad. I completely forgot about fencing! But I could have spent hours there making plans. Note: if you are a new homeowner, leave your wallet in the car. Thankfully, I know we have no money and resisted. But can you say terracotta and glass counters/backsplash with crackle paint cabinets?? Oh, yes, you can!
I meant to post this yesterday. You know, on TUESDAY, but I got home and well....that didn't happen. P is very clingy when I get home usually. Which is another reason for #1.
Our streak of luck has seemingly ended. Please please please let one of these jobs pan out for Hubby. Please.

The good news is that it isn't actually Tuesday anymore! Which puts us one more day closer to the weekend. Sorry if I confused you. Tee hee.

When You Should Really Take A Hint

2012-02-13T17:47:00.000-05:00

You know those days where you really should take the FIRST hint that staying in bed is the best idea? No? Well, let me enlighten you.

After a blissful 4.5 hours of sleep last night, my ~~alarm clock~~ bladder went off. I crawled back into bed, and on cue P got fussy. After an hour, I was finally attempting to drift back to sleep...right into a nightmare of epic proportions. Thewake-up-drenched-in-cold-sweat kind of nightmare. And I couldn't shake it.

When my actual alarm went off at 4:30 am, I was in the midst of a panic attack, but I made a good try at getting up and ready for work. Even managed to take the dog out, feed all the fur babies, and start the car. 10 minutes later I was huddled on the stairs unable to move. So much for work. I finally managed to get upstairs and wake Hubby who helped calm me down. But work was out for a few hours. I called the boss, and cuddled the baby (who was woken by my freak out).

2 hours later I woke up with, "Hubby! I left the car on!" Yup. For 3 hours. Let's just say it was nice and toasty for the drive to work. Where I forgot I had my sunglasses on because normally I drive to work in the dark, so I had to run back to the car to get my normal glasses.

An hour and a half of work later, I discovered that last weeks intestinal pyrotechnics were not merely a fluke. No more milk for me. But as I was on the phone with a customer at the time, I had to put her on hold, get my boss to grab the line, and run like the wind for the toilet. I feel bad for the others in there...

My boss sat in my chair apparently, shook her head, and had to get up. It has now been dubbed "the fart chair." And it's not my usual. Sorry person who normally sits there :-(

So, screw work, I went back home. Swigged some pepto, and slept a couple more hours.

This Monday shit is for the birds.

Sadly, it's MY Tuesday. Someone forgot to tell the Powers That Be that.

Next time the day starts like that I'm just calling out for the day and declaring Mulligan.

The One Where I Find A Tooth

2012-02-09T17:51:00.000-05:00

Mark this date.

Feb 9, 2012. First tooth.

How we had no idea he was teething is miraculous to me. He has been his usual chipper self with the now occasional temper tantrum when something is taken away from him or he drops it. The past few nights were a little more restless than recently, but given his sleep history, nothing strange. I have been feeling his gums for weeks. This afternoon I did my usual check and much to my surprise I felt something! Holy Shit! We have a tooth. Bottom right (his, not yours).

My kid is so amazeballs that we didn't even know we were expecting teeth. I have a great kid.

It's all ~~downhill~~ change city from here on out!

Guess I have to stop calling him "Toothless" now, huh? Bummer...I liked that nickname.

Evil Websites

2012-02-08T09:51:00.000-05:00

I keep hearing about Pinterest. I refuse to join. Hell, I can't find time to comment on the 200+ blogs I read, why do something else that is addictive? I can't finish the projects I start now! So, I'm boycotting it. LOL. I don't need more ideas that will never come to fruition.

Caveat: Helene, that evil wench sent me a link to Houzz.com. Apparently it is like Pinterest, only specifically for interior design. Like I said, she is an evil wench.* I have been struggling with deciding how I want to paint/decorate each room. You know, with all my leftover fundage. *sarcasm* I have 8 million ideas, but can't condense them into a cohesive theme. So on this, I am making progress :-) It will be a while coming, but I am going to have an amazing finished house!

The downfall to this site is that it makes me drool. That's messy at work. I think I liked one bedroom photo just because I want a view like that out of my windows. It would be awesome if there were photos of ho-hum houses like 99% of us live in. You know...weird long rooms with basic walls and ceilings in suburbia who don't have thousands to spend on renovations. But hey, I can still steal ideas!

You have been warned. Enter that site at your own risk. I'm just sayin'.

In the quest of said house, today begins the mortgage inquisition. Eep!

*I of course am joking. I'm sure she knows this, but thought perhaps I should clarify.

Excitement, Gratitude, Fear

2012-02-05T10:46:00.000-05:00

We are quite excited to announce that A: Thanks to some dear friends and family, we have raised the funds necessary to make it through closing, which B: will be on March 16, assuming that C: we actually make it all the way through to closing and get the full apprval for the mortgage because D: the offer was accepted. As my realtor said:

"They accepted your offer. It looks like you are buying a house!!!!"

Holy shit. That is my response.

Thank you all so much for your input, support, and help (and really, not just on this...you guys always give me great advice!). Keep those fingers crossed...still have a hurdle in front of us!

Now I'm all into looking up how to put up a fence, what kind of fence we want, being shocked at the cost of said fence, and being excited that we have these things to consider. And paint. OMG, paint. I am researching faux finishes, and considering colors. And how to refinish hardwood floors. I am so excited. Excited to not feel terrible about drilling a hole in the wall. Excited to PAINT THE WALLS! Excited to no longer have roommates. Seriously. Done with that!

Oh, wow...March is turning into a big month for us. Closing on the house on the 16th, moving on the 17th (St. Patty's day and our 5 year Dateiversary), and P's 1st birthday on the 20th! I see drunk movers...EEP! Last time we moved it turned into an all night party...oh, boy was that next day rough, LOL.

You guys, we are BUYING A HOUSE! What???? Wow....

Why does this feel more adult that having a child? Whatever the reason, I have not been this stressed out since IVF 2 years ago. Not quite 2 years ago.

Keep sending those well wishes our way!

And just in case you missed last week's post, here is our house-to-be! Check out that kitchen!!!! Woot!

Shameless Plug - Help A Girl Out

2012-02-02T08:59:00.000-05:00

So...March is looking to become a very big month in our life. It's the month we began dating. It's the month our son was born. It will (knock on all those beautiful wood cabinets) also be the month we purchase a house.

Yup. The offer is in.

Now, we have 6 weeks to come up with $2000 more for closing and what not. Ummm, yeah. Nothing like pulling cash out of your hoo-ha. My settlement is taking FOREVER. I mean, maybe it will show up on time. But I can't count on it.

Please forgive me, ads will be showing up on here very shortly. I gotta do something. And, it seems, I am not above begging. My mom, dad, sister, and MIL have contributed. Next up are my step-mom and Hubby's brothers. Desperate times, man. We even pulled a loan from my 401K. We owe money to taxes, so filing this year, anything extra goes to the fed. Sigh.

Which leads me to the shameless plug. The reason we have to ~~beg~~ borrow money is that my settlement is S L O W L Y being processed. We can pay it all back as soon as we receive it. If ANY of you think you can spare a little, I would be ever so grateful to you for your assistance. We all would. If this falls through, well, we lose our animals and have to move in with my mom 45 minutes from our jobs. Yup, I am shameless. I have looked to you all for support before. Now I am looking to you for a little temporary financial support so that we can move into a house and save ourselves some money.

I know know know that this is a crap time for a lot of us. I get that. Still asking. If you can, awesome. If you can't, no worries. Email me :-)

Love,

Me

Theory Vs. Reality: Parenting

2012-01-30T08:50:00.000-05:00

I talked a little bit the other day about the reality of something being so much bigger than you can ever theorize when I was discussing our modern family. (BTW, I have more updates on that!!!!) And a few days ago, it hit me again.

All the time, as a game, we hear "What would you do if..." Sometimes we vehemently declare one thing or another. "Oh, I would NEVER do that." "Well, I will make sure I don't do such-and-such." "I am definitely going to..." Definitive statements can come back to bite you in the ass, my friends. Never has this been more clear to me than in the last 10 months of parenthood.

When P was 2 weeks old, I wrote this post partially about the things I swore I wouldn't do and within 48 hours was doing. But this is not about just that kind of thing. It's about parenting in general.

Hubby and I never really discussed ANYTHING in advance. We just kind of let it roll over us and make decisions as they come. We haven't fought about any of them. Then again, we haven't hit any of the truly tough decisions yet. But one came up the other night, one that I hadn't really even considered.

Children's movies! We have been renting movies from Netflix and burning them. Many of them Disney flicks. Now, it's not like I'm not aware of the prevalence of scary step-mothers, violent evil people, and dead mothers. It's not limited to Disney, but the older films certainly have more of that in them. Old school fairytales are harsh. REALLY harsh. Now, I know that I saw them all when I was little. And for the most part (ahem, Bambi) I don't remember being traumatized. Perhaps I wasn't able to make the jump. Perhaps my mother explained well...I don't know. What I do know is that I never considered how bad some of them are.

We watched Dumbo the other night. For those of you unfamiliar with this very early Disney movie, it is HEART WRENCHING. And rascist. There are some great teaching moments, yes, but the only happy time is at the end. And again, maybe children, little children, don't view it with the same eyes. But WOW. I was sobbing. I almost had to stop watching. The emotion is so raw. For those who are unaware of this tale, Dumbo is a baby elephant with freakishly large ears. Everyone makes fun of him. They are CRUEL. In once scene, the mama elephant gets angry at the people teasing her son and goes apeshit on them, so they lock her up and he can't see her. I LOST it. Classic bawl-your-eyes-out scene:

Anywho, what this brought up for me is: What is appropriate for my child to see? How do I let him see this when I can't even handle it? At what age is he old enough to watch and understand it when I educate him about bullies and such? And I'm not talking just this film. Think about it. So many of the "classics" are like this. Scary, or violent, or upsetting. Fairytales? Yeah.... I know they have so many opportunities for "teaching moments", and I love those moments. But at the same time, where do you draw the line?

One of the best things about being a child is the innocence, the gusto for life, the open eyes and lack of fear or prejudice or cynicism. Children should have the ability to be children. To NOT worry about these things too often. To play, get dirty, remain positive, and love unconditionally.

So at what point do you let them see things, watch things, that have these upsetting scenarios in them. I plan to teach him to be a good person. And I know that at some point he will experience the shit the world can dump on you. I just don't know when that will be okay. After watching Dumbo, I want to never let him see it! But I know that is unreasonable. And there are children's movies that I think are okay to watch.

I never thought about ANY of this. And now I'm overwhelmed with thoughts of what will be right for us. What type of guidelines do you use? How did you know the time was right to introduce the heavier topics?

Donna Reed I Am Not

2012-01-28T18:49:00.001-05:00

I jokingly call Sister Donna Reed. Or Martha Stewart. If you were to tour our houses, or take notes on our parenting styles, you would quickly realize that while she may be a domestic goddess, I am far, far from it.

For your amusement, I have compiled The Top Ten Reasons I Am Not Donna Reed.

10. I allow my son to feed the dog from his high chair, including having his fingers licked by the dog, and continue to eat. I figure that the dog licks him on the face/mouth all the time so what's the difference.

9 . I never vacuum. But we have 4 very furry furbabies. Solution: Put P in fleece clothing and allow him to roll around. This tends to get the worst of the hairballs out of the way. While allowing him to do this, I have to make sure he doesn't eat too many of said hairballs. It's protein, right?

8. My son has fallen off places he probably shouldn't have been. Because I neglect to realize how mobile he is. When I was his age I fell out a 1st floor window onto concrete. I never let him near windows. But the couch? Absolutely.

7. I understand the concept of dusting. My version involves looking at the shelves, thinking "ewww" and then sitting back down. Because honestly, I'd rather blog or tweet.

6. Dirty laundry is in one pile. Clean laundry is typically in the hampers awaiting some miraculous afternoon that allows me to put it all away. Which isn't going to happen. Sometimes clean laundry is in a pile, too. A separate pile. This is what happens when you have to use a laundromat and so save up weeks worth of clothing. I think I was a man in another life.

5. I am fairly certain that Donna Reed does not have a pile of coats in the corner of her living room. Blocking the access to the DVD shelf...that has never been dusted.

4. I can't remember the real words to "Old MacDonald Had A Farm" because Seamus Kennedy did a version called "Old MacDonald's Deformed Farm" and it is forever the version that I know. Which means that in all liklehood, it is the version P will learn. It is totally acceptable to teach him a song about a drug dealing duck, right?

3. Speaking of appropriate, P has a teething toy that looks like a really fun vibrator. I entertained thoughts of figuring out how to make it one. But then I thought that it wouldn't be fair to him to have to share his teether with Mama.

2. There is a very good chance that P's first word will be "fuck". Or "butthead".

And the #1 reason I am NOT Donna Reed is...

1. We have one set of winter flannel sheets. We have no washer or dryer. We cosleep. This leads to leaks. In the bed. I am utterly guilty of spraying said leak spot with febreeze, tossing a towel on top of it, and going back to bed. Repeatedly. Until it's laundry day. Talk about Real Housewives of *insert county name here*.

I will definitely not be getting any Good Housekeeping awards. But I'm fairly certain my kid will not be afraid to get dirty, make a mess, or generally be a kid.

FNL: Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

2012-01-27T19:56:00.004-05:00

It's Friday, thank goodness. Well, my Saturday. The lovely Danifred has come home from the hospital with her brand new baby Blue, so make sure you go wish her luck.

- Today was a banner day for the Binsau-Richardson household. A much needed day.

- We found a house. That we are going to put an offer on. A perfect first home. Meaning it doesn't have every little thing we wanted, but we loved it so much that it doesn't matter. So much potential. And so many fun projects to make it our own. Our hopefully soon-to-be home.

- My car passed inspection. Thank you car gods!

- Hubby had an interview today. And a job offer. It is only part time. But the hours are such that we will not need child care. I do have to look into social activities for P, though, as he will miss that not being in daycare.

- I am so excited you guys. So many things are going to start happening. I can only hope that this sudden upturn continues. Relocation is definitely on the back burner after today. Thank you all so much for all of your support. I love you all.

Modern Family

2012-01-26T07:22:00.000-05:00

I have talked about the fact that a sperm-brother's mom contacted me a couple of months ago and we are now in contact on FB. Well, she has also found a couple others and so as of last night, we are in contact with 3!!! of P's half-brothers!

All are older, and as far as we know, there are at least 5 other children. I think it's funny that at this point we only know of boys. Pretty strong male sperm going on there! (Note: of our 3 viable embies, 2 are female, 1 male).

Anyway, I thought I would introduce you to them! No last names, but some photos of the boys. So, without further ado...

Meet Kel - he is 11 years old. As far as I can tell, he shares the ears, crazy eyebrows, and cheeks. P looks sooooo much like him. The fact that he has the same dark hair helps. (The dark hair is from the moms.) I just met him this week! I got the friend request about a week ago. His mom messaged me from his account on FB last night! Actually, I had to check this morning to make sure I hadn't dreamt that as I was half asleep when I read it, LOL.

Meet Jack! He is 10 years and 1 week older than P. And when I showed my mom one of the baby pics, she asked when I took it....Again, we have the ears, and crazy eyebrows. They also share that cowlick on the right side of the head.

Meet Turner! He is 7 years old. He is the first boy we found. Once again - eyebrows, ears, cowlick. Apparently those genetics are STRONG on the donor's side! And in Turner's case, they share the cheeks as well. What is interesting, is that P looks SO much like me, but when I see his brothers, I see all these other features that are absolutely not mine.

It is incredibly strange for us to see parts of P on these other boys' faces. When you choose to use donor gametes, you know very well that there are other children out there sharing DNA...but much like being pregnant and giving birth, the reality sometimes doesn't hit you until there is physical proof in front of you. Until the theoretical becomes reality.

We are a modern family who used modern science to make a modern child. I think my ancestors are rolling in their graves. LOL. I love my life sometimes.

PYHO: Ready To Run

2012-01-25T18:27:00.004-05:00

Panic mode has set in. I want to run and leave this state, the crap behind. Logically, I know it doesn't work this way, but a fresh start always makes me feel better. But things are different now. It's not just me. It's not even just me and Hubby. We have a child (sometimes still a shock)!

3 years ago, when we hit rock bottom, it wasn't nearly as scary. We left CA, drove cross country, moved in with my dad (NEVER AGAIN), I got a job, and we set up shop. Seriously, it was an adventure. It was difficult to leave his family, but it was a FRESH START. There was so much potential. We made the decision and left within 3 weeks. Wham! Bam! Thank you, ma'am.

Everything in my body, my whole being wants to just RUN. Go. Move on from here. Leave behind the bad and take the good with us. CO looks nice...always wanted to live there. Maybe we could actually find Hubs a job.

But any move like that will cost us money we don't have, money that would be our down payment. It would separate us from both sides of the family. It would probably destroy my mother, who has enough on her plate right now. Hubby mentioned OH as well since we have friends there. Moving for him is considerably more traumatic. I know people EVERYWHERE. He doesn't. And he's socially awkward. It's a difficult adjustment when we move.

The roamer, the bum, the adventurer in me says we have overstayed our welcome in this corner of the world and it is TIME TO MOVE ON. The woman who has become a wife, and more importantly, a mother, knows that a gut reaction isn't the best move. It needs to be carefully considered, planned out. Would I love to raise P in CO? OMG, you have NO idea how much I would like that. Are there houses within our measly budget there? Yup. Job for me? Yup...should be able to transfer to the call center there. But it doesn't have our current support system. It doesn't have Grandparents. For a roamer, a traveller, I am an awful homebody.

Parenthood grounds me. But that inner essential part of me? She is so ready to run. Ready to start anew and make all the bad and struggle go away and be in another city, another place. Ready to wipe the slate clean.

Because I am so scared right now. Dire straits indeed, my friends.

I am pouring out my heart with Shell over at Things I Can't Say. Join in. Let it out.

*Note: The stinking computer wouldn't let me add the PYHO button. Grrr.

Crib Training FAIL

2012-01-24T08:32:00.000-05:00

Remember all the success we were having with "sleep training"? Well, the little ~~stinker~~ smarty pants has figured out that he can roll over to me. So, basically, most of the night he refuses the crib.

Example: Last night I cuddled him to sleep and he was OUT COLD. As in waited 15 minutes before moving him. Got him on his side. Immediate fussing and he rolled/scooched over to me, and promptly passed out cold for 4 hours. When I get out of bed in the morning, he gradually rolls toward Hubby so that he is close to him. He craves other people's body warmth and comfort.

What this leads to is...well, not a lot of sleep. Saw this:

recently, pulled from here and boy, did it ring true. I bet it does for some of you as well. So the crib is still side-carred - which allows me to put him on the outside edge of the bed safely. But boy, it's a lonely crib. I am thinking of finding something like this:

This thing costs $200-300! Bet I could make one for considerably less.

Of course, there is always this cosleeper that puts the baby in the bed with you, but in a Queen bed, it is fairly bulky. And I don't know if he will do well in that.

It sounds like I'm giving up, doesn't it? When Hubby came to bed last night and I pointed out that he just WON'T stay in his crib (and I can't forgo sleep, I just can't, to get him to), he said "He will do it when he is ready." That to me sounds like acceptance of cosleeping.

I think we need a bigger bed.

The Tree Of Our Life

2012-01-22T07:21:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I doubt my marriage. I know I am not alone in this. We are so different. And more like old friends than passionate lovers. I knew when we started dating that I was signing on for life, and I made that decision for a number of reasons.

Some days, I want to kill him. I'm sure he feels the same about me. We don't fight, not really. There are no knock-down drag-out fights. Also, no make-up sex, LOL. But I knew he would be an amazing father. And he puts his whole heart into his caring for us. He will defend and protect us to the end of his days. And that is WHY. Why I married him.

But still, sometimes, there is doubt.

But then there are the times he just does or says something that erases those doubts away, at least for a while. As though he can read my thoughts. And it reminds me of the why.

I have a dream. It's not a big thing. In fact, as far as my dreams go, it's pretty tame and fairly attainable. I don't tell many people about it, and I've never mentioned it to Hubby, for whatever reason. I want to plant a tree. In a yard. Of a house that is MINE. Silly, really, for a nomad. But, even if the other dreams come true and I get to travel and see the world, I need to have a home. Somewhere I hang my hat. Because I am divided like that. And at that home, I want to plant a tree, and watch it grow through the years, with my child/ren, a symbol of the life I lead. The house we looked at Friday would have been perfect for this. But, alas, not meant to be.

And perhaps it is a little naive to think on our meager budget we can find a place that will be that home. Neither here nor there.

Friday, after we got back from seeing that house, Hubby was just as disappointed as me. And he said something...something that blew me away.

"I really wanted that to be the house. Because I want to plant a tree. And watch it grow."

I let it sink in, and then a while later, asked him "why?" He said that it would be a symbol, our Tree Of Life. It was one of those moments when the doubts are erased, washed away by a flood of "Yes, this is why, and this is right."

Sometimes, he just gets it.

And someday, we will plant our tree. Our child/ren will watch it grow, and grow with it. And years later remember a day when they were the same size as that tree. And how it changed as they grew. And how we all changed as we grew.

Holy Houses, Batman!

2012-01-20T16:57:00.000-05:00

Today we went to look at our dream house...at a very low price. We hoped it was because the bank just really wanted to get rid of it...It says lots of nooks and crannies. It's not lying. We loved how quirky it was. (There was this crazy ... attic type room that would be perfect to put the cats in as their play/eat/poop room. Seriously. No other use for it, LOL.) And that we would need to bring our tool belts. Much was totally fixer-upper type stuff we would enjoy.

But the water heater had been removed. And the wood stove. And the basement, well, let's just say it was a science experiment. And with an FHA loan, that would have to be resolved, on our dime, before closing could occur. *Insert sad face here*. It was not meant to be. Grumble grumble grumble.

We looked at this gem last week. And it had some things we REALLY liked. Not gonna lie. On street parking on the main road through town that is also a snow emergency route? FAIL. Sigh. Not off the map entirely, but it's fading fast. I know, I know...over parking? Yes, over parking. You want to carry a heavy child and bags of groceries from a few blocks away? No. Didn't think so.

So...currently on the radar are the following:

Scary back yard place - looks not bad...and we could fence the back yard. But the yard is literally a 30 foot drop. Hmmm...with a soon-to-be toddler...again, I say...hmmmmm.

Awesome back yard place - okay, no pics available...pooey on them. And there was no "for sale" sign. But according to the sites, it is still on the market. And has some awesome features. And being the end house in a row...well, better than smack dab in the middle. And the yard is HUGE, and already fenced. BONUS POINTS! Dog + toddler = NEED. A. YARD.

Small but on its own land place - No inside photos. All outside. And when we drove by today, no "for sale" sign, either. And someone there doing work. Hmmm. Anywho, .63 acres. Plenty of room to fence off dog/child areas. Only 2 bedrooms...Will be a, umm, cozy fit. I wonder where on earth all of the office/gameroom stuff would go? BUT - detached dwelling, outside of town, on land...it's tempting....

The back yard is the only redeeming feature place - Outdated outdated outdated. You can call it charm if you want...But it has the yard. Hey, it made the list for having a yard. Seriously doubt we will seriously consider this one. Or, for that matter, this one 2 doors down. Again, only because of the deck and yard. But we haven't seen the inside...and it's as-is...scary.

Other houses with not enough information to really consider seriously:

Intriguing... Says a yard, fenced. Says a lot of new updates. NO PHOTOS. Things that make you go hmmmmm.
Hey Look! No inside photos! - seriously, WTF, people?
There are a number of houses like this. No photos. Need work. Apparently showing the inside would scare off potential buyers right away. Eek!

I have to call the LL and write out a letter stating that we are giving our 60 days notice. We didn't pay January rent...and will only be able to send a little bit for February. Even with paying so much less for a house...we are going to be strapped. So, the Hubby job hunt continues. And, well, we begin packing. And hope it goes straight to a house that is ours, and not into storage for the time being.

This house hunting shit is STRESSFUL. Man, it better be worth it!

What a Year Brings

2012-01-19T04:59:00.000-05:00

One year ago today, after beginning to feel better from a cold, I headed out to the mall for some new maternity shirts with a friend. And went into labor.

At just shy of 27 weeks.

Within hours of that, a dear bloggy friend found out that her daughter Lola had had a heart attack and not survived...but she was not told for 6 days.

A year later, we both have seen a lot of changes. I am eternally grateful to the doctors, and especially the nurses, who helped keep my baby boy cooking for 8 more weeks, and shocked to find myself 1 day shy of him being 10 months old. It feels like the blink of an eye.

And my dear friend? Just 3 days shy of her sister's birthday, Lady Season arrived safe and sound and beautiful. What a difference a year makes. Please go wish her congratulations. She has been a pillar of strength, and an inspiration to so many of us.

Cannot believe how far we have come.

Near And Dear - Support Needed

2012-01-16T06:37:00.000-05:00

A month ago, my mother, who is an aide in the program for Autistic children in her school district, was suspended following an incident along with 2 other aides. Last week, following a school board meeting that was basically for show, all 3 of them were officially fired.

An article appeared in the local paper that unfortunately was rather skewed and highlighted just how ignorant of the situation and the program the district's own administrators are.

If you get a chance, read through the comments; they give a better picture of what actually happened, what issues they face, and how out of left field this dismissal is. I will spare you the details here, but I needed to get this out there.

Not only are the families of those dismissed affected, so are the students. In addition, my mother and step-dad rely on her benefits to cover his significant health issues. Losing those benefits is a huge hit to them. All three of the aides involved have a lawyer fighting on their behalf, but it coudl take up to a year to reinstate their jobs.

For those of you in the educational system familiar with these types of programs, any input is greatly appreciated. If you feel comfortable doing it, please comment on the article. Anonymously is fine (that's what I did).

In the meantime, please keep these women, and their students, in your thoughts as they fight to right a very serious wrong.

I'm A Big Kid Now

2012-01-14T08:57:00.000-05:00

Well, ladies and germs...Friday the 13th turned into an historic day in our lives.

We apprehensively took ourselves to our bank to see about a mortgage. It was terrifying. I nearly cried repeatedly. We are, as you know, not in the best place financially. Several hours later...

...drumroll please...

We have (well, I have) a pre-approval on $80,000. Yup. We are officially house hunting. By the time P is walking, he will have a yard to run around in. Maybe we will even have a washer and dryer! How amazeballs would that be? No manufactured homes allowed (which means the one we REALLY liked is out), and with a limited search area for personal reasons, the available home list is short. But our realtor will be doing some digging for us.

I now know what a short sale is, and to ask about annual property taxes. And how to calculate the number of gallons of paint we will need (some of these homes have HIDEOUS paint!). And we took our first house tour as official house hunters.

Meet our first house tour: a 3 bedroom, 1.5 bath twin with a LOT of charm. Has room to grow (plus), and comes with an ~~ancient~~ washer and dryer. The yard would need to be fenced, but it's there. Unfortunately, oil heat. Ugh. Seriously, we will figure out a way to avoid that shit. Also, no parking. On the main road. Double ugh. But it was our first look, and it's in good shape all things considered. It's a short sale (which means, essentially, don't bargain with us dude. That's the price, take it or leave it). So...we begin.

I have to call the LL and let him know we will not be renewing the lease. But don't yet know when we are leaving. We need to start cleaning the shit out of this house. We have to sort out our down payment. So much to do!

It looks like I will get a master reset option after all!

SQUEEEEEEE!!!

Signing My Life Away

2012-01-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

*I should apologize now for what are sure to be a large number of house-buying-related posts as we explore this option. Hopefully we all learn something! If it is totally boring, feel free to click away. (Swim away! Swim away!)

People always joke that buying a house entails signing away your life and your first born and your left arm.

I am beginning to believe them.

I have started researching mortgages. FHA loans look like the way to go. They even have ones that include the ability to add in your home repairs (which, considering the houses we are looking at is going to be important).

Seriously, they ask for EVERYTHING! Look at all of this! Ack!

And then the closing cost information. Greek. Absolute greek.

Holy. Crap. I remember thinking buying a car was nerve-wracking. My excitement at a possible solution for us has turned into a near-permanent state of hyper-anxiety. The good news is that it looks like for FHA loans they do take into account the issues you have had in the past couple of years. You know, like my bedrest and maternity leave and crazy medical bills and Hubby being unemployed...that kind of thing. So, that comforts me.

People who have bought houses...how on earth did you get through this???

I know we want 3 bedrooms. Yes, 2 would suffice, but we want wiggle room - office, guest room, another nursery...you get the idea. And a yard. Pretty much at the top of my NEEDS list. The house we are drooling over? Honestly, it's not realistic. Not with our current financial state. We don't need that much space...but we WANT to need that much space.

Gotta start small, right? Baby steps. (Ha. Baby steps. Who came up with that? Sorry, tangent.) But seriously, with our luck...We have an understanding landlord (to whom we now owe money), and have 3 months of electric bills at home. So, really? We want to get a MORTGAGE? If bad luck continues, we are going to be in even worse shape!

At the same time...taking risks is part of life, being ALIVE. Without risk, well, we wouldn't have P. And I questioned our decision to do IVF every step of the way, and look how that turned out :-)

Considerations:

Many of the houses we have the money for are still using OIL HEAT. Very romantic. Also very impractical and super-expensive to convert.

Old drafty windows. I imagine those are easier to replace and would help immensely with energy costs. too bad it is probably impossible to get into the walls to put in better insulation without a total rebuild.

I feel like I need to go to Lowe's and start taking those classes like in the commercials... Gah!!! O V E R W H E L M E D.

PYHO: Master Reset

2012-01-11T10:36:00.000-05:00

Many of you have "smartphones", right? You do all sorts of things on them. Have you ever had major problems and had to call tech support? And had to do a master reset? You HATED it, right? Having to set it all up again, just the way you want?

I don't mind it. Given that hindsight is 20/20, if I have to reset my phone and set it back up or get a replacement and do the same, I kind of like it. Because I get a chance at a do-over. To put everything where I really like it.

I want to master reset my house. I want to blink my eyes, like Jeannie, and make everything go poof! Then, I would vaccum, steam clean the nasty dog puke spots, wipe down the baseboards, and mentally reorganize. After that, I would blink things back into existence one-by-one, placing them just where they will work best. Items that are never used and simply collect dust will magically NOT reappear. Everything will have a home, and then I won't feel like we live in clutter ALL. THE. TIME.

Where does it all come from? All this STUFF we deem important. DVDs galore, my modest book collection, all the ... chatchkies (no idea how to spell this, no other word I can think of) that sit on ~~dusty~~ shelves for no discernable reason. Clothes I never wear but for some reason cannot give up. Paperwork, bills, junk mail...more STUFF.

I know part of the issue is that we have people living with us, and so some of the things that should have a home are currently homeless. But really, when did we acquire all of this? Why did these things become important? Why do we attach importance to seemingly unimportant objects? This is what is lovingly known on Twitter as a "#firstworldproblem". I hate that term. But, it's true. I have woes that are most definitely more, well, woe-y. Have junk? Not really something to whine about.

Nevertheless...I am whining. Make it go away! Bring me order! Make me an organized person!

More Dreams, Schemes, And Circus Scenes

2012-01-09T08:18:00.000-05:00

Dreams: We are drooling over 1 particular house that is more than I think we can qualify for. But I am OBSESSED with it. Seriously. Tell me this isn't amazing. we would need roomers for a while. Especially if Hubby doesn't find a job. Because even though our current costs would go down, we would still be struggling. This is assuming we can even get approved for the mortgage.

But oh, my...we want this house. It's ridiculously big. And gorgeous. And has a FENCED IN YARD. Which means P has a place to play. And the dog can finally have a place to run crazy. I can plant a tree. A dream of mine. Plant a tree in my own yard and watch it grow over the years. We had not intended on staying in this area, but at the same time, we are tired of moving around and feeling like transients. We want to be settled. We want to be able to paint and personalize and not worry about security deposits.

Schemes: This house has me scheming all sorts of things. Such as the roomers to make it feasible. Not exactly a plus, but we could actually do a lease for roomies n stuff. Because it would be OUR HOUSE.

It has enough rooms for us to look into foster care/adoption. Grow our family. Be able to have people over and have enough space for it. Feel like adults. I see children running around the back yard. My imagination is on over drive.

Which pretty much means I am setting myself up for epic disappointment. But I need a goal to focus on. So, I scheme. I figure out how to make this work. I wonder what we can do to improve our chances. I let my dreams run rampant during this hard time so that I can think of things that would make me happier. Make our situation better.

Circus Scenes: P LOVES bath time. You know when you go to an aquarium, or to Sea World, and the big mammals are trained to splash the shit out of the first few rows? They make a point of saying "You are in the SPLASH ZONE"? Yeah, that's P in the bath. I could put 2" of water in there and he will soak me.

We put in water up to about his belly button. And then, forgive me for my bad mommy moment, we STAND BACK. We don't leave him alone, but he splashes so much that the floor gets soaked. It's a small bathroom. Water EVERYwhere. He gets what we call "the face" - all scruched up, lips pursed - as he splashes. So concentrated, so defiant. And he has so much fun. His eyes get bloodshoot from all the water that gets in them. He fights the actual cleaning process. And getting him out requires tactical precision. He would happily stay in there until he is a total prune and his lips turn blue.

The whole thing is hysterical. Every time. It doesn't get old. Just wet. Very, very wet.

The Sleep Plan...Update

2012-01-08T07:58:00.002-05:00

It's been, ummmmm, 3 weeks now? Since we side-car'd the crib. I thought I would update you on how the sleep thing is going.

First - keep in mind that there were holidays, overnight trips, etc during that time period. That NEVER helps.

However, there has been amazing progress. At one point we had him off formula entirely at night until about 4 am. Some nights that doesn't work as he will refuse the water or it won't satiate him.

Before, he was up AT LEAST every 2 hours. And since he is now VERY roly poly, I got kicked, moved to the edge of the bed, etc. This kiddo can MOVE.

Now...he will very often go 5-6 hours before awakening. and then back to sleep for another 5-6 hours. One night he went 7, another 8. OMG, I feel like a new woman! Not getting him up at 4:45 has also been a huge help. That severely affects him.

We also set up a "cuddle corner" in his room. Dog bed with a blankie, stuffed animals. And we have had some luck with actually getting him to nap on his own.

The one thing that is still a struggle is that he really will only go down with a bottle. Naps and bedtime. When he is out he lets it go, so I'm not worried terribly about it pooling. Usually when it sucks air, that seems to be his signal that it's time to sleep. I haven't figured out how to break this, even with the book. But hey, the progress we have made makes me SOOOO happy.

He rolls all over the crib. There are nights where he ends up with me again. There are nights where I wake up and he is lying across the crib into the bed. Or has completely flipped around. So active!

I hope that now that the holidays are over and we can easily go 2 weeks without an overnight trip that throws him off that we continue to see improvement and can make the 8 hour thing more of a normal occurence.

Go us!

FNL: Dreams and Schemes and Circus

2012-01-06T19:02:00.000-05:00

welcome to Friday Night Leftovers, hosted but the wonderful Danifred. I have been absent for several weeks, but I am back!

- Hubby is still unemployed. on NYE I had a fit of desperation and begged a new acquaintance to give him a chance. He did. So now he can pick up some occasional work. Better than. Nothing.

- I have realized that I cannot lose weight due to the Zoloft. Now I need to find motivation to use my new Zumba for Wii to at least try to tone.

- In desperation, I had a crazy thought yesterday and applied for a low mortgage. I have a bankruptcy that was discharged nearly 7 years ago...loan guy said in April I can try again. It is for a low amount, to buy a bank-owned house. It would actually save us money. I now have a one-track with regard to this. I feel crazy for considering it...but it actually is a completely sane and logical move. Wish us luck!

- The numb spot in my back? Due to severe muscle spasms. I had to stop my tread milling because of it. But am on good drugs, thus, going to try the Zumba.

- Someone posted a picture of an Infertility Superhero once...anyone remember who it was?

- P is in some kind of crazy developmental phase...he refused solid foods except for fruit for 3 days this week. He is pushing up enough to start pushing backwards a little, and has been über cranky. I think teething might be starting in earnest. He has started reaching for people. He also makes it very clear when he is bored or pissed you took something away, and he rolls all over the place. And we have made huge progress in sleep. I will post more about that later.

- My anxiety is in overdrive. We should have given our LL our notice 3 weeks ago...totally forgot. Plus, we have little idea what is next. My mother has assured us that we can stay here if need be...no pets. Please pray, or whatever you do, that we sort things out and can keep our fur babies and find a home.

- I had a lot more to write...just cannot remember any of it right now.

Have a good weekend everyone!

PYHO: Letting Go

2012-01-04T07:50:00.001-05:00

I woke up the other morning with a difficult realization. I am ANGRY. I am an angry person. I am angry at a lot of things. Which means that I am angry with myself. Because some of the situations, etc, have been caused by decisions I have made. Not all of them, but some.

I am ANGRY that we are the black sheep, the "failures" of the family.

I am ANGRY that I have lost passion in my marriage.

I am ANGRY that we can't just make another baby like "normal" people.

I am ANGRY that Hubby got hurt when he was young and finding work is becoming more and more difficult.

I am ANGRY that I cannot figure out a way to make him feel okay about this, to reassure him.

I am ANGRY that it may mean we struggle our whole lives.

I am ANGRY that I am in a dead-end job for which I am woefully over qualified in terms of education, but seeminly unable to move forward.

I am ANGRY that the job Hubby did have left us in major tax debt, and that this year will most likely just worsen the situation.

I am ANGRY that the medications that allow me to function without being a total basketcase also have all but killed my sex drive and make losing weight nearly impossible.

I am ANGRY that me being overwhelmed with so much leads to me not being motivated at home to do things, clean up, etc.

I am ANGRY that this feeling of being overwhelmed also leads to me wanting to shut out Hubby and P even more.

I am ANGRY that I have to decide to not pay bills, or not pay rent, or sometimes both. This is NOT how I want to live my life.

I am not trying to whine. Far from it. I need to get it off my chest. Because maybe it will help me let go of the anger, and move forward. Make a plan. Stop sticking my head in the sand like an Ostrich.

Like Smash Mouth says, "I could use a little fuel myself, and we could all use a little change."

How do I elicit change? How do I let go of anger enough to do this? How do I forgive myself, my husband, my body?

Another Year Gone...

2011-12-31T09:48:00.000-05:00

I wanted a post with pictures for our year in review, but my laptop charger died, so I don't have access to them. Also wanted to post Christmas pics...same issue. They will be posted at some point. Having said that, however...on to the post.

2011 has been both the best and worst year of my life. Well, best, and close to worst.

We started out with hope, and joy, and anticipation. We also got out of debt. A babe was growing inside me, we couldn't believe our luck, and a settlement came through that allowed us to pay off a ton of things and we hoped, have enough for Cricket 2.0. Things had never been so great.

The end of January saw me in the hospital, and my body trying to rid itself of baby way too early. 2 months of bed rest ate up the savings. But, without that money, we would have been in bigger trouble so we were still happy peeps. I prayed I would make it to my baby shower pregnant, and my wish was granted. We even successfully made it to 35 weeks, our goal. Plus a day.

The last 9 months have been filled with so much joy. We are so incredibly blessed to have this jolly child in our lives. He fills our days with light. And often, our nights, LOL. Even if we never get another go...we count our blessings every day.

But it has also been a rough end of the year. Hubby has essentially been unemployed half the year. Not only are the savings gone as quickly as they came, we are struggling. We can barely pay bills, and cannot pay rent at all. It is a terrifying place to be in. Without P, we wouldn't care as much. Eviction, living in a shit-hole, these things would be manageable. Having P means that we really have to make our choices wisely.

We have gotten public assistance, and are trying to figure out what else we may qualify for. We face some seriously hard choices in the coming months. I've never been in such a bad situation before, and there have been some incredibly hard times. It's terrifying. And all I can hope is that 2012 brings some changes on that front. Hubby and I will never be well-off. But a house of our own some day, and enough to not be scared every month would be nice.

We seem to be avoiding the tough talks. In hope of "something will come up". But soon, the talks will have to happen, the choices made. And through it all we will have this amazing light in our life who makes all the struggle worth it.

It still seems so surreal. Waking up to him, hearing him, watching as he grows, changes, does silly things. His laugh can brighten the darkest day. It's like yin and yang around here. And it's all for him.

I wish so much for him. And I pray we can give him the best of us, and not have to struggle. So my wish for the upcoming year is that we figure a way to do that. If we also find a way to give him a sibling, awesome, but right now, survival is the key. I pray that 2012 brings not just us, but all of you, the things you need. And perhaps some nice surprises along the way.

Jan 1, 2011 brought us 24 weeks of pregnancy, viability. January 1, 2012 brings us...well, a big financial hole. But it also brings a 9 month old wonder of modern medical technology. And a lot of love.

Happy New Year to you all. Joy, peace, and happiness are my prayers for you.

Holiday Hangover

2011-12-28T06:16:00.000-05:00

Holidays, especially Christmas, remind me of weddings.

*insert Tim Allen sound here*

Okay, okay, it sounds weird. But hear me out.

We spend MONTHS preparing for Christmas/Hannukah/what-have-you. There is the hype, the preparation, the shopping, the secrets, the anticipation, the last minute mad dash to get everything finished and not totally melt down.

And then the day arrives. Relief. Excitement. Joy times infinity. Chaos, drunk relatives, cranky overstimulated children, and more food than you can shake a stick at.

There is this absolute weariness as the day comes to a close. A thought that OMG we survived, now can I just crawl into bed? The next day holiday "hangover". Whether you drank or not, a bus still ran you over. And then you look around at all the clean up to be done...and think..."Where the fuck is Mary Poppins when you need her?"

How the hell can I fit all this stuff into my house? The honeymoon, it is OVER folks. I need to put away things that are no longer used and set up P's room to be more play friendly, and wash all of the used toys we have so they are nice and sanitary for oh, 30 seconds.

But seriously, I am experiencing some serious "back to life, back to reality" letdown over the fact that this holiday is all of a sudden behind us. All that build up, and all of a sudden, in the blink of an eye, it is gone.

Time flies, right? And right now, it is galloping toward another year, more growth and change, and with any luck, good things for all of us.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T08:00:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas from my family to yours!

20-ish Questions, Christmas Style

2011-12-24T12:00:00.001-05:00

I stole this from Kristin who stole it from a bunch of other people. I think it originated with Danifred but I could be wrong.

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? I love doing fancy wrapping, but it NEVER happens. In my family we try to reuse – I keep boxes and gift bags. This year I am using leftover newspaper from the neighbor’s route.

2. Real tree or Artificial? REAL!!! The smell, the feel…mmmm. Now, in the past couple of years with just Hubby and me, we bought a Charlie Brown tree. No, really, plastic – looks just like the one from the flick. Ridiculously cute. LOL. But this year, we are back to a real tree J

3. When do you put up the tree? We only managed 10 days before this year. And really, I don’t want any earlier than the 10^th. Needles everywhere, no thank you!

4. When do you take the tree down? Good question. I imagine just after New Year’s Day it will come down.

5. Do you like eggnog? I spent a lot of time on a farm growing up – we made it from scratch with fresh eggs and milk anytime we wanted. I cannot stand the store-bought variety. I’m spoiled. But I know enough now to buy pasteurized eggs. Oh, my, do I love eggnog.

6. Favorite gift received as a child? I loved something every year. I remember the Lite Brite year being pretty awesome. And the year my mom and stepdad got us a trip to Disney World. We went a couple months later, but that was our big gift. All our small gifts had clues on them – Mickey and Minnie were everywhere.

7. Do you have a nativity scene? Ummm, no. Pagan-ish over here.

8. Hardest person to buy for? My grandmother. Hands down. Impossible.

9. Easiest person to buy for? Hubby, kind of. If I have money. My dad. My mom is ridiculously easy.

10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Snail mail if we manage….which we did this year. It was important to me.

11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? I wouldn’t say even if I could think of one! They are all heartfelt.

12. Favorite Christmas Movie? It’s a Wonderful Life. Hands down. But also a huge fan of Love Actually and The Family Stone. (I might be stretching, as they are not traditional, but they are totally Christmas movies!)

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? Depends on my financial situation. Sometimes I find stuff throughout the year and stash it. This yaer I started in October. And because I’m hand-making some stuff, it’s coming down to the wire.

14. Ever recycled a Christmas present? No!

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? COOOOOOOKIES (said like Cookie Monster)

16. Clear lights or colored on the tree? Clear lights. I’m old school. I allowed Hubby to put up colored lights outside as I have deemed that his domain. But stay away from my tree with those colored lights, yo!

17. Favorite Christmas song? I can’t pick a favorite. I really can’t. Let me see if I can categorize…Traditional: O Holy Night. Classic: The Christmas Song (Nat King Cole) Pop: Christmas Wrapping (The Waitresses) and Santa Claus is Coming To Town by Bruce Springsteen (although I couldn't listen to it for a couple of years, but that's another story) Silly: Anything by Bob Rivers, I Want A Hippopotamus, Dominik The Donkey, and….Porky Pig doing Blue Christmas. Also, top of the list = Elvis Elvis Elvis – all his Christmas stuff.

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home? Travel. Always have with 2+ Christmases to have each year. This morning we are driving back home from Sister’s Christmas Eve (Dad’s side celebration) and then heading to my Mom’s for Christmas Day after the morning at home.

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer? No, I always miss at least 2. I could have cheated and left what Kristin wrote, but I’m honest.

20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Neither. Right now we have a sprig of fake mistletoe that we received last year I assume. It has little frogs glued on it. Why? No idea. I can’t remember . I feel like maybe my dad did it….Anywho, that’s what is on the top of our tree, LOL.

21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Both, and have for years. Both of us, actually. With divorced parents, one gets Christmas Eve and one gets Christmas Day, so 2 separate celebrations.

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year? Consumerism.

23. Favorite ornament, theme, or color? I like collecting them over the years. My ex lost everything I had collected, so we are pretty bare bones right now, but the beauty is that we will collect them over the years and the tree becomes this beautiful collage of old, new, fancy, homemade….I wouldn’t have it any other way.

24. What do you want for Christmas this year? I want Hubby to have a job and us to get to try for #2. Other than that, just love and food and a roof over our heads. Okay, so it would be nice to be able to see Hubby’s family. It’s been too long. I want them to meet their grandson.

We are headed to Sister's for the 1st of our 2 celebrations this evening. Merry Christmas y'all.

Say What???

2011-12-22T18:13:00.000-05:00

Some conversations had 'round these parts in the last month or so. The ones I can remember anyway.

Me: Can you take P out of the high chair? He needs to be wiped down.
Hubby: That's what the dog is for.

Hubby: (to P) No laptop for you! You're too young for porn.
Me: Babe!
H: What? You said he could play with it. (referring to his penis)
M: Well, yeah, but not in the "grab your dick and double click" kind of way!
*bonus points if you know what this is from!*
*Note: I am not anti-masturbation or anything, just not ready to think of my baby being old enough to do that.
*Note: Which made me realize that one day I will have a wet-dream-having, masturbating-into-socks teenager. Oh, dear god, help me please.

Hubby: (as we drive past the house where a pot-bellied pig lives) Do you think they had ham for Thanksgiving?
Me: Oh, that's just wrong!
H: What? They're different from regular pigs!
M: I'm going to tell Aunt Lin you said that! (they just adopted a pig)
H: I bet they're having ham for Christmas...
M: Not. Right.

Dad: Phelan, I think you will be sucking on Dad's boob tonight because Mom will be face down on the floor.
Me: Nice, Dad.

Text Message I Received: Hahahaha!! I just googled nipple pain from pumping and I saw your boobies!!!!
*Yup, set myself up for that one

Hubby hands me the sausage to put on for dinner - I make a face while touching the raw meat...
H: What you don't like touching sausage?
M: ........

Me: Be right back, P, I have to to potty.
Stepdad: (upon return) You have a son now, you have to say something like 'I'm going to take a leak.' None of this potty shit.
M: Okay, umm, I'll try to keep that in mind.

Hubby: I was going to do laundry tomorrow, but I have to watch P.
Me: I take him to the laundromat all the time.
H: Yeah, but that's because you...
M: ...have mad mommy skills?
H: Basically!
M: Damn right I do!

Me: Okay, make sure you put that memory card somewhere safe. They are small and easy to lose.
Customer: Hmm, where can I...? Oh, I know, I'll just stick it under my boob.
M: *snort* Well, I suppose that would work...but what about if you have to shower?
C: Damn, I do need to bathe. I guess I will put it in my wallet.

Our site director dressed up as Santa and handed out candy canes.
Supervisor to another Supervisor: Hey, can I sit on his lap and talk about whatever comes up?
*Really, do you need more than that?

PYHO: Coming Through The Fog

2011-12-21T17:10:00.000-05:00

When the fog of depression descends, very little can bring me out of it. It's like viewing the world through clouded eyes. You know the Claritin commercials? Like that. Sounds are muted, like cotton is in my ears. Smiles don't quite reach my brain for an appropriate response. I want to hide in my bed, under the covers, not necessarily sleeping, but simply...not doing, being, living. On those mornings I trudge, I shuffle, I auto-pilot.
Thank goodness for P. Because even if he can't cut all the way through the fog, my need to care for him manages to override my need to hide from the world. Thank goodness.

It's in these times that I resent him, resent my husband, resent anyone who, in my mind, forces me to be a part of things, be social, do anything but sit in a corner and cry. Yes, I said I resent my son. The beautiful, amazing, happy, outgoing miracle child I sweat, cried, bled, and prayed for. When that fog descends, I resent even him.

And then I think, "Oh, my god, how can I feel that way? How can I feel anything other than joy and thankfulness at his existence?" Even writing about this, admitting this, I am crying. Remember a couple of weeks ago I said sometimes I think the depression is worse than the anxiety? When I am in the throes of a serious blue period I swear that this is worse. With anxiety, there are medicines available for acute attacks. For depression, not so much.

And lately, this has been a major problem. Some days I can snap out of it a little. Sometimes it lasts for weeks. And when I come out of it, I remember how thankful I am for everything. And then feel so guilty for the resentment that I feel.

I have just emerged from a bad couple of weeks. I am tenuously holding onto that. Because I need to see the good, remember that, and hope my brain can hang onto it. And it's not just feeling down...it's fatigue, and body pain, and all sorts of other things. It affects EVERYTHING. I am happy to be out of it for now. And trying not to think about it coming again anytime soon

The Sleep Plan

2011-12-20T17:59:00.002-05:00

My new bloggy friend Mina thoughtfully sent me "The No-Cry Sleep Solution" (and Nap solution) a couple of weeks ago. (side note: I recognized the handwriting as German before realizing who it was from and that was a stark reality check of how my Oma has influenced me...).
Being in the midst of holiday prep (please be over soon!) it has been difficult to really get it started. We (I) have tried so many things. One thing we (I) realized is that crying it out is NOT an option for us.

We also have one fairly difficult obstacle: I am up at 4 am, and have to get P out of bed by 4:45 am to take him to the sitter many days. He is used to that. And while he tends to fall back to sleep in the car, and then sometimes at the sitter, on days off, he is awake BRIGHT AND EARLY. A regular schedule is difficult to maintain with that early morning start.

In the beginning, he spent much of the night in his cradle, and I could successfully get him to sleep many nights without boob or bottle in his mouth because I could rock it, rub his back, etc, right next to me. He ended up in bed many nights if he woke frequently, but it wasn't too bad.
When he outgrew that cradle a few months ago, nights took a turn for the worse. He will ONLY fall asleep if cuddled next to me, with a bottle to doze off. This goes for many naps as well. With that close proximity he wakes up A LOT. Sometimes upwards of 4 times a night. It is EXHAUSTING.

But I am not going to lie...I love having him next to me. The apron strings are short and tight...

One of the things in this book says that you have to actually be READY to make a change toward longer sleep patterns. That opened my eyes. I realized that part of the cosleeping arrangement was due to convenience and that I slept more doing it that way than up and down to the crib all night. And sleep won out. (And cuddles.)

Another thing I learned is that babies wake up. A lot. As part of a normal sleep cycle. So the trick is to teach them to fall back to sleep on their own. But while I hear all the time from friends about their children sleeping through the night very early on for long periods of time, this is the exception rather than the norm. That helped me to feel a lot better about our situation. That and a post by Mama Daisey and her insane cosleeping issues (which seriously could have been written by me it was so similar to our situation).

So, taking these 2 things into account, and reading the various sections, I have started a basic plan. I kinda skipped some steps as I just want to try out some things to start out, and after the insanity of the holidays, really dig in. Also, if (WHEN) Hubby starts working, we may need to tweak things, and I don't want to go through it twice so early on. Especially when the process itself means LESS sleep in the beginning. Trying to fix that, not make it worse. Zombie mama wants sleep.

Okay, so (also mentioned in another post), we have (ahem, I have) moved the crib into the bedroom. Due to our old house with tiny doorways and horrid angles, this meant actually nearly a full dismantle and hauling up steep stairs. Good times. Then, because the highest setting on the crib is well below our mattress, I (making sure it's stable) rotated the support bars to make it the same level. Now, this means I have to be uber careful as the mattress is now only a few inches from the top of the crib. Once he is a bit more adjusted I will lower it again. It is set up sidecar style, one side off and pushed right up against the bed. (Yes, this makes my ability to get in and out of bed really fun).

Last night was NIGHT ONE of Operation Crib Transitioning. This idea, the sidecar style, was recommended for the cosleeping parents and what not. There is also a whole thing about babies who are dependent on boob/bottle to fall asleep. What I did last night was do the bottle before heading up to bed, or most of it anyway. Then, got in bed, put him in his crib, gave the last of the bottle, and tried to get him settled.

FAIL! LOL. The thing on the side of the crib meant to soothe him got him all excited and he got soooo mad that he couldn't detach it and play with it. So, turned that off. By now he's in full meltdown mode. Told Hubby to get another bottle, but began trying to soothe. So I did cuddle him at this point, rocked, put on chest, etc etc etc. (Ears are bleeding ears are bleeding!). I started singing one of the songs I use to settle him and bam, the mute button went on! I was letting him lie next to me, and he was getting drowsy and looking at me all lovey...this went on for a number of minutes until he seemed to be just about out. The move over to the crib was not so smooth, and he woke up. Hubs had brought a bottle, but he didn't really seem to want it, and after a lot of kicking, mumbling, wiggling...he fell asleep. ON HIS OWN.

It took an hour. Start to finish. And he only stayed asleep for 2.5 hours, by which time he had rotated 180* and moved himself over to where my mattress and his meet. Cuckoo boy.

We played the get back to sleep game twice last night before the 4 am wakeup. Not bad. I had to schooch over and snuggle a bit or pat him, and there was still some bottle dependency, but we will try this new technique for a bit and then move forward.

Note: When P is not right next to me, he is MUCH more active in his sleep. Moving, kicking, fussing, TALKING. I slept LESS. Mom radar was on high alert.

Thank you for making it to the end of this post, if you did. Seriously. Since I am not truly logging, this offers me a way to document. And since I know some of you are in a similar predicament, I thought I would share.

Who Am I, Why Am I Here

2011-12-19T17:59:00.002-05:00

This mama needs to make some changes. My former libido, well, let's just say that a three-toed sloth only needs 1 foot to count how many times I've knocked boots this year.
A plan is required.

Step one began yesterday. 30 min cardio every day after work. I have to start slowly as I am so out of shape, but it's a start. I will work up to heavier cardio. With any luck this will jump-start my metabolism. Until I can feel good about my body again, I will have some serious issues letting someone else have access to it. I'm not confident in being sexy right now. More like frumpy and fat.

Step two: I HAVE to find the time to shave. I am Chewbaca. I hate doing it, I hate the time involved, I hate that it takes something that is totally sexist to make me feel sexy, but maybe it will help. For now anyway. You know, pretend I am a girl as well as a sleep-deprived Mama with no free time.

Step three: Began this last night as well. Crib transitioning. So that there is not a baby between us at night. The crib is now riding sidecar toddler bed style, mattresses at the same level. Now I just have to get Hubby to come to bed before, oh, 1:30 am when there is no way in hell he is getting laid as I only have 2 more hours to sleep. Hopefully this will change some WHEN he is working. (Positive thinking).

Step four: This will be difficult. The zoloft has killed my sex drive, BUT I had a seriously racy dream last night, so maybe things are getting moving in the right direction. I need to make time to actually interact like a married person with Hubby. I mean, kisses, PHYSICAL CONTACT. The way I feel these days, I kinda just want to be left alone, but everything takes work, so I have to overcome the numb.

Step five: Date nights? I would love to implement these. First we need money for a sitter...and the insanity of the holidays needs to pass. Then maybe? I hope? Not that we had these before, but when it was just the 2 of us, it wasn't really necessary. We don't even really cuddle any more. So sad. Time to fix this. But after the holidays and WHEN Hubs has a job. (see the positivity?)

So that is my 5-step plan.

Thoughts? Ideas? Help me have a marriage again, please. I have attached so much of my identity to that little butterball that I seem to have forgotten what got me here.

A Trip To The Tree Farm

2011-12-17T08:38:00.000-05:00

I didn't do a FNL because, well, my week sucked, culminating with Friday. I didn't want to unload again. So, we got through the day...including our first family Christmas tree.

Before I share, a cool thing this week: P finally figured out how to roll back to front. Which causes hilarity as he now travels by rolling. Not very far, but if I put him down on his belly, within 10 minutes he is in another location entirely, usually facing the complete opposite direction. He is so stinking cute sometimes I can't stand it.

Anywho, to redeem our shitty day, we got the first tree. And we went to a local tree farm and had to cut it ourselves (read: I took pics while Hubby cut down the tree). The man running the place was awesome, and he let us see the chickens and rabbits for P, and we had a lovely chat - much in common, and I'm glad the one closer was closed, as I feel it was kismet that led us to this one instead. Enjoy the pics!

Hubby hard at work.

P watching Daddy and trying to figure out what the hell he is doing.

Tree: Acquired

P observing the readying of the tree.

My artsy-fartsy photographer side came out while we were in their barn
and I couldn't resist a few photos. I'm sparing you some, but this struck
me when I saw it and I HAD to shoot it.

I took 4 of these, one each with a different color highlighted....considering
a framed version with all 4. You know, when we have money. And I get
all the other stuff I want done first, LOL.

P thought the rabbit was uber soft. The rooster
that was there kept crowing, and P would answer
back. It was awesome!

Again, couldn't resist. I could have spent hours
photographing inside this barn. I may go back and
do just that. I am sending them some of the photos
I shot :-)

Crazy Lady Rant

2011-12-15T09:14:00.000-05:00

There is so much on my mind, so much I want to write about. But I'm tired of being a Debbie Downer. I don't want to always be "woe is me."

But I'm tired of making decisions that rob Peter to pay Paul. I'm tired of struggling. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of feeling like we get something good to happen and then just as quickly a series of shit-on-us days. We had our dream come true in P earlier this year, and I feel like I almost can't enjoy that fact as much as I want to.

YES. I want my goddamn cake and a fork with which to eat it. I want to just grow my family like a freaking normal person. Wah. Pity Party. I know, I know. But could I get just a little bit of time to truly enjoy things before fretting about something else? Fuck.

I need to figure out a way to bring back me and Hubby time. To overcome the lack of sex drive. (Side note: someone played with my hair today because it hasn't been this long in a while and it ellicited a response I didn't expect...I need to make that happen at home.) I think the money frustrations and me going to bed so early and feeling like a flabby tub of lard are all contributing to not wanting to be...naked. Really, with anyone.

You know what I want most? I want a chance to cry. To let out all this fear and anger and frustration. I want a night to cuddle. Just cuddle. With no pressure or, ummm, pokes. I feel like I need to start over. I need to be wooed. And I need some bloody foreplay. I don't want a quickie. My body needs some encouragement these days. And even though P barely nurses these days, I still feel like my BBs are off-limits...which is NOT helping.

I feel the need for some major changes. MAJOR. Like, an overhaul of my life and person and ...whatever all goes with that.

And since I'm being a whiny brat, let me put it all out there. That overhaul needs to include some decisions about Christmas. Because right now I am hating it. I used to LOVE Christmas. Love it. I love the SPIRIT of it. I won't get into the things that have slowly encroached into my Christmas joy, but suffice it to say that currently, it deals with money. I am tired of being the family members who can't give back. I'm tired of seeing dear friends struggling to buy gifts for their children. It shouldn't be a choice between food and gifts. I hate that we are doing food and clothing drives at work and I'm thinking...I want to give, but I actually NEED these things.

I over-empathize. I know this. But I think a discussion with Hubby is going to happen wherein we start a tradition, now, before P knows any different, that Christmas in our family involves stockings maybe, but that we give our TIME for the season. We go volunteer. Something.

How we will reconcile this with the rest of the family. To be fair, it has become very low key in terms of gifts. "Need, Read, Eat, Play" Unfortunately this year I pretty much only managed need and read for mostly everyone. So maybe it won't be that hard. I don't want P to ever feel sleighted though. So we need to start teaching him the true spirit early.

See, this is why I haven't been blogging lately. I am so overwhelmed...I don't even know where to start. And I can't even consolidate my thoughts into concise, well-written information. So, today, you get verbal diarrhea. I'm sorry. But thank you thank you thank you for listening. Seriously. Without you all this would all be oh, so much harder.

Complete?

2011-12-13T06:34:00.002-05:00

With my fluctuating mental state, my feelings about Cricket 2.0 change sometimes from hour to hour. Some days I think, "No way can I go through the 8 months of puking, possible bedrest, lack of sleep for god knows how long...no way can I fret wondering if embryos take, or that if it doesn't work we really have no more options." It's too much.

And then I have times like over this past weekend. Friday evening P got a chance to hang out with Niece. And he's now old enough to interact. They were kissing on each other, trading toys back and forth. Interacting. Like siblings (really close in age) might.

And then I see 2 children in my head, playing on the floor...not the 2 in front of me, but P and another could-be sibling. I see him kissing a baby brother or sister on the forehead. I SEE it. Like ghosts of children future.

I get baby fever around newborns, feel my ovaries and uterus literally ache, but it's seeing P with other children that totally sets off my IF meltdown mode. It's when I know that I should NOT make the decision to give up when I am down. It's when I know that my family doesn't feel complete. It's when I know that even though I'm exhausted, scared of failure, scared of handling 2 children, that I want a sibling for our sweet boy.

Here's the thing...I think if we need to make the decision that he is to be our only child that I will somehow learn to cope. He is an active kiddo, and giving him all of our attention won't be such a bad thing. I'm not there yet, but some days I am close.

If you decided to forgo further treatment and enjoy your one miracle, how did you decide that? Was it difficult? How did you let go?

FNL: The One Where I Seek Public Assistance

2011-12-09T10:27:00.000-05:00

We had our WIC appointment Wednesday. And I did my first WIC purchase today. I thought I would feel some issue regarding my pride doing this, but it turns out I really don't. Having jarred food is weird, but it comes in handy for packing for overnight trips. Hope he likes it! The formula alone is worth it!
There were itty bitty newborns at the office...OMG can you say baby fever? Here I am sitting in a public assistance office, needing money, and all I can think is, "I want Cricket 2.0". Hmmmm, anyone see the conflict there?
I also started canning this week! Have been meaning to for ages, and Christmas' "eat" item pushed me into it. Have made Ginger Pearsauce and Spiced applesauce. Up soon are chutney and marinara. I can only do fruits as I do not have a pressure canner. It's kinda cool to see jars I processed in my pantry :-)
P's hair appears to have started growing at long last. Not much, but definitely a start. I can't wait to see how it grows as it is apparent that he has a few wicked cowlicks. And I want to see if sperm daddy's waves win out over my uber straightness.
He also will FINALLY hold a bottle, though we have to trick him into it, and it's not every time. However, sippy cups/straws are still an epic failure.
Speaking of sperm daddy...I put a post on a DSR a number of months ago, but can't afford to register to get email addys of those on there. The other day I got an email from one of the donor siblings' mothers! Mom of T, aged 7. I even have photos! Hard to tell with all of P's chub, but he seems to have the same cheeks and ears. Her son is also uber chipper and active and sleepless. Can you say "modern families?" All together now...
Hubby's license showed up! 3 days after he mailed the request in. The school had never sent it, the bastards. But the good news is that he will be starting a temp job this upcoming week whilst he looks for something both more permanent and with better pay. Thank goodness!
I survived the week that never ended! I took unpaid time off a couple of days for a break. Nope, can't afford it. Don't care.
My back is worse...I now have a tingly spot, on and off. So off to the doctor I went finally. Will be having it x-rayed Monday after work. Doubt anything shows up.
We are starting to water down P's bottles at night in an attempt to wean him from night feedings. First night didn't go very well. Also going to move crib up into our bedroom for the purposes of transitioning to the crib. I love having him next to me, but it is wearing on me with the no sleeping thing. I bet that is half the trouble with my back. And I miss cuddling with Hubby. This way he is still close by and knows it. Hoping for some progress.
Heading to Nana's for tonight and tomorrow...which means they play with P and I hopefully get Christmas cards addressed and ready to go as well as finish up some Christmas projects. No lounging for me...this is a business trip!
During this time Hubby has promised to clean the house...not holding my breath.
I still get a kick out of seeing P smile in his sleep. Makes my day. :-) I promise more videos next week...my blogging took a side seat to naps this week while I tried to survive the scheduling transition.
2 weeks till Christmas! Gah! Project overtime begins now!

Enjoy your weekend!

PYHO: The Weight Of Him

2011-12-07T08:05:00.000-05:00

The to-do list I wrote up crinkles in my pocket as he adjusts his position, letting out a little sigh of contentment. My left arm is asleep because when he fell asleep, he leaned onto my bicep. The room has gone dark in the last hour, but the lights remain off. The cats are begging for food, the dishes offend the eyes, and fur swirls under the fan along the carpet.

All of the thing that need to be done are, again, put on the back burner. The Christmas gifts I need to finish? The pie I promised? The laundry that never gets put away?

None of it matters in these moments. The weight of him, the incredible warmth he gives off, the softness of his skin. These things combined create magic, a feeling indescribable by words alone. Perhaps with the addition of an orchestra and light show it could be done. But I don't think so. This time with him, these stolen moments when other things should be done, are priceless.

One day in the not-so-distant future, he won't need me as much. He won't think the perfect place to rest is my body. He will want to run, to jump, to have independence. I will have to sneak the nuzzles of his neck, his scalp. Tracing the lines of his hands, the creases in his wrists will no longer be a daily possibility, but a stolen luxury.

One day he will actually become the little boy I see in him so often now, and not a baby anymore. He won't roll over seeking me, sleeping only when his hand comes in contact with my shoulder, when he can smell my skin close to his. He won't regularly bury his head in my chest, bashful and loving, or reach up to touch my cheek while nursing or drinking a bottle.

And so that to-do list in my pocket will wait, will grow wrinkled, be lost until it turns up in the wash. The cats will wait a little longer for food. The furbaby dust bunnies will accumulate and the dishes will pile up. Because in these moments, the weight of him is the most important thing, the most precious thing. It is my reason for waking, for working. The rest can wait while I drown in his softness, his odor, his absolute trust in me. The rest doesn't matter while the weight of him fills my heart.

FNL: I'm Cranky This Week

2011-12-02T13:30:00.000-05:00

Have I told you that P's penis has become an innie because he is so chubs? Looks like a little finger trap. Hysterical trying to clean it!
I had to make up our Holiday card list - NOT EASY!
P only woke up once Monday night...it was AWESOME! I slept for nearly 5.5 hours straight. Ahhhhhhh :-)
My boobs have officially started shrinking. Sigh. All flab now. Yick.
P is VERY grabby right now. It's all "mine mine mine" without the actual word. If it is within reach, he will fight you for it. Strong little booger.
The driver's license drama continues. It never showed. The school will not return calls. Because it is a CDL and the address of record is the school's, if he goes out there to request a duplicate, it will be mailed to the school again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Only option is to request his records...by SNAIL MAIL. And then pray the PA DMV will take those in order to process the license transfer. Yes, this will take several more weeks. No, we are not happy people.
Remember the epic fall I had a couple months ago? My rib is STILL out of place. Chiropractor puts it back, it pops back out. Lather, rinse, repeat. Pain, drugs, pain, drugs. You get the idea.
P is slowly being weaned onto table food chopped and mushed into teeny pieces, for dinner only, as that is the only meal for which we can do that. With iffy results. He will really eat just about anything. Including mildly spicy things. It also forces me to make healthy meals every night. This is a good thing.
He had yet another nasty yeast infection right around his bum-hole this week. So bad it was bleeding and warranted a trip to the doctor where we discovered he is still gaining about 1/2 a pound a week. 22lbs 11oz as of Monday. CHUB! We had fun at the doctor though!

Reading in the waiting room.

Thigh Chub!

Hmm, how much do I weigh?

Woohoo! This table is fun!

Poo has become more regularly "solid" meaning we can use the flushable liners successfully, and therefore, less time spent spraying out poop explosion diapers. Yes, this is exciting.
I feel I have been very negative lately, and I'm sorry. Work has been rough, and the financial/roomie issues are getting to me. I really am trying to see the bright side of things.
So if you can figure out a bright side to the hole I found in a molar at the gumline which is forcing me to go to the dentist for the first time in longer than I can remember. I HATE the dentist. I don't wanna. Sigh...going to suck it up and make an appointment today...
Speaking of teeth...I think the "teething" was not teething. No teeth as of yet. Nada, zip, zilch. But I do think we will potentially see movement by Christmas. Maybe. Or maybe we will still just have the worm. Who knows. It is all a big guessing game :-)

Happy Friday to those of you for whom this is actually Friday! Go have a weekend for me.

Preparing For Breastfeeding

2011-12-01T07:47:00.000-05:00

* Note: I stole this from Aly who stole it from a friend :-) who apparently found it on Parenting.com You know I love breastfeeding, but I nearly peed myself reading this. For those thinking about breastfeeding, this is just the worst of it...it also has its joys. For those of you who went through hell, you will enjoy the flashbacks. Note: put on a panty liner first for those embarrasing leaks. And, I wish I could be this clever! Enjoy!

Suck It! The REAL way to prep for breastfeeding!

Forget that old advice about "gently rubbing your nipples with a towel." If you really want to feel ready to nurse, here's what to do.

Day 1

Gently rub your nipples with sandpaper.

Day 2

At bedtime set your alarm clock to go off every two hours. Each time it rings, spend 20 minutes sitting in a rocking chair with your nipples clamped by a pair of chip clips.

Day 3

Draw branching lines all over your chest with a blue-green marker, then stand in front of your bathroom mirror and sing "I Feel Pretty."

Day 4

Open your already-crowded freezer and make room for five dozen plastic milk bags.

Day 5

Fit the hose of a vacuum cleaner over one breast and set on "medium pile." Turn off vacuum when nipple is three inches long. Switch breasts.

Day 6

Obtain "DO NOT CROSS" tape from your local police station, then wrap firmly around your chest. When your spouse asks about it, say, "Get used to it."

Day 7

Tape a water balloon to each breast and squeeze into a maternity bra. Repeatedly hook and unhook the nursing flaps with one hand while using the other to balance a sack of squirming puppies.

Day 8

Dine in the fanciest, snootiest restaurant you can afford, making sure to arrive with a big wet spot directly over each nipple.

Day 9

Record your mother proclaiming, "Just give the baby some cereal like God intended, and she'll sleep right through the night." Play in an endless loop at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5 a.m.

Day 10

Slather your breasts with peanut butter, top with birdseed and stand very still in your backyard.

Day 11

Go someplace public -- a museum, a courthouse, the steps of your office building -- and stuff a lifelike baby doll under your shirt. Use the doll's arm to suddenly hike the shirt up past your collar bone. Lower shirt. Feign nonchalant smile.

Day 12

Suckle a wolverine.

Congratulations! You are now ready to nurse a baby. Maybe

PYHO: Living With GAD

2011-11-30T07:02:00.000-05:00

I have GAD. Well, it depends on the doctor. Some have said depression + anxiety. One even said possible bipolar. I have some pretty serious highs and lows. Some days I think the depression is the worst part of it. It also comes with some OCD tendencies. But really, the worst is the anxiety.

I know many of us suffer from this, but for those of you that don't, I wanted to give you a glimpse into how the anxious brain, at least for me, functions.

Example: We put up the first of the cool baby gates. Metal with bars and a door that swings open. Most would look at it and see safety. I looked at it and saw my cats lying with their heads through the bars with their neck broken. The image doesn't go away.

Walking down my stairs with the baby is terrifying. My mom won't do it. I have no choice. But what I see every time is me slipping and falling and P's lifeless body under me at the bottom. I am a klutz. This is not a stretch. I need a house without stairs.

While driving I see myself going out of control and smashing headlong into a telephone pole or tree or something, totaling my car, and being seriously injured. Worse, I see us being t-boned and P being seriously injured or killed.

And on and on...you get the idea. I look at normal things and see the worst. And a panic attack? Hyperventilation, shaking, what I call "tunnel vision"...rational goes out the window. The good thing is that years ago I finally saw a doctor. And last year we figured out what works for me. Thank goodness. Stressful jobs do not help, though. With the meds, though, the things I imagine are able to be pushed away some. I have a little more control.

As a bonus, they actually do help with the depression and my excessive empathy, leaving me to watch movies without turning into a blubbering mess over every little joy and sadness. Seriously, I have been known to cry at cotton commercials. The downside? Feeling kind of numb. Not always being ABLE to cry if I want/need to. But, being able to handle situations better? It's worth it. Most of the time.

I know from experience that some people don't believe that something like this is a "real" disease. It is. And its effects can be devastating. I missed 6 weeks of work last year when it was out of control. It is VERY real, very scary, and sometime debilitating. And when someone suffers, you can recommend things all you want, but in the end, like many things, a person has to want to have help. It cannot be forced. So please, be supportive to people in your life suffering from mental health diseases. Listen when they need it. Encourage them to seek help of whatever sort works for them. But understand that sometimes, our reactions, our behaviours are out of our control.

*This is part of Shell's Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays. Feel free to join in, but be respectful.

Video Tuesday

2011-11-29T06:15:00.000-05:00

I thought I would give you something to make you smile today :-)

Phelan the Raptor: http://youtu.be/mFQIZ2WHw5g

Phelan Clucks: http://youtu.be/w_3NZart7Rk

The Not-Crawl: http://youtu.be/_q_NEub_qdA

I can't embed from work...sorry gang. Enjoy!!!

FNL: Thanksgiving Edition

2011-11-25T12:36:00.000-05:00

We survived Turkey Day. P refused to eat or sleep all day. Awesome. He is totally out of whack. Hoping he gets back to normal today.
My dad is pushing for us to move to Vermont when he goes. Part of me is not so much against this. I would love for P to grow up in a rural New England setting...lots to consider.
Still no driver's license for Hubby = still no job. We are PISSED. And he is so frustrated. He wants to work. And we REALLY need him to work. Apparently he can have the BMV for IN fax an affadavit of some sort to the DMV for PA and hopefully get his license transferred that way. It's that or drive to IN for a replacement. Not really a financially great thing to do. *pulls hair out in frustration*
New schedule starts 12/4 - because my days off change from S/M off to F/S off I will be working 10 days straight. Shoot me now!
Oooh! Our Christmas gift from my mom arrived - a Britax Roundabout 55. It is HUGE. And cozy. And doesn't slip all over the place. Here is my question: since 1 year is the minimum for rear-facing, but longer is recommended, what the hell do I do with the fact that his feet are already at the edge of the seat? Do I just kind of let him scrunch up his legs? Any tips would be greatly appreciated!
I have some hysterical videos of P - I will try to get them posted this weekend. I need to upload them first. He is such a goof :-)
We have decided we ARE doing a tree this year, though there won't be much under it. But I think he is old enough to be fascinated by it :-) Not huge, and it's not going up for a couple more weeks. I hate dealing with the never-ending pine needles!
Still no teeth, no crawling (he can get up on his arms, or he can get his butt up, but not both, LOL). No urge to stand or pull-to-standing. Totally okay with my lazy baby :-) Dreading child-proofing! And chasing. The poor animals are doomed once that starts!
I decided just now to take a day off in the 10 day stretch. So I will only do 7 days straight. I can make it. *Gulp*
As usual, there was more on my mind, none of which I can remember, so I leave you here to enjoy the rest of your (hopefully) long weekend (I don't have one).

PYHO: I Miss Ignorance

2011-11-23T08:02:00.000-05:00

I would not have made it through this journey, from diagnosis through treatment and pregnancy, to OMG-what-do-I-do-with-this-small-screaming-human if it wasn't for the ALI blogging community. (See all the comments on my post from yesterday.) My dream in life has been to DO GOOD. To MAKE A DIFFERENCE. And the ALI community has allowed that. I can provide support, reach out, help others. And for all of this I am incredibly grateful.

But like Adele says, "Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead."

There have been times throughout this journey that I have had to back away. That I haven't been able to read or comment. The pain radiating from some people knocks me down like being slammed in the chest. I am overly empathetic, and sometimes I just can't handle it. I want to go back to be blissfully ignorant of things like IUGR and IC and watching your babies die after delivering too soon. Of hearts and hopes crushed by a disease that isn't even recognized by most people.

The lows are so incredibly low. So terrible. So unbelievable sometimes.

But then there are the highs. The suprise BFPs, the baby delivered safely after a complicated pregnancy, the adoptions that go through and stick. Good news in this community can give me a high for days. I don't mind my excessive empathy so much on those days. I wish that joy on all of us.

I won't ever turn my back completely and disappear. I am part of this community, and always will be. My family is not complete. I have struggles to go. I still have bump envy. I am scared of another pregnancy...or of one never happening. I want my friends to find joy, to be able to build their families.

But somedays, I just want to go back and pretend I don't know about any of this.

This post is part of Pour Your Heart Out Wednesdays over at Things I Can't Say, hosted by the awesome Shell. Please go read, join in, and remember, we are pouring out things that are difficult to say, so keep an open mind and heart.

Sleep Deprivation

2011-11-22T05:53:00.000-05:00

Once again, I am going to touch on the issue of my son not sleeping.

I hate CIO. Hate it. The sound of him screaming makes me want to tear my hair out and run to him. I can't do it. But waking up from 2-4 times a night? And the only thing that puts him back to sleep is milk. The doctor said we can't give him water yet. But really? No wonder he is so chubby. He goes through 3-4 bottles from 7 pm to 7 am. Seriously.

Last night? Asleep at 6. Up at 7, full 6 oz bottle. Wide awake and playing. 7:30 took him to bed. Meltdown. 4 oz later, back to sleep (8pm) Up at 10:30 pm. Bottle. Up at midnight. Finish bottle. Up at 2. Bottle. Up at 3:30. Play. Until 5. Bottle. Apparently at that point he went back to sleep for 2 hours. Of course, I was not home at this point.

Listen, my kid is AHHHHH-MAZING. He is chubby. He is jolly. He has adorable rosy cheeks. He is like a baby Santa. But he WILL NOT STAY ASLEEP. I love him. But I. Need. Sleep. And seriously, he is so fat! Why? Because he eats allllll niiiiiiight looooong. More frequently than he does during the day. What is that about? Tonight I am switching back to crib fun and see what happens. And honestly, I'm giving him water. He is obviously healthy. And maybe water will be the trick. I have heard it works for other people. I know I am not alone in this not-sleeping baby thing, but it feels like it some days.

Niece slept through the night at 10 weeks. Sister and her DH did the 3 minutes crying the first night, 5 the next, etc etc etc and swore it worked. But see, patting P on the back and soothing does not work. He has to be picked back up. And without bottle/boob, he screams. Or...wakes up and plays. Soooo....yeah. Do I just accept that I may never sleep again?

I hate assvice. And I know he should be sleeping at some point. And I don't want to totally override his natural rhythms. But more than 2 hours at a time would be nice. Y'know? So, please, I am taking suggestions.

P.S. I tried the water. It went like this: suck suck WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH. So, fail.

FNL: Flustercuck

2011-11-18T16:33:00.000-05:00

I didn't want to put fuck in the title, thus "flustercuck."
Hubby had an interview last Friday for a good job - they hired the person in front of him. Awesome.
Hubby found a temp job - 4-12 weeks, 6 days a week, 12 hours a day. Yeah, I won't see him. What happens? He goes in to fill out the paperwork, and they will not accept his temp IN license for a background check. The actual license has not arrived yet. Because the person who mailed it from the driving school put the wrong address on it. So he CAN'T get a job until that arrives. So he might miss out on this opportunity. Awesome - again. It seems they may hold a spot for him, so that is good. He is so anxious to be working, contributing.
P is a sneaky devil. He faked out the very experienced sitter yesterday. Cried as though in pain for 1.5 hours straight. He even threw up. She gave him teething rings, put teething gel on, gas drops, bicycled his legs, rocked him, walked him, tried to feed both milk and solid food...etc etc etc. She finally called me because he is NEVER like this. He is a happy baby. So I left work and went to check on him - he fussed for show when I came in and then was all grins and happiness. He played sick to get me to come to him. At 8 months old. I. Am. Screwed. This kid is already too smart for his own good.
I am stoked about thrift store finds from earlier this week - rocking horses, a juicer, clothing, books, etc for $65. SCORE!
In order to get everything for Christmas done I am going to have to start staying up later or doing projects while P is playing. Sigh. DIY Christmas. Good to do. Requires time.
The first batch of Holiday cards rolled in - I am so stoked! Our first family holiday card! I feel so grown up. Tee hee.
In case you didn't read my post yesterday, I am FED UP with my job. I hate that I need it. Sorry, rough week. Rough couple of weeks. Mantra: "It pays the bills. It pays the bills. It pays the bill..."
How is Thanksgiving next week? Seriously. How is it November. And how is my son 8 months on Sunday. WHERE IS THE TIME GOING???? Oh, Father Time, you are cruel sometimes.
I swear that I am brain dead. I come in here to write, and I am at a loss. I feel like I have no direction on here anymore. Someone told me I don't really NEED direction, but you know, I'd like to keep y'all interested. I am just drawing a blank. Sorry for being boring. I love you all for sticking around.

Posted as part of Danifred's

Go join in!

PYHO: When Work Changes You

2011-11-17T06:50:00.000-05:00

*This was supposed to be my PYHO post for yesterday, but I was unable to get it completed on time.

I used to like people. All kinds of people. And, in reality, I still do. My job has made it difficult for me to remember that.

I work in Technical Support for a wireless phone company. When your phone doesn't work, you call me. Working in a call center entails METRICS. Meaning, there are stats covering how long your calls are, how much time you spend on outbound calls, how many people call back after speaking with you...and on and on and on. What is considered "meeting" for these metrics can change from month-to-month as well as what counts toward our ranking can even change month-to-month. To say this can all be nerve-wracking is an understatement. There is "always room for improvement."

Given the above metrics, and that they affect my job performance, my bonuses, and the number of times I get "the talk" at work, my calls, and thus customers, can severely impact my day. So people who have valid concerns, valid issues, and normally are people with whom I would get along (not all of them, not gonna lie) become irritants of the highest degree.

Calling from your phone? STRIKE - this means I will either have to call you back on another line (outbound call time which affects my handle time) or you won't, and you will end up having to call back (affecting my percentage of people calling back). Don't like you.

Yelling at me because of a company policy? STRIKE - I know, I know, I represent the company. I get that. But most likely I also think the policy sucks. But I can't change it. And if I tell you there is nothing else I can do, I am not lying to you. My hands are tied. Please stop yelling at me. It doesn't change anything and just makes me frustrated.

Have a new phone and can't figure out how to use it or follow simple directions? STRIKE - I applaud you for trying something new, and I know you are just looking for help. I get that. If I had all day to teach you, I would be all over that. But you needing me to walk you through every procedure on the phone for 45 minutes means my handle time is terrible, and I am held accountable for that. Go to the store.

You get the idea. When I am not at work, I hate using the phone. It takes me days to call people back. DAYS. I think my adoration for social media is because I don't have to speak. I don't have to sound perky if I'm not. I can say what I want when I want to. Even if I adore you, chances are I don't want to speak with you on the phone.

This is how I keep food on the table. If I could find a job that paid this much I would be out of here. Because I hate that I really dislike people now. That valid things annoy the shit out of me because they make 40 hours of my life a week miserable. It's not you. Well, sometimes it is. But really, it's me. It's what limits me in my job. I'm sure you're a nice person. But stop calling me. I'm over it.

Card Decision

2011-11-14T10:32:00.000-05:00

I had a hard time figuring out cards. And then realized that 2 of the cards I chose were the wrong size for the promo, so I said "Fuck it" and ordered all the same card. I couldn't stand the thought of digging through the selections again.

So....

Here is the card for the season!

5x7 Folded Card

View the entire collection of cards.

This doesn't allow you to see the inside, unfortunately, but it's cool. I am happy. And I can't spend any more time on it. They are ordered.

Thanks to Shutterfly, K, and Jen for the opportunity to send out cards this year! It wouldn't have happened otherwise, and I am very grateful!

Happy Holidays!

Christmas Sneak Peek!

2011-11-13T16:09:00.001-05:00

FNL: The OMG I Am So Behind Edition

2011-11-11T13:48:00.000-05:00

I will be linking up with Danifred this week, and it's a good thing...I am so freaking behind on things!

I am soooo far behind on blogs, Twitter, etc. I had to wipe out my reader. I'm so sorry you guys. I have been reading what I can and unfortunately, commenting even less. I'm not sure what my problem is. I have been in a major slump. Like the don't want to get out of bed kind. Honestly, if P wasn't here, I'm not sure I wouldn't be off the deep end right now. He is my motivation.
Hubby briefly had a job...and then it turned out they lied, it wasn't a delivery job. It was a door-to-door sales job. Yeah, not so much.
He does have what we hope is a real job interview today. Fingers crossed.
I had a horrendous discussion with my mom and step-dad re: baby 2.0. I know they were speaking out of concern, but I ended up feeling like they think we are completely bonkers for wanting to shoot for #2. It ended with me in tears and drinking far more wine than I should have.
I stopped pumping entirely, and P pretty much refuses to nurse most of the time. Maybe once a day, and very rarely both sides. Le sigh.
21.25 lbs. PORKER. 'Nuff said.
We had to get a bigger non-infant carseat. We were able to afford 1 cheap one. For Christmas my mom got us a Britax convertible to 65 lbs model. Yay! We couldn't have put out the money for that right now. I can't believe he is this big!
Dec 4 begins my new shift (we "realign" every 6 months). I am keeping the 5:50-2:20 shift, but different days off because I liked the supervisor better. While this shift means more time with P (which is why I do it), I am exhausted, I have no time alone with Hubby as I go to bed with P, and I dream of a "normal" schedule some day. But this works best from a Mommy perspective. And that is what matters.
I am trying to make as many gifts as possible this year....and it is STILL too much money :-( Le sigh. But, I like doing it this way. I feel a sense of accomplishment. Hubby has pretty much no input, but then again, he doesn't usually.
P is either teething or getting an ear infection. I'm afraid to wait until Monday if it turns out it is an ear infection. Sitter thinks teething. Looks like we are leaning that direction. I'm not ready for teething. I want goofy toothless grins forever. Shit, I'll get him dentures so he can eat food. He is growing up too fast. I need time to JUST. SLOW. DOWN.
One day I will get fired for telling a customer to shut the fuck up. I am THISCLOSE.

Holiday Cards!

2011-11-10T06:23:00.000-05:00

This year I get to be that person who takes a family photo, puts it on a cute card, and mails it to everyone. Kind of a dream come true!

Now I have to choose which one! I will be going with Shutterfly this season. They have soooo many to choose from!

I don't do religious, and am trying to avoid specific Christmas ones, so here are some of the ones I am considering.

Nice and simple, right?

I like this because it is all-encompassing!

Very generic...lots of photo ops!

This is sooooo me! Very tempting.

I could go on for ages. There are folding cards, stationary cards, and the ones I showed. I like these because I don't have to do much. Yes, I'm lazy. Not gonna lie. No, I'm busy. Yeah, that sounds better.

I think I may choose 2...

As part of our Holiday gift-giving rules, we try to stick to simple. As well as things based on a Christmas poem Sister found that allows for giving something in each of the 4 categories: Need, Eat, Play, Read. In that spirit, I think I may do one of these for a couple people for play.

OR cards. And for need? Well, hey, I have a number of cooks in the family...I think they NEED one of these: a personalized apron!

Shutterfly has TONS of personalized photo gifts.

Yes, I am shamelessly showing off my kid to everyone. So mayhaps they need one of these?

Yeah. There is a lot to choose from. In fact, I am a little overwhelmed. So I'm off to peruse the cards listed as specifically Holiday Cards to get myself into more trouble.

Check 'em out guys. Plenty to choose from. Happy Holiday Shopping!

**I was compensated 25 cards for this review, but all opinions and statements are mine alone.

When The Meanings Change

2011-11-03T08:07:00.000-04:00

You know how I know my life has changed? When the following things have ENTIRELY different meanings.

"I squirted." No, this does not mean an amazing orgasm. It means I squirted milk from a boob, either into P's mouth to get his attention, or across the room because it freaks Hubby out.
"I'm coming, OMG I'm coming." Also not an amazing orgasm. This is me when P is screaming and I am across the room. In fact, it is this very thing that led to the 6 weeks in a walking cast. Yeeeeaaaahhhh.
"Slippery when wet." Not my girly bits. Oh, no. This is a wet baby in the bath. When alone, this becomes a serious hazard.
"Don't give me a hickey!" Said to P when he misses the nipple and gets something else. Can't remember the last time I said that to Hubby.
"I can't remember the last time someone sucked on my lip like that." Again, not Hubby. P giving me a very enthusiastic kiss. Also led to aforementioned hickey.
"Eww, there is sticky white stuff on my pants." Spit up, that is. On my crotch. Nice aim, kiddo. Occasionally also dripping down my chest into my bra.
"OMG that's an erection!" This was not a pleasant surprise awaiting me in bed. This was P's reaction to his first full bath in the bathtub. While I was with him. That was a new and interesting experience! Boys are fun.

Are you seeing a trend here? Yup, my life has DEFINITELY changed.

And I love it. Every wet, sticky, squirting moment.

Ten On Tuesday: FNL Leftovers

2011-11-01T06:24:00.000-04:00

I swear I get more done around the house when Hubby ISN'T home. He likes to chill. I want the house to not be a disaster. This is a problem. We need to discuss a plan for work/play at home.
As of right now, I have spoken to the LL about possibly moving into a smaller place of his so that we are not delinquent in rent. Earliest is a couple months out. Hubby seems to be in denial. I think it's the best choice. Which means we REALLY need to bust ass and start cleaning up, organizing, etc. And STEAM CLEANING. Yeah. Puking animals. Sigh.
Still no job for the Hubs. He is applying multiple places every day. So freaking hard. And scary.
As I am sick this week the whole crib thing has been momentarily abandoned. But I need to go back to it. Maybe. How do I get him to sleep through the night without CIO method? Or do I just give up and admit that my kid likes to eat round the clock even if he doesn't need to? Help??? Please????
I'm really not certain Baby 2.0 will ever happen. Nor am I certain we can handle it if it does. I mean seriously, daycare, exhaustion, sucky time management...and then I remember the vision I have of P playing with a younger sibling. I hate this. Right now...things are just grim. Not trying to be a Debbie Downer...just trying to figure out our lives.
I found our WTE The First Year book. I started reading. And then promptly freaked out, decided P was going to need physical therapy and that he is woefully behind, hit up Dr. Twitter, and have decided to never open that book again. He will do things when he is ready.
I have been reading this book about a "free" school in England, which was a radical thing back in the day. If you omit the parts about homosexuality (outdated viewpoint), he has some really interesting things to say. It seems there are newer editions of this, and I should read one of them to see what they are doing in say, the most recent decade, instead of 1960. But, this is part of what is causing my bipolar parenting issues. He believes in rearing what he calls "free" children. Meaning let them develop at their own pace. No imposing one's own morals, etc. Too much to explain here. Anyway, point being, much of what he says is what I believe. Unfortunately, too much outside influence makes me think I have lost my mind and SHOULD (didn't I write a post about this evil word???) crib train, etc. This school and man are where the phrase "Free To Be Me" really originated. He is worth a look for those of you alternative mamas and daddys.
So, based on that theory, he WILL sleep through the night WHEN HE IS READY. Right? I hope? Please????
We had a snowstorm over the weekend for those who were unaware of the freakish Halloween weather. It was wet and nasty and many many people are still without power. But I took some fun photos which I will post once I get a chance!!!
I swear Pg people at my company follow me. I always end up on a team full of preggos. BUT it makes it easier that the one who sits next to me is a fellow RMA of PA grad. I am happy for her.

This post was supposed to be my FNL post...but I was miserably sick and didn't get it posted. So you get it today. MUAH HAHAHA.

Go check out pics from my adorable kid playing with pumpkin seeds yesterday. Seriously will make you smile. Happy November!

Happy All Hallow's Eve

2011-10-31T14:15:00.000-04:00

Trick Or Treat comes early in our neighborhood...Last Wednesday of the month. Yeah, I know, don't get me started. Grrr. Anywho, P wore his costume early this year. I am trying to figure out a reason to put him in it today, LOL. But I thought I would share some of our Halloween celebrations!

This is actually over a month ago, but he
was going to grow out of it, so I wanted to use it!

Actual costume worn to hand out candy (and
flirt with all the people). Our Monkey!

Caught this earlier that day or the day before - I
call it Obi Wan Sumboobie.

Who, me? Nope, wasn't me.

Today we played with pumpkin seeds....sorry for the goofy layout. My laptop hates me when I put in lots of photos and try to actually manipulate them. *Sad Face*

Digging in the goods.

Gnawing on the bowl, LOL.

He didn't want it to get away...

But it did....nooooo! Come back!

Sweet Shop Winner!

2011-10-30T07:41:00.000-04:00

Good Ol' Random.Org has provided me with the number 3 out of 8 comments.

I had to see if Ms. Foxy (in slot #3) was just commenting or actually entering. Since she was NOT, rather than re-sort, I just moved down a slot and got my dear friend K! So excited. I have won multiple giveaways from her, so it's nice to pay it back!

Shoot me an email, hun, and we will work out the details!

Wordless Wednesday: Cousins and Pumpkins

2011-10-26T13:02:00.000-04:00

Gle.e Twitt.er Campaign!!!

2011-10-24T15:16:00.000-04:00

Don't forget about the Sweet Shop Tutu Giveaway!!! 3 days left to enter!

I don't know if you guys know Amber from Life In the Last Frontier. (Her blog is currently private, so no link right now!) Anyway, after seeing the adoption plotline on this year's Gle.e, she began a simple little petition that ended up going NATIONAL. Including a mention on Time Magazine's website! Kind of amazing, really, what one person can do!

We are now going even bigger with this, if you would be willing to help!

A Twitt.er ccampaign, as follows:

Ask “Quinn” - would you appear in a PSA about adoption?

Join us on Twitter to ask the actress who plays Quinn, Dianna Agron, if she would do a PSA about adoption. Here’s what we’re tweeting:

November is Adoption Awareness Month! RT to ask @DiannaAgron would you do a #Glee PSA to help? http://chn.ge/qHQxOv

Adoption PSA “seems like a reasonable request” says @TIME. What do @DiannaAgron, @idinamenzel think? RT to ask them.http://chn.ge/nxX0fE

We heart #Glee’s Quinn - will @DiannaAgron help #adopted kids by doing a PSA? RT to ask her. http://chn.ge/qHQxOv

So, if you are on Twitt.er and wouldn't mind helping, that would be awesomesauce. Feel free to copy and paste this to your blog as well. We need to spread the word about the realities of adoption so that the young women and men in our country aren't misled, and so that adopted youth don't end up feeling terrible about their own parents. Thank you so much!!!

FNL: Epic Fail

2011-10-21T17:28:00.000-04:00

Hubby's back couldn't take the driving, so they shipped him back to the school and sent him home. On our very thin dime. After he had been a mere 2 hours from me the night before. Yeah.
This is a VERY expensive CDL.
I don't want to talk about money anymore. Praying for a miracle.
This situation could very much so adversely affect our chances for Baby 2.0. I also do not really want to talk about that too much.
It is weird to have him home after being alone for a month. Like he is some stranger. And then I feel guilty for that. P and I had gotten into a routine.
Please cross your fingers for a job for Hubby.
Pumpkin patch take 2 is Sunday with Sister, Lil' Sis, and Littlest. Along with Niece and P. I am hoping for some awesome photos this time around!
Did I mention it's weird having him home? He did dinner and helped with dishes. I have a little free time. I am blown away by this.
Despite absolutely hating my job, I did kick ass last month, landing myself at #12 out of about 500 reps. Don't worry, I'm blowing it again this month, LOL
I expected better tree porn this year, but all the storms are kinda wiping them out early. Still loving the weather and it being my favorite season, I am a happy camper.
P wants so badly to MOVE. He wiggles, he squirms...he sometimes changes position a little from the wiggling, but no true forward motion. He is also THISCLOSE to sitting on his own for more than a second or two. He's growing sooo fast! Where did my little peanut go?

That's me, in a nutshell...without being a total Debbie Downer. Go check out Danifred for some more!

Giveaway: Sweet Shop Tutus!

2011-10-19T10:37:00.007-04:00

Tutus you say? But Genevieve, you have a (not so) little boy! Aha! 'Tis true! But I DO have a niece. And lots of "nieces". Plus, you know, they are fun! I know many of you are waiting for your own rainbow baby...but do you have nieces? Or "nieces"?

Niece recently turned 1. Her "auntie" Missi made her her very own custom tutu, and she wore it with pride!

Missi came up with the idea when she drew a blank on what to make for a friend's daughter for her 3rd birthday. And thus, Sweet Shop Tutus was born.

Sweet Shop Tutus are all HANDMADE within 48 hours of you placing your order, and can also be custom ordered in colors you want and the specific size you need!

She makes Halloween Tutus, as well as themed tutus for all major holidays going forward. Not gonna lie...I want one. Who knows when a tutu will come in handy??? I bet she could do a special order adult sized one.... Tempting, isn't it?

And the cool thing is, she makes them for young girls, babies...whatever size you need. I know Niece is going to have a bunch for dress-up.

Maybe I will get a couple to keep on hand for when Niece visits, or other little girls. Or boys, you know, who want to show their feminine side ;-)

Missi started this on a whim, and I know many of us are all about supporting our fellow crafters. Missi is a photographer, a tutu maker, a mama, a wife...(maybe we can get her to blog!!!).

So, anywho, I wanted to support Sister's best friend and amazing talent. Not a tutu fan? Perhaps you just need to figure out where to wear it so it is more you...such as:

I get to give one of you a tutu! So excited about this! The winner will get to choose a flavor (I love that they are flavors!) and size from her Sweet Shop. Let's give Missi some love, and maybe a little one in your life, too.

Here's how to win:

Leave me a comment with your favorite flavor from Sweet Shop Tutus (1 entry).
Follow them on Twitter: @sweetshoptutus and let me know (1 entry).
Follow them on FB: Sweet Shop Tutus and let me know (1 entry).
Tweet about the giveaway! (1 entry per tweet) (Sweet Shop Tutu Giveaway! Check it out! http://gvandmonkey.blogspot.com/2011/10/giveaway-sweet-shop-tutus.html)

Contest runs until the very end of the day on 10/27/11. Good Luck!!!

Maybe Not...

2011-10-18T06:12:00.000-04:00

Well, I got him to nurse yesterday when I was fairly full. And he did. Just the once. So...I guess the pumping fun continues. I am loathe to let go. I'm not going to lie. If he is willing to nurse at all, then I will continue torturing myself, LOL.

It is worth it for the time he does nurse.

I am tossing around the idea of pumping only once/day at work instead of 3 times, as it obviously does not help my production to do the multiple pumpings. I am too tired to think about it right now, though.

And so the emotional breastfeeding roller coaster continues...

An Ending...

2011-10-17T08:29:00.000-04:00

P turns 7 months in 3 days. And today marks my last attempt at breastfeeding. This last week he has refused more often than not, or merely snacked. My supply tanked.

I am done. 5 months of struggling and fighting my body and machines. I can't do it anymore. And apparently he doesn't want to anymore. We put up a good fight.

I hate this.

HE PASSED!!!

2011-10-14T13:16:00.000-04:00

Hubby passed his CDL. Just got the word a bit ago.

4th time was the charm.

Him not being here SUCKS. Him missing all this time with P SUCKS. But knowing that he is willing to do whatever it takes for us, for his family...that is pretty awesome.

I miss him. I need to take more photos. I love him.

And I am proud of him.

FNL: This Week I Learned..

2011-10-14T11:48:00.000-04:00

That you don't give the dog the center ham bone left from soup made with beans. Don't do it. Just. Don't. Trust me.
That just because I made the decision to start P sleeping in his crib does NOT mean that my nights will be that much easier. Most nights he ends up in bed with me at some point. But ... many nights I am getting 4 hours straight at some point.
That just when I think I've made a hard decision and I will get a break, things like not being able to pay rent happen. Frosties are still in storage, but we owe - and I had to use the Frostie money toward rent. Which I wasn't even able to pay all of. Putting us that much further behind. Holding on by a thread here. Wondering if we will ever break even and be able to try to make another baby.
That I need to take care of myself better. I am dehydrated, as evidenced by being sick much of Wednesday. And I need to find time to eat. A real meal. Not a few bites here and there.
That somedays I'm not so sure pursuing a 2nd child is a good idea. I'm not so good at time management, etc. I am already so overwhelmed.
That there are bandaids that will be unable to be pulled off without some form of tool. Since I chewed off all my nails again. That's okay, I like bandaids as fashion accessories.
That Hubby not being home means the zit on my arse is just getting worse and worse and I can't do a damn thing about it because I am not an orangutan with arms longer than my legs.
That sometimes I wonder if I can handle the daily assault on the emotions that this community brings. The highs are REALLY high, the lows are so very low. For someone like me who is already dealing with some bipolar issues, it can make or break my day hearing news. But I am so much a part of it now. I can't turn my back.
That I am braindead in the mornings at work. And it makes me make mistakes. Good thing I'm not a surgeon or something!
That my patience is very short these days. Very short. Very overwhelmed. Tired. Run down. NO PATIENCE.

I hope you all had a less stressful week than I did!

Kourage For Katy

2011-10-13T06:40:00.000-04:00

Last week I posted about my friend Rebecka and her daughter Katy. I put up a donation button over there on the left.

<----------------------

I have heard from the family, and wanted to update you as to where donations will be going.

They have chosen Hannah's Heroes. So far we are still at ZERO. I know times are tight. But if you can even donate a dollar. The money will be donated in Katy's name.

Take a moment and check them out if you can. Thanks everyone!

PYHO: Should

2011-10-12T08:38:00.000-04:00

I am incredibly tired of this word. SHOULD. As in...

He SHOULD be sleeping through the night by now.

He SHOULD be on a schedule by now.

You SHOULD not co-sleep.

Get the idea?

Guess what...EAT ME. This ass-vice comes from everyone from doctors to well-meaning friends. My neurologist even chimed in on the sleeping through the night thing. I said, "Tell him that."

What is it with "Western" cultures and this need for baby structure? Have you seen the research? Babies for the most part end up at the same developmental milestones within the same general amount of time regardless of scheduling, how much belly time you give them, whether they sleep with their parents, or spend the first 6 months of their lives swaddled and carried in a papoose.

Left to his/her own devices, a baby will eventually develop his own schedule.

Am I going to deny my child food because it isn't time for him to eat? NO. If he cries at night, am I going to let him cry it out? NO. Maybe this works for others. But not for me, and not for him.

I can't spoil him. Not possible. And is it so bad that he learns that if he is upset that Mama will come ~~staggering like a zombie~~ running to his side? Why is this bad??? Why are we so keen on structure? Yes, some kids thrive on it. And if that works for you and them, AWESOME. My kid is, well, a little more laid back about such things. He cannot be forced. Hey, I'm excited we seem to have an actual almost standard bedtime. I consider this progress.

But I am NOT forcing the issue. I take my cues from him. I knew when I had a child that he would be in charge for quite some time. He is NEEDS based. We are slaves to society, schedules, etc. This is why we want them to be. Because it's hard as hell on us otherwise. Well, guess what? No one said it would be easy.

So, please, stop telling my what I or my baby SHOULD be doing. We'll get there. When he is ready.

SHOULD isn't in his vocabulary. NEED is. So is LOVE.

My Memories - GIVEAWAY!!! -- WINNER!

2011-10-11T17:59:00.000-04:00

So, my first hosted giveaway was mildly disappointing. Only a few entrants. But, that's okay :-) Still excited I got to do it!

Random.org took my 16 comments, and selected #12!!! So, I counted down from the first one, and got Nicole! Rather apropos, actually. Yay for my Cycle Buddy who has done so, so much for me! Thank you!

Email me when you get a chance and I will let you know how to get your software!

Thanks to those who did participate. Really appreciate it!

New giveaway coming soon!!!

More Tragedy

2011-10-07T09:27:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I posted about a song and it's meaning in our community. Today it is more apropos than I could have imagined.

Our community sadly has a new member. Rebecka's 2 year old daughter has a brain stem glioma. Cancer. In a 2 year old. Sunday they had a new hope. The amazing doctors at CHOP were going to hopefully help get more of the tumor. With any luck, 6 months of hell would be over. Katy's surgery was Sunday. By Wednesday she still had not woken up and was unresponsive. Wednesday afternoon an EEG showed no brain activity.

Rebecka's family are now all with her in Philly, but arrangements are being made. A young life has been lost to a senseless, indiscriminate disease. Katy's younger sister will never remember her, and most likely, for her older brothers, she will be but a fuzzy memory. A spirited, babbling little girl is gone.

She needs our support, you guys. Please, if nothing else, go give her some love. Send hugs, support, reach out. I know you guys. This is our community.

I do not know what the funeral arrangements are, nor do I have her address yet, but I would like to start a fund, whether for her funeral costs or for a donation, or whatever she prefers. To keep it generic, I have posted a button to the left that you can click on if you are able to give even a $ or $$, hell even 1/$. I will update you with what we have, and where it will ultimately be going.

Either way, please go give her some love. She and her family need it. Thanks, everyone.

I Take You With Me

2011-10-06T06:40:00.000-04:00

I am a glutton for punishment. No surprise there. And with my cycle being all out of whack due to BF, Hubby being gone, me being off meds...needless to say, telling me I look pretty could very well set off the water works.

I tend to make poor emotional decisions when this way. Like listening to the Indigo Girls. Which leads to getting my best male friend to watch "Boys On The Side" with me. Not gonna lie: serious guilty "pleasure". I love this movie. And it makes me bawl. EVERY. TIME. I am way too empathetic for my own good.

So, I cried. Wept. Sniffled into my son's hair. (And, yeah, right now writing this the tears are flowing again. At work.) I cried at all the points I normally do. And then the end came. And all of a sudden I was crying for a totally different reason. A NEW reason.

I'm there, listening to Whoopie singing "Anything You Want (You Got It)" and the meaning of the song has now COMPLETELY changed for me. As I sat there hugging my son, crying into his peach fuzz, I thought that the song could be sung to a child and not lose one bit of it's meaning (just have to change the "i'm your man line"). OMG, I was WEEPING.

I've said it before, and I will say it again: I cannot believe the depth of feeling I have for my child. Being away from him sometimes is like an ache...like a string tying us together and I can feel it tugging at me. He doesn't have separation anxiety, I do. And hearing that...oh, boy. Seriously...anything this child wants (you know, within reason), he's got it. I would go to the ends of the earth for him.

And THEN. The following song is "I Take You With Me" by Melissa Etheridge. So there I am, all of a sudden hearing Roy's song in a totally new way, and the next one hits me like a freaking Mack truck.

Past the devil's own temptation

Beyond where angels sleep

To the holy invocation

Of a neon city street

I feel your hand

I hold you

Through your eyes I see

My love, wherever I go

I take you with me

Down the road of my desires

To the oceans of my peace

Through the fueling of my fires

Until my yearnings cease

I hear your voice

I know you

In your arms I sleep

My love, wherever I go

I take you with me

Even though I've fed my hunger

Even though I've named my fear

I'll never understand it

How the journey led me here

But I have made a promise

That I intend to keep

My love, wherever you go

I take you with me

I have seen so many pages regarding songs people attribute to their IF journey. Songs either written specifically about it, or songs that touch people. And I have listened to them all. And I have listened to this one plenty since we began TTC, since I had P, etc. But once again, sometimes there is an epiphany.

All I could think of was all of my friends with RPL, infant loss, adoptions fallen through, embies that never stuck... We carry them with us always, don't we? No matter what happens. No matter the joy that may follow. We take them with us.

And I take all of YOU with me, in my heart...this song, I think, has changed in my mind, my heart, forever.

"I Take You With Me" - Melissa Etheridge

PYHO: Empty Bed, Empty Arms

2011-10-05T06:31:00.000-04:00

For 6 months, my son has either been next to the bed in his cradle or in bed with us. Recently he outgrew the cradle, so he has just been in bed with us. Between me, Hubby, the dog, and P, our queen-sized bed has been a rather ~~crowded~~ cozy place.

Hubby left 10 days ago. Cue a large empty space in the bed. Then again, I wasn't getting regularly punched in the face, and the dog had space to himself. I started sleeping in Hubby's space.

I spent Saturday night at my mom's. She took baby duty overnight so I could get my first real night of sleep since...oh, sometime early 2010. I tossed and turned, and when I heard him cry, it took a lot for me not to hop up and go take care of him. But, I slept. And you know what???? So did he! Woke up after 3 hours, then slept 4 hours, whimpered, and back to sleep for 2 more. What?????? This is not something he EVER does for me. E V E R.

After discussing this on FB and Twitter with my mommy friends, the conclusion is that my sound is a bloodhound, smells me when he's next to me, and wants to nurse. Even if he doesn't NEED to. So our lack of sleep is because he loves me so much. This breaks my heart. And it taught me I have to let go...

Starting Monday night, the night before 4 am wake-up for the new schedule, I put him to bed in his crib. And he stayed asleep for 3-4 hours, and then again until I got him up to leave. I am now getting 3.5 hours of sleep at a time. 1 overnight feeding.

My little boy is growing up already, and I am having to sever that apron spring way earlier than I wanted. I can't look over and see my baby. I can't reach out, put my hand on his chest, and let his breathing lull me to sleep. I don't wake up to his little sleepy grin when he sees his Mama for the first time in the morning.

Yes, I get a little more sleep in the deal.

But my bed is empty. And my arms are empty. And my heart aches.

My Memories - GIVEAWAY!!!

2011-10-03T18:01:00.000-04:00

I have always wanted to scrapbook. But I have enough on my plate, and I never think to get photos other than those I want framed printed. Plus, it would be more chaos around my already cluttered home. So when I was approached to try a digital scrapbooking software, I jumped at the chance!

I give major props to those of you that work with actual paper, scissors, etc. You make AMAZING things. I, the technologically impaired, apparently actually do better with digital things! Who knew?

One of the reasons that I am super excited about this is that we are HUGE fans of photos in our family. I have tons of my pregnancy and his newborn shots that I still need to hang. But I LOVE the collage look as well, and I was really looking for something inexpensive but creative I could do for gifts this year.

Enter My Memories into my life at a VERY helpful time. The software is easy to use, and it takes very little time to put together some awesome looking pages. There are FREE downloads on their site to embellish what comes with the software, or paid downloads from some really talented designers.

Did I mention easy? I did this in about 10 minutes, as the start to an album I want to put together:

They even have videos on YouTube to assist with the software and with ideas. (Great for the technologically impaired persons like myself.)

Best part? I get to pass this on to you guys!!! One of you will get the My Memories Digital Scrapbooking Software for FREE!!! That is a $40 value, which is SWEET.

For those of you who don't win, but are interested, you can get $10 off the scrapbooking software, plus a $10 store coupon using this promo code: STMMMS78804. Win/Win, right?

Please leave a comment for each entry! Make sure at least one of your comments has your email address!

Mandatory: Visit My Memories, take a look around, and leave me a comment telling me what your favorite product, layout, what-have-you, is!
Follow My Memories on Twitter (@MyMemoriesSuite). (1 entry)
Follow My Memories on Facebook (My Memories Suite). (1 entry)
Leave a comment on their blog and shoot me a link (My Memories). (2 entries)
Let me know you follow me! (1 entry)
Follow me on Twitter (@AttilaTheHippie) (1 entry)
Tweet about the contest! (1 entry/tweet - make sure to @AttilaTheHippie so I can add it to you! And let me know your twitter name when you follow me!)

So that is 8+ possible entries. Giveaway will end 10/10/11 at midnight. Any comment before then that is a valid entry will count, and I will use one of those coolio sites that does a random choosing. PLEASE make sure you leave in the mandatory comment your email address so I can get ahold of you! Thanks!

And GOOD LUCK!!!

*I was contacted to do a review of this product and received a copy of the software for that purpose. All opinions are my own*

FNL: Rainbows To The Rescue

2011-09-30T10:19:00.000-04:00

I haven't dyed my hair since shortly before P was born. There are A LOT of shiny silver hairs going all haywire up there. I always forget how many there are and how old they make me feel. Oh, well. I earned them!
Can someone please come winterize my garden for me? Thanks.
I have gotten more bug bites since Labor Day than the whole of summer. WTF? The lady doth protest.
Not gonna lie...this single parenting thing is OVERWHELMING. I feel that P is not getting enough of my attention as I try to keep up with everything on my own.
My ability to have absolutely no filters on Twitter would frighten Hubby if he knew the things I shared. My family, too. They think I overshare to them? Ha!
Speaking of which, I want to thank everyone on there for cheering me on to pop the cherry!
I am seemingly incapable of NOT tracking my cycle. It's pointless and unneeded. But it is now ingrained in me. I am on CD40, and I swear I O'd 3x this cycle! This is based on EWCM. My body thinks it is pregnant. Which is horrid if you aren't because it is a tease with all the bad symptoms. Whatever. I blame breastfeeding. What else could it be? Then again, no cramps and bleeding isn't so bad.
I was told today at work that I am negative for pointing out some truths. Not complaining even. Just being straight-forward. I smile all the time. I encourage people. I don't whine about the fact that I am exhausted and in pain ALL. THE. TIME. I defend myself, yes. But I really am positive almost all of the time. But we all need to vent sometimes! It really annoyed me. And upset me. It seemed like a very blindered view of my personality. I bust my ass for something I do not enjoy, and there is "always room for improvement". Sigh. It's like sweeping away a flood with a broom: pointless.
Sometimes, on phone calls at work, I feel like I am talking to a wall where what I say is completely not received/comprehended. Or it is totally ignored. *it pays the rent it pays the rent it pays the rent*
I saw a gigantic double rainbow after a storm yesterday (and, incidentally, the coolest clouds in a long time!). I immediately thought that they had to be tidings of good omens. I was right.
Hubby officially has his CDL permit and drove for the first time yesterday.
AND! He won his SSD appeal for the time he was unable to work before and after his surgery. We are owed 23 months of back pay for that time, less lawyer fees. Did you just see me grow a couple inches? Yeah, HUGE weight off. I have no idea the amount or the time frame, but this is amazing.
Thank you rainbows. And thank you storm clouds for giving me rainbows...

Fluff Review

2011-09-29T15:37:00.002-04:00

I have been meaning to do this post for some time now. A sort of overview of the cloth diapers we have used/are using.
So, to start...

CLOTH DIAPERS

bumGenius: I have about 10 of the 3.0's, and a couple AIO. I use the 3.0 for overnights exclusively. Double stuffed. (You know, like an oreo!). With very few exceptions he can go 10 hours easily overnight in these without leaks. There are occasional ones, but no system is fool proof. A note of importance: we do not use BG doublers...we use another full-size insert for greater coverage. One of the things I adore about these is that the moisture wicks through to the inserts and keeps his bum/wobbly bits fairly dry, even with the dype being on for so long. Downfall: BULKY. But hey, I cloth diaper, he's going to have a fluffy bum :-)

Nubunz: I have...9 of these I think? That seems to be what I remember buying. Anywho, these are very similar to BG in design. However, they are not as absorbent. On the other hand, they are slimmer in fit! We tried them for overnights...FAIL. So, they are daytime diapers. We double stuff these as well, but only because P is a heavy wetter. It just makes everyone's lives easier. Fewer full clothing changes. I like them :-) Plus, fun colors! At least the ones I have. Lime green? Yes, please!

Apple Cheeks: I only have a couple of these. I would honestly love to have more. They are good for daycare as well, and super trim. I have size 1 - supposed to go up to 20 lbs. As I am learning, with ANY sizing, these are ESTIMATES. P is (I hope) not yet 20 lbs, but we are getting into some serious difficulties with fitting into these right now. They take inserts as well, loading from the middle. I would prefer if there was a little more PUL right around the legs. I see more leakage on these than the nubunz at this point. But, with double stuffing, it's not too bad. Definitely not an overnight winner, though. NOTE: For size 1, I have found the doublers that BG makes actually fit perfectly into the stuff slot on these! They are a smidge shorter, perfect for these!!!

Kushies: These are an AIO dype. There is a built-in flap, basically providing an extra layer. For girls you leave it flat, for boys, fold up. Now, it says to fold it for more protection, obviously in the front, for my boy. Which means it would fasten in the back, like gDiapers (yes, I will cover these). But...it doesn't look like they are supposed to, and I just leave the flap down. The flap also will accommodate an insert for more absorbency! *Shrug* Either way, they are a good daytime dype as well. No stuffing/unstuffing, which is nice. Sometimes velcro is rough because it wears out, but on an AIO it's nice because it mimics a disposable - easy on, easy off! I likey!

SposoEasy: These are very much like the Kushies. They ALSO have a flap. Again, if folding the flap, it appears that you fasten the diapers IN THE BACK. Which looks kinda weird, but I suppose is totally irrelevant in terms of coverage. I like them for the same reasons I like the Kushies. I do not know which size I have of these OR the Kushies. All I know is they still fit him and he still has room to grow. This is all I care about, LOL.

gDiapers: We got the tiny size for when he was finally big enough for something other than those itty bitty preemie diapers. For these, the insert goes straight into the dype. All of theirs fasten in the back. I really liked the tiny size, actually. Now, poop leaks are the biggest issues with these. We also used the small size up to about 12 lbs. They are supposed to go to 14, but again, estimates. For these there is a removable liner into which you put the insert. Which means if no leakage, easy switch out if the liners are pre-stuffed. I mentioned poop leaks. Sometimes that liner simply doesn't hold things. But, these are also very easily hand washed as they are not all crazy thick, and dry quickly. Much easier to pack multiple dypes for a day out. We used the biodegradeable, flushable liners at first. We then switched to cloth liners, but didn't purchase their liners. We used ones we had purchased generically. I think they were too big, really, as we started having more leakage issues. Good to know. I would have continued to use them (trim fit, easy to pack, etc) but we would have had to keep buying the next size up, so I made the move to OS (or so) to save money. I really do love how trim they are. And thus cute. The leaks were worth it.

**We also have some pocket diapers coming from my sister from her former diaper service. I don't know the brand, but they appear to be very much like BG.**

Prefolds: Apparently everyone but me (in our family) cannot stand these. They really are not that difficult to use! I like them. They do stay very wet as they are not designed to wick moisture away. We have mostly Econobum covers, and one of some other variety that I currently cannot find, LOL. We had some really cute tiny ones, but he has currently outgrown those. I like that I can reuse the cover as long as their isn't a poop blowout. But NO ONE ELSE will use them if an easier one is around. C'est la vie. If you do prefolds, start with a medium - they fold to be made smaller, and go up to 29 lbs (approximately) - money saver!!! I do wish I had more covers...

Sometimes, even we "cheat". There are reasons for this. Either laundry day has been delayed, we are out for the day and don't want to carry dirty cloth diapers, etc. In the beginning he was just too damn small! Whatever it is, it happens sometimes. With that in mind, here are the environmentally "friendly" brands we have tried once he was out of preemies!

7th Generation: These were AMAZING for absorbency! Not even kidding. All night. No leaks. Not gonna lie, makes me want to sometimes just use disposables at night. Not to mention that there is no pee smell next to me in the morning! Oh, sometimes I really do understand the draw. Anywho, liked these a lot :-)

Full Circle: Pretty much the same make as the 7th Generation, but do have color and patterns (and therefore, one must assume, dyes). Absorbency is excellent as well. Hard to find. Got them because there were packs on sale for $5 - umm, hello? That is AWESOME!

So, as far as I can think, that wraps up my cloth diaper review (for what it's worth).

Look for a review on baby clothing sizes - the bane of my existence! (could be worse, just sayin')
*I was NOT provided any diapers for review, compensated in any way, etc. These are all my own opinions*

Cherry Pie With A Peanut On Top

2011-09-28T14:31:00.000-04:00

Well, after much encouragement from my Tweeps, a plan in place, and a baby monitor next to us, Hubby and I FINALLY took the plunge and popped that postpartum cherry.

Yes. 6 MONTHS post partum. 8 months since any nookie.

I have been soooo nervous about going there. And so tired and with absolutely NO sex drive. So. I just didn't care. But with Hubby leaving for 3 months, I thought we ought to give it a shot. After our date failed epically on Monday with only dinner, no movie, and me in bed at 8pm, I told him that Friday was IT.

Yup, we scheduled it. No shame here. Ya gotta do what ya gotta do, right?

The plan was to put P down in the crib. You know, that thing people buy for their children to sleep in? One of those big, expensive items that we agonize over for weeks about? Convertible, not convertible? What type of mattress? What color? Matching set? Too tall? Too short? You get the idea. The same crib that 6 months later has held blankets, stuffed animals, clothing, diapers...pretty much anything BUT the kid. He has been in there as much as...10 minutes at a stretch while I did things in the room. Maybe.

But Friday night was to be different. P is usually (but never regularly) dozing on my boob by around 8 pm. So into the crib he was to go. He dozed. I tweeted that THE DEED was about to happen. I stood up...

And he woke up.

I sat back down, switched boobs. Thought better of it. Went upstairs to the nursery. Changed his butt (and his clothes after he knocked the diaper wipe container on its side spilling diaper wipe solution on the table rendering it quite damp and slick). Sat in the rocker. Pulled out other boob. And watched him chew on his fingers, grin at me, stare at the stuff on the walls, and babble away. At 8:45 pm.

Desperate times, folks, desperate times.

I turned out the big light, turned on the small light and PUT HIM IN THE CRIB. Awake. Turned on the mobile (I hear babies like them...) (and which really ought to have a silent mode), and left the room. With him awake.

WHAAAAATTT???? I hear people do this. As a matter of normal daily proceedings. It is fairly incomprehensible to me.

So, run upstairs, get undressed, climb in bed, Hubby is NAKED! What is this naked thing? He must actually want to get some nookie! (Oh, please, please, PLEASE do not let my family be reading this!!!). What comes next??? I honestly am not sure what to do now...

And all I can think about is the monitor right next to us...and all I hear is the music from the mobile, and I keep wondering if he is okay or still playing ...man, it is hard to concentrate!

But, I did it! Despite the fact that I don't feel in the least bit sexy. And my tatas are sooo off limits because they are P's food source! Back off everyone! And while it was initially a bit hurty, it was so worth it.

And P was fussy within 5 minutes. Soooo, no snuggle time. P back in bed with us where I felt much better about his well-being.

Was it worth jumping that hurdle? Absolutely :-) Will it be a hurdle again? I think so. I have a mental block. Sleep and time with baby trumps all unless I push it. So, in the name of keeping my marriage sane, it is time to start making time for alone time with Hubby. Especially with him being gone a lot.

We need it. I can't forget that our marriage is a priority, too.

PMM: Mornings

2011-09-27T14:15:00.000-04:00

I am a day late...the fact that today is my "Monday" always throws me off.

It's been a rough few days at home. And since Hubby has been doing the paper route. It's rough. I sleep alone a lot. Now all the time.

Saturday night I went to bed bawling my eyes out. P was fussy, he woke up multiple times that night. It was rough. Sunday night was really no better. P wouldn't let me put him down. We were finally able to move to the bed, but he fussed off and on more than usual. I ususally emerge from such nights terribly blurry eyed.

The bonus was I didn't have to get up. I could sleep until he woke me up. In the mornings he stretches his little hands, squeaks, and slowly opens his eyes. If I am already awake, I watch his process...because it ends with him realizng I am there and giving me the cutest sleepy morning grins. It can take a horrid morning and immediately make it all okay.

Monday morning I got to just "sleep in" (7am!). I awoke to my son babbling away, chewing on his fingers and punching me in the back. I rolled over, and was awarded by a big old french kiss/suck to the nose. LOL.

And for that moment, those few moments before we got out of the cocoon to face the day, it was okay. Hubby was still here. The day was full of possibilities. Because really, how can you be out of sorts when your day starts like this:

Go link up with Lori, share your Perfect Moment, and read about others' perfect moments. It will make you smile. And sometimes, we all need a smile.

6 Months!

2011-09-26T15:51:00.000-04:00

As you know, P turned 6 months young a week or so ago. We have now had our checkup and are armed with stats!!!

Length: 25.5" - 25th percentile. (5th% 2 months ago)
Head Circumference: 17.25" - 50th percentile (5th% 2 months ago)
Weight: 18lb 5oz - 60th percentile (not even on the charts 2 months ago!!!)

As far as Doc is concerned, he is a normal, slightly above average weight 6 month old. Healthy physically and developmentally.

What a journey, eh?

I pulled this from healthychildren.org to get an idea of where we stand. These standards are for 4-7 month of development.

Physical Skills
•Rolls both ways: Well, hard to say. He can roll from belly to back when he wants. He can roll from back to side to side, but not to belly.

•Sits with and without support of hands: Sure, if he is leaning on something! LOL. Not quite on this. But stronger every day!

•Supports whole weight on legs: Oh, yeah. Been pushing back with his legs for a couple of months now.

•Reaches with one hand: Been doing this for ages as well. Poor Hubbys facial and chest hair! LOL.

•Transfers object from hand to hand: Umm...he tends to grab with both hands, so hard to say.

•Uses raking grasp: Absolutely.

Social Skills
•Enjoys social play: With adults, yes. Does not mind when other kids show serious interest in him.

•Interested in mirror images: Mirror baby is a good friend of P's.

•Responds to expressions of emotion: He defintely smiles in response to smiles, others he isn't to sure of.

•Appears joyful often: My kid grins and chatters and squeals with delight all the time. It makes us laugh. There is a lot of laughter in our house thanks to him :-) Even with all the stress.

Cognitive Thinking
•Finds partially hidden object: He looks for an object he loses, does that count?

•Explores with hands and mouth: All items are fair game for P's mouth. Must touch, must gum. Yup yup.

•Struggles to get objects that are out of reach: He does this most when on his belly, but when he was too small to reach things in his jumper or on his mat, he definitely reached for them. It is especially evident now.

So, what I see from this list is that really, he is on track! Not bad for 5 weeks early! Really, it's some of the physical strength stuff in which he is a little slow (sitting, trying to crawl), and his head is still a little bobbly. Then again, he has quadrupled his birth weight, essentially, so getting the strength to match the weight could take a little longer! Besides, I am so not ready to baby proof and worry about turning around and finding he is eating paper or something, LOL.

A look back over 6 amazing months:

My teeny little newborn!

Snuggling his daddy, 1 month old

The silliness begins...2 months old

Found his smile, 3 months

Found his hands, 4 months

Water baby, 5 months

Peanut the Porker, 6 months

Happy 6 month to my not so Peanut-y Peanut! We are so blessed!

Saying Goodbye

2011-09-24T20:21:00.000-04:00

These are my favorite photos of P and Hubby since shortly after he was born...

and there he goes....

I would be lying if I said I hadn't been crying for the last 90 minutes straight. I am going to go get a drink or 2. Don't judge me...

FNL: Changes

2011-09-23T12:29:00.000-04:00

Linking up once again with Danifred for

Tonight marks my last night with Hubby until sometime around Christmas. Yup. I am freaking out.
To make sure we get some, ahem, ALONE time tonight, we are putting P to bed in his crib. For the first time. That should get us, oh, maybe an hour, LOL.
Yes, he has a crib. It stores blankets, stuffed animals, and occasionally diapers. It's beautiful. Tonight it will hopefully store a sleeping Peanut.
I think I am going to clean the hell out of my house this weekend. Gotta keep myself busy. And catch up on premieres of the Fall TV season on HULU. Must. Distract. Myself.
STILL working on the giveaway post - this week has been hectic, and I haven't really had a chance to filddle around with the product to give a good review of it. I am hoping to squeeze that in this weekend as well!
I am excited for P's 6 month well-baby on Monday! Squeee! Let's see just how big the Porker is, LOL.
The Save the Frosties campaign raised $350. Thank you all SOOOOO much! I have to call and pay the last 2 months that are now overdue and find out if I can pay a partial month for October and then move them to a new facility with my own wheels. Cross your fingers.
Also cross your fingers that maybe Hubby's new insurance will have IF benefits! How cool would that be???
My chronic headaches are back. I think it's a combination of removing sugar from my diet and no longer being on my Zoloft. I stopped taking it to save whatever little bit of money I could. I am going to have to go back on it. I am emotionally all over the place, headaches are back. It's just not pretty.
We owe nearly a month's worth of rent to family/friends for getting us through rent the last 2 months. Sigh. Some day we won't go through this, right?
I think it is "try not to murder your husband" week. At least, it seems that way...it seems myself and some other friends are on the brink of justifiable homicide.
In case you are law enforcement and reading this, that is a JOKE. Get it?
For the record, I have no idea why anyone in Law Enforcement that I don't already know would be reading this.
Note: I am giving up this train of thought as I am digging a bigger and bigger hole with this one.

It's officially Fall! Go enjoy it!

Things I Love Thursday: It's The Small Things

2011-09-22T21:07:00.000-04:00

My dear friend Di has started a new meme! And it's pretty cool. Good way to get ideas for baby items, etc. I have been meaning to join in, but keep spacing on it. Go figure. Time management issues!

So, for this week's "Things I Love Thursday" I am sharing one of my favorite gifts we received for Peanut. Oddly, it is an infant toy that we have really only recently used AS INTENDED.

Sassy Bugs are a wrist rattle and squeaker. But they have a stretchy cord as well, so they do not sit on top of the wrist. We have had them hanging on his bouncer and such for him to play with. Recently I started actually putting them on his wrists when we go out and about.

We have ones that sit right on his wrist, and he happily gets that to his mouth to chew on. These, however, are soooo much cooler for on-the-go. Because they "float", he thinks he has toys ALL THE TIME. He can chew on them, shake them, etc. They crinkle, rattle, squeak, and are small enough for easily handling. Essentially? He loves them. See?

Portable fun toys! I don't have to pack tons of stuff, which, let's be fair, is such a good thing when out and about with a baby. Less is more, ya know?

PYHO: Respect

2011-09-21T12:50:00.000-04:00

As of 3 days from now, I will be on my own. Yes, we have a roommate currently, and help in the neighborhood, but Hubby will be gone for nearly 3 months straight. 3 months. He is going to miss P learning to crawl, learning to pull himself up (most likely), more growth. All kinds of things.

And I have been struck with so much respect for military spouses. One of my Twitter friends had to deliver her 22 w/o twins WITHOUT her husband there. He is deployed. He got leave to come home, but missed the delivery. She has been sick, grieving, etc, with him thousands of miles away.

I do not know how they cope. I am a basketcase! Trying to get him packed and not forget anything. I have a shift change on top of it, 1 week later. And will have to get P and I out the door by 5 am. GAH! I cannot believe that there are women, men, who go through this for 6+ months at a time.

I bow down to you. I am your Grasshopper. Teach me. Please. How do I do this? How do I find the former independent me? How do you men and women do this. Independent part of the time, wife/husband the other time? Again. I have disovered a level of respect for you that I feel I need to shout from the rooftops. Teach me, oh wise ones.

Sincerely,

Grasshopper

FNL: caibh

2011-09-16T15:06:00.001-04:00

The title stems from P managing to type on my phone while I was feeding him. I opened this up and found a draft post, so the title stuck, LOL. Figured he must've had something to say.
Remember OLBW? The world doesn't want me to lose the baby weight. Fell HARD. 2 days of limping. I hate going home late because that is time with my kiddo I am missing. So, that said, I am going to try and use our Wii Fit more as a compromise.
I officially become a Trucker Widow (TW) in 9 days. Hubby leaves the day we were going to go play at Celtic Fest. For 3 months. We are hoping he gets a break for Christmas. As it is, it looks like he will be gone for Thanksgiving. So much for seeing his family this holiday season.
This is really a GOOD thing. It really is. Maybe his benefits will include IF coverage! Then I could go do my FET and surprise him! Wow...that would be a dream come true right there.
I informed him that we are having a date night in the next week and that sex IS happening. No way am I putting that off 3 more months. Might as well send him off with a treat, right?
Note: I am making an effort to make that happen. Honestly I just want to sleep. LOL.
We are pulling P out of daycare because of needing care 2 more days a week - cannot afford that. Our soon-to-be former neighbor has agreed to watch him for whatever we can throw her right now. So, on one hand, he will be getting one-on-one attention. On the other...not much interaction with other kids. Must do play-dates!
Also, I am switching shifts to a 5:50am-2:20pm shift. Amusingly, it is with a woman whose Hubs is ALSO doing a truck driving school, leaving a week after mine! Anywho, it gets me a few more hours a week. I will have to be out the door with P at 5 am. HA! This should be interesting. I will pack the night before, change his diaper, get me dressed and go. Seriously. That's all I am doing. 8 hours is going to seem like such a long shift at this point!
Porker (aka Peanut aka Phelan) has been refusing to BF - sometimes entirely, sometimes until after a bottle. He gets frustrated at the slowness of my output. Had me in tears the other day. This morning he refused all milk, but happily ate close to 2oz of pears and oatmeal! I can't figure this kid out. Such a conundrum.
No, he is NOT sleeping through the night. Well, at least not without eating. I swear he sleeps through his feedings. Wakes up, is obviously hungry, but eyes stay shut and he eats himself back to sleep. Sometimes as much as every 2 hours, and if I try for bigger feedings, I can't keep him awake long enough. Sleep is overrated, right? LOL. At least I get lots of cuddle time.
Speaking of which. He is pretty much too big for the cradle. With the frequent wake-ups, no way am I putting him a floor away so that I can break my neck on the stairs in the middle of the night just so he can ~~finally~~ use his crib. With Hubby being gone, I see no end to the co-sleeping thing. I imagine it will get worse. One day he will sleep in that fantastic crib his nana and great-grandpa bought for him, LOL. (It will be a toddler bed by then).
I keep forgetting to post daily pics! Then again, not much new has been going on with him. Will try to be better!
Giveaway coming up soon! A SPONSORED Giveaway! I have moved into the big leagues. Just have to get my arse in gear and review the product.
Alright, bets on how much Porker weighs! Based on this photo:

Baby Elvis

Head over to Danifred's site, give her a big congrats on a great Anatomy Scan, and share YOUR leftovers!

Apologetic Debbie Downer

2011-09-15T14:34:00.000-04:00

I have been a serious downer lately. And I apologize. I swear I am not crying and weepy and mopey all the time. Just very overwhelmed right now, and PMS is NOT helping! Could have done without the return of AF last month.

All is not doom and gloom. P is a constant source of joy. He smiles alllll the time. He giggles! Which is hysterical. I won't know until after his 6 month checkup in 12 days (not counting or anything...), but I am fairly certain he is not only on the charts, but easily 50% percentile. PORKER! LOL. And thoroughly entertaining.

I promise a 6 month photo shoot very soon! Can't afford to pay for one, so I am doing it myself! Hope it comes out! Fall theme, of course.

Anywho, wanted to just say sorry for all the downer posts!

Double-Edged Sword

2011-09-14T18:22:00.001-04:00

Merriam-Webster defines FEMINISM as

1: the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes 2: organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests

I think some of us see it specifically as fighting for equal is equal as opposed to that evil "separate but equal" from the civil rights movement. Which it has been. And understandably so.

But recently (and please don't flame me, though discussions are welcome), I have been feeling a little bit...miffed...that I so staunchly am a feminist. But...look at definition part 2...go on, look. "...on behalf of women's rights and interests."

Why am I focused on this? Because I am struggling to keep my job in a country so focused on business and economics that the focus on families and the future (our children) is sorely neglected. Maternity leave is a joke. If you are eligible for FMLA, you may be able to get 3 months, half of which is unpaid unless you can accrue enough vacation time. Complications in pregnancy make this impossible. Leaving you to return to work long before you or baby is really ready.

My child does not sleep through the night. Not even remotely. Add to that Daycare Plague, and you have a recipe for attendance disaster. I got the "other people have issues, too" speech today. But if I am so tired that driving is dangerous I am not driving! It is not as though I am hungover and slacking off. But my responsibilities to my health and family have to come first, right? And they "understand". It comes down to "You have to do what you have to do."

Eat me.

I am not asking for special dispensation. Don't pay me for missed time. But I feel like I am forced to make decisions that shouldn't have to be made.

Which brings me back to feminism. We can do the work as well as men. BUT, we many times face challenges men don't. This also applies to single dads. Parents. Those with chronic illnesses. Sometimes FMLA doesn't cover you. What then? Good old Darwin?

So if they fire me I will be milking unemployment. Unabashedly. And enrolling P in state-assisted insurance. Because that is focused on children! Good for them.

We fought to be equal...but in doing so, we may have forgotten some of the important things in life. And that makes me angry. Our culture makes me angry. I am ANGRY. But right now, I have to take it. Because it's a choice...food on the table is caring for my family, too.

Magic Moments

2011-09-13T16:18:00.000-04:00

There are so many magic moments in life. I wish I could post them all here! But alas! I have to limit myself.

Link up with Shell to see others' Magic Moments (and maybe win something, too!!!)

A typical evening in Okovimburu. More special to me than you would believe.

Sunset in the Grand Canyon, day 2 of our honeymoon. One of the
most amazing things I have EVER seen. Even with a concussion!

The first time I met the children I would work with in Okovimuburu. I was
their first white person.

The first time I packed and pulled my own chute
while skydiving - "oh, good, it worked!"

A magical afternoon amongst the sunflowers along Rt 14 in
South Dakota. Caught my mom unawares.

Our first family photo.

The first time I held my tiny boy.

What are your magic moments? Link up and share!

Hope and Pain

2011-09-12T09:46:00.000-04:00

I didn't post a "where were you post" or a "remember" post yesterday. I didn't feel the urge. My feelings on that day are mixed, emotionally and politically speaking.

But, in a way, that day changed the course of my life.

I was in Okovimburu, Namibia. At a meeting (it was something like 3 in the afternoon). The family I lived with had satellite TV, the only one for miles around, so I was usually rather well-informed. I returned from said meeting at a few minutes past 3pm local time. My brother Kipaa came over and said, "Did you hear?" "Did I hear what?" "New York was bombed." I remember looking at him in utter disbelief and then running in to put C-Span on. It was early enough that the 2nd plane had yet to hit. No one knew what was going on. I watched from the 2nd plane hitting through the next 48 hours until Mama dragged me off the couch and made me eat, bathe, get out.

That was the beginning of the end of my stay in Namibia. I never fully recovered. When I flew home in November, I got a full taste of the worldwide panic in airports. Military carrying machine guns in the airport. Wow.

If that hadn't happened, I would have had an entirely different life, I think. I know.

2 years ago, 9/11/09, Hubby and I had our first RE appointment, around 9 am I think, oddly apropos. We had no diagnosis, just a lot of information, and my first experience with the dildo cam. We walked out with HOPE. We were going to cycle in 2 short months, be pregnant, and live happily ever after.

And so 9/11 came to hold another feeling. Hope. Instead of pain at what could have been, I had hope about what could be.

Pain.

Hope.

They kind of go hand-in-hand don't they?

Last night I cried. I read about 2 BFP's in Bloggy Land. Our dear Missus Gamgee and Sara, both natural, one for an RPL survivor, and one a recent endo lap survivor. And I cried. For their HOPE. For my PAIN. For MY hope. Excitement for them. That evil green headed monster Jealousy. But always, for HOPE.

MY hope. Between what Nicole has managed to raise with all of your help, and what a dear friend is putting in the mail to us this week, we have enough to SAVE THE FROSTIES. At least for a bit. The $500 would get us through until December only at our clinic. But this fabulous woman, Alexandra, made some phone calls and found that Fairfax Cryobank (oddly, the original source, though not final, of our Sperm Daddy) in Philly will store for 40% the cost. As we didn't know this ahead of time, we will be scheduling a move, which I can hopefully do myself, and gain us storage until JULY! Just have to get them moved by the end of the month, so tomorrow I will be making some calls.

MY hope. Hubby is looking into getting his CDL and doing OTR trucking. He will be gone a lot. But the money is good and could end up being a very wise choice for us, plus allow us to move. My family will not be pleased, but we've given up nearly 3 years of seeing his family to see mine. No one side will ever be truly pleased with our bicoastal-ness. If he starts this, that is more money rolling in, meaning we can catch up again. Because we need approximately $5k for ONE FET. Thank you IF for putting us in the poorhouse. Family planning? Oh, man, whoever came up with that phrase had NO IDEA.

MY hope. That P will, thanks to many of you, HOPEFULLY have a sibling sometime in the near future. A little brother or sister to torment, to mentor, to love.

My PAIN. $5k to pull out of our asses. For a prayer that we will be blessed for attempt #2 as we were for #1. Could it be that easy? My heart can't believe that.

My PAIN. Not seeing my Hubby for possibly weeks at a time. We still haven't even managed to have nookie. He gets up at 2am to go deliver papers. Neither one of us gets enough sleep. There simply is no energy. At this rate we could conceive another child without sex happening in between. What is it like? To know you created a baby out of a night of love? That a miracle occurred right in your own body, without any outside help? I think I will always mourn that. It is a thought so inconceivable to me that sometimes I have to remind myself that one day I will have to hand my son condoms and tell him to be careful. Irony.

September 11. Pain. Hope. Forever tied together.

FNL: Sugar Free

2011-09-09T17:59:00.000-04:00

Linking up with Danifred!

I went sugar free as of Tuesday. I am going BONKERS. Well, except for the iced tea in the fridge, but no more cookies, sugar on my oatmeal, etc. I got it out of my system by living on cookies last weekend. But NO MORE. Operation Lose Baby Weight (OLBW).
Of course, I want to be pregnant again like NOW. So perhaps it is counter-intuitive. I am trying to push the fates...if I lose the weight, $5k will miraculously appear so we can do an FET, which will of course be miracle #2.
It would help if I had gotten that other job. How the hell did I f**k up a phone interview for which I was OVERqualified? Grrr.
Now I need to find something else. Or $5k. Sigh.
Hubby is considering getting his CDL so he can get a driving job. Because, you know, I want to be home alone.
Come to think of it, he already stopped sleeping in our bed because getting out of a cozy bed at 2am is not working for him. I miss my husband.
I seem to remember something called sex...vaguely. I think Hubby has actually given up.
Wow, I seem like a serious Debbie Downer today. Huge apologies. I've been fairly chipper. Just the frustrations coming out I guess.
I am so wishing I could do something right now for all the people I know who have been affected by the massive flooding here in PA. Please, if you can, donate to the Red Cross, clean your closet out and find clothes, whatever you can. I will be donating what clothes I can as that is pretty much my only option right now. Please help. Please.
This new autumnal change to the weather absolutely rocks my world. It makes me so excited to do P's 6 month photos (I am doing them myself to save $$) - can you say PUMPKIN PATCH??? Oh, yeah.... SQUEEEEEEE!!!
I am thinking of opening an Etsy shop to help with some extra money. With my photos and start doing some crocheted items. Thoughts? How does one do this?
My c25k project did not begin so well. Asthma, way too long since I have worked out, coming off injury...I couldn't even complete the first day. I am however committing myself to 3-4x/week 30 min brisk walks on the treadmill. It is better than nothing, and help with OLBW. I am so tired of feeling pudgy, out of shape, and unsexy.
Positivity: I think P is going to be close to 50th% on the charts when he goes in on the 26th. I can't wait to see. How insane is it that my 4lb kiddo has very likely gone from <5th% to average size in 2 months??? Seriously, he has surpassed some of my Bleeps babies who were either older or bigger. Porker. Now of course, I am worried he is gaining TOO fast.
I am remembering, in light of the last couple weeks of natural disaster mania, to count my blessings. Yes, we had to beg $$ to pay rent. Yes, we are struggling. But right now, we still have a roof over our heads, food on the table, love in our hearts. We are blessed.

Ten On Tuesday

2011-09-06T08:13:00.000-04:00

I forgot to do FNL, so I'm going to do this instead!

We started P on solids. I know, I know, we said 6 months. But he just seemed ready! So far he is loving apples, pears, bananas, yams, and peas. The jury is out on acorn squash and avocados, and carrots have not yet been attempted. It is a trip feeding him. He takes an ounce 2-3 times a day. Give or take.... I can't believe we are on solids!!! Gah! Where does the time go???
We are also (mostly) into 3-6 month clothes at last. I put him on the produce scale last week, and he appears to be hovering around 15lbs. Wow....
Today marks 3 years being married to Hubby. Longest marriage and relationship so far :-) He is AMAZING, and I am a lucky woman.
STILL have not heard back about the job I had a phone interview for. It's been more than 2.5 weeks. I emailed AGAIN today. Sigh. I hate job hunting. This is driving me bonkers. But if we want #2, it's a necessity, plus, you know, I despise my job.
Starting a c25k today. Eep. I am nervous. But I will DO IT!!! Decided to stay 30 minutes late at work to use the treadmill. Accordingly, I am in sweats and sneakers today. That, and it's 63 degrees today! Woohooo! Bring on Fall!
I am so damn tired of oatmeal and peanut butter. But man, do I poop well these days! Oatmeal for boob juice, peanut butter for protein and ease of consumption and cost.
P blows raspberries now . It is farking hysterical. The whole top of his onesie gets soaked from the drool, LOL.
P has gone from despising belly time to actually enjoying it for a bit. Until he gets frustrated that he can't go anywhere yet. I sense baby gates sooner rather than later. I am NOT ready for a crawling, moving baby. Because it means 1) that he is no longer going to be my teeny baby and 2) that means baby proofing is close behind. Gack! Why can't they stay little?
I finally got to watch Off The Map on Hulu, only to find out it was canceled - mid-season from what I can tell. I. Am. Pissed. Oh, well. Life goes on without hot Aussie hippie doctors, right?
Autumn seems to have arrived. Color me THRILLED! Though, I need more jackets for P to go over all the short-sleeve stuff we have. So...next week will be hitting up a thrift store after work.

Happy Tuesday, all. It's my Monday! Le sigh.

Body Language

2011-09-02T13:51:00.000-04:00

Apparently I am becoming an "issue" writer. I think it stems from all the assvice, advice, "they say" passive agressiveness, and what-not that comes along with having a child. I will admit, sometimes I jump the gun. Because I anticipate the things that will be important to me, and the reactions from people to those things. Or, issues that could arise.

Bodies. As in our human bodies. As in I don't always feel the need to cover mine, and I also don't want my son (and other children???) to feel that their bodies are something to be covered and be ashamed of. Now, my mom walked around all the time naked in front of us. I didn't care...the younger sisters apparently managed more social input and were thoroughly embarassed.

In fact, I distinctly remember the day my mother made me put a shirt on outside in the summer for the first time. I think I was around 5 years old. And I was PISSED. She tried to explain to me. You know, "People are uncomfortable" etc etc etc. No, I didn't understand. At all. It's difficult to go from naked child to covered-up child. I think that may have been my first real experience with social constraints. I was not pleased. To this day I feel more comfortable nude than in revealing clothing...

So, my poor kid is going to have a fairly nudist mom. And people get in SUCH an uproar about that. As in child abuse allegations uproar. But, and correct me if I'm wrong, my little man has spent an inordinate amount of time attached to my naked wobbly bits. I realize this will not stick in his long-term memory. But at the same time, I'm not sure I care if it does. I don't want him growing up with the media's hype over nudity. I want him to know that our bodies are natural, that it's okay to be comfortable in your own skin.

I would NEVER go so far as to be nude in front of other people's children - that is their call to make.

I haven't had the time to research, but logic leads me to believe that children of nudists are no more screwed up than children of, say, 7th Day Adventists. A healthy body image is so important! And children of cultures where nudity is the norm come out, join the "Western" world, and see to be fine. I think. Based on my admittedly limited observations in one particular culture.

I guess where I am going with this is ...

What are your feelings? Yes, my decision, etc, but I just wonder if you've considered at what point to cover up. Where do you draw the line? AND, is it necessary? I'm not saying I am going to take baths with my kid forever, but I don't know that being all cover-up-bodies-are-bad is something I want either.

Thoughts? And PLEASE be respectful. Thanks!

PYHO: Valid

2011-08-31T19:57:00.002-04:00

One of the things I absolutely love about the blogging community, and the ALI community specifically is the level of support. It is AMAZING!

And it does not come easily. For those of us who have crossed over "that line", the one into motherhood, we sometimes have to tread lightly. We know how much it hurts to hear Pg announcements, see bumps, hear complaints.

Having said that, I have had a couple of friends recently, one pregnant, one just recently delivered, both of whom feel as though they have to put forward an "I'm so happy" face, despite struggles or what-have-you.

Here's the thing, and I told one of my friends this last night:

"In sharing this journey, we should be able to share all of it. We go in with this hope of perfection. And then life dumps more crap on our happily ever after, and our disappointment is no less valid because we struggled to get here."

I firmly believe this. These blogs are our place to share. And I know it can be difficult for others to read. I also think that straight up flaming of someone's post is not okay. Really. We all put ourselves out there. And the way we feel, it's valid.

I hate to think any of us feel like we have to sugar coat something to protect others. Sure, there are ways of being diplomatic, but, you know, you don't know someone else's situation until you've walked a mile in their shoes.

On top of it being hell to get where we are, some of us also have hellish pregnancies. And then, becoming a parent, it's not easy. Oh, we love EVERY MINUTE of it. But it also has its challenges. And some of them are insanely frustrating, even disheartening. There are days of no sleep. Disappointment once again when our bodies don't do what we had hoped. And the feeling as though all of our preparation, our dreaming, our fantasizing of motherhood has been for nought. Because we have NO IDEA what we are doing. Not a clue. And more than ever, we need your support, in knowing that we can do this, this next step. It's what we are all trying for, and we still need you in our lives, even if the direction of our thoughts and what we express have changed.

We spend months, years, pouring our hearts out about the struggles of becoming parents. Should we no longer pour out our hearts? I think that is unreasonable. We lose followers, and we understand why.

But please, PLEASE, don't flame us. Don't expect perfection. It's never going to be rainbows and butterflies all the time. We still need you. We have NOT forgotten where we came from, what it took to get here. I promise you that. And we will be behind you all until you attain sleepless nights, boobs that won't put out, pee on your work clothes, and a prayer that you aren't fucking it all up too much.

What we feel is valid. It's not complaining...it's more sharing of our experiences. It is truth. That is what we do here, in our little world. Please let us continue to be part of it.

FNL: Mother Nature's Revolt

2011-08-27T07:28:00.000-04:00

Linking up with Danifred for....

Woohoo! Where I get to spew random facts that have accumulated in my brain all week! *insert evil laugh here*

Mother Nature is on a rampage in the US. Earthquake in Colorado. Earthquake in VA (felt along nearly the entire Eastern seaboard!!!). Hurricane Irene.
I have a theory about all of it. Wanna hear it? No? Too bad. The company I work for has a call center in Colorado Springs - rare earthquake. 12 hours later, 2 more centers feel another rare earthquake (including mine). Puerto Rico call centers hit by Irene the next 2 days. Now, our center is facing the hurricane as well. So, Mother Nature is out to get my company. ROFL.
I do not mean to laugh at those in the way of Irene. I know it's scary. I just refuse to get all worked out, and you have to admit, there is a solid theory there.
You ever have a food that when cold makes you shudder in revulsion and you swore you would never eat it in that condition? I do: oatmeal. Today I hit a new low. I ate it cold. I make a huge bowl to eat for breakfast at work - I didn't eat it fast enough. 3 hours later I was still eating it. Cold. In all its nastiness. And oddly, I didn't care. Added milk, cinnamon, etc helped.
I got my nails done for my birthday almost 3 weeks ago. Because I had been chewing on them and I had birthday money. Now I don't kow what to do with them. Can't afford to keep them up, hate ripping them off. Considering taking Hubby's Dremmel (sp???) to them, LOL.
I have heard nothing back from my phone interview last week and it's driving me BONKERS. I sent a follow-up email today.
Okay, P is up to 14 lbs minimum (yes, he has tripled his birth weight!), so giving in and this weekend means reorganizing all the drawers again so he is in 3-6 month clothes. For real this time. I mean it.
How the hell did my scrawny Benjamin Button kiddo turn into roly poly kid with no neck? Yes, you may now sing selections from "Rocky Horror Picture Show."
P turned 5 months last Saturday - I didn't do a post. I am sooo behind in that kind of thing. But, I post pics...you can see he is growing, chubby, smiling, etc. And...occasionally LAUGHING! Oh, yeah, baby. Best sound ever.
Still not on solids, but we give him a baby spoon to play with every other day or so to get used to what it is. I feel like I am supposed to KNOW he is ready, but honestly...not a damn clue. 6 months it is, LOL.
Speaking of which, a promised photo of the baby food mania:

Those are gallon size bags, folks...
We have started the switch to cloth wipes using Diaper Lotion Potion! I'm excited. Hubby said, "Great, more stuff to wash." I didn't point out that I have done the laundry for the last month...
I have decided to do a Couch to 5K. Gah! Foot is pretty much healed. BUT, there are a couple things I have to sort out. First, as I cannot afford a gym membership, and Hubby needs sleep, I will have to take P in his stroller to do it. Which means weather can SEVERELY impact me. Which means I need to be diligent on nice days. ALSO, our town is uber hilly. So...mayhaps I walk to the flat walking path by the creek first and count that as my starting point? Thoughts?

******Continued Saturday morning******

I NEED to make this, and yes, I have found a pattern :-)

Another new first for me: I went to bed with P around 9 pm last night. He was in his cradle. I woke to him chattering at 1:30...with an empty bottle next to him. Hubby was out delivering papers. I apparently grabbed the bottle, shook it up, took the cap off, and fed him. While SLEEPING. Bad, bad sign.
Have to work today. Damn. Wanted to prep for storm. It is completely throwing off my weekend. Sigh. Hunker down and be safe my friends.

Thoughts Of A Peanut

2011-08-25T19:09:00.000-04:00

Mom! I'm naked here! Stop with the pictures!

Seriously! I'm shy, alright?

Oh, and now I have to endure kisses? Sheesh.

Seriously, can we knock this shit off already?

Fine. One good picture. Happy now?

Friday Night Leftovers: Blessed

2011-08-19T20:08:00.000-04:00

Linking up with Danifred officially for the first time! Go me!

P will be 5 months old tomorrow. I still haven't done the folders on FB and Snapfish for month 4, much less month 5, LOL. Or the big email to family on his stats n stuff. SLACKER!
I can't believe I have a 5 month old son. Who babbles and shrieks and puts anything ~~innapropriate~~ into his mouth that he can. And who STILL does not sleep through the night.
I had a phone interview yesterday for a new job that will make this worth it. Because if I get the job, it comes with new IF insurance coverage and a shot at a brother or sister for P.
Speaking of this, my dear cycle buddy Nicole has started a "Save The Frosties" campaign if you haven't seen it yet. I feel so incredibly blessed. To have the friends that I do in this community. The support is amazing, and the power of the interwebs infinite. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart!
I have literally wept tears of gratitude multiple times this week.
Hubby has started a paper route...it's crap pay, but it may just keep our heads above the water when he finally starts getting paid.
My nipples are healed! Completely! Thanks AGAIN to Nicole!
On day 5 of Domperidone. Trying not to obssess over production yet. I have to order more *digs through couch cushions for change*
I had my VERY FIRST guest post this week! I feel like I've cleared some sort of hurdle in the blogging world, you know?
I was hitting a serious depression streak the other day...until Nicole and all of you lifted me up.
Uh-oh, Bette Midler just started singing in my head. C'mon, join in...you know the song!!!
I "finished" making baby food. I.E. I finished the pureed stuff. I should make more variety, but, well, I may never run out...I really hope you learn from my over-enthusiastic pureeing expedition. I wanted to give you a pic of the total, but they aren't all out of their trays yet.

Again, I want to thank all my Bleeps, Feeps, and Tweeps for their love and support in Operation Save the Frosties. You are amazing, and I don't know what we would do without you. We are truly blessed.

A Plea On Our Behalf.

2011-08-18T17:13:00.001-04:00

Nicole is doing something unbelievably generous to help us out. Please read. Support us one more time. Thank you!

Maybe momma some day: Save the Frosties!!!

Baby Food Mania

2011-08-15T18:18:00.000-04:00

Let me start out by saying that I have gone totally overboard. There is no way I needed this much pureed food for P. C'est la vie! Now I know! And I can pass it on to you, my loves :-)

Though we are not starting P on solids for another 5 weeks or so, I decided to get the making of said food out of the way so as to have it ready to go. What happens when you used to cook in bulk for a couple hundred people? You are incapable of small amounts.

I have an organic baby food cookbook. But much of it is for a meal or two. You know, real recipes, LOL. I wanted the equivalent of prepared food. Helloooo, Google! I found my new bible, momtastic, which has food charts based on age and all kinds of fun stuff. *Please keep in mind these are guidelines only!!!*

So, armed with ideas, I went shopping. I would love to say that I bought only organic. Or only at the Farmer's Market. But, I am only human...it's kinda a mix of stuff. So, here goes!

I had carrots in the fridge, so I started with those.

I peeled a fistful of carrots (umm, yeah, go me with the measuring), chopped them, and put them in a small saucepan with some water (not covered, enough to keep things moist), and simmered them until soft. About halfway through I threw in a bit of olive oil and ground cinnamon, just enough to give off a bit of odor.

I did not drain because to puree, you need some liquid. So, once they were good and soft, I put it all in the blender, and, because my blender is stubborn, started at a lower setting and worked my way up to puree. *NOTE: Ideally, wait until things have cooled a bit before blending, as the heat causes more pressure in there!*

I found it was easier to use a liquid measuring cup to pour into my Freezer Tray from Green Sprouts, popped it in the freezer, and 24 hours later, I had carrot cubes! Regular ice cube trays work as well (which I have put into service at this point.

I got really excited...this was easy! Like making a pureed soup with way fewer steps! And, I'm not going to lie, I think this is what caused the current overload of food. I got cocky...

There are currently 5 trays in the freezer, and about 4 more waiting to be filled (already cooked and pureed). I haven't touched the bananas and avocados yet, LOL.

What do we have for the Peanut to eat?

apples with nutmeg
pears with ginger
peas with a touch of mint
yams with clove
acorn squash with curry powder
carrots with cinnamon

The bananas will be pureed with some breast milk. The avocados I am still thinking about. Anything I would normally put with them is too acidic or gas producing for P. Though there will have to be some lemon juice to prevent browning. Maybe that will be enough.

I also used the grate function on the blender to grind up rolled oats and brown rice. We are not planning on doing that whole cereal focus thing, but it will be good to go with the fruits and veggies.

Now, one cube = approximately 1 oz of food (1 serving). I have over 100 oz, maybe closer to 150 once I do the bananas and avocados. This is where my inability to make small batches comes in. 1 yam would have done it, not 3. Half of an acorn squash. 3 gala apples. 2 bartlett pears. Not quite a whole bag of frozen peas...a SMALL bag. Those would have come to 1 tray each. But no...I have way more than that, LOL. What you see here is only apples, pears, and peas. Not kidding. I have about 67 oz currently, before the yams and squash. Oops.

Now, here is the other thing...This is a SAMPLE of all that he could theoretically eat. So, I can add more. And mix stuff. But he won't need pureed for long, so these will be good bases for food, and when I add new stuff, I simply won't puree it, merely mash it or use the food mill I have. I will check with his doc at his 6 month appointment about protein and yogurt and whatnot.

So, ummm, anyone need some baby food???

PYHO: What Next?

2011-08-10T08:26:00.000-04:00

I love doing PYHO...it's a way for me to say things that I am honestly terrified to put out there, even here. Things that weigh heavily on me...Thanks, Shell for the opportunity!

The time has come to make a decision: To store the embryos or not to store the embryos. Peanut's sibling have hit their 1 year anniversary...meaning no more free storage.

Hubby wants to keep them. And, I think, so do I. I THINK.

Nevermind that with Hubby having not been working, we can't afford bills and rent, now we have to come up with money for that?

Sister asked me how we can possibly afford another attempt, much less another child. Never mind that it annoyed me. Do you ask your pregnant friends that? Probably not. That's a different story though. Anyway, yes, this is something I worry about all the time.

We struggle. A lot. And somehow always figure it out. We could certainly cut more out. And if needs be, we will. People figure it out, right? But now I feel that now, being infertile and having to seriously work for children, that we have some sort of inherent responsibility to be somehow more responsible about procreation. I mean, I have always felt that, but I feel like our choices are watched so much more carefully now. And that bothers me.

We are not on the streets. We figure out a way to put food on the table, to pay the bills. We scrape by. Will we be able to pay for our childrens' college? Probably not. Will we be running away for big vacations every summer? Doubtful. But I didn't get to either.

But is it fair to bring another child into our fairly financially challenged life? I honestly don't know...

Saying that we do save them, that I get the job I want, and that we can use those embryos before the end of the year to avoid further storage fees. Saying ALL THAT COMES INTO LINE.

I don't know if I can do it. We always wanted more than one child. 2 would be awesome. Siblings. We both have siblings - we never imagined an only child. It's nearly incomprehensible to us.

But I really don't know if I can do it. I loved being pregnant - LOVED it. I would love to be pregnant again. But we DEFINITELY cannot afford for me to be on bed rest for months again.

I am scared of twins. I wanted them originally, but with a child already here, the idea of twins absolutely terrifies me. I feel so overwhelmed already. I love P, love him TO DEATH, but I can't get the hang of managing work, baby, and home. How the hell can I do it with another child or two? I know, I know, you figure it out. I know that. I do. But transferring embryos we know to be genetically normal definitely raises the chances for multiples. And OMG how do you all do it?

If we can't pay for the embryos, we will donate. And then perhaps tackle another fresh cycle...somehow. With new sperm...

It seems sperm daddy is no more. We must have gotten the last of the vials, and we couldn't afford to store what was left. Oh, well. I guess. The trials of IF are bizarre.

So what is next? What is meant to happen will, so we say so often to comfort ourselves. We use it when we can't say what we want...which is IT'S NOT FAIR or something along those lines as though we are five years old.

It feels as though Fate or whatever is conspiring against us. Hubby losing his job, Sperm Daddy being no more. As so much of our lives, the dice have been tossed. They are flying toward the end of the craps table. We are holding our collective breath, waiting to see if they land the way we pray...

So, what next?

One Year Later

2011-08-06T18:12:00.001-04:00

A year ago I wrote myself a letter. It was my 33rd birthday, one day after the transfer of two gorgeous hatching blasts. I wondered what the year would bring.

I sit here today dazed. A year already? There were so many times this past year I swore time could not possibly go any slower.

And so many times now that I wish it would slow down just a little. He has changed so much in such a short time. I want to cherish every little moment.

I asked myself a few questions last year, and it was interesting to go back and read this letter. I thought I remembered what I wrote, but I really only remembered a couple of small details.

Some of the questions have obvious answers, some do not. I am still at the same job...which may change soon. I hope it changes soon. 33 was overall better than 32; it certainly has had it's amazing moments.

Am I taking care of myself? Oh, boy. I'm trying. In a way, yes, as we have let ourselves be run over by people for the last time (I hope). Our house is our own. I think that is a step in the right direction. Am I doing something that makes me feel good about myself? Well, caring for my son does that. I need to start back with more photography or crocheting or something, though.

But overall, and this is the most important thing, I am happy. That's the part that worried me the most. Yes, I am stressed. Yes, I worry all the time. But I am happy.

There is still some work to be done. Changes to be made. And more journeys to take. But I sit here a year later, hardly daring to believe that as I was writing that letter a year ago, our little Peanut was snuggling into my womb.

A year ago, Peanut looked like this:

Now he looks like this:

What an amazing year. Happy 34 to me.